"I'm Him?" - continued from 6

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PART IX: I'm Still Me

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For a long moment...there is silence.

"Old bag," Tasuki mutters at last, frowning down at the kitten flitting happily across the garage floor. "Probably @#($*&$ knows exactly where all the other seishi are..."

I turn reflexively towards him, a slight smile touching my lips...but, as I do, I catch a glimpse of my mother. She's leaning heavily against the wall of the garage, trembling and looking as if she's about to throw up. I take a hesitant step towards her, offer a tentative, "Mom?"...but, she sidles away from me, darts around the edge of the shelf and hurries to the nearby kitchen door. For a long moment she stands there, frozen in time and place, one hand resting lightly against the doorknob as the other hangs limply at her side...then, finally, she shakes her head, gazes up at me with wide, pained eyes.

"If...if you're...someone else," she manages after a brief pause, dark eyes glistening in the dim garage light. Her voice breaks. "Then, where's my daughter??"

An icy jab of anguish slices through me with her words, and I take another step towards her, stretch my arm out vainly as if to call her back. "M...Mom," I plead...but, she shakes her head, brushes at the sudden wetness in her eyes...and vanishes into the kitchen. The harsh gasping of her sobs rips through the air a moment later, and I stagger, lean against the nearby wall for support. After a few moments, I hear the thud-thud-thud of those small canvas shoes retreating across the kitchen...and, then there's the slam of a door...and, all is quiet again.

"I'm still me," I murmur brokenly...belatedly. "I'm still...me."

Why can't she see it? Why can't she look at me and know that I'm still the same...that even if I have the memories of Nuriko within me...that, I'm still me inside? I'm still me on the OUTSIDE, too, for goodness' sake... Can't she see?

I start, feeling a strong hand on my shoulder. I glance back, sigh lightly as Tasuki opens his mouth to say something. "It's all right," I interject softly, guessing the intentions of his words. "She just needs...some time, I think." My eyes close. "I think I do, too."

We stand there in silence for a long moment, staring at the smooth grey plastic of the closed garage door...but, after awhile, I feel the weight of his gaze pressing against me, studying me... Finally, I open my eyes, let out another soft sigh. "What is it, Tasuki?"

He takes a short step back, frowns at me from beneath a thick frame of fiery bangs. I sense rather than see him shake his head. "It's...it's @#$(*& weird, man. I mean...I KNOW you're Nuriko. Like, you kinda talk like 'im...and, I mean, the way you're standin' there...you kinda look like 'im..." He trails off, and as I turn I notice the frown deepen. "But...you're not HIM, yet. Not really."

My lips twist downward in confusion. "Huh?"

Tasuki lets out an exasperated sigh. "Damn, man, I'm not good at explainin' stuff like this..." Another soft sigh. "Okay. It's like...the second I knew that I was me...I BECAME me. It's not just that I remember all the stuff we did in the other world or that I can make fire come outta this damn tessen...it's that I really AM Tasuki. I mean, I'm sure Kats is still in here somewhere...but, she ain't here right NOW, ya know?" His eyes narrow. "But, you? I can't tell whether you're Riley or Nuriko or both, ya know? It's @#($*& weird."

I shake my head, squeezing my eyes shut as if for emphasis. "No. It's not...it's not that I'm one or the other, Tasuki...I AM both! Can't you see? I AM Nuriko...but, I'm ALSO Riley." I sigh heavily, sink to the ground and press my hand over my face. "Gods, this isn't right...it isn't fair. If I give up Riley..." I shake my head. "...then, I let down my mom. But, if I give up Nuriko...then, gods, I let down everyone else."

Again I feel the weight of that fiery-eyed stare. "No offense, Nuriko...but, this ain't exactly the best time to be dealin' with this... We gotta find the rest of the seishi, get things together so we can do whatever the hell it is Taiitsu-kun needs us to..."

A soft "mreow" from the floor punctuates the sentence, draws me from my thoughts. I let out a soft sigh. "All right," I murmur. Rising slowly to my feet, I take a second to brush the dirt from my shorts, spend a long moment fighting back the sudden conflict rippling within me. Somehow...it doesn't seem fair.

//One or the other,\\ I entreat silently. //Why can't I just be one or the other??\\

And, then...suddenly...something changes.

Everything is just the same--I'm standing, facing the kitchen door, Tasuki is slouching just behind me...and, then, suddenly, there's a soft scuffling sound from behind us...we turn, and I abruptly remember that Ted has been standing silently in the corner the entire time, watching, listening. But... The breath catches in my lungs.

But, this isn't Ted.

Well...it IS... But, it's not. He walks toward us with a strange, uncanny grace, a fluid kind of swiftness...and, a moment later, he stands before me, still not speaking, looking just as he always has except for... My heart seems to freeze in my chest. Except for that smile. That smile...gods...I...I know that smile...

"Niisama," he whispers.

Tasuki's eyes bulge, and I hear him sputtering for words behind me, but I barely notice...no, I don't notice at all, because my whole attention, my whole mind and body and soul...it's all focused on her, on the ghost of that soft brown hair...on the shimmer of tears in her eyes...because, it's really her. It's really...really...her.

I shake my head, weak from the impact of this latest revelation, barely able to move, speak, breathe...because, she's alive. Blessed Suzaku...she's alive! And, she's been here all along! Gods... "Kourin," I managed, tears trickling silently over my cheeks. "Kourin...I...how...?" I shake my head wordlessly, rush forward and grab her slim frame into a tight, firm embrace. Those thin arms wrap around me a moment later, and I feel the soft tingle of her smoothing back my hair, the warm touch of her breath on my neck.

"Niisama," she repeats with that same soft, secretive smile. She smooths my hair again, very gently. "I had to come with you, didn't I? To make sure you were safe...and, to make sure you were happy."

I shake my head, tugging her closer, and nestle my face in a soft tuft of that thick, flowing brown hair...just like my own. Gods, she's here...she's alive...! "Baka," I whisper, smiling through the tears. "Of course I'm happy. You're here, aren't you?"

"Hai, Niisama..." Her voice turns firm, and she pushes me gently out of her embrace, gazed at me sternly. "Demo, you have to stop relying on others for your own happiness, ne? Stop living for everyone else! Stop living for me, stop living for..." She pauses, smiles slightly. "...for Mom...stop living for Miaka and the other seishi. What about YOU? What about Ryuen? Where is he in all this?" She shakes her head, and her voice is barely above a whisper, harsh and taut with the anguish of ages. "You've lost yourself, Niisama. That's why you don't know who you are. That's why you can't figure out if you're Riley or Nuriko or neither or both."

"But..." The tears sting my eyes. "But, who AM I? How can I do anything without knowing that?"

The smile touches her lips again. "You already know, don't you? You're not either or both or neither...because, there's no difference...is there, Niisama? Ryuen...Riley...Nuriko...they are ALL you. You don't need to choose one because there's no difference between them! They're just NAMES. Names don't make you who you are." Her smile turns slightly wistful. "And, neither do bodies."

I open my mouth to protest again...but one of those slim fingers presses against my lips, silences me before I can even work enough sound to my vocal chords to speak. "No," she says quietly. "I don't have much time. Unlike you...Ted is never meant to remember our lives in the other world. So, listen...onegai. Just listen." She pauses, waiting as I nod, then smiles again, plunges onward. "All Taiitsu-kun told you is true. But...she left out one thing, Niisama." Her voice darkens. "Something evil is moving in the world. Since all creatures were brought here from the other world after the last wish...the Seiryuu shichiseishi are here, too. Most of them don't know who they are yet...but one...the one you know as Nakago. He knows. He remembers. I'm not sure...but I think that's at least part of why Taiitsu-kun is bringing the seishi together again...to get ready for whatever it is that Nakago's planning. It might be more than that...but, I know that that's at least part of it."

"Please," I plead, clasping tightly onto that slim arm and hugging it to my chest. "Please, Kourin...can you tell me anything about where to find the other seishi?"

Her eyes are soft and pained. "Gomen nasai, Niisama. I don't know much...but, I can tell you at least where you can find ONE of the seishi. The nearest one."

Something pangs in my heart. "Hotohori-sama," I whisper.

"Hai. There's a shop, a few miles away from here...you'll know it when you see it. You should find Hotohori there...but, you have to hurry, Niisama. Once you find him, he should be able to help you find the others...and, the cat should help you, as well." She takes a short step back from me, stretches her arms gently out to the side. "Sayonara," she whispers. "Onegai...don't lose, Niisama...if you do...there's no going back this time."

And, then there's a flash of soft white light...and, I know that she's gone.

Ted blinks, looking around as if trying to figure out just where he is... Finally, he turns, notices Tasuki and I watching him...and frowns, casting me a dark glare. "Riley, what're you looking at? Where's Mom?" He glances frantically around the garage for another moment...then pauses, and the frown deepens. "Was...was Grandma here??"

I can only shake my head, glance back at Tasuki, and walk to the back door, ignoring his questions...because I can't answer them...nor do I want to. A few moments later, the two of us are climbing into the stuffy confines of Kats' car, me plopping down in the driver's seat as Tasuki seems to be a bit removed from the real world... As I climb in, however, something strikes me, and I pause.

"Wait a sec," I say suddenly. "I'll be right back."

Several minutes later, I thud down the stairs and step out onto the porch, the soft, surprisingly-comfortable blue and gold fabric hanging lightly from my shoulders. It's just as I remember it, with the high, stiff collar, the thin strands of decorative gold scattered in various places down the torso. I glance down briefly, noticing the fabric bunching loosely at my belt...and come to an abrupt halt at the edge of the porch, staring down at myself in shock.

"G...G...G...GOOD GOD!" I shriek at last.

Tasuki, having finally managed to force the top down on Kats' silver convertible, stands up on his seat, gapes at me for a long moment. "N...Nuriko!" he exclaims. "D...DAMN, man...you're a..."

I nod with a bit of alarm, pressing an experimental hand over the sudden, eerie flatness of my chest. "A guy!" I finish.

Tasuki sits down heavily in the seat, spends a long moment glaring down at the telltale lumps on his own chest. "DAAAAAAMN it," he whines. "Why the hell am *I* still a girl??"

I flash the bandit a brief grin, jogging quickly to the car with my long, dark braid bouncing cheerfully along with me. A moment later, I'm firmly buckled into the driver's seat, one arm resting comfortably on the edge of the window, the other turning the key deftly in its slot. We sit there for a long moment, the engine rumbling contentedly beneath us...then I turn, shrug slightly. "Maybe you have to put the outfit on first," I offer. "After all," I add warily, glancing nervously at myself again, "I wasn't like this a few minutes ago...I'm SURE of that..."

Tasuki's lips spread into a decidedly-wicked grin. "Oi, Nuriko...just, uh...how much of a guy ARE you? I mean...you got the whole package there, or..."

I feel my cheeks flushing and decide, wisely, not to answer. A moment later I press my foot onto the accelerator, back the car carefully out of the driveway...and, then we're off.

A slight, nervous tingle shivers up my spine. Off to find Hotohori-sama...and, then the other seishi.

I frown slightly with the thought, remembering Taiitsu-kun's words.

/Now that you're a woman...Hotohori-sama will find himself out of excuses...\

Does that mean... I trail off the thought, shake my head firmly. No. Now isn't the time for this. Now...now, we have to concentrate on finding the other seishi...on figuring out just what's going on so we can stop it... My jaw clenches. I can worry about Hotohori-sama later.

Besides, I add silently with a brief flash of hope. Maybe...maybe if I take this outfit off...I'll be a girl again.

Maybe.

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