Where are you?" Atticus asks me while he rubs my head. We were at the breakfast table and I must have dozed off from not having much sleep last night. I doubt anyone who had a dream visit with their mama like that would have a rough time falling back to sleep.
"I'm tired, Atticus," I admit with a sigh. There was no trying to hide it.
"Didn't you sleep well last night?"
"No."
"How come?"
"Just from everything that has been going on..."
I don't know why I just can't tell him about mama's dreams. Do I really think that after all these years if I mention mama that he will just dissolve into nothing? My adult mind knows that but my inner child can't seem to comprehend it. Maybe that's why she comes to me now? I thought originally she would show up once in a while to help me and I'm sure she is but so far it has been more disturbing than I thought it would be.
"Everything's going to be all right, honey," he humphs as he goes back to his morning paper. He must sense there is more to my story than I'm telling him. I'm stupid for holding myself back from him like I am. A sob began to creep up from my chest and out of my mouth. Hot tears formed behind my eyes and shed before I even had a chance to blink. I feel I have no control over my emotions anymore and it's scaring the hell out of me.
"Go to your room," Atticus orders.
"What?"
"Go to your room and finish your crying."
I was shocked by how cold he was behaving towards me right now. I could only stare at him in silence for what seemed like an eternity. I inhale sharply as he looks down from his paper and looks me right in the eyes.
"Get going."
My sobs began to act up again as I notice Aunty waltz into the kitchen with a big smile on her face. You are a fucking cunt, I think to myself. I get up from the table and slowly walk to the opposite staircase away from them. I take a pause on the top step as I hear Aunty start saying something about me.
"A lady doesn't wallow in pity..."
That's all I heard and I didn't need to hear anymore. My tears that originally stemmed from being overwhelmed had now turned into tears of rage. When I was here over the summer, I vowed I would never let myself be hurt by Atticus again. I hated that one time I hated him but now I can honestly say those emotions are coming back. Can't he see the strain that I'm under? Doesn't he understand that my life has completely changed in the past year and I feel I haven't had a moment to catch my breath? I look down on my engagement ring and I immeadiately got the urge to call the one man who could make me feel better. I feel lucky that my room has a phone in it. My fingers can't dial my New York number fast enough.
"Charles Harris," he answered the phone so cooly.
"I've made a mistake," I whisper and sob into the phone.
"What happened sweetheart?"
"What hasn't happened to me, Dill? I go to New York to be a failure and now I come back home to be an even better failure?"
"Honey, you are not a failure. Did your aunt say something?"
"When doesn't she say anything? It's Atticus."
"Atticus?"
"I want to tell him so much and I want to be here to make everything okay for him," I had to pause to catch my breath. "I fell apart at the kitchen table and he told me to leave."
"Really?"
"I don't know what to feel. He's never been that cold with me before."
"I'm sorry, sweetheart. I don't know what to tell you."
"Tell me you'll be with me soon?"
"Of course. Just another week or two and I will be in Maycomb with you. I can't wait. I love you, I love you so much."
"I love you very much, too."
"I can't wait to hug and kiss you when I see you."
"I can't wait to do the same for you. Are you working today?"
"Yeah, unfortunately. Hopefully this next piece will buy me a ticket back to you."
"I'm sure it will be. I better let you go so you can come back to me faster."
"I want to tell you something first."
"What?"
"You're okay."
"Thank you."
"You're welcome. I love you."
"I love you, too."
"Bye, bye, sweetheart."
"Bye, bye, sweet."
I knew I was in love when I have butterflies in my stomach after such a telephone call. After all these years, Charles Baker Harris was the only man who could dare me to love my life. Now that I think about it, he came back into my life in New York almost as miraculous as he came into it in the first place right here in Maycomb. He was there with me during Tom Robinson's trial and now he was going to be here with me as I go through my own. I hug my pillow and lay down on the bed as I keep thinking about my soon-to-be-husband. I will cry the last of my tears and wait for him to come home.
