Sorry, this chapter is more about a few of the Wei people more than Ling Tong getting preggers. But there hasn't been an update in a long time so might as well. I took the liberty of adding a whole bunch of crap on to your stuff. You guys said I could.
"So, are you guys staying for New Year's? Heard the moon's going to be huge this year." Ling Tong stared down at his cup. The moment he made a pass for the wine jar, Lu Meng had swished it away and poured him a glass of fruit juice. He gritted his teeth and sipped as everyone else got tipsy. "Of course, you'd better get back to… You know. Your family and stuff. So we don't have to deal with you."
"My father insists on staying to observe." Cao Pi leveled his eyes at him, wordlessly explaining that he did not want to stay anymore than Ling Tong wanted him around.
"Damn."
"Observing what?" Gan Ning cut in.
"Mr. Preggers, or course. I'm bored. Where's Guo Nuwang?"
"You've got the attention span of a duck. Get her yourself; Mr. Preggers is pregnant," Ling Tong snapped back.
"I wasn't asking you to fetch her," Cao Pi snorted. "I am going to her."
"What a snotrag," Gan Ning commented as Cao Pi left. "Man, if only there was a closet around here…"
Ling Tong snorted. "Cao Pi just got out of the closet, and you don't want to go forcing him back in-"
The door slammed open. "Well, well, well, is my dearest husband here?"
"Zhen Ji! They finally found you!"
Zhen Ji turned her chilly face to Gan Ning. "No, they didn't," she said blandly. "I sent back to Luoyang for another carriage."
"Cao Pi sure has good timing. I knew that family was psychic," Gan Ning hissed.
"What?" Ling Tong had heard various rumors about the Cao clan, ranging from the supernatural [Cao Cao had made a pact with water spirits] to the sinister [Cao Cao had poisoned the court so that they could not go for a day without him providing the antidote] to the just plain weird [Cao Cao's penis was shaped like a… Oh nevermind.]. But Gan Ning's accusation was a new one.
"I mean serious. Look. One day, out of the blue, I get this letter, and Cao Cao says 'I do not care about' and starts listing all sorts of personal stuff. Stuff that no one but me could possibly know-"
"That's because when you get really drunk you go off and mail random letters to Cao Cao!" Ling Tong snapped.
The pirate looked aghast. "I what?"
"I've been getting letters back asking me to stop you," Ling Tong replied.
"So now the Demon King knows all sorts of things about me that –he shouldn't know?"
"Yes! But it's your own faul-"
"Awww shit!"
"You buffoons! Must you two insist on ignoring me? Where is my husband?" Zhen Ji snarled
"He's dead," Gan Ning said. "Took a freak accident in the Peony Pavilion. Fell off the cliff. The one we just installed. It's a million feet high. You shouldn't look for him, you know, 'cause he's dead and all-"
"No he's not," Ling Tong snapped. "And there are no cliffs here. Don't try protecting that jerk, Gan Ning." Quietly, he muttered, "If Zhen Ji does find him, good news is that he really will be dead, bad news is that so will we."
"So where is he?" Zhen Ji repeatedly impatiently.
"Well, it's definitely not my fault that you don't know the Man Code!" Gan Ning snapped.
"The Man Code? Of course I know the Man Code," Ling Tong retorted. "I know the Man Code like the back of your ass!"
"Your ass!"
"No, yours! I know what I've been screwing for the last-"
"Hell-lo, have either of you seen Cao Pi?" Zhen Ji repeated, her temper rising.
"Well if you knew the Man Code you never tell a guy's girl where he is!"
"That's stupid! Don't you want to get Cao Pi into as much trouble as that little prick can-"
"Where is my husband?"
"Well there's revenge and there's the Man Code!"
"Hello, do you know where-"
"Oh yeah? I thought that the Man Code said that revenge's necessary if the guy's a big enough jerk, and Cao Junior overqualifies-"
"Well, we get revenge by going and beating him up, not by signing his death warrant-"
"GENERALS, WHERE IS CAO PI?"
"Oh? He's probably in the west antechamber with Guo Nuwang," Ling Tong replied. "Now, Ning, the Man Code says that we can take revenge. And it also says that the Man Code is more of a general guideline. That's good enough."
"Well, yeah, but we can't stoop down like women to catty, subtle, vicious stuff like that-"
"Who said we were being catty?"
"Well, you just told her-"
"YOU TWO are the most INFURIATING little monkeys in all of China!" Zhen Ji screamed, throwing her fan at them. "Without enough sense between you idiots to run a daycare! Arg!"
"Geez, what's her problem?" Gan Ning snorted.
"Probably her time of month. Sometimes women get so pissy for no apparent reason," Ling Tong replied.
"Yeah. Look at that. One moment she's fine, so we turn around to talk, but all of a sudden, boom! Look at that."
"My problem? My problem? What is your problem! You two are-"
"It's Miss Priss Sparkly Princess!" Gan Ning shouted, leaping up and hitting his knee against the table. "Ouch!"
"Stay away. Stay away. Do not come any closer…" Ling Tong warned, preparing to rise out of his seat.
"Honestly, you two are so immature! I am most definitely not Miss Priss Sparkly Princess just because I yelled at you!" Zhen Ji snorted, rolling his eyes.
"I do believe that are referring to me," Zhang He cooed, taking a seat.
"I said don't come any closer!" Ling Tong shouted.
"Now, now, do not stress yourself! What if you spontaneously miscarried and lost the baby? What a loss of beauty that would be!" Zhang He rested his chin on his hands and simpered at Ling Tong. "And I would certainly scream for Lu Meng if anything happened right now."
"Okay. Fine. I'm sitting down and calming down. See? There. Happy?" Ling Tong snapped. "Now go away."
"My, you have the most gorgeous face- beautiful and fine, but definitely masculine."
Ling Tong let out a loud huff. "You are the creepiest person ever to set foot on this world," he said, but leaned back, slightly mollified.
"And you are a rude and obnoxious fellow. Always having something like that to say," grumbled a voice.
"Whoa!" Gan Ning shouted, and startled, he looked under the table.
"There's no one there, Ning," Ling Tong snapped.
"Then where's the voice coming from?" the pirate demanded.
"Right here." A few shadows shifted, forming the shape of a man in armor. In the lamplight, dots of light blinked off only one eye.
"Blind Xiahou," Gan Ning exclaimed. "We had no idea-"
Xiahou Dun promptly took out a mirror, looked at it, and smashed it. Gan Ning correctly took that as a sign to shut up.
"When did you come in? You're like a ninja! I didn't even see you!" Ling Tong snorted, impressed. "So there's more to you than meets the eye."
"I came in with Zhang He," the one-eyed general replied bluntly, fuming at the stab at his missing body part. "Of course no one noticed me behind the cloud of butterflies. Not worth noticing. No, not worth noticing, me," he muttered. "Sure, I'll just sit here and no one notices me…"
"What is wrong with you?" Gan Ning snorted. "You weren't like that this afternoon, or is this your normal face-"
"Oooohhh my good general, my dearest friend's cousin, what is the meaning of your lack of grace?" Zhang He sighed. "Look at that, Luo!"
"Orgasmvoice!" Gan Ning snorted, squeezing Ling Tong's shoulder.
"Nothing. Nothing's wrong. I'm surprised you even noticed something is wrong, in fact. 'Be a good general, Xiahou Dun, and go stand somewhere until I need you… Meanwhile I'll ignore you…'" Xiahou Dun fumed.
"Weirdo. Are you talking to yourself?" Ling Tong asked.
"Absolutely not!"
"Now I'm curious," Zhen Ji said, seeming less miffed than she was .03 seconds ago. Apparently gossip was the easy cure to anything.
"I said nothing! You boys. Acting like there's something wrong with me. There isn't, and even if there was, no one would notice in the first place!"
"Does my father-in-law know you are this troubled?" Zhen Ji offered.
Xiahou Dun promptly burst into tears. "He doesn't love me anymore!"
"What?" Gan Ning looked startled. "Uh, what the…"
"You are fooling us? Surely you are beautifully dearer to oh, our lord, than anyone else!"
"I should just jump off of a cliff. Now that he is running around with the Lord of the Southlands he doesn't sleep with me anymore. Why don't I jump off a cliff? Yes, why don't I?" the general shouted, blowing his nose on his sleeve.
"What the hell is up with you?" Gan Ning demanded.
"Nothing!" Xiahou Dun snapped. "I told you, pirate, nothing!"
"Ooooohh, sweet General, your usual beauty seems grieved!" Zhang He sang. "Is this all only because our dearest Prime Minister is enjoying ah… Hem… Hem… Cut peaches with the Lord of the Southland?" Zhang He licked his lips. "Perhaps they would let me join…"
"It doesn't matter! If Lord Cao doesn't want to sleep with me anymore, he probably doesn't love me anymore!"
"Wait…" Ling Tong dug up a piece of information in his sadly alcohol-unclouded mind. "Aren't you guys cousins?"
"Why yes, I am his eldest uncle's son," Xiahou Dun said proudly.
"…So you're cousins. First cousins."
"Yes," Xiahou Dun repeated.
"And you're bonking him."
"Why must you put it so crudely-"
"So that's incest!"
"No, it is not. We have different surnames."
"But it's still incest. You're still cousins. First cousins."
"Yes, but the point is that my name is Xiahou while his is Cao. It isn't incest that way."
"That doesn't mean you guys aren't first cousins."
"Yes, but it isn't incest."
Ling Tong threw up his hands in exasperation and leaned back on Gan Ning's shoulder. "What is up with these guys?"
The pirate lovingly stroked Ling Tong's ponytail. "Hey, don't get worked up. It's fine. They do what they want. …But it does sound a lot like incest-"
"At least none of our men go around getting knocked up like a village whore!" Xiahou Dun snapped, slamming his fist on the table.
Ling Tong put a hand over his swelling abdomen. "Hey! Are you serious?"
"…General, that comparison doesn't work," Zhen Ji said.
Xiahou Dun sank back into his chair, muttering about jumping off of a cliff again. "Fine. Fine. It's probably bad manners to commit suicide while a guest of-"
"Will you just shut up about it?" Ling Tong snapped. "You're really killing me! The Prime Minister doesn't sleep with you for just one night, and all of a sudden you're Lady Butterfly?"
"By the way, it ain't the hormones- this is how he always acts," Gan Ning added.
"Lady Butterfly? Are you saying I am a woman?"
"My gods! Do you know how pitiful and ridiculous you all seem?" Zhen Ji screamed.
"Well, well, look who's talking. Right after you finish throwing that hissy fit of yours," Ling Tong snorted snarkily.
"Catfight!" Gan Ning shouted.
"Well really. I've been ignored and neglected ever since that snotty geeky excuse of a girl has shown up. And you, General Xiahou, your lord goes to bang someone else just for a night and all of a sudden you're such the oh-so-unfortunate victim that you want to go nosedive off a cliff? Honestly, you men are so wimpy! You're just not tough enough to take it."
"You little-" Xiahou Dun began to snarl, but Zhen Ji kept talking.
"And guess what? Guess what? Even after being dumped, you can take another lover. Whatever. No big deal. But me? Noooooo! I'm not allowed to, or my head's gone! Think about it. You guys sleep around and you-"
"-Get hives-" Gan Ning interrupted, but Zhen Ji kept ranting.
"-sleep around and you're just virile and manly! But if a woman sleeps around she's a slutty no-good skank! That's a double standard if I've ever seen one! So yes, I haven't had anything in three years!"
"Three years?" Gan Ning snorted. "No sex for three-"
"Shut up, Ning, not everyone has blood type testosterone," Ling Tong snapped. "And seriously. It's called an affair, Zhen Ji. Like behind your husband's back."
Zhang He let out a high-pitched giggle. "Oh my goodness! Scandalous!" he chirped. "Oh, yes, that is an excellent idea- Yes, Luo, why don't you?"
Zhen Ji looked surprised. "…Yes… Why… Don't I?"
Xiahou Dun growled. "You cannot be serious."
"Hell yes I am fucking serious."
"Yes you are!" Zhang He exclaimed, fluttering his hands around his face. "Face it, girl, you've been down and out too long!"
"Yes I have!" Zhen Ji declared. Her eyes smoldered in her head, full of rage, rebellion, and other emotions normally only seen in revolutionary, radical middle-class college students with way too much time on their hands. "Yes! I'll show that Bullshit Piss of a prince!"
"Yes! It is such a shame that your beauty is… Ohhhhh, caged up like this! Beauty should be for all!" Zhang He sang. "I would totally do it with you if I was not oh-so-homosexual!"
That bought up a fair point that quieted Zhen Ji rather quickly.
"Too bad that your 'Bullpiss Prince' is the only straight guy in your country," Ling Tong said simply.
"Well, didn't the Prime Minister say that Shu was flapping down here too? C'mon, not everyone can be gay!" Gan Ning said.
"Ning?"
"Yeah, Tong?"
"It's Shu. Yes they can."
