Owlbus Humblebore and the Labyrinth of Doom
A Harry
Potter Parody
Chapter Six – The Man Named Owlbus Humblebore
Harmonia responded twice as enthusiastically as he had expected. He wasn't sure, exactly, why he was surprised that she had responded – it was clearly something she'd been hoping for the entire time she'd been around him – and giving something like that to someone who wanted it, well, why not, right?
"Let's do that again!" she squeaked excitedly, wrapping her arms around his neck so she could lure him into another kiss. The compartment door slid open.
"Oh," said the voice at the door, "Erm, was I interrupting something?"
Terry turned to face the girl. Behind her, several of her friends were gawking or giggling at the sigh he and Harmonia were providing. Her hair was tousled and her clothing dishevelled. Her face, however, was full of light and joy. The other girls noticed, and looked like succubi ready to rip it out of her and have Terry for their own.
"And who are you?" Rongfore said, watching them all cast their eyes on Terry in desire. He had a look on his face that was a cross between jealousy and nausea.
"Indy Indyano," said one girl, who looked very Indian; her tight-fitting clothes and high voice gave away her façade of bravery. Almost at once, she slinked back behind the leader of the group, watching as another one of her acquaintances stepped forward to introduce herself.
"Scarlet Gray," she said simply. She looked anxious to do something to touch him, but did nothing to follow through with any such action. Not that she'd had the chance, the leader of the group shoved her back roughly, stepped forward, kissed Terry on the cheek and held out her hand.
"Ho Bang," said the girl sweetly. Harmonia looked ready to kill. She pulled herself off of Terry, slumped backward, drew her wand from her cloak and brandished it at Ho.
"Keep your lips off my man."
"Oh, are you doing magic, then?" Rongfore said excitedly.
"And what," Ho Bang began, "gives you the delusion that he's your man?"
"I've only done a few simple spells," Harmonia said snidely, "but they've all worked for me."
The two girls behind Ho backed away slowly, fearing the worst.
"What's your name?"
"Harmonia."
"We shall see, Harmonia." Ho reaffirmed, taking a step out of the compartment, a delighted gin on her face. "We shall see."
Harmonia lowered her wand reluctantly. Setting it behind her ear for quick access, she rested herself against Terry and settled down.
While Harmonia would be up for a good snog with Terry any time of the day, she still chose to change in the girl's lavatory on the train, away from her favourite snog-buddy and Rongfore, who, now, were changing their clothes to their school robes.
Terry slipped the dark green robes over his head, contemplating the many miracles it had taken him to get where he was at that moment, on a train with a girl who would do practically anything for him and several more who seemed just as willing.
"It's strange, you know?" Terry said, deep in though as he sat back down in his seat.
"What's strange?" Rong questioned, looking at Terry in slight confusion as he grabbed at the sack of sweets to grab a box of Humblebumble Honey Tart.
"All – this," he responded, "you know, that I'm a whizzer and all. I've never done anything cool like magic."
"Did you ever do anything you couldn't explain when you were frightened or scared?" Rongfore asked, once again looking at Terry with a look of confusion.
"I did pee on a cat," Terry said randomly, trying to think of something out of the ordinary that could, potentially, impress the kid that sat across from him.
"EXACTLY!?" Rong said excitedly, jumping out of his seat. His fist shot into the air in triumph of finding something magical about Terry, only to then be washed over with a look of bewilderment.
"Wait, you did what?"
"Pee on a cat," Terry repeated blandly.
"Now, there's a real whizzer, I tell ya!" Rong said happily as the door slid open and Harmonia re-joined them, taking a seat on Terry's lap. She leant backward and kissed his cheek.
"Circe, woman," Rongfore complained, "get a room."
In one swift move, Harmonia went from obsessive angel to malevolent harpy. She withdrew her wand from behind her ear, waved it in front of the Weaklebee boy and smiled as he turned into a newt.
"I thought you said you'd only tried simple spells?" Terry asked, suddenly slightly afraid of his de facto girlfriend.
"I had, until now."
"You probably ought to, you know, change him back now," Terry said softly, flinching slightly as Harmonia took his hand and set her head against his shoulder. The train had stopped and they, along with the other students, were filing out from their compartments, eager to see the school they'd be attending this year.
"Pallas can deal with him," Harmonia said dryly, watching as newt Rongfore scrambled in between feet, dodging trainers and heels of all kinds. Terry thought he saw the newt glare.
Uncertain as to how to remedy the other boy's problem, Terry walked off the train with Harmonia, grimacing at the newt that narrowly missed being squashed at least a dozen times.
Outside, the night was new. Darkness had not yet taken the sky – Terry could see an enormous palace in the distance, just beyond an equally massive lake beneath it. Harmonia smiled as they stepped forward, passing a large oak tree.
The large marble doors opened to the palace. Based on what Terry understood, and he was finding that to be increasingly little, this grand building was the school he'd be attending all year. It was bright and colourful and rather full of life.
Elegant tapestries hung from nearly every corner of the interior. Lavender and violet floral arrangements adorned the bannisters leading to high in the palace, and a brilliant crimson rug laid the path to the great hall, where dozens of other students had already taken seats at one of four ring-shaped tables.
At the very far end of the great hall stood two figures. The first, a woman, looked grim and serious – a woman Terry knew instantly he ought not to cross. The other, however, a man perhaps in his mid-forties, wore a flowing pink cloak and overly large sun glasses. His thick, silver hair came down to his waist.
"Welcome, new students!" the older man said excitedly, walking over to the small group of children that had made their way across the lake on frozen badgers. "My name, as I'm sure you all know," he mumbled slightly, slurring many of his words together, "my name is Owlbus Humblebore, but," he hiccuped loudly, "You can just call me Humble."
"Humble, eh?" Harmonia giggled, "He wasn't quite this bad last year. He's a heavy user of the 'shroom. Especially the purple-spotted kind."
Terry looked at the girl clinging to him curiously. As he did, he caught sight of a newt scurrying past their feet on the ground.
"Oh, professor," Harmonia said loudly, looking directly at the woman beside the high headmaster, "Could you – please?"
"Another one, Ms. Puckle?" the lady asked the suddenly shy girl holding onto Terry's arm. "What would you do without me?"
Harmonia didn't miss a beat.
"Just leave him that way, actually, Professor Weaver."
There was a swirl of colour and whirring sound that rippled through the air, causing several people's clothes to turn inside out.
"SHE TURNED ME INTO A NEWT!" Rongfore shouted the second he was human again, turning to face Harmonia with an angry look on his face.
"A newt?" a tall boy with blonde hair asked curiously. He had a dark green and silver tag pinned to his robes with the name 'Athens Badfayth' on its front. He looked wealthy in every sense of the word.
"I got better..."
Professor Weaver shook her head and groaned, ushering, with her hands, for the extra students to take to their seats.
"Now, new students," she began, "Myname is Pallas Weaver. I'd like to welcome you to our school and ask you to pardon our headmaster who is currently... not quite himself."
"JUST A LITTLE BIT OF PERIL?" the man named Owlbus Humblebore shouted loudly, clapping his hands together repeatedly. His eyes were alight with excitement.
"I swear I'm going to kill that Giant," Pallas groaned to herself, shaking her head again. She sighed, and waved her wand. "Now, before school can begin, each of you must be sorted."
Author's Note: A little drier than the other chapters, but, this is one that must be, sadly, used to advance the little plot the story has. Hope you enjoyed!
