Friday Morning

Evy padded down towards the kitchen, surprised not to find John there. She poured herself a little coffee, then decided to bring the cup to him. Most of Wednesday night and Thursday had been spent getting back to the bunker. Everyone seemed to be in a much improved mood. There was more laughter in the car that trip than Evy remembered there ever being between the four of them. They'd gotten back to the bunker Thursday afternoon, and despite being tired, they all stayed up late into the night, talking. Evy made it to John's door and knocked softly, on the off chance that he was still sleeping. The door opened and Evy was surprised to find Sam there instead of John.

"Hey…" Evy said, looking around the room. "Where's Daddy?"

"He's gone, Cricket." Sam said, stepping away so Evy could come inside.

"What?" Evy asked, walking inside. She put the coffee cup on the desk in the room and walked over to Dean, who was sitting on the desk.

"He left this for you." Dean said. He handed her a thick envelope.

Evy said nothing, just opened it and found two letters inside. One was marked 'read this one first' so Evy opened it up. Her eyes filled with hurt, anger, and profound disappointment making their way down her face in the form of tears.

Little One,

I know you know by now that I've left. I'm sorry I didn't say goodbye, but that just would have made it harder to leave. I made a deal with an old angel friend of yours this week. He said you'd know him as Gabriel. He met me in heaven, and when he realized who I was, he ripped me a new one. Apparently, you and your brothers made a big impression on him, and he wanted to do something for you guys. But the deal was this-he gave me a week to spend with you guys, but I couldn't tell you that I only had a week, or he would have ended it right there. So that's the reason I didn't tell you I was leaving. I wanted more time with you, even if it was only a few hours.

There's another letter in here. I wrote it a few months after you left to go live with Sam at Stanford. I thought about it when we had our talk in the motel room the night before last. It explains why I did some of the things I did. I hope it helps you see that I never, ever wanted to hurt you. Like you said, I thought I was doing the best I could. I see now that I wasn't, but I didn't see it then. I'm sorry again, little one. I'll never, ever stop being sorry for the way I treated you. But I will also never stop loving you, little one. Please don't doubt that.

Much Love,

Daddy

Tears streaming, Evy opened the second letter. Dean had a hand on her back, but she ignored him. The next letter made her cry even more.

When I woke up this morning, for a split second, I went to check on you. I had stepped out of the bed before I realized that you weren't there. My heart shattered again, but after taking a minute to collect my emotions, I walked out into the kitchen. Dean was there, eating some breakfast, which he offered to me. I say a silent prayer of thanks that Dean doesn't bug me again about calling you. I told him seventeen months earlier, a month after you left with your brother to start a new life, that I wasn't angry with you anymore. I don't think he believes me, but at least he's stopped asking.

The truth is, little one, I was never angry with you about leaving. I know, because of how I reacted that day, that you may not believe that. But I wasn't angry, little one. Did it hurt me to let you go? Absolutely. It hurt me more than anything else in the world. But it hurt me because I knew it was my own fault. It was my own fault you were pulling away from me and it was too late to do anything about it. I saw the writing on the wall years earlier, the night I told you the truth about the supernatural. We had never exactly been close, but after that night, everything fell apart. I don't think it was on purpose, but you never sought me out again for a hug, or for comfort, or attention. You would go to Sam most often or maybe Dean. And I couldn't blame you.

Little one, I am so sorry. Sorry that I never told you that you that you meant the world to me. Sorry that I got so wrapped up in hunting that I shoved you to the side. Sorry for every time that I ever hurt you. I still remember the devastated look on your face when I left Squish behind. I heard you crying later that night, and I wanted to comfort you, but I was afraid you wouldn't accept it. And I couldn't risk having to see you outright reject me.

Which was the reason that I handled it so badly when you finally did ask me to go live with Sam. When I sent you to your room after you asked me, I didn't do that because I was angry at you. I was angry at myself. I wanted to take a few minutes to think about what you were asking, but I was thinking at that point of letting you go. Thankfully, Sam stood up to me and made sure that I did. I'll most likely never admit this to him, but I'm glad that he did. If he hadn't, I might have backed out because of pure selfishness. I also saw that look on your face when I pushed you aside as I was leaving. I didn't do that to hurt you, honey, although I know it did. I did it so you wouldn't see the tears that were starting in my own eyes. I was afraid if you did see them you would change your mind.

What you don't know is what I spent that hour away from the house doing. I spent it in the pickup crying. I pulled over to the side of an abandoned road and bawled my eyes out. I felt like a complete failure. I had lost Mary, your mom, then Sam, and now, finally, you. I was, and still am, heartbroken. I know it doesn't feel like it at times, sweetie, but I do love you. I love you so much. There's times I can't believe that I'm lucky enough to call you my kid. You're so sweet, kind, and loving. You remind me a lot of your mom. I wish you could've known her. Things would have been different if she had lived. Better. The year that your mom was in my life, and in the lives of your brothers, was the happiest one we'd had since Mary had died.

But things are better for you. I know you don't know, but I've been by to see you and Sam. I'm on my way down there now. I told Dean I was taking a hunt by myself for a few days, but I didn't. I've been by to see you a few times. I didn't approach you, just watched you and Sam. I've never seen you smile so much. I've seen you and Sam a few times with a girl. I haven't caught her name, but she's obviously Sam's girlfriend. You and her seem to be very close. I hope all of you are happy and stay happy. I'm glad you both have people in your life.

I'm gonna go now, sweetheart. I don't really know what made me write this letter to you, especially since I doubt you'll ever read it. But I hope you realize one day how much I truly, truly love you. Goodbye, baby.

Much Love,

Daddy

Evy read the second letter through again, then read it a third time. She had never thought that all the insensitive and hurtful things John had done to her-getting angry when she left to go live with Sam, pushing her aside when she tried to hug him that night, not talking to them-had happened because John was hurt too. She had a hard time picturing her father pulled off to the side of the road crying his eyes out. But that was exactly what she'd needed to hear. She didn't regret leaving to live with Sammy. If she had stayed with John, she would have slipped into a depression that she may not ever have come out of. But she had no doubt now. Her daddy did love her, and he always had. He had just lost his way, and didn't know how to show it.

"Cricket?" Sam asked cautiously. "Are you okay?"

Evy took a long look at both of them before she answered. "Yeah. I'm okay."

"Really?" Sam asked. "Are you mad Dad left?"

"No." She said. "Did he tell you guys about the deal?"

"He left both of us a note. Asked us to make sure you got your letter." Dean explained.

"He left you a second one." Sam said. "Will you tell us what it says?"

"Read it." Evy said, handing it to him.

Sam read it out loud for Dean's benefit, but Evy wasn't paying attention. As he read, Evy clutched the first letter in her hand, rereading the line over and over Much love, Daddy. Evy leaned against Dean's shoulder, and could have sworn she felt another hand on her back. I love you, Daddy. Goodbye., she thought. The invisible hand on her back patted her twice, then left. Sam finished the second letter, and asked her again.

"Cricket?"

"I'm fine, Sammy." Evy assured him. "I really am. Let's go save some people."