Disclaimer: I don't own any of the copyrighted characters used in this story, but the Breaking Gang is mine.


All right folks, let's recap. Right now Eric, Vivian, and I had stepped in it deep with David's lie about a "Cousin Melissa", so we tried to bail David out. And thanks to Vivian's acting, we almost got Karen off our backs… until "Butters" invited "Melissa" and Karen to his "birthday party" and both of them accepted. That meant our committee would have to be put on hold until we solved this whole mess.

And things got worse when I entered the Area Man set the day before the party (we had a show in the afternoon), and was greeted by this: "WHOOO! Thank y'all for being such g—damn good sports with my antics!" A loud cheer came from the audience, and I saw Vivian… as Cousin Melissa! Not only that, she was drunk off her $$! I wanted to toss her off the stage and strangle her; Karen was going to find out the truth and destroy our delicate house of cards!

Then I saw Eric backstage. "Look, mushroom ho, I know you want Grape-Ape over there to stop with this, and lord knows I tried".

"HEY", I shouted. "I'm not a ho! But at least you know how bad this is. Let's drag Vivian off the stage…"

"No no, I said I TRIED to stop her, but something came up."


Earlier…

"…and Eric and I know it starts and ends with me and Karen getting the help we need to get off the committee mess." Apparently Eric and David had arrived early to talk turkey about the committees, and things were well.

That was, until a strange "woman" in a big cowboy hat and a blue dress came onto the stage smelling of liquor. Yep, it was "Melissa". "Well, HOWWWWDY! From the great shores of Maine, I've come to lend my support for you 2 good-looking motherf-kers!"

"HEYYY! Get off the sta-"But David was stopped by the audience cheering and hooting at "Melissa". Turns out the make-up and dress made Vivian look like a REALLY pretty lady.


"Wait wait wait… Did you REALLY try to get Vivian off the stage, Eric?"

"Hell no, Goom! This act is healla awesome, and after the party I think this drunken act should stay put."

"Eric, did you remember? We promised to keep this secret. What if Karen sees this? What if Vivian's sisters see this? You know how many people watch DFTV!"

"Yeah, and that's why it's perfect! I had my doubts about Vivian, but this proves she can do good work here! I knew you'd be good for something, Goomba!" And then Eric hugged me while drunken "Melissa" kept telling her life story to a delighted audience and a frightened David.

Ladies and gentlemen, this was the first of MANY moments in my tenure with the show that I wanted to rip Eric's head clean off his shoulders. Number 2 would come the next night…


…The next day at around 4:30 P.M, "Butters'" party got started. Eric was there along with the usual trio (Stan, Kyle, and Kenny) following him, and I was upstairs just trying to wait the party out. No, I wasn't being a party-pooper; Karen and David were also there…

"Well, yeah! I used to be one heck of a country performer/dancer, until I got hurt."

…as well as Vivian/Melissa, spewing more lies to some of the other male friends of "Butters". I was getting more impressed/scared of how many lies Vivian keeps making up on the spot to throw people off the trail. Then I heard "Butters'" mom Linda declare that it was time for cake, which meant I could no longer hide.

I had to step inside the big, white lie again and pray that the whole thing doesn't implode.


But right outside South Park, 2 mysterious figures were approaching the automated security gate designed to protect the town.

"Hee hee hee! Well sis, we finally made it to South Park. Now we just have to find Vivian and get an explanation for her behavior. You got the friendship cake ready?"

"GUH!" said Marilyn as she presented an awful looking cake with "WE'RE SORRY" on it.

"Right! We're ready!"

"YAY!" Beldam then rang the doorbell in front of the gate.

"Hello. Who is approaching our town?"

"My friends inside your building, wherever you are… We-"

"Can I have a large #4 burger combo to go?"

"Marilyn, you fat oaf. You had a whole bucket of fried onion rings an hour ago!"

"AHHHH, I love fried onion rings." The stench that came from Marilyn's mouth seeped through the speaker, right into the command post…

"Rick, those 2 weirdos aren't leaving. You got the tasers ready?"… And right on the security guards. "GAHHH! Fried onion rings?!" And the guards fell over… right on the button that opens the gate!

Marilyn: "Huh… Guess we have to order inside".

Oh, and one more thing before we continue: Karen's friend Shirley Baker was waiting near "Butters'" house for the party to end (she didn't get an invite). Remember that for later on.


At that time, the party had convened around the Stotch's kitchen table as everyone was waiting for the cake. I had relaxed a little bit, mainly because Karen was still in the dark about "Melissa". And those 2 were actually talking… civilly.

"Look Karen, uhhh… I'm not really a straight-shooter, but you know I still have a heart. You see me helping Melissa, right?"

"David, you still have a problem with me and our committees. But let's not make a big scene here. Yes, Melissa looks a little weird to me, but she's part of your family." And as Linda laid down the birthday cake and prepared to light all the candles, things looked good… especially for a certain Cartman trying to take some of the frosting off the cake (which was "me wanting to strangle Eric Cartman" moment #2). Annoyingly, Vivian/"Melissa" was doing the same thing.

"Mmm… pardon me, Miss. This tastes odd."

Linda: "HEY! You 2 leave the cake alone! That is a blueberry frosting I made for the first time, and furthermore the first slice goes to Butters!"

To which Eric responded "What? I didn't touch it yet. Right, you doucheb-"

"AAAAACHOOOO!" came from Vivian/"Melissa". "*sniff* Sorry, I have a little allergy to blueberries."

Then Karen screamed, "Hey, wait a minute!" Turns out the force of that sneeze made a hole in Vivian's dress, exposing her skin… Uh oh, I knew it. Here comes Karen's explosion…

"Ah, HA! I knew that girl from the TV had my dress!" called out a voice from the Stotch's front door. Everyone (including the Breaking Gang) turned to look… and our jaws hit the floor (especially the Breaking Gang)! We saw a teenaged girl with skinny legs, gloves on her hands, and a weird hat. In fact, apart from the white skin tone… she looked just like Vivian!

At that moment, I couldn't comprehend it, but for some reason I knew it was all real. By some cosmic force unknown to us, could this woman really be…

"And there you are, Cousin David! I can't believe you'd remember me after all this time!"

…a true-to-life Cousin Melissa?! "I just so happened to see that Vivian woman and I thought she was stealing my act. It's time for me to take back what's mine!" said Melissa.

By this time Vivian had fainted, the kids were in awe of how similar Melissa and Vivian looked, and as for David and Karen I knew they would explode over this shocking result. So I only had two words for the Breakers and Melissa: "Upstairs. Now."


So while Eric, "Butters", and everyone else were having cake (excluding Vivian of course), I was in the Scotch's master bedroom with the 3 Breakers. At this point, I thought it was best to just let them vent, and only intervene when I needed to.

Melissa: "Well shoot, Karen, I don't blame you for not believing I'm really David's cousin. But it's true; I played with him a few times during our time on NBC, but not after he got married."

David: "Karen, Melissa just… came to me. I knew you were going to freak out over me getting help from Goombella, but I still want to fix things between us."

Karen: "You still lied to me! I don't care if you 'suddenly remembered' your cousin, you're still with Area Man! I told you not to get those nitwits involved, this whole thing is between you and me."

David: "I know. But the committees you started drew a wedge, we both know that."

Melissa: "And I know it, too. I haven't seen you guys in person in over 10 years, but I've heard all about your committees. Now I'm glad they're finally gone, but shouldn't you guys let bygones be bygones about this?"

Karen: "But… but David still lied."

Melissa: "Girl, so what if he told a little white lie. It's like what Chris Rock once said: 'Calling out a man out on lying is like having a handicapped kid playing basketball, and then calling him out for double-dribble.'"

Karen: "…Well, what the f—k does that mean?"

Eric: "It means, you've gotta let of that s—t slide. Now get you fat, belching vagina out of here; the karaoke contest is happening!" And just like that, before either I or David could protest, the Scotch's grabbed Karen, dragged her downstairs, and threw her out of the party…

…and right next to Shirley Baker. "Whoa! Karen, you OK? Did Eric and the Goomba get to you? I saw a weird woman enter the house, who was that?"

"Cousin… Cousin Melissa" was Karen's response. "I… I can't believe it."

"Eh?! David was telling the truth about Melissa?" By this time, Karen had gotten up and was standing on her feet… with a samurai sword starting to be unsheathed. And Shirley knew that Karen was thinking bloody murder. "Uh, Karen, let's… let's cut our losses, let's get back to the hotel…"

"NO! Area Man planned this whole thing! They KNEW I'd call them out on their lie, so they hired an actress to portray Melissa! They knew they were in trouble with me! And I'M NOT GOING TO STAND FOR THIS! ARRRRRRR…" With a burst of speed, Karen ran to the Scotch's home, kicked the door in, and…

"DAVID! I'm calling you out on your lies! WHERE'S THE FAKE MELISSA? 'CAUSE I'M-"Karen didn't get a chance to finish, as Linda tackled her hard. Then someone yelled out "FOOD FIGHT!" and everything went nuts as food went flying. As I later found out Vivian tried to duck for cover, but...

"AAAH! Oh, I hate messy fights- OWW!"… she would take a glass punch bowl to the head thanks to Karen.


Meanwhile at the same time, Vivian's sisters have finally found the party. And Beldam was pumped. "All right. The parents in the town said that this is where most of the kids are. I'll bet a few of them know where Vivian is! Marilyn, ready to be a secret agent?"

"No! Look at that house! Everyone's having the time of their lives breaking stuff, and I wanna do it too!" And Marilyn just ran in the house, which now was a total war zone. All of the kids were throwing cake, snacks, and various toys at each other with me literally getting tossed around a few times (God, sometimes I hate being a small Goomba). Karen was still causing a scene as she had lost her samurai sword, but was still attacking everything that moved. And EVERYONE (including me) had cake all over them…

…everyone excluding Vivian, who was laying low under the punch bowl. "Hey sis, I found the party animal! WOOOO!"

"EEEK! Marilyn! How'd you find me- Oh wait, this is about Area Man, right Beldam?"

"Meee hee hee… You're right. Me and Marilyn were enjoying your shenanigans on your new TV show- INCOMING!" Beldam was interrupted by me… being thrown around by the kids and right onto the Scotch's new TV. "Hey, Goombella! You all right?"

"Ah, I'm sure she's fine, Vivian. Now the big compl- WHOA! What the hell happened to your head?" It was then that Beldam noticed a bleeding head wound that Vivian sustained thanks to the punch bowl.

"Oh… Remember a girl named Karen Burton? Well… OW! Sorry, it still hurts." But Beldam wasn't seeing the wound, she was seeing red.

"WHAT?! You're telling me that Karen gave you that wound? Why? What sort of monster would do that? Besides me?!"

"Uh, you can go ask her that, Beldam. She's still causing a mess." And Vivian pointed Beldam in the direction of a still-mad Karen that had forgotten about David and Melissa, and was just randomly breaking stuff screaming "No one escapes my wrath! NEVER! Fighting, fighting, must keep fighting!" And Beldam was ready to fight.

"Grrrrrrrrr… NOBODY'S allowed to hurt my sisters without me saying so! ATTACK!" And then, without Karen realizing it… WHAM!


About 5 minutes later, the chaos had finally stopped. David had gotten to higher ground, the Scotch's had just started to clean up their ruined house…

…and Karen was in the back of a police squad-car. Because of the fact that Karen tried to attack people with a sword, and because of all the chaos, she ended up taking the fall for the party and arrested. And I can still hear her last words as the police car was leaving the scene: "Everyone KEEP FIGHTINGggggg…"

The next day, Vivian and I were just outside the Area Man studio talking about what had happened.

Vivian: "Well Goombella, the Breaking Gang got a chance to talk civilly."

Me: "But David and Karen are still separated."

Vivian: "The fans loved the chaos that happened at the Scotch's, and our ticket sales have shot upwards."

Me: "But we're still hated by the network."

Vivian: "Cousin Melissa turned out to be real, and she was a good sport about our show."

Me: "But now she doesn't want to talk to us ever again."

Vivian: "And best of all, the Philadelphia Eagles didn't get involved at all with us, so the NFL still likes us!"

Me: "But Nozomi is still in the hospital."

Vivian: "Something tells me you don't consider this a full-victory for the forces of good. Thing about it: David behaved himself during this event, and I'm sure Karen will calm down when she's released from jail and work on the relationship with him. And because of the whole 'Cousin Melissa' mess, nobody on the network traced the riot at the party to us. Doesn't that count as some sort of a victory?"

Me: "I don't know… Go ask 'Butters'. Last time I checked, his parents are blaming their son for 'Melissa'." Sadly, I was not lying.

Later, back in the studio Vivian was trying to explain to her sisters why she left them behind to join Area Man. 20 minutes after the meeting began, all 3 of them approached me. Vivian was first to speak.

"Goombella, guess what? My sisters and I are back on the same page again!"

"Well, that's great! What did you 3 agree on to make that happen?"

Beldam then dropped a HUGE bomb on me: "You see, the big reason Marilyn and I were upset with her was that she didn't even bother to speak with either of us about the show. Mainly, could we come along?"

"Eh? What are… Oh, PLEASE don't tell me, Vivian."

"That's right! We spoke with Eric, and he agreed to let my sisters join the show!"

"WHAT?! Hey Eric, you sure you're okay with this?"

"Hey, the more bi—hes helping us out, the better. Now grab Melissa and 2 blowtorches, and meet me at the library. Time for INITIATION!" And just like that, the Sirens and Eric left with me in tow, leaving me with the realization that I was going to have to save DFTV with an obnoxious fatso and 2 witches that act like 13-year old boys. And one word was repeating in my head over and over:

WHHHHYYYYY?!


Whew… I'm finally done with this part of the story. Please read and review, and I'll get the next chapter up a little faster next time. And don't forget to check out my latest poetry series!