7. The Delectation Derivation
Leonard was cleaning up their apartment after Sheldon's birthday and Sheldon was searching for the remnants of his Millennium Falcon cake.
"Where on earth has that cake got to?"
"Well," said Leonard, "after you tried to hide it in your room and claimed it was a lie, I put the rest of it in the fridge."
Sheldon checked again. "It's not there now. There is some leftover champagne."
"We should probably drink that," said Leonard, looking for any excuse to stop extracting bits of party popper from their floor.
"You know what alcohol does to me," said Sheldon, offering him the bottle.
-o-
Half a bottle of champagne later, Leonard was visibly happier. Sheldon had located his cake.
"Happy Unbirthday!" Leonard hugged him.
"Thank you." Sheldon hugged back.
Leonard snuggled against him. "You know, when you're not being all… well…" He looked up at Sheldon.
"Go on."
"You're very…" He blinked and looked unsure.
"Alluring?"
Leonard made odd gulping movements with his mouth. "No… well…"
Sheldon smirked. "It is no wonder that you feel that way."
"It isn't?" He let go and stared at Sheldon with a puzzled expression.
"No, Leonard. Now comes the time when I reveal my cunning plans, Watchmen-style, after the fact. Except with fewer psychic cephalopods," he added.
"I'm sorry?"
"Ah, let me explain. All this time you have been misplacing my affections for you upon Lisa. But I did not wish to reveal them unreciprocated, so I formulated a strategy."
"A strategy?"
"Yes, Leonard. If you would just let me finish." He smiled smugly. "In order to induce feelings of attachment and protectiveness in you, I decided to foster the pretence of a vulnerable emotional state. Due to social conventions, this would allow me to initiate more intimate and frequent interactions with you without fear of rejection. Studies have shown that physical contact increases levels of oxytocin, leaving you relaxed and affectionate in my presence. Repeated efforts led to conditioning in which you associate my company and closeness to me with contentment and the alleviation of my anguish. Eventually this response manifested itself as infatuation."
Leonard stared at him, his mouth open.
"Any questions?"
Leonard gaped some more before replying. "So this was all… engineered?"
"Oh, Leonard. Of course it was. To the letter."
"You… tried to engineer my feelings?"
"Successfully, I might add."
Leonard spluttered and waved his hands about. "You- I-"
Sheldon gazed at him intently.
"Okay, well, maybe a little, yes. But not just that- you took advantage of my guilt. You made me organise my room to your standards. You made me sing that stupid song every night. The other day you made me drive 20 miles out of my way to get the right type of mayonnaise."
Sheldon waved Leonard's protestations off with a flick of the wrist. "The material gain was just a fortuitous co-product. What I really needed was your sympathy. Lisa and her excruciatingly irksome boyfriend were practically dropped into my lap by the Fates."
"So you didn't have a thing for her? What about all the poetry? And the gravity stuff?"
"Deliberate sabotage, Leonard: in case she was having difficulties in her relationship and needed a kind and handsome man to shoulder her burden, I needed to ensure that she was thoroughly put off. It was helped along by my pathological inability to lie, but really, even I could have done a much better job. I'm surprised you didn't realise I was faking."
Leonard raised an eyebrow.
"But perhaps my brilliance exceeds even my comprehension." Sheldon mused for a second.
"God, you're like some kind of evil mastermind…"
"I believe it has already been proven that I am of superior intelligence. 'Evil' is of course a subjective descriptor, but I rather feel that I have done us both a favour by deflecting your affections towards a more attainable partner than you usually attempt to solicit."
Leonard waved his arms around, exasperated. "I… I feel violated, except not…"
Sheldon observed him. "While my actions have been somewhat disingenuous, might I draw attention to the fact that your support of my hypothetical interest in Lisa and subsequent attempts to assist me were instrumental in providing the necessary mixture of-"
"You know what," interrupted Leonard, "I think I need to be alone for a bit…" He rushed to his room and hastily shut the door.
"Hm." Sheldon sat down and took out his notebook. Leonard very confused, but if he will be so easily manipulated he should be wary of these things. He picked up a leftover piece of birthday cake and started munching on it. Unexpected response, but not insurmountable.
"By the way, this cake is excellent, Leonard!" he called.
"Thanks!" came the reluctant voice from behind the door. "It's my own recipe!"
Sheldon beamed and continued writing. Definitely not insurmountable.
-o-
A/N: In no way did I spend a long time wondering whether it would be easiest to make a Millennium Falcon, Enterprise, Galactica or Serenity cake. Nope…
-o-
