Torenko-chan: You don't even want to know what I did to the partitions. Let me just say I wasn't aware you could DO that to corrupt ALL the partitions. D: Thus – Vista on my lappy.

Jason Grey: I intended to make this a lot more introspective on Chell, but dialogue, puns, and verbal shticks are my greatest weakness/kryptonite. That, and I am at heart a sentimentalist made of warm fuzzies. (It makes for excellent angst when you are mean to them later *evil laughter*)

Tatsu-ZZmage: Minecraft is the best! Dwarf Fortress? Dwarf fortress PLEH! … my dwarfs keep drowning in rivers or getting killed by elephants or flooding cities with lava or DEATH BY CATS. I'm pretty terrible at it. It plays like if the Matrix screen were it's own game. Sooo confusing.

I seem to be running a slight fever. Or maybe just overheating. But in any case I'll take advantage of being sick and try to get the next chapter out soon. I'm tempted to write an interlude chapter, but I'm funneling all the OCC insanity for a different project.

Sarcasm Still Valid


Exhaustion was beginning to catch up to Chell again as the elevator dropped yet another level to more tests, her eyes felt heavy and gritty. Rubbing at them with her knuckles, GLaDOS's voice echoed throughout the tiny room she was in. "Universal Coordinated Atomic Clock is now back online. All dates, times, and variance in Earth's orbit have been recorded. In order to provide test subjects with current news, I am now alerting you that it is exactly 3:42:40... a leap year. And also, it is a Tuesday."

Chell felt that GLaDOS had just given her the most information that told her absolutely nothing.

Examining the human's expression with the camera, GLaDOS correctly deduced Chell's current irritation. "Well, if you feel that way, then I will also tell you that yesterday was your birthday. I just wanted you to know."

… was it … seriously her birthday? For a moment, Chell struggled to remember what day her birthday was on exactly.

Wheatley seemed to believe GLaDOS. "Oh wow, well, happy birthing day! Birthdays, strange things. I always thought it was a bit odd to celebrate the day you were exposed to oxygen as the day you were... well... you. Rather than the day you started to exist."

Chell pushed herself off the ground of the elevator and into the hall, not really believing it was her birthday, but enjoying listening to Wheatley speak.

"... wait... ok, so I know how humans are- made." The core sounded flustered, "And actually, celebrating the day that two humans did... um.. well... that," Wheatley broke off, his metal plating shuddering just a bit.

There was a sudden and very long pause. "Yeah, you know, I think I understand celebration due to exposure to oxygen rather than the day your parents um... they...you know, makes it less disturbing." Wheatley grew horribly awkward, stuttering and spluttering.

Haha, look what human bodily function embarrassed him now! Chell gave a unintentional giggle, actual sound coming from her rather than the silent huff of laughter like before.

The noise startled everyone.

Wheatley's optic widened in alarm and his gaze darted up to one of the cameras. He had heard Chell laugh before, or grunt in pain when she caught him with her face, but speaking was beyond her. However... GLaDOS had never heard the human many a single sound at all. Perhaps the AI was setting up more tests for them and had missed the soft noise.

"So you can make sounds." GLaDOS had been listening.

Suddenly, Chell felt the situation wasn't funny anymore. In fact, she wanted back into testing as fast as possible before GLaDOS decided to try to figure out why it was Chell could make reflexive sounds but no words.

Entering in the next section, she emerged under the floor and watching in amazement as panel arms assembled the chamber above her head. Wow, if they could build one of those this fast... Chell really could be testing for the rest of her life. An endless world of one test after another, no breaks, and no stops.

Well... until she finally made the big rest and just keeled over dead.

The floor below Chell's feet carried her up into the testing room, revealing three beacon like projections, a laser, and an emo cube. As well as three locks on the door. 'Ah geez, Trigonometry based tests now?' The woman winced.

"Uhg, sorry luv. Not very good at these tests. Or story questions." Wheatley looked baffled by the test.

GLaDOS gleefully began to speak. "So if two turrets are traveling towards each other 16 miles apart in the vacuum tube tracks, one moving at terminal velocity and the other at half the speed of sound,-," the story problem question made Wheatley whimper.

Chell began to labor trying to adjust the emo-cube just enough to bounce the single beam to all three beacons when again... GLaDOS began to talk to her instead. 'Strange,' Chell thought, 'I don't remember her being this chatty.'

"You know how I'm going to live forever, but you are going to be dead in sixty years?" GLaDOS asked, watching as Chell fumbled with the last beacon to open the door.

'And thank god for that.' Chell snorted, rolling her eyes as she over-corrected with the emo-cube. 'I don't think I could take an eternity listening to you if I was stuck in here.'

"Well, I've been working on a belated birthday present for you. Well...," A musical tone reached GLaDOS' voice. "-more like a belated birthday medical procedure. … Well-," the tone became even lighter, "Technically, it's a medical EXPERIMENT. But what's important is, it's a present!"

'… I hope you kept the receipt,' Chell thought giving the emo-cube one last twist into place. Then, pulling out the charcoal, she wrote on the floor with her slanted scrawl, "No Thank you, I don't need it."

GLaDOS answer was vastly delayed, probably not expecting Chell to 'speak'. Chell finally managed the angle and hit all three beacons with the laser beam, unlocking the door noisily.

"Are you sure? It would help you lose weight?"

… why that lousy 64-mb processor!

"You first." Chell wrote again, smudging the letters a bit as she got up.

And this time there was no response from the AI at all.

"Honestly, any gift she gives is pro'lly going to involve neurotoxin, in some way." Wheatley burned through his last 25 words at a whisper, and Chell agreed with him with a slight incline of her head.

Through the Emancipation Grill, the door behind her slammed shut once her portals were removed. 'Team Imbecile' took the elevator ride in silence, Chell rubbing the charcoal stains from her hands onto her pants and putting more smudges on the orange fabric. The little sphere was watching her with intrigue.

"At this rate, you'll be wearing a black jumpsuit." Wheatley noted with amusement.

"Black is not a Aperture Science Testing apparel approved color." GLaDOS sounded disapproving.

Looking at the dirtied jumpsuit, there were stains of rust and dust from the aged test chambers smudged on the knees as well. Chell fingered a hole in the thigh of the pants, wiggling her index finger through it.

"Wot are you going to do? Confiscate her clothes because they don't match the uniform?" Wheatley asked in a querulous tone.

The human turned an embarrassed red. 'Oh my god... Wheatley if she takes my clothes and I have to run through here naked,... I'm going to kill you.' Chell's face flamed brightly.

"Oh! Turning colors again! What's that for, anyway? Camouflage? Wrong color for camo, dear." Wheatley perked up a bit, observing the flustered human.

Scrambling to grab the sphere and put him in the 'Shut-your-noise-maker' hold (IE: mushing him against her 'fluff' as he called it), Chell fumbled him across the floor unsuccessfully.

"Human skin is able to change it's hue by adjusting the blood supply. Upon an embarrassment stimulation, a select few test subjects choose to blush rather than die in a fire." GLaDOS informed Wheatley. "The Marshmallow had not previously demonstrated this ability before."

Blue optic was gazing at the pink flush on human skin, Wheatley rolled to the side a little, evading Chell's grasp again. "Wot ability? Blushing? Or... dying in a fire?"

"Both." GLaDOS answered.

Chell glared up at the ceiling, missing Wheatley yet again as he rolled under her grasp. GAH,... how was a core with no freaking legs dodging her so well... 'Don't you dare give him any ideas! He already gets a kick of out embarrassing the crap out of me.' She doubled her glare towards the camera fit into the top of the elevator.

"I'll give you a hint... humans are easily embarrassed by-," GLaDOS spoke in a shifty voice, talking directly to Wheatley who twitched with interest. The slight pause in the sphere's rolling allowed Chell time to snatch him up and stuff him into the 'shut up' hold. Keeping Wheatley pressed into her chest, Chell brought her knees up and curled her arms around him, blocking all protests from the sphere and dampening anything he might hear GLaDOS say. He did NOT need MORE advice.

The camera at the roof of the elevator buzzed. "You know, you should be grateful your Protocol Testing Partner is only a personality sphere rather than another human or a full sized bipedal testing bot." GLaDOS gave an airy tone. "For starters... I believe doing that with a human male would qualify you as one of the most depraved humans to have darkened my facility in a long... long... time."

She hadn't thought it possible, but Chell blushed even more and quickly released Wheatley so he fell back into her lap.

"And THAT is how you sufficiently embarrass a human... amateur." GLaDOS gave a haughty sound at Wheatley, who was staring up bewildered.

Now it was a real struggle to keep a straight face. So... off-color for GLaDOS, it was actually funny to hear the statement as if GLaDOS were master of human behavior (… and maybe she was). Or maybe Chell's sense of humor was becoming twisted. But the real fight was to keep her face blank as she walked passed the glow red eye of the security camera with Wheatley tucked in her arms. Chell's mouth twitched and she failed at a poker face, biting her lower lip with the corner of her mouth twitching in mirth and her nostrils flaring to try to keep from laughing. Her cheeks were still flushed from embarrassment too.

At least the expression was so stupid, GLaDOS would have a hard to figuring out what the human was doing, exactly. 'Master that expression, you crazed AI!' Chell thought, exhaustion making her slightly maniac.

The smile was instantly wiped clear when she entered a room and a red dot moved to her chest and bobbled for a second.

'OH CRAP!'

"Activating!" A high pitched voice chirped and a hail of bullets scattered in Chell's direction.

The human's first reaction was to heave the object in her left hand at the turret and dive to safety. Bullets clanged around her as she rolled on the ground, now tucked behind the wall.

KLANG! "OW!"

… wait... left hand?

OH SHIT, WHEATLEY!

The sphere was rolling slightly on the ground next to a downed turret with a massive dent in the white armor and the red eye darkened. His blue eye swayed dizzily and he gave a slight groan, the turret was completely disabled. Sliding into a crouch next to him, Chell dropped the ASHPD to scoop him up with both hands. Giving him a slight shake, she tried to get Wheatley to speak.

"Did... I get 'im?" The sphere slurred.

Nodding, Chell carefully rolled her fingertips in small circles oh the core's hull, as if rubbing away a headache against his marred and scratched armor.

"... 'M rebooting, aw'right?" The core wobbled, his gyros churning randomly. How badly damaged was he? The blue eye closed, and there was a sound of a processor slowly whirring down in frequency. However before the human could entering a frantic state, the sound picked up again, along with the familiar grinding and clicking of a computer booting up.

"He's fine." GLaDOS's voice startled Chell. "Well, in relative terms. There is no cure for idiocy after all. He's just doing a rolling system reboot to reset the sensors you so cruelly scrambled." The human winced at the accusatory tone.

Chell nearly kicked herself for her reflexively careless gesture. She hadn't meant it, letting the little sphere get hurt was the furthest thing from her mind while escaping. But it had been her own fault, using Wheatley as a projectile. Tying the sphere back into the jumpsuit as he rebooted, Chell made a mental note to never do that ever again. And to destroy all the turrets as violently as possible now.

If the little turrets had known what was coming after them in an orange jumpsuit, they probably would have chosen to shut themselves down.

Every camera watched as Chell dodged bullets, portaled behind turrets, or used light bridges to walk above the danger. The last two turrets at the end stood alone as she emerged behind them. Every other turret in the testing chamber had been smashed, dropped, concussed, crushed, or a medley of other destroying methods. Chell had been getting good at destroying them. Normal protocol would have been to pick up one turret and smash it against the head of the other...

But Chell was getting tired. The adrenaline panic from Wheatley's damage was already fading off. Destroying turrets until they crumbled out of their white metal shells took a lot of energy.

Instead, she stepped up, pat them both on the back, and left without destroying them.

"Thank you." One turret said.

Chell didn't reply, of course.

But it would have been hilarious if she had stuck 'shoot me' signs on them both.

There was a snap followed by a metallic whirring sound and Wheatley gave a groan. "Uhg, w-wot did I miss?" He blinked blearily, as if waking from a long sleep.

Chell was just leaving the test, adrenaline from the live-firing course now complete worn off leaving her a stumbling mess. At Wheatley's groggy voice, she pulled him free, and with a distraught expression she rested her forehead against his metal shell in an apology.

"Aww, w-you- you look like someone spilled your milk. Look, if I survived dropping of my management rail, being nearly crushed by the dragon, dropped in water, and then taking out a turret... all on my own, mind you... I have a feeling I'm invincible!" The core grew more and more animated as he tried to convince the human he was fine.

A panel on the wall swung open, revealing a vacuum tube. "Would you care to test that theory?" GLaDOS asked. "There is always space in the incinerator."

"Uhno. No. Very no." Wheatley self corrected, suddenly humbled.

Waiting for the elevator, Chell wondered why it kept taking her down and down. How far down did it go? … and how far up would they have to go to escape? Wheatley's blue eye was staring at her, the aperture widening when they met gazes.

"We forgot to taunt..." The core lead off, his gaze darting to the camera briefly.

Oh yeah. Chell had forgotten to taunt GLaDOS with her little spherical friend. In fact, she had forgotten several times now. It had been hilarious fun at first, but now Chell found she was too tired, to anxious, and to fearful of some kind retaliation when this close to their escape.

If the escape was still there.

"Hey... um... hey you." Wheatley said suddenly to a camera.

"If you are trying to get my attention -Moron-sphere- keep in mind I AM this facility, and will be crushing you later." GLaDOS growled.

Wheatley sort of flexed his metal shell outwards, 'fluffing' like an angry cat would as he tried to keep his temper in check. The human suddenly cupped a hand over her mouth to keep from giggling. Now, the only thing her brain could picture was a tiny little Wheatley-cat.

Giving a slight growl, Wheatley tried to keep his most cordial tone level after the insult and threat. "What would we have to do to be released? To the Outside, you know. Test some more? Time off for good behavior? How about distinctly NOT blowing up things. I think we can do that." The core asked.

The elevator arrived, and the panels around the hall flexed in GLaDOS's irritation. Chell quickly jumped into the tube and allowed it to carry her on. GLaDOS answered once her 'cargo' was safely moving. "What makes you think the outside is safe? It's a horrible place. Aperture Labs is much safer. And you'll live longer – though futile it may be – if you stay here. With me. And have cake."

Bribing Chell had never worked thus far, so why was the AI even still trying? There wasn't even any cake! In fact, all the attempts GLaDOS had ever made only succeeded on setting goosebumps on the human's flesh and causing her to wonder if she was insane.

… or maybe that was the whole point.

"I say we put it to a vote." Wheatley complained. He looked at Chell and the human nodded. No matter what the 'vote' would be, she was voting with Wheatley! "Release us without death verses continue testing. We want a vote."

GLaDOS paused. "Alright. All in favor of releasing the current test subjects... say Aye."

Chell suddenly saw the flaw in the plan.

"Aye!" Wheatley said. And then he quickly saw it too.

Chell couldn't speak.

"All opposed say nay. Nay." GLaDOS announced. "Oh, look at that. Stalemate. What a shame. Resume testing." She ordered them.

Oh well. It had been a vain attempt anyway.

There was a musical sounding hum from the speakers. "I was going through the inventory of cryogenics." GLaDOS said as Chell leaned her forehead against the glass as she rested in the tube with Wheatley in her arms.

The core went completely still.

Chell looked down at him in confusion before remembering that he had been 'responsible' for the god knows how many people in cryo that had died over the years. Was there anything he could have done? Short of releasing them all – no.

Was he going to get blamed? – probably.

Was it going to be bad? – Oh hell yes.

Wheatley had asked her back then if the situation ever came up to lie... well... not that she could verbally lie... But she could at least defend Wheatley. Chell only looked at the camera, indicating that 'Yes, psychotic computer, you do indeed have my attention'.

It seemed that was what the computer system was waiting for. "In the inventory, were two humans that shared your surname. … hmm, what are the odds, especially for such a unique name of [REDACTED]." GLaDOS gave an amused hum right before the automated word slammed into the end of the sentence with a static filled hiss.

GLaDOS always lies. Never believe her. GLaDOS always lies, never believe her...

But the mantra didn't help Chell's heart, which had accelerated to a jack hammer. Logic! Use logic!...

But that made the problem worse. Cold storage had powered down sometime during the last hundred years, killing power to compartments as it went. Wheatley had implied that there was no one left, but it was obvious the sphere wasn't the most perceptive little guy at times. Even with auxiliary power bleeding out of the systems, Chell had been awake for a few hours before accidentally reviving GLaDOS. Were there a few hours of power left in the reserve system to keep... keep a survivor alive in cold storage until GLaDOS fixed the meltdown and restored power?

Why was she even considering this? It was stupid. Logic was stupid! It was an obvious trap, meant to cause her too think too hard about what she said and not about the tests. No more distractions. It had nearly killed her friend (and herself) in the last test. Wheatley was still completely silent, afraid that saying anything about cryo would cause GLaDOS to somehow realize it was his job to be watching humans.

The elevator ride took far too long for a normal ride, but at least Chell got a bit to rest. Until GLaDOS spoke again and set the woman jerked out of her half-doze, that is. "I'll make you a deal. Survive this test and I have a surprise for you."

A nervous twitch hit the human. GlaDOS's surprises NEVER EVER were good.

When GLaDOS had disconnected from the PA with the static pop following a broadcast, Wheatley finally dared to speak, activating his sub-speakers to whisper, "Um... t-the escape route I sabotaged is two tests away. But d-do you think the surprise is going to be f-fatal?"

Without responding, Chell grit her teeth. GlaDOS's surprises were either fatal, or mind-breakingly traumatizing. So … yes. Yes it would be.

Entering the test, Chell found herself jumping clear of a turret's beam coming from a vent shaft and standing in a room SURROUNDED on two sides by turrets. With only a glass wall between her and a hail of bullets.

And they were all watching her. And about 6 voices called out in unison "Hello?"

Wheatley sighed. Chell wanted to swear, but instead sighed just as heavily as the core had at the same moment. The two of them sounded like a mighty bellows in a forge, huffing away in disappointment. Great. But a thought was niggling in Chell's mind. GLaDOS had instructed them to 'survive' this test, yet she hadn't said to just solve it... did that mean the AI approved of their cheating previously, or was it a challenge to try it again? 'She's taunting us. Like: 'Just TRY it, I dare you. Mwahahaha'... Okay, that sounded right. Evil laughs make all the difference.'

While she pondered this puzzle, Chell began to whistle. Or at least she tried. Licking her lips, she pursed them and got a few notes out before they were reduced to the sound of air blowing. Trying again, she caught the notes this time in the beginning of a tune before the sound petered into blowing air.

Her attempts at music had caused something most bizarre to happen. All the turrets were now focused on her. Not with their red aiming beam, but with their guns aimed at the floor and their red eyes dulled. One of them even sighed "Sleep mode", and seemed to stand down.

… did they like music?

Wheatley apparently had the same idea. He started singing the turrets a lullaby. However after the first three words, it became obvious Wheatley had no clue what a lullaby was supposed to sound like. "Standby mode. Standby mode. Shut down all your processors." He tried to sing, his voice remarkably in-key for the attempted lullaby. Some sort of parody of Brahms lullaby by the tune of it.

And what was more shocking... it seemed to be working. Turrets swayed a bit, most of them pulling their guns in and another one dropping into sleep mode. The core continued to sing slowly, however meeting Chell's gaze, he quickly rolled his eye towards the door. Get moving! Chell blinked in alarm and realized he wanted her to just walk right in front of the turrets!

… but... she did trust the sphere. Even thought it went against all common sense Chell had... but she stepped around the glass wall and into the line of fire.

There was nothing shooting at her.

"Hibernate. Hibernate, shoot test subjects another day." Wheatley sang slowly, his words with a peaceful lilt, and a few more turrets dropped off. Chell walked quickly around the turrets, giving extreme care that her longfall boots didn't click on the floor. She would swear for the life of her, it sounded like one of the turrets was snoring...

"Reboot, and shut down. Defragment hard drives all around." And when he was about to repeat that verse... the core's vocal unit gave the familiar 'pop' of using all 25 words.

… Chell was now in the middle of a group of half-dozing turrets, a mute sphere, no voice of her own, and suddenly feeling like she was about to die a very horrible death.

One of the turrets ahead of her jerked, slowly waking back to a half alert scanning mode. And it probably would have too... if there hadn't come a sound that was much more melodic than Wheatley's attempt at a lullaby. A soothing vibration of a song was in the air, and the rest of the turrets dropped entirely into a hibernate mode, completely unaware of everything.

Chell's heart was somewhere in her throat as she gave the most frantic tip-toe attempt ever, and ended up pressed in the door frame of the hall, panting for breath in terror. The song continued, too deep to be a turret's noise, and without any sort of words. It sounded … kind of familiar.

… wait...

GLaDOS was humming.

And after a few beats, Chell placed the song. "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow".

Odd... it sounded as soothing as a lullaby. But context related, after Chell's own whistling, Wheatley's lullaby and now GLaDOS humming? Chell had no clue what any of this meant. But if she had to guess... she'd swear it was a challenge to Wheatley and herself...'Anything you two can do, I can do better'. Or something.

Once through the emancipation grill, GLaDOS finished her tune and Wheatley's word count was reset. Silence filled the hall though, broken only by was the now positively snoring from the turrets (and one of them saying it wanted a pony).

"Um... d-... did that count as surviving the test?" Wheatley asked.

Chell was in a state of confusion. If GLaDOS had not started humming, the human would have been left to fling herself through a live firing ground as every turret woke up. Chances of her getting out unharmed weren't impossible... just unlikely. Why – why had the murderous AI done that? First she starts breaking her own rule about no communication during testing (though taunting seemed to be above that rule) and now she-

GLaDOS spoke suddenly, the confused expression on Chell's face wiping into brief surprise at the sound. "I have discovered a sub-routine in all Aperture Science Sentry Turrets that I was not previously aware of. Looks like those lab boys left -what is without a doubt- the stupidest bit of programming behind ever... aside from yourself ID core." GLaDOS ended with what sounded like a flattering tone, … and a taunting insult.

That didn't really answer Wheatley's question, or dampen the horrible burn on any of Chell's unasked ones. So Wheatley tried again. "Yes, but... do we have to have a surprise now? I mean, we didn't properly solve the test now, did we? As … um...as a 'not-reward', can we go without the surprise?"

"Oh, there will be a surprise." GLaDOS opened the elevator for the test subjects. "In fact, I'll take you there now. I'll even give you a hint. Two people who you haven't seen in a long time,..."

The look Wheatley gave Chell plainly said, 'Well, we're going to die. We're going to die just two tests from our exit. … Are we life's jokes?' He looked miserable.

And yet, he didn't look half has miserable as Chell did. She had a horrible feeling she knew what surprise lie ahead...