Chapter 7: Closing Shop
Disclaimer: Own nothing.
A/N: LAST CHAPTER. FREE AT LAST!
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Later that day, Kakuzu was running out of shit to sell. It was nearly time to close up shop. Until next year. Suzy finally managed to get a hold of some things. She set down a box full of Itachi's kunai, a set of chipped coffee mugs with Konoha Krystal Koffee emblazoned on them in faded letters, several hampers full of dirty laundry belonging to nearly everyone (except Konan, who kept her laundry separate), and even a bag of Hot Cheetos nicked from Deidara's underwear drawer.
Kakuzu, tired of Hidan's bitching about his lack of eyes, had wrapped a badly knitted scarf from Tobi over his face like a blindfold and stitched the priest's mouth shut. For good measure, Kakuzu threw the annoying complainer into a large tote filled with scratchy sweaters that Hidan had gotten for Christmas.
Kisame's sniffling also got on Kakuzu's last nerve, and so he ordered Deidara to help him go get Itachi back.
"What? I don't want to, un!"
"Itachi-san…oh my God, what if he's dead? What…what if he was waiting for me, thinking I would rescue him…and he…he died cursing my name?"
Kisame sobbed even harder and Deidara held his hands to his ears.
"Fine, un! Just shut the hell up!"
Kisame looked down at Deidara and grinned, wiping his tears from his little eyes.
"Should we take the scooter again?" Kisame asked. Deidara snorted.
"Don't you have a car?"
"Ah…true."
"Anyway, I plan on selling the scooter," Kakuzu said coldly from his La-Z-Boy. Deidara shook his head.
"Karma's going to bite you in the ass for this, old man, un!" Deidara yelled, pointing a finger angrily at him. Kakuzu shrugged.
"I lost some valuable things myself…but I have enough money to buy it all back, and more."
Kakuzu patted his Jar O' Money lovingly. Kisame grabbed the keys to his '89 Buick Century and he, Deidara and Sasori for some reason drove off in hopes of getting Itachi back. Before he ended up in the lost and found at Kmart again.
Kakuzu's fondling of his Jar O' Money was rudely interrupted as a girl with brown and blond streaked hair walked up to his table, hefting a large box onto it. Zetsu popped up out of the ground as Kakuzu looked over the items, adding up prices in his calculator.
"Let's see here…Chia Hippo, can't say I'll miss that, a Martha Stewart watering can, a bag of Zetsu's Zangy Fertilizer and a pair of Konan's tweezers."
"Eden-chan, why are you buying my Chia Hippo? I will be lost without him."
"Eden is a good girl, she will take good care of him," Zetsu'd white half said, smiling fondly at the girl, who happened to be Zetsu's main supplier of Miracle Grow, which we all know is crack for plants.
"Uh, yeah!" Eden said, quickly running off with her things, secretly plotting to light the Chia Hippo on fire later that night…
"Next!"
A girl with curly blue hair skipped up to Kakuzu and started taking pictures. Kakuzu shielded his eyes, the flash promptly blinding him.
"Argh, get that shit out of my face!" Kakuzu snarled, extending his arm to grab her camera and crush it in his hand. The bluenette was unfazed of course. She looked around curiously.
"Hey, do you think I could buy Hidan? I'm sure you want him out of your um, tentacles, right? I'll pay you ten grand I swear!"
Kakuzu's eyes widened.
"Really? Yeah, he's in that tote of old Christmas sweaters. Take the whole thing."
The girl squealed happily, set a briefcase on the table and leapt over it, glomping Kakuzu. He nearly fell out of his chair. When the girl climbed off of him and hauled the tote away, Kakuzu shook his head and opened the briefcase. He squealed much like a fangirl himself and shoved the entire briefcase down his pants. Life was good. No Hidan, lots of money…the scent of fresh bills wafting in the breeze…
And yet, MORE money was on its way. In the form of a girl with straight black hair. She came up to Kakuzu with a box of cookies and brandishing a shiny purple hairbrush.
"Hey, can I buy Tobi's masterpiece?" She asked, and opened up the box of cookies. An envelope full of untold amounts of money was tucked into the side, and Kakuzu snatched it out. He opened the envelope, quickly counted, then nodded.
"Sure thing. Anything else?"
"Yeah, is there another one of Deidara's brushes lying around? I didn't get his favorite one…and I'll trade for this shiny purple one!"
"Hm…I think he has a spare…" Kakuzu said slowly, "let me check."
Kakuzu detached his right arm and it crawled into the house via an open window. In less than ten seconds, it came back with a pink Lisa Frank hairbrush, bedecked with frolicking neon colored kittens. The girl screamed with delight.
"Oh my God thank you so much! And these cookies are for Dei-kun, but ONLY if he shares with Tobi!"
"Er…when he gets back from his rescue mission, I'll be sure to tell him that…"
"Thanks!" the girl said, and ran off to put the brush in her Deidara shrine…a lot of girls had those. Of course, Tobi's shrine to Deidara was the best, but no one knew that. Antartique, the girl with silver hair and eyes, came back and threw a quilt (a gift Kakuzu made for Hidan) and Mr. Chiclets on the table. Kakuzu's green eyes bulged.
"Mr. Chiclets? Wha…I thought you were in my back? How did you get out?"
"I would like to buy them, please."
Kakuzu glared.
"I don't think so."
"Everything is for sale, Kakuzu," Pein said coldly. He was standing in the doorway, Konan peering over his shoulder with an equally cold stare. Kakuzu swallowed.
"But…but Mr. Chiclets is my baby!"
"And you are selling him. Go ahead, girl, take the demon and the blanket. Before Kakuzu crushes your windpipe."
The girl didn't have to be told twice. She threw money at the shocked old nin and ran off with Mr. Chiclets, who was wrapped in the quilt. Kakuzu's eyes watered.
"My baby!"
"Here we go," Konan sighed, and pushed Pein out of the way to comfort the old man.
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Meanwhile, Kisame, Deidara and Sasori reached the house where Itachi was being held prisoner.
"This is it. You sure you can go up against her? She seems to know how to use your clay," Kisame said to the missing Rock nin. Deidara snorted.
"She's an amateur at best. Not a real artist like me and Danna, un!"
"You're not an artist, Deidara. You blow things up. That's hardly art, it's more likely just an immature boy's sad attempts at distracting himself from the pain of puberty."
"Shut up, un! I am NOT a boy, I'm a man, UN!"
Kisame shook his head.
"Don't start arguing now! That fangirl is scary!"
The three left the car and approached the house. Kisame stiffened, listening hard.
"Oh my God, I can hear Itachi!"
Kisame ran to the side of the house where there were windows low on the walls, basement windows. Kisame clawed at the block glass. He couldn't see anything, but he kept whimpering Itachi's name. Deidara rolled his eyes. And then he ducked as a winged tyrannosaurus rex fell down to the ground and blew a great big crater in the front lawn.
"Holy shit, un!"
"She has skillz," Sasori said softly, nodding sagely. Deidara looked up to see a girl with black and red hair leaning out of an upper story window.
"Itachi is MINE!" she yelled, and dropped a clay stegosaurus this time. Deidara started to form his own clay creation, and then he was grabbed from behind. Sasori's eyes widened.
"Reinforcements!" he cried. Indeed, the girl who had won the mud wrestling competition earlier had tackled Deidara to the ground. Renren was there as well, and Sasori only shook his head sadly.
"I knew you wouldn't let me go so easily," Sasori sighed. Renren glomped the puppet. Kisame scratched at the glass, whimpering like a dog that can't get over the fence to a bitch in heat.
It isn't known what happened to Kisame. The authoress would like to think that Lady Spyder stopped by while walking Dein and picked him up, promising to take good care of him. Who knows what Sea World would do if they got a hold of the poor sexy shark nin. Prostitute him to all the sex deprived walruses, most likely.
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Back at the garage sale, Konan had managed to calm Kakuzu down so he could sell off the rest of their things. Tobi cam back out wearing an actual deflated basketball duct taped to his face, since a rabid fangirl had stolen his mask.
"Hey, I want to buy Tobi!" a girl with dark hair falling into her eyes said. She grabbed Tobi by the hand and guided him over to Kakuzu's check out table. The old man just sighed.
"Fine. How much you going to pay?"
The girl gave him a creepy smile and tossed two hundred bucks on the table. Kakuzu shuddered.
"The idiot's yours."
"Hey, where are you taking Tobi?" the masked moron asked. The girl simply giggled and put Tobi in her red wagon and tugged him away.
"Bye bye daddy! Mommy! Zu Zu! And Grandpa Kuzu! Tobi loves youuuu!!!"
"Good riddance," Kakuzu growled. A girl in a long red dress approached then, cuddling the Chouji and Shika Furbies in her arms. She also had several other items, all belonging to Deidara: some of his Play Doh, a necklace he'd made out of Polymer clay beads and a bottle of his favorite Blueberry Bubble shampoo.
"Omnomnomnom!" Chouji said, while Shika Furby muttered "Troublesome!"
"Aren't Chouji and Shika Furbies cute?" the girl said, grinning happily. Kakuzu nodded.
"When they're bought and paid for, they sure are…"
The girl happily paid for her things and skipped off to give her new friends baths.
Brooke and Jen, who lived in the old creepy blue house on the corner, walked up to the drive. Brooke noticed something deviously evil laying down on the sidewalk and ran up to it while Jen ogled Konan's display of papier-mâché fruits and veggies. She started giggling at a cucumber with 'Tobi Wuz Heer' written on it in purple crayon.
"Hey, Jen!" Brooke said happily, dragging none other than the evil Gumby mailbox over to the checkout table. Jen dropped a banana and eyed the mailbox warily.
"That thing is the spawn of Satan!" Jen shouted. Brooke giggled.
"I know! I'm going to kill it! Wanna help?"
"Sure! Let me shop a little more, first. I want that Ninja Nascar set!"
While Brooke held onto the evil mailbox, which seethed silently and plotted world domination, Jen shopped around for anything she could find. Another customer walked up the drive, this one made entirely out of glass. She quickly scooped up anything left of Hidan's and Zetsu's and put it on the check out table.
"Zetsu's hair clip, Zetsu's Venus Flytrap "finger" painting, his tooth sharpener, Hidan's scythe polishing kit, Hidan's used copy of 'I'm Not In The Closet: The Hand Guide to Fairies in Denial,' his photo album of his old kitten Pussyfoots and Itachi's bottle of Windex," Kakuzu said, smirking at the last item. He loaded the items up in the glass person's cart.
"Thanks a lot!"
"Yeah…sure thing, weird glass person," Kakuzu said, resisting the urge to poke her and see if she shattered.
Brooke and Jen walked up and deposited money at the old man.
"Are you done? I'd like to go eat dinner now, it's after 7," Kakuzu growled.
"One last thing, Kuzu-chan," Jen said, smirking. Brooke snickered in her hand. Kakuzu sweat dropped, looking alarmed. Jen had a hungry look to her shit brown eyes.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. I want to buy…you!"
"What?!"
Jen bonked Kakuzu over the head with Pein's pimp daddy cane and threw the old missing Falls nin's limp body into a Kmart shopping cart and Brooke threw her mailbox in there, and the two ran back to their house, cackling with glee.
Pein and Konan had watched the show with detached interest.
"Well, it's just you and me, me, me, me and Zetsu," Pein said. Konan rolled her eyes.
"I was hoping more of you would have gotten stolen. I can't handle ONE of you."
"Oh, don't start this again!" Pein yelled.
"I don't want to deal with you alone! We need to get the boys back!" Konan screamed back, prodding a finger in Pein's chest.
"They'll be fine! And why do you want the others back?! You got a thing with Itachi, don't you?"
"NO, I just like their company! I especially miss Tobi!"
Haku, the girl who bought the Chouji and Shika furbies, suddenly appeared out of nowhere, slunk easily by Konan and Pein who were still arguing in the doorway, and came back out the back door with Long Hair Pein over her shoulders. She took off into the dark. Pein sighed.
"The Pein Chain is down by two. Fine, I'll hire some help…"
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Pein used some of Kakuzu's hard earned money to pay a fangirl serial killer to get the missing Akatsuki members back. Her name is not important. But if you ever see a woman with short purple hair and red eyes…flee the area at once. If she is after you, however, and you see her, you are already dead.
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Epilogue
The Akatsuki, once returned to their rightful home, had to use all the money Kakuzu earned to get new things. In the end, the garage sale didn't really work out. Pein banned Kakuzu from organizing any sort of sale without his permission. Whether Kakuzu actually obeyed was another story…
END!
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I would like to thank everyone for waiting! This story is over, but do not worry, there are many more stories to tell. If anyone was left out, I sincerely apologize. I tried to include everyone, but I tend to forget things, or overlook others.
The Gumby mailbox didn't end up getting revenge, he was sacrificed by Kikyo Uchiha (Brooke) instead!
