Universe: Either/or

Characters: Anderson, various Iscariot members


"Now, can anyone answer this very important question for me?" Alexander Anderson paced in front of his disciples, who all stood at rapt attention. "What is the most essential skill for a paladin to master?"

For a moment, nobody spoke. A few throats were cleared and a few feet were shifted before they came to the collective realization that he wasn't going to let them off the hook that easily, and Yumie tentatively raised her hand.

"To serve the Lord with fear and rejoice with trembling?"

"I was asking about skills, Yumie, not the necessary devotion." His eyes swept down the line, until his gaze landed on another unwitting victim. "What about you, Heinkel? Can you name the paladin's most essential ally?"

Heinkel stiffened briefly at being put on the spot, but nevertheless made a valiant effort to answer. "Um… mastery of a weapon?"

"Wrong again!" Anderson leaned in close, until he was right in Heinkel's face. "What if your weapon is taken away from you, hm? Or for that matter, what if it breaks? Our job is to kill monsters and heathens, and ye can't fight monsters with yer teeth!"

Just as abruptly as he'd started his impassioned speech, he backed off, retreated to the front of the room, and stood at attention, looking over his pupils with his hands behind his back. "Well?" he prodded once more, after the silence had dragged on a bit. "Any other takers?" Nobody spoke.

"Well then." Anderson reached his hands further behind his back. "The most important skill for a paladin to master—" his fingers twitched "—is the use—" he flung his arms outward, and hundreds of bayonets flew away from him to embed themselves in the walls, "—of HAMMERSPACE!"

"Um… what." It seemed that Heinkel spoke for everyone, as most of the other people in the room were now staring at their teacher with expressions ranging from confusion to outright disbelief.

"Hammerspace, man, hammerspace!" Anderson waved his arms. "Do ye think that I keep these—" another barrage of bayonets flew from his outflung hands; some of the paladins ducked "—under my coat? Hah!"

Slowly, the students who'd flung themselves on the floor climbed back to their feet, none of them wanting to take bets on when Anderson was going to decide it was time to throw more sharp objects in random directions. They looked at each other. What their teacher was claiming sounded like madness, but… on the other hand, it did make sense. After all, where else could he be keeping those things?


A/N: Seriously, where does he keep those things?

I was puzzling over how I could be writing a collection of crack and only now does Anderson make his first appearance, but... I guess that Anderson is such a ham in canon that there's not a whole lot I can do with him that isn't completely redundant.