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Chapter 7: I Don't Want to Be

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn

I'm surrounded by identity crisis everywhere I turn

Am I the only one who noticed?

I can't be the only one who's learned!

-Gavin Degraw

BPOV

I go to my door and unlock it. As I go down the stairs, I pull Emmett's hooded sweatshirt over my head. I open the front door and sit on the step. I light a cigarette and bounce my legs trying to keep warm.

I hug my knees to my chest and inhale the smoke as I wait for Emmett to get to me. I finally feel like I earned the title spaz after tonight. He parks his jeep across the street, and walks swiftly over to me.

I put my cigarette out on the concrete next to me, and place the butt in a tin can I keep on the step for my butts. I stand up to meet him.

He reaches for me and pulls me off the step. My feet hang as he holds me tight. "Don't ever leave me like that again," he breathes into my neck. "I'm so sorry, Bella." he already told me how sorry he was on the phone.

"I'm sorry too, Em," I tell him. I let him hold me another minute, "Can't breath," I choke out. It's not the end of the world, but we need to be more careful. We can't just pay Plan B every week. Emmett knows this. We promised we would always be careful. I think I may even go on the pill.

He laughs and puts me down. I go up the stairs my hand in his as he trails behind me.

We climb in my bed, he wraps me in his arms and all is right in the world.

Two nights later, he asks me to meet him at the bar. I'm sad, but I can't go. I really need to study for finals coming up. I bury myself in books at the library, it's no use. All I can is think of him.

He is leaving soon, I don't want to miss anything. I am missing him, sitting in this stupid hard chair at the library. It's useless to study. I am not retaining a thing because my mind is at the bar. It's picturing Emmett. His smile. Those dimples.

I slam the book shut in front of me and pack my stuff. I don't bother to go home and get dolled up. I just go right to the bar.

I walk in and scan the room for him. I hear his laugh. I see him at a table against the wall. Rose is there with Edward. Her hand is on Emmett's bicep. It seems like an innocent gesture, but that's not how it seems really. It shouldn't bother me. It's a friendly thing to do to a friend. I see flirty eyes and big boobs. I don't like it.

I take a deep breath, and try to remain calm. I'm looking into it way too much. I walk over. I smile when Emmett sees me. "There is my studious girl," he says with a wide smile. He pulls me into his chest pushing Rose to the side and I kiss him.

"Hey," I say to just Emmett.

"So nice that you could come out, Bella," Rose tells me.

"Yeah, I figured I can study tomorrow, or I can just wing it, whatever," I chuckle. I lock eyes with Edward. He doesn't smile. He doesn't say a word. He looks at me with a look of distaste and swigs his beer.

I can't help but feel almost unwelcome when it comes to Edward. I thought we moved past this. I thought we were trying to be civil for Emmett's sake. Now, I'm back to glaring looks of contempt. I don't get him.

The waitress comes up and I order a beer. I stay glued to Emmett's side. Emmett asks Edward what's wrong. Even he can tell his change in demeanor. When I walked in, they were all laughing. Having a good time. Edward seemed like he was in a decent mood.

When Emmett goes to the bathroom, and Rose is dancing with one of her friends, I ask him what his problem is.

"Nothing, why do you assume I have a problem?" he asks.

"Y-you, you...I don't know...you just seem like, I mean did I do something to piss you off? Two days ago you helped me. You...like...were nice to me, and tonight, I just, I just get the feeling that I'm like a thorn in your side," I tell him.

"Bella, you don't matter enough to me to be a thorn in my side," he tells me swigging his beer.

"Right, well...I don't...I guess I just thought we were friends or whatever," I tell him.

"I guess you thought, wrong," he says, peeling the paper label off his green bottle.

"I guess I did," I shrug.

I feel Emmett's hand slap my ass, I yelp. Edward rolls his eyes. Then Emmett's mouth is on mine, I can taste the beer mixed with the faintest hint of wintergreen. His hand is still on my ass, kneading. His lips move down my chin, over my jaw, under my ear. Opened mouth kisses. Wonderful. They feel wonderful.

Edward slams down his beer on the table. We both look at him. He looks annoyed. I was just getting use to him being decent. Back to square one. "Get a room," he huffs. " I don't want to watch that shit!" he tells us.

"PMS today, Edward?" Emmett laughs at him. "Not getting laid enough? Rose is more than willing," he says pointing to Rose who is now dancing in between a girl and guy.

"Rose and I are just friends," Edward points out to Emmett.

"Ah, you had a taste of that Audrina chick, you have come to appreciate more than a fast fuck," Emmett smirks.

"Nothing to do with Audrina," Edward tells him.

"Whatever you say, you can't deny your feelings forever, Edward. They surface no matter what, no matter how hard you try to squash them." Emmett explains.

"Really? Cause you tried so hard to squash them for Bella," Edward laughs. "That girl had you at hello." Edward points out, using air quotes when he quoted Jerry Maguire. I laugh. It's true. Emmett didn't exactly play hard to get. Everything just worked. It was so easy to love him.

"I had you at hello?" I ask Emmett with a scrunch of my nose.

"You had me hello," he admits, flashing me his dimples.

"So, yeah Em, I don't think you know the first thing about holding back feelings," Edward tells him. There is an edge to his voice. Almost like Edward has been struggling with holding back on his feelings. Maybe because he was scared. Or maybe because the feelings he felt were for someone he couldn't have, someone in a different country.

"Long distance isn't so bad, you can do it with 'Rina if you really like her," I point out.

"Bella, you don't know what you are talking about," Edward tells me, slowly and full of contempt.

"I don't? I mean, I'm getting ready to do it. At-at least I'm go-gonna try. Can you say that? No. So you sulk and you act like an ass and take out your inability to take a chance on someone, on me and Emmett," I tell him.

"Stop assuming shit about my feelings or my actions. There isn't shit behind the way I treat you other than me just being me. Not starting a long distance relationship, has nothing to do with being afraid to do it. Not that I owe you this, but I just don't know her well enough to make promises I'm not sure I can keep. I don't make promises to people, and on the rare occasion when I do, I keep them. I don't pretend to be anything I'm not, I don't act civil to people just because it's the nice thing to do. What you see, is what you get. Do us all a favor and keep your fragmented and stuttering thoughts about me to yourself," Edward spat at me.

I shake my head. "My pleasure." I must have really struck a nerve, or he is really that distant and cold. Or maybe I am completely wrong about him. Maybe this is exactly who Edward is. If he is in the mood to be nice he will be. Maybe it depends on the direction of the wind. I don't know what makes him likable one day, and detestable the next.

The night drags on, and Edward gets wasted. So wasted, Emmett has to pretty much carry him from the bar.

He slurs his speech. He argues about leaving his car. He stumbles. He is a mess. We bring him to the houseboat, and Emmett doesn't want to leave him alone.

"What if he does something stupid, like jumps in the lake?" he asks me.

"I don't know, I guess he does the human race a favor," I am only joking. Emmett gives me a stern look. He is still his brother. His best friend. "I kid, I kid, calm down." I surrender.

"I know he is hard to deal with, but you don't know everything that happened to make him like this," Emmett tells me.

"Yeah, Edward made that pretty clear tonight, that I have no idea who he is or why he is that way. I'm just told to accept it and move on. Well, that be fine, if he didn't like offend me every other day. Maybe if I knew why I got treated like shit by him, I might be more inclined to just accept it, like you do. But I don't."

Emmett just looks at me with his sad puppy dog eyes, and one dimpled smile. I give up.

Emmett asks me to watch him while he goes to find something for me to sleep in. He says I should make sure if he starts puking he isn't on his back. Wouldn't want Edward to choke on the shit he spews.

I grab a bottle of water from the fridge and bring it to Edward on the couch. "Here," I offer him the water.

He takes it, and pats the seat next to him telling me to sit. I do. "You, Bella Swan...you are the biggest pain in my ass," he tells me.

"Feelings mutual," I tell him, with a sigh letting my head fall back against the couch.

"Wanna do another body shot?" he asks me. His fingers land on my knee, and he walks them up a little. I pick up his hand and remove it. He is so drunk, he doesn't even know what he is doing.

"No, no more body shots off of me, and no more shots for you tonight," I tell him.

It's silent for a minute. Then he speaks. "My girlfriend in high school, Makenna. She killed herself."

He says this to me as he stares straight ahead. I remain silent. I watch his Adams apple bob as he swallows back the words.

"We were together for most of high school...I was meeting her at a party. I don't know the truth about what happened that night. But she fucked someone else. She says she was drunk, and he took advantage of her. I didn't give a shit, ya know? She fucked someone else, I ended things. We were like the fucking, Benifer of high school. Everyone started saying shit, like she was a slut...just making her life harder than it needed to be. I mean one mistake and she was this super slut. I didn't, you know, spread any rumors, I wasn't mean to her...I just...I just didn't give a fuck. She told me she was going to kill herself...and she did. It's not like I did anything...but that's just the thing... I didn't do anything. I should have done something with that information." Edward finished, his eyes never left the wall in front of him. They never ventured over to meet mine.

I didn't know what to say. I'm sorry? It's not your fault? I mean was that good enough? He didn't tell me to hear me say comforting things to him. He told me so I knew his story.

"Benifer as in like Ben and Jlo or Ben and Garner?" I asked to lighten the mood.

Edward smiled at me shaking his head. "It's not funny," he tells me.

"I know. I don't have words to offer you for that. It's...it is what it is. And if you want my honest opinion I'll give it to you, but you told me to keep my fragmented thoughts and stuttering words to myself," I remind him.

Because it's fucked up that it happened. I also think he let's it define him. Control him. He uses it as an excuse to hide behind some wall he built. I could tell him all this, but he doesn't want to hear it. Not from me, and I don't even think I need to say it. He knows it.

"I never liked a spaz more than I like you. You know that Swan?" he asks, leaning his head back next to mine. I can feel his warm breath on my face, smell the alcohol as the warm air fans across my face. His eyes are like the greenish blue ocean, and I am getting lost in them.

His finger reaches out, and he pushes a strand of hair behind my ear. The hairs on the back of my neck stand. A shiver runs down the length of my spine. I jerk myself forward. I bite the inside of my cheek, and tuck hair behind both my ears. Edward stays in his spot. His eyes are burning a hole through me. I am terrified to look at him again, because I don't know what the fuck is going on.

I don't know what the hell they put in my beers, but I just didn't get lost in my boyfriends brothers ocean-like eyes. He didn't just touch my face and make me feel...all...tingly.

There was a moment, a moment with Edward. It had to be the alcohol, I mean I won't deny that he is beautiful. I'd be a big fat liar if I said he wasn't attractive. Do you expect me, who is slightly buzzed, not to get a little tingly? It's natural. Human. It had to be him opening up to me. It wasn't anything more than that. No way. The wind is just blowing in the right direction all of a sudden. It was one of his better moments. Nothing more.

"Well...I...ah...um...I'm going to go to sleep," I tell him pointing towards the stairs, and running my hand through my hair.

"Whatever," he shrugs.

"Don't do anything stupid," I tell him, because there is no way I am babysitting him. I am a little peeved that Emmett got lost. He never came down to get me.

When I make it up the stairs into the second bedroom, Emmett is there. Passed out. Figures.

EPOV

I'm screwed. The hundred and ten pound spaz with jerky movements and trouble speaking...is hot. I think she's actually one of the most intriguingly beautiful girls I have ever met.

And let me tell you, Audrina is like a twelve on a ten point scale. I don't know what it is about Bella that just...makes me fucking hard. Ever since that night I saw her big round eyes in my fucking fantasy, I get wood.

Maybe it's her legs that go to her neck. Even though she is a full head shorter than me. Maybe it's the way her eyes hold this mystery, innocence, and fascination. Maybe the way her teeth grasp her bottom lip...or possibly the way she looks in her bikini. Or the way her ivory skin looks shinning in the sun bathed in oil while she looks into the ocean. Maybe the passion she holds for the things she loves. I think I even like her all flustered and stuttering. I like the way she fucking blushes, but most of all when she gets mad.

See how screwed I am?

It's not like I am in love with the girl, but I can't control what makes my dick hard. Ever since I saw her face when I jerked off, I wanted nothing more than to avoid her. Normally, I'd fuck her and be done with it.

If I couldn't fuck her, I'd eighty six her from my life.

This is where I am screwed. I can't fuck her. I can't eighty six her. Not when my brother tells me how much she means to him. How he is in love. So, I see her, my dick betrays me, and I'm left with blue balls.

I don't know why I told her about Makenna. I don't know why I smiled when she cracked a joke about it. That shit isn't funny.

All I do know, is I can't drink around her. When I drink my dick takes over my thinking and I do stupid shit, like tell her I like her, and find reasons to touch her.

One more month, Emmett will be gone. I won't have to see her nearly as much. I can get over this ridiculous attraction my dick has to her. The one girl he can't fucking have, it figures.

I am almost so desperate that I could call Rose for a fuck. Almost.

Later that week, my dad tells me he wants to have a father son day before Emmett leaves. This means Golfing. I don't give a shit. It's fun once you add beer and golf carts. None of us take the game very seriously. Every time we go, we end up laughing our asses off. Most of the time because Emmett can't make contact with the ball, using all his strength to swing then miss. Then he throws the club.

Or I slice the shit out of the drive. I'd rather play Tiger Woods on the PS3.

I walk into my house to Elise throwing a fit. She is six, do you think this doesn't happen often? It does.

I sigh, and place my crap down by the closet door.

"NO!" I hear her screech. "I'm not wearing them! You can't make me!"

I walk into the kitchen were my mom looks spent.

"Don't you dare yell at me like that! You will wear them." Mom tells her sternly.

"What's going on?" I ask looking between my sister and mom. Elise eyes are red and puffy. She sniffles and crosses her arms.

"Your sister's teacher sent home a note last week that she has been squinting to see the blackboard. We took her to the eye doctor and she has been prescribed glasses. She refuses to wear," Mom tells me, with her hands on her hips.

"They are ugly! The kids are going to call me four eyes! I don't need them!" Elise yells again pushing the glasses across the kitchen island.

"Hey, it's not that big of a deal. Emmett wears glasses to read. And I think I even saw Bella sporting a pair last week," I try to make her feel better. Bella needs glasses all the time, but wears contacts. How do I know this? I spent a week with her in Mexico. I'm not all up in her shit, I swear.

"I don't care!" she huffs. "I'm not wearing them!"

"Why? You think kids will make fun of you?" I ask her.

She nods.

"Then tell them your big brother will kick their a-" My mom clears her throat. "butts," I correct. My mom still glares at me. Obviously threats aren't the way to handle bullies. "You know...these glasses don't define you, Elise. They don't change you. You are not all of a sudden a geek. You are still my awesome beautiful sister, who would rock out your new look, and if someone tries to make you feel bad about them, you should show them how they haven't changed you. How they only make it easier to see what idiots they really are," I tell her tapping my finger to her nose.

She giggles. She nods in agreement. I feel my heart surge. If it wasn't for this girl, when I was seventeen, I don't know what would have happened to me.

She was the only one to make me smile, make me laugh, bring me joy. She was so innocent and easy to love. If it weren't for her, I might think I lost the ability to love. Because of her, I know I haven't.

I push the glasses back in her direction . She picks them up and places them in her face.

I chuckle. I'm proud. "What I tell you?" I ask her. "You rock them." I ruffle her hair and head towards the fridge, grabbing a bottle of water.

My mom rubs my arm and thanks me softly. She asks me to bring Elise to her girl scout meeting at six tonight.

I agree easily. I'd do anything for her. I'm pretty sure I owe her my happiness.

The meeting is at Julia's house. Her mom, Mrs. P., is the girl scout leader or whatever.

I walk Elise to the door, and Mrs. P., invites me in. I shove my hands in the front pocket of my jeans. I don't want to go in. It kinda scares me. She see's my hesitation, places her arm on my shoulder and pulls me inside shutting the door.

"We have snacks," she smiles at me. She is older like Esme. Very motherly. I smile and thank her, taking a slice of cheese and a few grapes off her platter.

I see Elise push her new glasses up her nose. She is acting shy and unsure. I'm afraid she is letting them define her.

The door bell rings again. A young mother is ushering her daughter inside. Mrs. P. Introduces us.

"Lauren, this is Elise's brother, Edward. Edward, Lauren is Lily's mother."

"Nice to meet you," I say shaking her hand with a friendly smile.

I'm about to leave when I hear Elise calling Lily stupid. I walk over to see what is going on Lauren is behind me. Lily is already calling the tattle tell police pointing at my sister.

"What's going on?" I ask kneeling down in front of my sister. She crosses her arms and tells me Lily called her a geek with glasses.

"Lily, did you say that? That isn't nice," Lauren confronts her daughter.

"My brother told me they'd just help me see idiots better!" Elise yells across me to Lily.

I give her the simmer down look. "I didn't say to call them that," I whisper to her. "I think you both need to say sorry," I tell them.

They both do with a little bit if attitude and I can hardly believe that PMS starts so soon.

Lauren apologizes about her daughter. I shrug it off, kids are kids.

"Edward, did you want to discuss the sports badge while you are here?" Mrs. P. asks.

I'm lost. "The what?" I ask, scratching the back of my neck.

"Oh, Elise said she was going to ask you. I guess she hasn't had a chance to yet."

I shake my head and Mrs. P continues to tell me how the girls have a badge to earn to do with sports. Elise said her brother played sports and could help, but Emmett is leaving in a few weeks. He can't.

I guess she considered skateboarding a sport, and all the girls were excited to learn about it. I guess it makes sense. It's different, they think something more traditional like baseball is boring. Some avid skateboarders would say it isn't a sport. It's a lifestyle. I used to be like that. I used to compete and shit. Do half pipes and flips. My goal at one point was to be a professional skateboarder. Things change. Life happens and has different plans. Doctor it is.

"I haven't gotten on a board in over a year," I tell Mrs. P. I really don't want to do this.

"All you have to do is spend a few hours going over very basic things, one day this summer." she explains.

"Please Edward!" Elise whines across the room, and the seven other girls follow suit with their pleases.

I can't say no. Go ahead, write sucker across my forehead.

"Fine!" I laugh holding my arms up in surrender. I manage to make it out alive, with minimal flirting from Lauren.

She is a cute girl. I don't do moms though. I don't care that she is twenty two. The same age as me. She is a mom.

When I get back to the house, I rummage through the garage. I pull out my old board, ironically it's a Plan B board. I chuckle to myself.

I drop the board to the ground and kick flip it before I let my leg effortlessly pump behind me. It's like riding a bike or swimming. You never forget. It's as if I never stopped.

I do a few small jumps with the board before I get cocky and try to grind the sidewalk. The board slips and I stumble. I catch myself though, and start skating again. I let the board carry me as I swerve down the street, remembering how much I loved to do this.

I just ride pumping with my leg when I need to, but otherwise just letting the board carry me through my neighborhood. I whirl past houses of people I don't know, enjoying the warm air, with the cool breeze of spring. The mountain and forest air, mixed with the dew of the lake relaxes me.

I turn myself around, and start heading back to the house. When I get there Bella is outside smoking. Wearing casual clothes, nothing special. I notice she has on her rimless glasses, and for some reason I think that is special. Fuck, yes and hot. I jump off the board and kick it up into my hands.

"You skateboard?" she asks me.

"Used to," I tell her, taking out a smoke of my own.

"Looks like you still do," she nods toward the board, flicking some ash off the end of her cigarette.

"Elise wants me to show her and her friends a few things," I shrug.

"That's nice."

"What's up with the glasses today?"

"Oh, Emmett mentioned Elise got some and that she wasn't happy about it. I figured I could show some support or something. Maybe make her feel better."

"That's nice," I mimic her previous words, because honestly, it makes me want to hug her. I can't let her see that I give a shit. I shrug again, inhaling the smoke.

Bella puts out her smoke, and holds her hand out "Mind if I try?" she asks me.

"You can barely walk, what makes you think I'd let you on a skateboard? You'd break something." I cringe at the concern I have for her. "I don't feel like listening to Emmett if you get injured," I recover.

"Since when do you give a shit about my safety?"

"I don't," I tell her. I hand the board over. "Break a leg," I smirk.

"You wish," she says.

She drops the board, and hopes on. Effortlessly. I shake my head in disbelief as I watch this girl that can barely walk, do kick flips, heel flips, pop shove-its, and shit. She doesn't fucking falter once.

I'm impressed. She skates back towards me with a smug smile of her face, she does the same thing I did earlier and kicks the board into her hands before handing it back to me.

"Thanks, just like old times," she says. "Well, minus the weed." she bobs her shoulders.

"Who are you?" I ask her. I can feel my eyes squint as I take everything I learn about her.

"Bella Swan," she tells me with a shove to my shoulder.

"Got anything better?" I ask her.

"Nah, I can only do the basic ground tricks. It was the only thing to really do in my small town. My old boyfriend Jake, used to like to make his own ramps and shit, but we had to drive into the city for any skate parks. When I left for college, I left that all behind."

"You left skateboarding behind in Arizona when you moved to Seattle? The grunge capital of the world? With all these kick ass skate parks...are you mental?" I ask her, tapping my finger in the middle of her forehead.

"I just thought it was time to grow up," she explains. "What about you? Any cool tricks?"

"Are you kidding? I'm Edward Cullen, of course I got tons of surprises in my bag of tricks," I smirk at her.

"Is that so?" she smiles back.

I nod.

"You are so full of yourself," she tells me, sliding out another smoke from her soft pack.

I'm half tempted to get on the board and show off, but I don't.

"Hey!" I hear Emmett boom from behind us. He wraps his arm around Bella's waist from behind her and she turns her head slightly to kiss his lips, He buries his head in her hair. I have to look away. "This smoke is taking a while," Emmett complains in her ear.

"Yeah, your brother and I got talking about Skateboarding," she explains. "Do you skateboard?"

"Me?" Emmett says stepping to her side. "No, that's Edward's thing," he laughs. Emmett could never do much on a board. "Edward here, can do like flips in the air and shit. He could have easily avoided the college route and been a pro."

Bella slaps Emmett in the chest.

"Owww!" Emmett cringes holding the spot on his chest Bella smacked. "What was that for?"

"You are inflating your brothers already too big head, knock it off!" she laughs.

"I don't need Emmett to make my head bigger," I wink at her.

"You are such a pig," Bella says rolling her eyes.

"I'd like to say I'm more of an asshole," I act like I am joking. In all honesty, that is exactly what I am.

Did I say I was completely screwed?

Rec's – Gonna keep you guys up to par on reading! LOL! There Will be Blood by JohnnyBoy7 I have had in in my To be read list forever – just now getting to it. The author is awesome. Twilight ff from men is awesome. Plus he calls bella's pussy – Tantilizing poon, really go read. I have been the last 2 days!

Did I rec Men Without Eyes? This author owns me. I love all of her stories, even her new one that each chapter is like no more than 900 words its so cool and different, it's called What are The Chances.

Those are my recs, and once I finish with There Will be Blood, I'm gonna need something to read. So give it to me in reviews, and if you want a teaser, let me know in your review.

Until next week!