A week after the incident is the first time Maura leaves the house. We take a trip to the ridiculously expensive farmers market that she goes to so often she might as well have shares in. It's not a long trip by any means but I can't help feeling nervous, what if she had a panic attack? What if something scared her? Or… what if I ended up being too overbearing to her?
My thoughts are halted by her hand taking my own; she glances at me taking a shaky breath before leading us both through the doors of the market. Once inside, however she immediately stops before looking at me with fearful hazel eyes.
"There are so many people." We had been living in a bubble of sorts since the incident; the only men that Maura had been in contact with since the incident were Frankie, Tommy and Frost. She had spoken to Korsak on the phone but seemed hesitant in having a face to face conversation much to his concern. In response she'd suggested it was due to the beard that her assailant had sported. To Korsak's credit he had agreed to only see her once she felt comfortable and assured her that no it was not "rude" to be wary of me now, it was merely "a natural response to an aggressive incident." So when our eyes made contact and she whispered those words across the tiny bubble that was our collective space I knew she had started to panic. Once Maura starts to panic, something that doesn't often happen, it can turn into a full on shut down if she doesn't feel in control shortly, this would manifest itself into fact spouting easily, however if she doesn't calm down then it can turn into her just staring blankly into space whilst her mind bounces from one thought to another. In the past week I'd witnessed the entire spectrum of behaviours Maura exhibits once panicked and had worked out that leaving her to process things usually worked best unless she wanted physical comfort, in which case she'd reach out for it.
In this case she buried herself into my chest breathing rapidly. "There's so many people here Jane."
"Yeah, but I'm here too and I'll make sure nothing happens to you." She's nuzzling into my chest continuing to breathe heavily. "Breathe with my Maur', it'll help calm you down."
"Mmmhmmm? I told you that didn't I?"
"You sure did." I kiss the top of her head holding her tight. "We can just get essentials, do an in-and-out trip. At most we'll be fifteen minutes?" She continues to breathe with me but doesn't say anything. "Or we could just go home?" Finally she looks up at me with watery eyes.
"I want to get some fudge clusters, could we try to be quick?" I nod at her and watch as she steals herself taking my hand again before smiling at me. "Okay then, let's go".
The rest of the trip occurs without incident before we get into her Prius, she hands me her keys before collapsing into the passenger seat. "That was terrifying Jane, how am I going to feel about going back into work or seeing criminals?"
"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it, okay?" She nods but I see the trepidation underneath her calm eyes.
"One step at a time, it's the first time we've been in a crowd since its nerve wracking." She looks at me wide eyed. "Maur' you don't have to answer me right away but do you think… maybe… it might help if you spoke to
"It's not that I think you're a hardship Maura, I just think that you might need more support in the long run than I can give you and I love you too much to see you hurting without the help you might need." She looks at me with watery eyes before nodding slightly, she then swiftly takes my right hand in hers caressing her thumb over the scar tissue on the back of my hand. It's whispered but I hear the "I love you" that leaves those gorgeous lips and travels in my direction.
"You too." I whisper back with a wink.
The rest of the day goes pretty easily, we eat healthily as Maura insists. I chew my kale obediently as the bland food is both "healthy" and "interesting" in Maura's opinion. I notice that her OCD has made a drastic reappearance, her usually spotless kitchen is practically gleaming as she wipes away minute outbreaks of germs that only she would be concerned about. It had flared up almost immediately after we returned from the hospital and to her credit she had been gradually getting better with the ritualistic cleaning, however it seemed that the trip had made her anxious and an anxious Maura cleans, watches documentaries or Google talks until she feels calm again. I let her clean for a while before I come up behind her to enclose her in a hug, gently removing the dish cloth she was using to wipe down the surfaces from her hands.
"How are you feeling Maur'?"
"You know how I feel; you can read me better than I can read myself."
"Please tell me, what's making you so anxious?" She looks down and starts to sniff, holding back the tears. "I'm scared you'll want to leave me, I mean who wants to be with somebody who at best has a hard time connecting to people and at worse finds it damn near impossible to talk to people. I've always been more comfortable alone Jane, you know that. What if that doesn't translate into being a loving enough partner for you? I'm scared that I'm not good enough for you and that this is just another blow." By now she's shaking, tears dripping from her chin. I turn her around in my arms, desperately trying to get her to look me in the eye. She's valiantly fighting it but eventually I lift her chin and sea green eyes lock onto mine. The pain I see in them is heart breaking and I once again wish I could take it all away from her.
"Maura, you are nothing short of miraculous to me. You are the strongest person I know, you've been through so much in the past few months and yet you're still here, right by my side. You could easily have given up but you haven't and I really don't think you will after this. You're the kindest person I know, you have the biggest heart out of anyone and you always make time for people. Whether it is Suzie following you around like a lost puppy…"
"She doesn't follow me Jane…"
"She does, and we all know it I mean God, Korsak asked me once whether Suzie had the hots for you, if it wasn't for the mysterious "boyfriend" that we are yet to see or notice any evidence of I would have to agree with him." She guffaws murmuring something about Suzie simply admiring her. "Okay, so whether it be Suzie and her huge lesbian crush on you or Korsak needing advice on his pets, or even Mah asking about fashion. Maura you make time for people. You the nicest of us all and you should be proud of that, it certainly doesn't make you somebody who has a hard time connecting with people it makes you a good Friend and an even better girlfriend. You're my girlfriend and I love you and I refuse to let anyone talk about my girlfriend like that so could you be kinder please?" She's smiling and then starts laughing before finally she goes on her tip toes to place a chaste kiss on my lips and then snuggles into the crook of my neck.
"Thank you Jane."
"My pleasure… now what documentary are we watching whilst you stuff your face with those fudge clusters without so much as offering me one?" She looks mortified that I would know of her intentions of eating the chocolaty treats.
"There's a documentary on Blue whales on Animal planet in half an hour and well… they're yummy."
"Mmmhmmm, just like you." I wink at her as she blushes wondering how someone so wonderful as Maura could have such a low opinion of themselves, I decide to try to do something about it as we snuggle up on the sofa for a night of Maura related activities. Educational would be the description best used.
