Believe in Me

Disclaimer: So, here's to creative license. And to Tolkien! Cheers. (glug)

A/N: Warning: occasional strong language (I think) and some innuendos of a sexual nature. Also, I don't intend to offend anyone or their views, preferences, etc., and that blob of suspicious vagueness is all I'll say on that matter 'til the end of this chapter. Also, there may be a bit of OOC-ness, so let me know what you think of that...
Thanks to: rain ravinlin, keanaxstyles, thesecondhalf, Alya Kihaku, AnimeOtakuBara, Lizzie Hopscotch, PyroKitsune, KiliFiliGwaineHusbands, pineapplegoddess, xAmyKilix (oooh why thank you! :D), Hiding in the Shadow (urgh, wasn't it? -sniffles- oh my feels. thanks!), HanVanHelsing (Thanks for the guest review! :D You flatter me. Mm, Thorin gets growlier, I must warn you... Although it's for a reason, and that's explained. Maybe that helps? Ooh and thank you, I am such a sucker for character/relationship development so I'm glad you think I'm doing it right. :), kaia (Oh I know that they weren't actually there; I was just referencing how they probably grew up hearing stories and getting a sense of what the history of their people is like. They're the heirs, after all :) Sorry if I confused you!), and everyone else that's been reading!
I really have no idea what to even say about this chapter. Hopefully you get through it, and hopefully I don't completely demolish how you look at these characters. Figuratively. All right, I'm going to be quiet now. Just...just read, please. You'll see. Enjoy...?


Chapter Six

In Which General Madness Ensues

The next day they passed Bree, and still Eisa remained. It was a bit of an oliphant in the hypothetical room at the moment, but no one chose to comment.

No one commented, but Thorin certainly demonstrated.

First, he tried to distract her by pointing out and incorrectly naming various wildlife, then hiding his imposing bulk behind trees in a presumed attempt to escape her notice while she wasn't looking.

Then he began to alternate between completely ignoring her existence and questioning her with increasingly alarming intensity. One minute his eyes would literally skate over her, and he would loudly ask of no one in particular if they heard anything as soon as she began to speak to anyone. The next minute he would suddenly take an extreme interest in her past, and at one point became disturbingly intent on her recounting every detail of one of her escapades in a town in Gondor. From that particular series of inquiries, Eisa concluded that the wayward king was a closet drunk with far too little time on his hands in which to have fun.

When she wasn't trying to stave off what must have been Thorin going into withdrawal or something, she was being incessantly elbowed by a snickering Bofur. He stalked her and Fíli and Kíli for the better part of the day and managed to turn almost every single thing they said into something suggestive. There was a particularly crude sequence involving sticks and how to start a fire that had most of them blushing and the rest cackling about friction.

But things started to get really strange when they made camp early, in the late afternoon. Eisa was floundering, not knowing what to do since it wasn't time to begin supper yet, when Kíli approached her unexpectedly and nervously asked to speak with her alone.

"Of course," she agreed automatically, surprised, and Kíli nodded towards the woods. He had a very odd expression on his face that was some combination of apprehension and nervousness. And for some reason, there appeared to be a hint of…fear?

They stopped abruptly, not far from camp, and Kíli got straight to the point. His shoulders were tight and he wouldn't turn to look at her. "You…you're normal height, like us, but you don't have a beard. You're kind and polite but embarrassed by attention, and you're far too insightful. You aren't trusted by my uncle, although we don't have any reason to mistrust you. Your past is shady and you won't speak about it even when asked, and you haven't mentioned any family." He paused. "Remind me. How old are you?"

Eisa hesitated, wondering where he was going with this. "…Fifty-two."

"How long have you been fifty-two?" he ground out.

"…About seven months," she calculated.

His breathing quickened. "I know what you are."

She froze dead. There was no way. "Say it." At this point, she would take any possibility, anything she could get. "Out loud." He was silent, and she couldn't handle it anymore. "Say it," she insisted.

"…A Mary Sue," he said quietly, horrified.

Eisa shrank from the term, but, unable to come up with a melodramatic retort, simply turned and stalked away.

"That he would accuse me of such a thing," she muttered darkly to herself as she returned to camp. Immediately everyone turned to stare at her, and she was reminded of all the times she and others had been unfairly judged. It was simply too much, so she uncharacteristically just burst into tears.

Well, that caused something of a panic. Apparently Bofur was the only one who had the faintest idea what to do with a bawling female, and he came over to pat her shoulder gently. "Now lass, what's the matter?"

"I…" She sniffled. "Kíli accused me of something horrible, and I'm sick of it."

"It can't have been all that bad," Fíli tried to comfort her, joining Bofur and floundering about a bit helplessly.

"Of course it is!" she wailed. Naturally she was pretty even while crying, and she scrubbed at the perfectly formed teardrops falling from the corners of her eyes. "He called me a Mary Sue!"

Just then, Kíli himself emerged from the undergrowth. "Well, think about it! What if she is?"

"Okay, okay, I confess, all right?" Eisa spat, bitter under the undesirable circumstances. "But I was only disguised as a Mary Sue! I thought…" She hesitated and sniffed, although of course her nose wasn't running like the dickens as it should have been. "I thought it would make you like me better. Especially Thorin." Looking around, she spotted the ex-king and watched him with adoring hopefulness. "I wanted to be useful, and helpful, and an asset, not a disappointment to the greatest king in Middle Earth."

Thorin stared back impassively, and they had a good old traditional Burning Eye Contact Moment.

"Oh, for the love of—I'm the one that's deprived of female companionship here, not him!" spluttered Kíli, waving his arms frantically and trying to get someone to notice him.

"But, Brother—" stammered Fíli— "You told me last night that no woman would ever come between us!"

"WHAT?" Ori gasped, looking scandalized but intrigued at the same time.

"NOOOO!" Bilbo shrieked from some forgotten corner. "The Bagginshield shippers were bad enough! Don't you dare bring Dúrincest into this, too!" He rolled away into the night with his hands clapped over his ears.

"That's not what he meant, you dung-heads!" Kíli screeched.

"EISA!" Thorin bellowed, attempting to make himself heard over the ruckus despite the (majestic) flaming of his cheeks. Instantly, everyone stilled, and Gandalf looked a tad disappointed as he slowly stashed a small firework back into his sleeve. "I have a confession of my own to make. It concerns…what you are."

She was silent, as was the rest of the Company, and he continued. "You do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me, and I will complete your training."

"Er…Uncle, what are you on about?" muttered Fíli.

But Thorin was on a majestic roll. "If you only knew the power of the dark side—I mean, the power of Erebor—" He righted himself and lowered his brows, staring the young woman down intently. "No one ever told you what happened to your father."

"I can guess well enough," Eisa retorted, the seeds of dread for some reason taking hold in her stomach. "People always told me he must be dead. It is only logical."

Thorin shook his head determinedly. "No," he said bluntly. "I…am your father."

Fíli and Kíli gasped. Ori, Dori, and Nori gasped. Bombur and Bofur gasped, and Bifur stared even harder than usual before beginning to sign agitatedly. Balin and Dwalin gasped. Óin and Glóin gasped. Bilbo had mysteriously returned, and gasped. Gandalf giggled knowingly to himself through a dense cloud of pipe-weed.

"No," Eisa gasped. "No…that's not true. That's impossible!" she hollered in denial.

"Search your feelings; you know it to be true," Thorin assured her gravely.

She turned the notion over in her mind, and after her internal montage of memories was over, complete with dramatic soundtrack, she burst out, "What the Mordor?! That's it? You're my Nazgûl-damned father?"

"You're my illegitimate cousin?!" Kíli bellowed, invading on the moment. "And I was—oh no—Smaug's flaming arse, I was just starting to develop feelings for you!"

"Brother, stop trying to construct curses by abusing the use of allusions. It does not make you sound as majestic as our Uncle. You too, er, Cousin Eisa. And Uncle, do you have any idea what this will do to the plot?" Fíli despaired, grimacing and patting his brother on the shoulder comfortingly.

"I, er, never knew you fathered a child, Thorin," muttered Balin, looking highly uncomfortable as the king's closest advisor.

"I had my reasons for keeping silent," said the tall dwarf, crossing his arms stubbornly.

"But you have a child—and a daughter, at that!" Dwalin stressed, pointing out the importance of the thing.

"Wait. Wait just a Sauron-slapping minute." Kíli held up a hand imperiously, trying to channel his uncle's majesty. "If she's the king's daughter…"

"Hello! She is right here!" Eisa snarled, just as peeved as he was.

"Well, slap me thrice and hand me to Ilúvatar," Fíli declared. "She has a better claim to the throne than we do."

There was more silence, and another wave of gasps made the rounds.

Eisa broke the quiet again with a whoop. "That's right! Heir and Possibly Future Queen Under the Mountain! BOW TO ME, PEASANTS!" She cackled quite madly and ran loops around the camp, hugging Thorin tightly several times on her cycles before realizing that a family heart-to-heart was probably required here. The family of heirs of Erebor promptly commenced a huddle session.

"Well," Bilbo said to Gandalf. "Now that this is all nice and confusticated." He groped desperately for some pipe-weed in his waistcoat pockets.

"My dear Bilbo," chuckled the wizard, handing him a pinch of his own grass. "Who's to say it wasn't meant to end up like this in the first place?"

Then Azog's orc-and-warg dream team of minions came crashing out of the underbrush undetected. Fíli, Kíli, and the rest of the dwarves were all eaten trying to protect Thorin, who was then eaten as well. Eisa was left barely alive and doomed to wander the world for the remains of her long life mourning her new-found family.

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APRIL FOOL!

X'D

I am so sorry; I just couldn't resist the temptation. I've been wanting to do a prank!crack!chapter for an April Fool for The Longest Time so I took out my urge on all of you lovely people.

Don't hate me too much.

I hope your brains are still intact and you're not passed out on your keyboard.

As I vaguely mentioned before, I don't want to offend anyone so that was not a pairing bashing. I just see the liberty of shippingness in this fandom as a bit of a running joke, so that's where that whole bit came from.

Wow. Twilight reference, Star Wars reference, abuse of allusions to events that haven't really become important/happened yet... I was on a roll, there.

I'm not even quite sure where this came from, actually. Excuse me while I just sort of mumble to myself and reread this...this...thing that my keyboard has spawned under my orders. To make up for this bout of trolling, I'll update again quite soon :)

Erm...review? ;D