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Nightmares

I dreamed about the fire. I stood in the church, staring across the burning, collapsing room at Johnny…he was screaming for me. All I could see was fire. It was our fault…one of us had dropped a cigarette, I was sure of it. Hadn't I wondered once what it was like in a burning ember? It seemed this was my answer. I felt rooted to the spot as I watched the church go down around me. But weren't there some kids? I looked around, but I didn't see them. Then again, the smoke was so thick it was choking me, and I could barely see anyway. The window behind me was gone…how was I going to get out? I coughed, flinching at the pain in my chest, but knowing I had more important things to worry about as I finally spotted Johnny on the ground.

I knew Dally had helped him out of the church before, but I didn't see him. I called for him, hoping he would come help me. I was shaking…I didn't want to run into the fire again. But Dally didn't come. One second, I was standing there, gasping for breath in the smoke, the next, I ran across the room, the fire hot and roaring, the sound of debris falling so loud that I couldn't hear myself think. Johnny was on his stomach, trapped under a beam, and I felt myself sob. I thought I'd saved him…hadn't I killed Bob so that we wouldn't have to do this? I grabbed the huge beam, shoving it with all my might, and grabbed Johnny's arm, not questioning how easy it was to move. "We have to get out of here!" I screamed, looking around for our friend. "Dally! Dally, help!" I begged, half dragging my friend across the room. "Please!" I'd never begged Dallas for anything, but I'd give anything right then for some help, and he was the only one around.

Johnny's eyes were closed. He couldn't walk. That beam had broken his back, and I wasn't strong enough to get him out on my own. We only made it halfway across the room before I staggered and fell, my knees hitting the ground, his weight too much for me, my chest burning. "Johnny? Johnny, wake up!" I screamed. He had to get up. He had to get himself off the ground and walking. I couldn't do this alone! "Dally! Dally, help! Please! Please help us!" I screamed until my throat was raw and tears streamed down my face, but he didn't come. "Dally, please!" He was gallant…surely he would come. He would help us. Dally wouldn't abandon us here. I looked down to find Johnny staring up at me, his eyes vacant, his skin scorched.

"Stay gold." He muttered, and his eyes closed, his body going limp.
"No!" I snapped, shaking him. "I can't! He'll come. He won't let you die." I told him sharply, then screamed again. "Dally! You have to help us! Dally!"

"I'm right here, kid." I looked around but I didn't see him...his voice was so close though. "Glory, shut up, will ya? I'm right here! No one's dying!" His words were harsh, but his tone wasn't. He almost sounded…worried? "He do this a lot? It's a wonder he don't wake the neighbors." I didn't know who he was talking to, but Johnny was no longer on the ground in front of me and I looked around for him, trying to stand but unable to.

"Dally? You gotta help us. Please. Please help." I murmured, realizing that I no longer felt as hot as I had…was someone putting the fire out?

"With what?" He demanded, somewhat patiently, but I couldn't find him.

"Pony? Wake up, kiddo." That was Soda, and I jerked awake with a gasp, my whole body going stiff as I looked around the dark room wildly. I was in bed, my torso propped up against Soda who was watching me worriedly in the dark. The covers were pooled around my feet, and I was panting as though I'd run a race, which was probably why my chest hurt. To my surprise, Dally stood by the bed Soda and I shared, dressed only in jeans and looking…tired. I'd expected him to be upset, since I apparently woke him up, but he didn't really sound it. Instead, he stood with his arms crossed over his bare chest, watching Soda brush hair back from my forehead. I couldn't read his face in the dark though. Darry was poking his head in the doorway, but he disappeared after a minute. I wasn't surprised. Soda was the one who usually hung around after my nightmares.

"Pony?" I looked over at Soda, his worry overshadowing everything else on his face. "You alright?"

"He died." My voice was a rasp as I stared at my brother with wide, horrified eyes. He stopped brushing my hair back, his hand frozen on my head. "Soda…he died, and it was my fault." He didn't wait for me to start crying to put his arms around me. "It was my fault, Soda."

"It wasn't your fault, honey. It wasn't." He assured me, rocking us back and forth. I knew he thought I was talking about Bob, but I wasn't…I didn't think. Maybe I was…that was my fault too. I paused, my exhausted mind trying to make sense of everything as I sobbed.

"Johnny?" I asked, pulling back, and my brother gave me a worried look.

"Here." Darry interrupted, moving past Dally who took a step to the side, letting him in as he leaned against the wall. I was kind of surprised that he was still in the room, but I was too tired to care much. In Darry's hand was a glass of water that Soda took, helping me take a long drink. It felt great on my sore throat, and I wondered how long I must have been screaming. Tiredly, I wiped at my eyes.

"What about Johnny?" Dally wanted to know, and I fought my rapidly closing lids to try and pay attention…I was so sleepy.

"My fault." I muttered.

"Pony, what about Johnny is your fault?" Soda demanded, sounding more upset that I'd heard him in a while. He shook me a little, but I was already almost asleep.

"He died." I muttered, dropping my head back on the pillow. I didn't want anymore nightmares, but I was too tired to resist.

"Pony, Johnny is fine. He didn't die." My brother sounded stricken.

"Dally?"

"What about him?" My oldest brother sounded beyond concerned, but I couldn't figure out why.

"Is he okay?" I could barely make my mouth form the words, and I just caught the first few words of Soda's reply telling me that Dally was right there when I was asleep again.

The second nightmare woke me early, the sun barely visible in the sky through our thin curtains. This time it had been Bob…my knife sliding into his back. It had been so easy. Soda's arm was thrown over me, and I remembered the first nightmare. I supposed he must have been real worried to risk having his arm around my ribs like that. It didn't hurt though. I stared out the window for a while, then carefully, and trying not to aggravate my side, I slipped out of bed and out from under my brother's arm. He mumbled something and rolled over, relaxing when I pulled the blankets back over him.

The house was silent. Glancing at the clock I found that Darry didn't have to get up for another half hour, and neither did Sodapop, so I supposed it was on me to make breakfast. But I wanted to see the sunrise first. I vaguely remembered dreaming about the sunrise…or maybe the sunset. I remembered watching the sunrise over the horizon, then watching it set with Johnny at the church but it had never happened. I wiped a hand over my face and gave up trying to figure it out. Instead I carefully made my way out into the living room, trying not to aggravate my ribs, when I found Dally in our recliner, sound asleep. I supposed Johnny had gone home, or slept in the lot, as Dally was the only one there.

I had an urge to draw him again. He looked younger in his sleep, but I guess we all did. I knew Sodapop did. So did Darry. He didn't look as mean either. I always thought of Dally as tough and mean, but I knew he cared about Johnny a lot. I knew he'd fall apart if Johnny died. I knew he was gallant, and he'd help any of us in a jam if he could…he'd proven that to us…well, he would have proven that. He'd given us a gun and helped us escape, even though he could have gotten in big trouble. He hadn't even told anyone where we were, even though I was sure Soda and Darry were on him about it.

He chose that moment to stir a little, and I hurried quietly out onto the porch, not wanting him to catch me staring again. He'd seemed kind of suspicious the night before, and I didn't need him asking questions. Then I'd woken him up, probably screaming for him in my sleep. He hadn't really been around the house so much recently, and he hadn't spent the night on one of the nights that I'd had a nightmare, even though the whole gang knew I had them. They didn't bug me about it or anything, but Steve had been there once when it had happened and hadn't been a jerk about it, much to my surprise. But he had told Two-Bit, and I'd talked briefly with Johnny about it when no one else was around. It was the only time we really talked about stuff…when we were alone.

Last night, Johnny and I had sat on the porch for a long time, talking quietly, first about the poem, then about that night. He didn't ask about the knife again, but he did ask what had happened with Darry. "You know, to make you run out like you did."
I knew what he was asking. "He and Soda were worried that I was out so late. Since we fell asleep." He'd nodded. "I argued with him…I yelled at him." I'd shrugged. It was no big deal. Johnny's parents beat the hell out of him on a regular basis, and I'd watched him die. I'd shoved that thought away, needing not to think of that. "He yelled at Soda and it made me mad." I had admitted.

"They don't fight much."

"Nah." I shook my head.

"You scared he'll do it again?"

I'd shaken my head. "Not really. I don't think he ever will." There was a quiet clatter behind us and Dally had stepped onto the porch, making me wonder how much he had heard. Still, if he'd heard our conversation he didn't let on.

"This ain't the couch." Dal had commented carelessly, lighting up a cigarette and leaning on the railing.

"I told you to stay on the couch, Pony. You better not be smoking." Darry's voice had come from inside and I'd sighed.

"He wasn't." Johnny had called quickly, putting out his own cigarette, and I couldn't help but grin at him, as though Darry would get on him for smoking too. Dally took a long puff, turning around and regarding us.

"How are the ribs kid?" I'd shrugged, kind of uncomfortable. Dally usually wasn't…friendly, even though he was a buddy.

"Broken. Yours?" He'd snorted, glancing up when Darry joined us, crowding the porch even more.

"Fine."

"Sorry, Darry." I'd muttered, looking down.

"Here." He'd handed me a glass of water and a pill, my antibiotics. I'd thanked him quietly, draining the water glass and putting it on the ground beside me. Johnny and I had clammed up again while we all gathered on the porch, watching the fading light. I couldn't talk to anyone like I could talk to Johnny, not even my brothers…not even Sodapop. Sure, Soda would listen. He'd be nice about it. But he didn't get it. Not like Johnny. I'm almost lost that. "Pony? What's wrong?" Darry had dropped a hand onto my shoulder, squeezing gently. I'd realized my fear had shown on my face, and Johnny was watching me as closely as Darry, while Dal stared out at the street.

"Nothing. Sorry." He'd shaken his head, not accepting my answer. But I didn't have an explanation, so I'd made one up. "I'm just real tired, Dar." That had gone over a little better, and he'd nodded.

"Yeah? Why don't you go on to bed, kiddo? Come on." I'd accepted his help up, reminding myself over and over what happened when I argued with my brother.

"Night, Pony." Johnny had called from the porch, and I'd lifted a hand, waving as I'd headed into the house.

"Night, guys." Darry had helped me into the house, his hand on my arm as he'd walked with me. He seemed worried, and so I'd dropped onto my bed, not even waking when Soda had come home…not until my nightmare.

Now I stood on the same porch, leaning against the railing where Dal had been the night before, watching the horizon. Sunsets were my favorite, as Johnny had known. Maybe he still did. Maybe we didn't have to spend a week together in an abandoned church for him to figure that out. But sunrises were nice in their own way. I felt the urge to grab a cigarette, but I knew Darry would kill me, and 'don't argue with my brothers' had sort of become my motto over the last couple of days…well, the days that I'd been conscious.

The second nightmare came back then, as I stared at the sunset. I'd stood, climbing to my feet despite the broken ribs, and had made my way slowly across the park. No one had even looked up…they were too drunk and too focused on Johnny. The knife had gone in like he was a piece of meat…which I guess he was. I felt my stomach churn at the thought and clamped my hand over my mouth, leaning hard against the railing. It had been so easy to kill someone. I'd seen the blood cover the back of his football jacket, the horrified looks of his friends as they'd backed away from me.

"You gonna be sick, kid?" I jumped at Dally's voice as he joined me on the porch, pulling out a cigarette and a lighter. He didn't look particularly concerned as he lit up, bringing it to his lips for a long drag, and he didn't look at me, but I got the feeling he was trying to look out for me. He always did, even if he'd never admit it. Dally had my back.

"No." I stared at his pack of smokes until he held it out, offering silently. I knew he wouldn't tell. Still, I shook my head. He shrugged, turning to watch the sun as it rose over the horizon. He didn't look impressed, but I never could read him all that well. "Sorry I woke you. Last night, I mean." I felt his eyes on me, quiet and considering, but I kept my eyes on the sun as it rose.

"Shoot, kid. If I had a nickel for every time some kid woke me up screaming for me in the middle of the night…" He trailed off and I laughed, guessing he'd have about one nickel. "What did you need my help with?" He wondered idly. I looked at him strangely, and he clarified. "Last night. You were yelling for me, and when I answered you said you needed my help." I debated for a second, then figure it couldn't hurt to tell him.

"We were in a fire. In my dream." I spoke quietly as I watched the sunrise. "Me and Johnny. A church was on fire." He turned to stare at me, eyes narrow in concentration. I decided not to tell him where the church was. That might be too much of a coincidence for even Dally to believe. "He was hurt. I was trying to get him out." He nodded, turning back to the sunrise.

"You saved his life. At the park. Those socs would've drowned him." He told me simply. "When all this dies down, you'd better believe we're gonna track those Socs down." He told me grimly. I didn't much care. I didn't want to fight anyone anymore. It wouldn't make a difference. Wasn't that what Randy had said in his car…when Two-Bit and I had gone to the hospital to see Dally and Johnny. We would still be greasers and they would still be socs and we'd never be anything more. Right?

"I better go start breakfast." I told him quietly, turning and heading inside. He stayed where he was, watching the sun rising over the horizon. "It's pretty tuff, huh?" I asked, turning from the door and watching with him for a second. He snorted, shaking his head a little and taking a drag on the cigarette.

"I guess so, kid."

"I was dreaming about it. The sunrise…or maybe the sunset. When I was in the hospital." I don't know why I told him that, and I didn't stick around to hear the answer. Instead, I headed over to the kitchen, swallowing a pain pill and one of those antibiotics the doctors insisted I finish, eating a piece of bread with them and pulling out a carton of eggs and some bacon to fry for Darry's breakfast. As I cracked an egg in the pan, I remembered doing this before, the morning after I got out of the hospital…the other time. After the fire. Steve had asked me what it felt like to be a hero…a big shot. I wasn't a hero anymore. I was still nobody, but now I was a nobody that had killed someone.

I tried to push those thoughts away, staring at the eggs as they cooked. It was a Friday, and Two-Bit had promised to get my work for me. Steve had school too, and both Darry and Soda had to work again. I wondered where Johnny had slept, and I hoped he'd crashed at Two-Bit's. Two's mom wasn't real interested in her kids or what they did, but at least she'd never hit them or anything. I thought about Darry and shook it off. Dar hadn't meant to hit me. I knew that for a fact. I didn't think he'd ever do it again, neither. I shouldn't have yelled at him anyway. I thought of what I'd almost caused…what I'd somehow been allowed to undo.

"Hey, kiddo. You should be in bed." Darry's voice was soft and worried. I wondered how long I had until he was mad all the time again, and flinched at the thought.

'He won't be if I don't fight with him.' I told myself sharply as I tried to grin at him. "First one up makes breakfast. Didn't wanna get stuck with dishes." He didn't push it, ruffling my hair instead as they all tended to do. I tried not to let it irritate me. One flashback to his face in the hospital and I was feeling more sick that irritated.

"How you feelin?" He asked, and the shower turned on in the bathroom. Apparently Soda was up. "You take your medicine?"

"Yeah." I answered shortly, scraping the eggs off the skillet and dropping them on a piece of bread already piled with bacon, holding it out for Darry. He took it, thanking me quietly but still watching. "I'm alright. Just sore." I told him truthfully, and he seemed to let it go, sitting down with his breakfast. I started on Dally and Soda's breakfast next, sneaking a bottle of blue food coloring and dropping in a few drops, knowing it would make Soda smile.

Dal just rolled his eyes when he came in, seeing what I was cooking and what color it was, grabbing his own plate and taking most of the eggs. It was edible, and he was used to strangely colored food at this house. Soda came in next, laughing at the blue eggs and dropping an arm over my shoulders, squeezing gently and asking how I was doing.

"Fine." I answered, already tired of that question. Reaching into the cabinet, I pulled out the jelly and handed it to him, shuddering when he globbed some onto the eggs. I'd seen him eat it plenty of times, but it still made me sick. As I was pulling out more eggs, the front door slammed, Two-Bit announcing his presence with a loud 'Good morning' that would have woken us if we weren't all already up, Johnny and Steve trailing behind.

"Let them finish, Pony." Darry ordered, and I dropped the spatula as if burned.

'Don't argue with your brothers.' Or Darry would hit me again? Or I would run away? Or my friend would die? I didn't know anymore.

"Yeah, kid." Two-Bit put in, looking cheerful and too awake. "How do you like your eggs?"

I shrugged. It didn't matter. I wasn't hungry anyway, but Darry wasn't having that. "Hard." He answered for me, and I wished they'd all go back to talking about…well, whatever it was they talked about. Work. Anything. Anything except how I was feeling. Johnny sat beside me on my other side, across from Dally from the table. His shoulder touched mine and I glanced up. I knew he was worried, and I gave him a weak grin. I was fine. It felt like I was slowly going insane, but I'd figure it out somehow. Maybe once I got back to school and busy again. Just like the doctor had said…wear myself out and I wouldn't have the energy to dream.

As everyone got ready to leave, Two-Bit offered to stay with me again. Before I could wave him off, Dally spoke up, surprising everyone. "I'm gonna stick around here today anyway. Go see if you can pass the eleventh grade." He smirked at our friend who put a hand over his heart, mock-offended.

"I could finish high school anytime I wanted, Dallas."

"But as long as he's in high school, he has an excuse for not getting a job." Steve put in, making us all laugh as Darry tugged on his work shirt and Soda looked around for his hat. Surprisingly, Steve waved goodbye, telling me he'd see me later. I almost fell out of my chair, but he was out the door before I could make a smart remark. That was probably for the best. I wondered when he was going to go back to his old self...the one that hated the tag-along kid and only spoke to me when he had to...or when he had something smart to say. Darry looked at me right before he left, as though he had something to say, but just squeezed my shoulder and giving Dal a long look that our friend ignored in favor of finishing his breakfast.

"Dally…"

"Go to work, muscles." He told my brother simply. "I've got things handled here." Soda called for me to take it easy before they all left, leaving me alone with Dal and Johnny, just like that night. It was the next day, when Darry was off work and had plenty of time to say to me whatever it was he was thinking, that I was worried about.

"You don't have to babysit me, Dal." I told him quietly as the door slammed shut behind my brothers. Johnny didn't say anything, just picked at his free breakfast.

Dallas finished his eggs, pushing his plate toward me, and I carried it over to the sink. "Good. 'Cause I don't babysit. What do you two say we head to the movies? I still got Buck's car." I had to grin a bit at that from the sink where, no surprise, I had been stuck with the dishes, and Johnny chuckled.

"When you gonna give that back?" He wondered. Dally smirked, looking just like a tough hood, but he didn't look mean. He'd changed somehow…or maybe I was just noticing. He wasn't nice…he hadn't been lying to Cherry about that. Or maybe he just didn't want to seem nice, with a rep to protect and all that. He stood, making a move at Johnny at the last second and putting him in a headlock, mock punching him in the stomach.

"Shit, kid, when he comes looking for it!"

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