This is a total crack chapter and not even a real reason. It's more me poking fun at a huge Dramione cliché... But hey, it was funny. At least, it felt like that while I was writing it.
Disclaimer: It's all Rowling's.
The-don't-hit-me Disclaimer: I love Harry Potter and everything about it. I also love Harry Potter fanfiction. I'm not criticising anything here, nor do I think I'm funny. I'm just doing this for my own amusement.
50 Reasons to Ship Draco/Hermione
Reason n°7: Because They're Both Oh-So-Hot
-Rewind- Wait, what?
You heard me. Hermione is hot. In fact, most of the time, she must be mind-blowingly hot and somewhat trashy (though sometimes she's hawt, it depends on the author's mental age (usually between ten and fifteen)). This is absolutely necessary if Dramione is to happen, because the author is a (teenaged) female who thinks Draco is totally hawt, and obviously bushy-haired, ex-buck-toothed Hermione just doesn't cut it for Sex God Draco. In fact, Hermione's hairstyle and flat chest (?) is of greater importance than her blood status in getting Draco to fall for her (which just goes to show how shallow guys really are).
And so it is that we have these stories – I kid you not, they actually exist and they're not all labelled under "Parody." Please close your eyes if you are easily disgusted by possession!Sues, ie the author taking over a character and turning her into an inflated Barbie doll – these stories, then, that begin in sixth/alternate seventh/post-war seventh year and manage to insert somewhere in the first three paragraphs something quite like this*:
/!\ Warning! You can never unread this. Proceed at your own risk. /!\
Over the summer / during the war (WTH?), Hermione had grown out of her awkwardness (what awkwardness?) and had bloomed (like a wallflower?) into a beautiful young woman. Her previously bushy hair had grown out a miraculous four inches in the space of two months and now fell in soft, cascading**, golden-brown ringlets down her back. She seemed to ignore Hogwarts uniform (in fact, strangely enough, that year, no one would respect the school dress code), instead wearing tight, low-ride jeans that showed off her navel, which was pierced, and an even tighter t-shirt with a low neckline. Her breasts had grown over the summer into a C-cup and now strained against the fabric of the t-shirt (these authors must be pre-teens, because girls who already have breasts would not write something like this unless they wanted to describe a freegirl). Her amber eyes looked up coyly from beneath long, golden eyelashes. Everyone and their dog stopped talking when she set foot on Platform Nine and ¾, and Ron's eyes popped out of their sockets (probably because her breasts were straining to be released. Ew).
Alternately, Hermione may have gone to vist a long-lost cousin in America (because everyone has to have a cousin in America. I mean, I do, too. Maybe it's the same one?) who was horrified at having such an unclassy relative and did a total makeover on our favourite female character, effectively turning her into the worst Sue the Harry Potter fandom has ever known (Ebony/Enoby not included). She might even have permanently straightened her hair, to the reader's eternal horror.
* Except without the parentheses, because I have a thing for overusing parentheses. You noticed, right? Also without the warning, because the author doesn't think that a hawt!Hermione is an eyesore. Unfortunately this means that an increasing number of Dramione fans have been scarred for life by these stories.
** This word must be used at least once throughout the fic to describe Hermione's hair. Or Ginny's. Or some other random slut's.
Now, let's get something straight here... Probably Hermione isn't ugly. Hell, she was beautiful at the Yule Ball, so yes, she's obviously pretty to some degree. But a) people don't just morph into a Barbie doll over the space of two months (oh my god, I just imagined my friends undergoing this kind of transformation over the summer!) and b) what is it with frizzy hair and not-C cup breasts that doesn't fit the requirements of beauty? Oh, and c) five paragraphs describing one person's hair is too long, sorry.
Hermione is pretty (Emma Watson is beautiful, though), but I don't know anyone pretty enough to make everyone stare when she walks by in the corridors. Personally that kind of attention would creep me out.
Let's move on to Draco. He, too, is unbelievably H-A-W-T. Only in his case, he has been hot since first year (never mind that he was eleven years old) and Hermione has either a) only just noticed or b) been crushing on him all this time. Draco has silvery-blond hair (so far so good) which is smooth (well... maybe), not always slicked back or if so, definitely not with gel because gel is ew (heck, they're right), grey eyes which are sometimes blue (oh gods, please no), and washboard abs. Yes, people, washboard abs, though I can't see Draco working out (ha!) or doing any sort of manual labour at all. The author actually gives this some thought, but she will usually pass his washboard abs and muscled arms off as the result of Quidditch-playing and go on with the story, leaving the reader to titter quietly over how physically demanding Seeking really is.
So you see? They're both hot. They obviously deserve each other.
-Parody mode off, argument mode on.-
… or not.
There isn't really an argument for this chapter. For lots of people, apparently, for Draco and Hermione to be together they must both be stunningly, dazzlingly, unebelievably hawt. And that's the sad truth. Ronmione fans actually have one over us here, much as I hate to admit it, because there are actually fewer of their fics turning Ron and/or Hermione into a Ken/Barbie. Maybe it's because they're less adventurous and stick closer to canon (kidding! Don't hit me, Ronmione shippers, even though I hate the pairing. Ow! I said, don't hit me!).
Canon, in this case, really is the way to go.
-shudder-
I am a teenaged female, too, so don't hit me for poking fun at y'all out there. ^^
PS: I tried running this through spell-check, honest to God I really did, but it kept bugging me because apparently "hawt" isn't a word (really?). I stopped trying when it tried to get me to correct "Dramione" (*shockhorrorgasp*). So if there are typos, yeah, don't hesitate to point them out!
