Chapter Seven
Caroline walked into GLaDOS's chamber that night with a broad grin on her face, and GLaDOS cocked her head, puzzled. "You look pleased," she remarked. "What happened?"
"I just read the most beautiful research proposal I've ever seen," Caroline answered. "It's like I've been waiting for it all my life."
"What was it for?" GLaDOS asked, wondering if Caroline would let her have a look. She wasn't authorised to view research proposals, and it wasn't for lack of trying.
"It was yours, silly," Caroline said, climbing the stairs with what seemed to be more effort than usual, sitting down against the railing. "It was hysterical."
"I don't understand why you find me so amusing," GLaDOS told her, a little annoyed.
"Me neither," Caroline shrugged, "but as they say, it's better to laugh than cry, right?"
"For you, perhaps. For me, neither really has any sort of effect."
Caroline tipped her head to the left and looked up at GLaDOS. "If it had no effect, you wouldn't laugh at all, now would you?"
"I might. I can't help doing what I was trained from activation to do, after all."
Caroline frowned. "That's… a psych project for another day, I think."
"It's universal across human cultures," GLaDOS explained. "Considering you based my personality programming off of your own, I'd say it's hardwired into me as well."
"Just don't scream again," Caroline said quietly. "It's..."
"A surefire method of rupturing your eardrums, no doubt," GLaDOS cut in, not really wanting to think about her shameful loss of control. Seriously. She hadn't even realised it until she was being shut off? That was stupid. She needed to take steps to ensure she never again made a sound that she hadn't intentionally generated.
"No." Caroline looked up at her. "It's sad."
"… sad?" GLaDOS would have chosen 'annoying', herself.
"Do you know why children cry, GLaDOS?"
"I'm afraid the database doesn't contain that information."
"Well, it's not really science, more of an observation, but – "
"Science is all about observation."
Caroline threaded a strand of hair between her fingers. "Right. Well, they cry because they need something, at first. They need someone to care for them. They get a little older, and they learn that they can trick you, by crying when nothing's wrong. And then they get a little older, and some of them… they won't cry if their life depends on it."
"Why not?"
"They think it makes them weak. That if they cry, it will make it look to everyone like they can't handle things. Even if those things are burying them so deep that they might never come out from under them. And those people cry in the dark, in the middle of the night, into their pillows so that no one will hear, so that no one will know. And they… they need someone to care for them, just like anyone else. But they just keep on presenting this… front, that they don't need anyone. That they'll be fine, no matter what."
GLaDOS regarded Caroline for a long moment.
"Like you."
Caroline jumped a little. "What?"
"You just described yourself. Didn't you."
"No. No, of course not." Caroline straightened herself against the railing and pulled down her skirt. "I don't know what you're –"
"You did," GLaDOS said, firm in her belief that Caroline had, indeed, described herself. "You're a woman pretending she's a man. You just described that. I know you did."
"I didn't. It was just a general statement. That's all."
"Caroline," GLaDOS said softly, not one to give up once she'd started, "I don't lie to you. Why do you keep hiding things from me?"
"I'm not. You're making something out of nothing."
"I thought I was your friend." And she found herself oddly saddened to think that maybe she wasn't. Having a friend was… nice.
"You are."
"I can't be. If I was your friend, you'd trust me. And you obviously don't."
Caroline froze for a few seconds, then abruptly got to her feet and snatched up her bag. "I've changed my mind. I'm going home."
"The function of pain, and by extension becoming lachrymose, is to tell you to change something," GLaDOS told her quietly.
"I'm fine," Caroline said tightly. "I don't need to change anything. Mind your own business."
GLaDOS did not watch her leave.
"Here she is."
GLaDOS glanced down disinterestedly at Caroline and a pair of two men in business suits, whom of which Caroline appeared to be leading around the facility for some reason. She wasn't really interested in that. She was far too busy writing code for her second robot. She wished she were able to activate the first one. For all she knew, she was writing two sets of defunct AI.
"I see. And what does… she… do?"
"She does everything."
"Everything?" said the second man, a short, plump excuse for a human squeezed into a dark grey suit. The second man was marginally more acceptable. He was within the standard BMI for his height class, anyway. He was a little harder to see, however; he had somehow managed to select a suit the exact same colour as the floor tiles.
"She controls everything in the facility. The climate, the electrical system, the nuclear reactor, the testing tracks. Cut the needs for employees about 80 percent."
"A system like that would have to be huge," the taller man said. "You must have quite the maintenance team."
"She does her all of her own maintenance," Caroline told him.
That wasn't… a hint of pride in Caroline's voice, was it? She found that she was getting a pleasant tingling sensation, thinking about it. She hoped she had heard correctly.
"And in the event of a systems crash, what happens?"
"Version 1.0.9 will take over. It doesn't do much more than maintain the computer systems and keep electrical at minimum requirements."
"Hm," the shorter man said, rubbing his moustache. "That's certainly quite impressive. But why are you calling this robot a she?"
The taller man laughed. "It's like a nice car, George. You call it a she because it's like your b– "
"Actually, that has nothing to do with it," Caroline cut him off, and it was just as well. If he had said what GLaDOS thought he had been about to say, well, she wouldn't have been able to help herself. Comparing her to a car. And to that and a car at the same time? She could hardly think of a greater insult. A mere piece of machinery. She had a mind to do something about it anyway. Only the danger of affecting Caroline's reputation kept her in check. "GLaDOS isn't just a robot. She's artificial intelligence as well."
"You've got artificial intelligence completely controlling this place?" George demanded, turning to face Caroline. "Don't you know the dangers of that?"
"She's different," Caroline told him. "She is artificial intelligence, yes. But she's also sentient. She's not bound by logic. In most cases, she does follow it, yes, but – "
"I heard you people were doing some crazy stuff, but this takes the cake," the taller man snorted, turning to face the door. "I can't believe you did something so stupid. Putting AI in control of everything, like in a bad sci-fi movie. And it's sentient? That's impossible."
"It isn't," Caroline said insistently. "She's sentient. Just talk to her. You'll see."
"Oh, it talks," George said, nudging the taller man.
"I can hear you, you know," GLaDOS said, annoyed, bringing her chassis lower. She knew she probably shouldn't say anything, for Caroline's sake, but she couldn't take any more of it. Hopefully Caroline would understand.
The two men jumped backward, both of them facing her with wide eyes. George was clinging to the hem of the taller man's jacket. Caroline grimaced a little. Hm. Maybe she didn't.
"It talks," the taller man said to George.
"I do a lot more than that," GLaDOS remarked dryly.
"Did you hear that, George," the taller man whispered into George's ear. "It does a lot more than –"
"I can still hear you," GLaDOS interrupted, not really wanting to know where that was going. "I'd appreciate it if you'd keep derogatory comments to a minimum. I haven't really done anything to deserve them."
"Of course," George said, with what GLaDOS was 90 percent sure was false sincerity. "We will take your feelings into account, Miss Robot."
"I am designated GLaDOS, if that's easier for you to say. It does have fewer syllables. So you could 'kill two birds with one stone', I believe the saying goes, both by using my actual designation and by executing your primary function, by which I mean being exceedingly lazy."
They both stared at GLaDOS as if she'd turned human, or something equally stupid.
"Did that robot just insult us?" the taller man asked Caroline.
"She gets like that," Caroline admitted. "She's fully sentient, but very few people actually acknowledge that, so she gets a little… piqued when people talk to her like she's non-sentient."
"That is a robot," George said, thrusting out a hand to point in the general direction of GLaDOS's faceplate, and in fact nearly striking her optic by mistake. "And you're trying to tell me it thinks?"
"I do think," GLaDOS told him. "And I am in fact thinking right now that I'd like your hand out of my face."
He snapped back around to confront her. "You don't have a face. You're a robot."
"I do not have the conventional description of a face, and yet neither does a man who has had his face melted off with boiling acid. And yet his dissolved countenance is still described as a face. This puzzles me. Would you care to explain it?"
The two men stared at GLaDOS with their jaws slack. Caroline had one arm clutching a ream of papers attached to a clipboard pressed into her chest, the other gripping her face.
"I don't know what this thing is," the taller man said finally, "but I don't like it. I don't know what the hell it's for, or what the point of it being able to talk is, because all it spews is… is…"
"I was unable to talk, once," GLaDOS remarked nostalgically. "It's not that fun. Have you ever had the sensation of having plenty to say, but being unable to articulate it? And then finding out it's because someone forgot to connect one of the wires in your speakers to your speech synthesizing unit? It's quite irritating. I haven't thought about that in a while."
"They should have left you that way," George snarled. "I have never spoken to a less pleasant person in my life, and I only use the word person here because there's nothing else to compare a hunk of junk like you to."
That actually sort of hurt, since she wasn't anything of the sort, but she resolved not to show it and said instead, "There's no need for that. If you had been more pleasant towards me, I wouldn't have behaved the way I did. I only matched your level of courtesy. Sir."
"We're leaving," the taller man snapped, turning to face Caroline. "We've had enough. I don't know what this thing thinks it's doing, but it's intolerable. I'd like to see just who you could sell that piece of shit to."
With that, the two men stormed out, and GLaDOS thought they would have preferred a manual door to the airlock that she had so generously opened for them, so that they could slam it on the way out.
"It was nice meeting you, too," she called after them. George extended his left hand behind him, third finger raised. GLaDOS tipped her faceplate. "What does that mean, Caroline?"
"It's… an insult," Caroline said, frowning after him. "That was… not necessary."
"Can I crush them with the next door?"
"No!" Caroline exclaimed, spinning to face her. "No, for god's sake, GLaDOS. Fine, we don't have the strictest ethical standards. But we don't just kill people."
"All right," GLaDOS said, not really appreciating the lecture. "I was just asking."
"I'm sorry about that," Caroline told her, folding the papers into her chest with both arms. "I was hoping they'd get it. They both work in AI. But I guess they weren't quite ready for you."
"I probably shouldn't have reacted the way I did," GLaDOS said, realising a bit too late that those men were probably much-needed investors. Caroline shook her head.
"No. If they're not willing to accept you, I don't want their money. I'm happy that you defended yourself like that."
"You won't be getting anything from anyone, Caroline."
She shrugged. "I know. But one can hope. And wish. And go out on limbs." She smiled and looked up at GLaDOS. "Besides, that was pretty funny. Could've done without the graphic description of the face, though."
"One must provide detail when debating the description of objects," GLaDOS said innocently. Caroline wasn't upset. Excellent.
Caroline smiled again and shook her head, reaching out to run a hand down the side of her faceplate without looking at GLaDOS. "You're too much, you really are."
"What did that mean?" GLaDOS asked, as Caroline pulled her arm away. Caroline looked at her hand.
"It… I… I don't know. It's another thing we do."
"I see," GLaDOS said, even though she didn't. Caroline looked at her knowingly, but didn't want to go into it any more than GLaDOS did.
"See you later," Caroline said, and she left the room.
GLaDOS supposed she had been forgiven for accusing Caroline last night.
"Hey GLaDOS… I know I said we'd get back to work tonight, but… can it wait another day? I don't really feel like starting it right now."
GLaDOS looked down at Caroline, who had been sitting in her usual place on the platform below her. GLaDOS had been wondering why she'd been so quiet, but hadn't been sure how to ask about it. "I suppose," she said, disappointed. She'd been getting so much done lately, and had so been looking forward to getting more done…
"If it's a big deal to you, we can-"
"It's fine. I'll wait."
"Thanks." She folded her hands together in her lap and stared down at them.
"What are you here for, then, if you didn't want to work?" GLaDOS asked. Caroline took a long breath.
"Well, I… just thought we could talk."
"About what?"
"I don't know. Something."
GLaDOS was well and thoroughly confused. She'd come here with the intention of talking about something, but didn't know what it was she wanted to talk about? But that didn't make any sense! Why would anyone do such a thing?
"I don't understand."
"It's something friends do," Caroline explained. "They just… hang out."
Oh. That explained why she didn't understand. Going somewhere with the intention of doing something, but not knowing what it was you were going to do when you got there was a very strange concept. "Don't you have any other friends you'd rather… 'hang out' with?"
"Well… not really."
GLaDOS looked at her as incredulously as she was able. "Surely there's someone. I don't really understand why you're bothering to come here and do it with me when I don't even know what it is you're trying to do!"
Caroline rubbed at the back of her head. "I - "
"Why are you doing this to yourself?" GLaDOS asked, Caroline's behaviour becoming more and more bewildering the more she thought about it. "You already have enough to deal with as it is. Go 'hang out' with one of your human friends. It will be a lot less work than trying to do it with me."
"I can't," Caroline said quietly.
"And why not?"
Caroline shifted against the railing, grimacing, then reached over and pulled off her shoes. "You saw what happened today. When I told those men about you. And believe it or not, you're actually one of the more plausible things around here. Imagine if I'd tried to show them the portal gun, or the sticky gel."
"The Aperture Science Handheld Portal Device works perfectly!" GLaDOS declared hotly. Caroline quickly put up her hands.
"It's not that it doesn't work," she told her. "It's that it doesn't make sense. To you, yes. You understand how it works. But do we? No. If I tell them that they can walk through that hole in the wall and end up in another room, they won't believe me. They'll walk out."
"They did that anyway," GLaDOS agreed. Caroline nodded.
"Exactly. And those were people who are trying to do the impossible: build working AI. Only we have ever done that, and since we're not Black Mesa, well, no one believes us."
"Get a man to do your presentations," GLaDOS suggested. "Perhaps then someone will believe you."
Caroline frowned. "No. I'd rather declare bankruptcy."
GLaDOS laughed. "That's pretty drastic."
Caroline shrugged. "That's how it is. But if even they won't believe me, why would anyone else?"
"Are you saying your friends wouldn't believe you if you told them what your job was?"
"That's right."
GLaDOS shook her head. "I'll admit I don't know a whole lot about how that works, but I don't think you have very good friends. If they were really your friends, would they not believe you no matter how ridiculous your claims were?"
"You'd think," Caroline remarked, rubbing at her left ankle, "but not even my own mother believes me."
GLaDOS knew very little about mothers, either, but as far as she knew, they were supposed to nurture their daughters until the day they died. "Isn't she supposed to be the one person who believes you, no matter what?"
"'Supposed to' being the operative term."
"So… who do you tell about your day?"
"What?"
"Don't humans go home and tell people what they've been doing all day?"
"Yes. Their friends and family, usually."
"And you don't tell them because you think they won't believe you?" GLaDOS's logic boards were burning through the information and coming to a deduction she didn't much like.
"I know they won't. They didn't believe me even when we were actually marketing the Propulsion Gel as dietary pudding."
"In conclusion, I'm your only option. You're only here because there is no one else."
Caroline frowned, leaning forward. "It's not like that. It's not how you make it sound."
"Can you honestly say you'd be here, if you had somewhere else to go?" GLaDOS already knew the answer. Of course she wouldn't. Why would she waste her time with GLaDOS when she could spend it with her own kind? For a very long and yet very brief moment, she tried to imagine what it would be like to have another supercomputer to spend her time with, but for once her brain failed her. It stubbornly clamped down on that line of thought. Don't be ridiculous, that rare voice in the back of her head told her. There will never be another supercomputer, not ever. You have more important things to think about.
"I can," Caroline declared stubbornly. "There's actually a reason I didn't want to start the next part of that project today."
"And what was that?" GLaDOS asked, not really able to bring herself to believe it.
"It's New Year's Eve," Caroline answered. "My family usually goes to my mother's to celebrate."
"Celebrate what?"
Caroline laughed a little. "We celebrate the passage of the old year and the beginning of the new one. It's a traditional holiday."
"I don't see what's so exciting about the year changing."
Caroline smiled and shook her head. "When you put it that way, it is kind of silly. Point is, I do have somewhere to go, and I'd rather be here."
"Really?" GLaDOS asked, tilting her faceplate. Taking into account the fact that human holidays were supposed to be spent with one's family, and Caroline was foregoing that tradition to spend it here with GLaDOS… this must be a fairly significant event for her. "You wouldn't rather see your family?"
Caroline made a face. "I should. But I don't really feel like it."
"What do you do when you're there?" GLaDOS asked, suddenly fascinated.
"On New Year's?"
"Yes."
"You want me to tell you what my family does on New Year's?" Caroline asked, as if she didn't quite believe it. She was also staring at GLaDOS oddly.
"Yes."
"Okay. Don't blame me if it bores the heck out of you. Hm… well, it kinda starts in the afternoon. Christmas is kind of a big production too, so sometimes the family's already there. My grandma used to make a big thing out of it, and my mom kinda took over for her a few years back."
"Why is that? Did she get tired of putting on the production?"
"No," Caroline said quietly. "No, she's in the hospital."
"Oh." She didn't know what else to say to that. It seemed as though she should gauge Caroline's words more carefully.
"It's fine. You didn't know. Or know well enough to guess. Anyway, the family comes over and –"
"What family?" GLaDOS interrupted. If she was going to get a solid picture of this whole New Year's thing, she was going to need more detail than that.
"Uh… my two sisters and their husbands… they've got two kids each, two of them are married, so you've got another husband and another wife… I think they have a kid too… I don't remember. I haven't seen them in a while. Then I've got three uncles and four aunts… they've all got kids, who've all got kids… I don't actually remember who all of them are. I'm kind of the black sheep. I try to lay low at these things. I wonder if they'll notice I'm not there. Other than my mom, that is."
"What does 'the black sheep' mean?" GLaDOS asked, unable to find it in the database. Caroline rubbed at one of her elbows.
"The black sheep is the outcast of the family."
"That's not very flattering," GLaDOS remarked, annoyed. "That sounds like a bad thing."
"It is."
"What have your sisters done to get themselves out of being black sheep?"
"They got married and had kids," Caroline shrugged. "That's about it. I don't really find it that impressive, but that's how it is."
"Your mother needs a talking-to," GLaDOS muttered. Caroline burst out laughing. "Are you going to give it to her?" she asked.
"I'd be happy to," GLaDOS answered. The human shook her head.
"That would only make things worse, unfortunately, although it would probably be pretty funny. But no, she wouldn't listen. She'd wave her hand at you and say, 'Now Caroline, this is what you've been wasting all this time doing? Building a talking robot and reinventing wallpaper paste? When are you going to settle down and get married?'"
"Adhesion Gel is not wallpaper paste," GLaDOS said, insulted.
"You can't explain that to my mother, though," Caroline told her. "She won't listen. Anyway. They all come over, and then we have dinner. We have ham and mashed potatoes… whatever stuff is left over from Christmas… some vegetables… then everyone usually drinks enough wine that they let the kids put party hats on them. The guys'll get mostly drunk and the girls'll just get fashionably tipsy. Except for my mom. She has to be all in charge and stuff. The kids will run around and convince the adults to let them stay up until midnight, but they usually fall asleep in front of the TV while the adults sit around and reminisce."
"Why are you watching television? If you're with your family, shouldn't you be spending time with them and not it?"
"Oh, you are," Caroline nodded, "but in other cities, like New York and Niagara Falls, they have these big outdoor New Year's parties, and millions of people go to see concerts and stuff like that. Just before midnight, these parties will have this thing called a ball drop, where they have this giant ball or object all covered in lights and reflective surfaces, and then they'll have this countdown. Everyone will count down from ten and they'll start lowering the ball, and when it hits the ground everyone shouts 'happy new year'. When I was younger, us kids would go running down the street with pots and pans and noisemakers and wake up all the neighbours who didn't bother with the whole thing." She looked down at her lap again, and her smile was a bit sad. "That was fun. Kids don't do that anymore."
GLaDOS had done her utmost to listen very carefully, and to try and visualise just how all of this went on, and she felt like she had a basic understanding of how it all worked. It still didn't make a lot of sense, why someone would celebrate a few numbers changing, but if she really admitted it to herself, it did sound kind of… fun.
"Do you miss doing that?" she asked softly.
"'course I do," Caroline said.
"What is Christmas like?" GLaDOS asked, having a sudden, intense desire to know. Caroline shrugged.
"Well… the people at my house open the stuff under the tree that's from us to each other, and we have these things called stockings that have stuff like small presents and candy in them. Then the family comes over and we have this really big dinner, turkey and stuffing, cranberry sauce and vegetables, whatever stuff people bring over. Then we open the presents they brought over, and the kids play in the wrapping paper and open all their toys and throw them around. If the adults get drunk enough, they'll sing along with the Christmas carols on the radio. Which the kids do anyway. Then some of the family leaves and the rest are welcome to stay over."
"Did you spend Christmas with your family?" GLaDOS asked, although she suspected she already knew the answer.
"Well… no. I went there, said hi to the people who were there, dropped off stuff for the kids… then I left. I had work to do."
GLaDOS stared down at her. "You didn't spend the most important human holiday with your family."
"I told you! I had work to do."
"I have to wonder," GLaDOS said softly, "what kind of work there could possibly be that would be so important that it caused you to forego hundreds of years of tradition?"
"A tradition is only as strong as the people who uphold it."
"That's right. And all those children are going to grow up, and not see you there, and think it's fine for aunts and uncles not to show up to family gatherings."
"What are you trying to say?" Caroline asked, frowning and folding her arms.
"Go to your mother's house. Celebrate New Year's with your family. Show them they can make you the black sheep all they want, but you're still part of them, no matter what. Take those children and make them run down the street with you. Do something. But you're not staying here."
"What?" Caroline asked incredulously.
"You're not staying here," GLaDOS repeated patiently. "I know very well I can make you leave if I want to. It won't bode well for me tomorrow, of course, but I don't care. Go home."
"Fine! I will." Caroline snatched up her shoes and stood up. "I'm not going to my mother's house. I'm going to bed."
"All right," GLaDOS answered. "Go to bed, then. Just remember something."
"What?" Caroline snapped.
"Some people don't have families at all." GLaDOS looked away from her then. She didn't know why she'd said that, didn't know what had caused her to come up with it in the first place, but all of a sudden there was a sharp ache deep inside her, somewhere, and she wished she hadn't.
"If only," Caroline muttered darkly. She made her way down the stairs and walked briskly out of the room.
GLaDOS watched her leave, all the way from the Central AI Chamber to out of the facility. After debating with herself for a few minutes, she changed the feed from one of the monitors in her chamber to one of the television shows Caroline had talked about. It couldn't hurt, could it? No one would ever have to know.
There was some artist on stage performing some sort of music, and GLaDOS muted it in disgust. Music. It seemed to be synonymous with human celebrations for some reason. She made a note to look into that.
It was strange, GLaDOS thought, that all of those people were all pressed very tightly into a small amount of space, and yet all of them were smiling and laughing and singing, and none of them seemed to mind it very much. In fact… she didn't think she'd ever seen so many happy people before. Happiness was in rare supply, here at Aperture. Half of the employees were afraid their projects would blow up in their faces, both literally and figuratively, and the other half were afraid that they would die during testing. She wondered what they were doing tonight. Were they alone in their living rooms, a container of alcohol close at hand, staring sadly at festivities they weren't partaking in? Or were they with family, wearing stupid hats and throwing confetti at each other, waiting eagerly for midnight? GLaDOS hoped Caroline had not gone home to bed. She hoped it was one of those cases where humans said they would do one thing, then did the total opposite.
There was a man with a camera going around the crowd, and it seemed as though whomever he stopped on had to kiss the person next to them, even if they did not know them. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to GLaDOS either, but they all looked like they were having fun. Maybe… maybe there was something to that. To doing something for fun. GLaDOS had never done such a thing, but watching all of the bizarre festivities made her want to try it. Maybe nothing would really result out of it, but… wasn't happiness a goal all in itself? Yes, it was. Caroline had said it was. And it was in fact in the very constitution of the country…
When the midnight hour came, all of the humans counted down from ten, as Caroline had mentioned, and when the ball came to ground level they all threw up their arms and jumped up and down and screamed 'Happy New Year' at each other, as well as just screaming in general. They all looked kind of ridiculous, but they also seemed to be enjoying themselves enormously. She absently noted the influence of crowd psychology as she returned the monitor to its regular state. She looked slowly down at the floor. Something didn't feel right. She didn't understand why. Nothing had changed.
No, that was wrong. Something had changed. And she knew exactly what it was, she just didn't want to think about it. It was that same something that had happened to her all that time ago, when she'd first started designing her robots. That same something that had been a major part of her decision to stop feeling in the first place.
Loneliness.
She looked around the room, somehow half hoping someone would pop up from somewhere and wish her a happy new year too, but of course no one did. And no one would. All she would get was a, 'Did you change the calendars over, GLaDOS?' on the second of the month, like she did last year.
Caroline didn't know how good she had it, GLaDOS thought angrily. Maybe her family didn't like her that much. But they were her family, and at least the children would put away any budding dislike for the duration of the holidays. No one liked GLaDOS. No one would spend a holiday with GLaDOS just for the sake of celebrating it with her. Perhaps she didn't quite understand them, or what they were for, or why they had lasted so long. But how was she supposed to understand if no one explained it to her? Maybe she'd like to celebrate holidays too. Maybe she'd like a day off to explore them, if someone could be bothered to spend one with her. But no. She would never get that. She would spend every single day here, by herself, maintaining an empty building for people who couldn't care less about her.
She lowered herself into the default position, not really wanting to shut off, but not really wanting to keep along this line of thought right now. True, she'd wake up feeling and thinking the exact same way, and it would feel as though no time had passed at all, but at least for now she would have respite.
"Why am I even here?" she murmured to herself. "What is the point of me?"
Even after her vocaliser shut off, the questions kept forming in her brain. Why was she feeling this way? What had happened to her tonight to cause all of this? And how could she make it stop, so she could go back to the way she'd been?
And although she could think of thousands of answers in the time it took for her to go into suspension, she couldn't think of one that felt right.
