CHAPTER SIX: Not My Intention

Draco thought about Astoria a hell of a lot over the next few days. He seriously had to snap out of it because he was absolutely certain she didn't have feelings for him. Why would she? The rest of their day in Hogsmeade last weekend had been pleasant. In fact, they had spent the majority of it just chatting to each other. There had definitely been some awkward moments, but it could be worse; Astoria could think him the scumbag death eater that so many others thought him. Thankfully, it appeared that she didn't, and fortunately there were no further accidental flashings of his dark mark as there had been in Diagon Alley. Nor had he thoughtlessly exposed any more scars to her that were attached to some pretty horrific memories. It wasn't difficult to hide scars on his chest, his back. The ones on his arms, his neck were a little more problematic. No-one had ever mentioned them before Astoria though, so he must have been hiding them pretty well.

Astoria had even joined him outside of the Three Broomsticks, when he left the cosy pub to smoke a cigarette. Draco knew that once they'd left, the rest of the Slytherins would be going mad with speculation but it didn't matter to him anymore. There was nothing going on with him and Astoria and there never would be. They were just becoming friends and the only reason she had followed him outside was because they were mid-debate over which teacher had been the best before the war when Draco had decided he needed his nicotine fix. Astoria found that she quite liked arguing with him, not many people put up as good a fight as he did. He was completely stubborn but not unfair.

Draco was tucking into his breakfast one morning when Agon arrived, landing right in front of him and hooting in admiration. Draco untied the letter, recognising his mother's handwriting immediately. It was fairly similar to his own, only neater. He opened the letter hastily and read it through.

My Darling,

I went to visit your father yesterday. I expect you will be pleased to know he is well. It was really rather strange not having you there with me.

Anyway, we were talking and he asked after you, how you were getting on now you were back at school and he seemed interested to know what you intended to do after school and so I told him exactly what you told me. I'm sorry to say this, Draco, but as you expected, he wasn't best pleased. I just thought I should write to warn you incase he attempts to get in contact with you about it.

Whatever happens, you must know that I am proud of you and I will support you. Always.

Write soon, darling.

All my love,

Mum

He read the letter several times, his heart thudding. When his mum had suggested that they told his father of his ambitions together Draco had been pleased because it meant the confrontation could have been delayed for as long as he felt necessary. It was too late now, she'd already told him. He knew it wouldn't have been her intention, but he was annoyed nevertheless.

He looked up from the letter and saw Pansy walking down the length of the table, alone. He quickly grabbed the letter and shoved it into his pocket. Out of sight, out of mind, he thought. Anyway, why should he give a damn about his father's opinion any more? He was in prison for life, Draco would have a much more successful life than him, whatever career path he chose.

Draco groaned to himself when he realised Pansy was heading to sit next to him. Maybe Daphne's words hadn't worked so well after all.

"Hey," Pansy said airily, sitting down next to him and grabbing herself a plate for some breakfast.

"Alright," Draco said, completely meaning to emphasise that he wasn't in the mood to chat.

"What's wrong, you look upset?" Pansy asked him.

Draco's brow furrowed. "I'm not upset," he told her. "Just pissed off, I suppose."

Pansy looked at him, her eyelashes fluttering. "Care to share?"

"Not really but thanks for the offer."

"Your loss," she said irritably. "Anyway, I've been thinking. We need to talk."

Draco glanced at her. He had expected to feel immediate annoyance but when he looked at her he actually felt a bit sympathetic. He had a sneaking suspicion that this 'talk' would turn out exactly the same as many other 'talks' they had had before now but maybe there was a way that he could make this the last one. Maybe, for once, he could just be honest with her.

"Okay," he agreed. "Yeah, you're right. We do need to talk."

Pansy was shocked. He didn't normally give in so easily. Last week in Hogsmeade she hadn't seen any evidence but now, just maybe he could still have feelings for her.

Draco stood to leave, he had classes soon. "Tonight, okay?" he said to her. She nodded and smiled at him. He didn't return the smile. "I'll see you in the common room."

That night, Draco and Pansy sat alone on a sofa together in the corner of the common room. It was late, they had a whole day of lessons tomorrow, and Draco could only hope this little chat wouldn't go on for too long. He waited for Pansy to speak first, he could sense she had a lot she needed to say to him, even though they had had many discussions concerning their relationship. But hopefully this one would get it over and done with for good. After a couple of minutes of waiting in silence, Pansy still hadn't spoken, she just remained sitting and starting at the stone floor.

"Pans, we came here to talk," Draco urged her. "I know you've got stuff to say so just say it."

Pansy looked round at him, an amount of sadness in her eyes. She waited a long whole before saying "Where did we go wrong, Draco?" She looked away again. Draco sighed deeply and flopped back onto the sofa. The only thing he could do now was be honest to the point of being slightly brutal. He knew this was going to end badly. It was the only way to prevent this from happening again a few months down the line.

"Pansy, listen to me," Draco said. He gently pulled her face round with his hand so she was looking at him. "We both have things we want to say to each other so let's just say them all, yeah?" She remained silent. "I'm not going to hold anything back now, and I don't want you to, either. Okay?" Pansy nodded, keeping her eyes on him after he had withdrawn his hand.

"Who do you want to go first?" Draco said, softly. The last thing he wanted was to argue so he adapted a much gentler approach than he would have done a couple of years ago. He had grown up, a lot.

"You," Pansy said, though she sounded worried. Draco cleared his throat and kept his voice quiet. It wasn't a conversation he wished for anyone to overhear for both of their sakes.

"Okay," Draco began. "This is my way of seeing things... We had some kind of feelings for each other from such a young age. Like, thirteen? It was great, Pansy, what we had was good. When we were young." She was watching him intently and he was trying to word things carefully. He couldn't hack it if she cried, he didn't know if he had the patience. "I'm not saying we didn't have some really good times. And the reason I broke up with you in sixth year - well, you know why. I had serious shit going on, Pansy. Serious shit. A relationship was the last thing on my mind whether it be with you or anybody. That was a tough year for me and in the end..." He broke off, not knowing whether to say what was on his mind or not. But Pansy spoke before he got a chance.

"But that's over now. We were in love, Draco. We could have tried. We could try again." Draco disagreed, but kept his mouth shut. If he told her he'd never loved her it would destroy her. He couldn't do that. "When we were together I didn't think about anything else. When we made love it was like -"

"Wha - wait. Pansy, we were kids," he couldn't bite his tongue at these words. "I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but we didn't make love. We shagged. We fucked. We did not make love."

Pansy's eyes began to swim with tears, as Draco had feared. He was being so hard on her but it was the only way he could get through. "Are you saying that it meant nothing to you?" Pansy said, choking up.

"It didn't mean nothing." Draco paused, putting his hands to his head and closing his eyes. He didn't know what to say. "It... I'm really sorry, Pans, I don't think it meant half as much to me as it did to you." His words were hurting her. She swallowed hard, and forced herself to continue to listen. A tear slid down her cheek. "Sometimes you were a bit too full on, I felt suffocated. How old were we when we got together, fifteen?"

"I was. You were fourteen," Pansy whispered, still struggling to take in his words.

"Exactly," Draco said, as though this proved his point. "Too young... Anyway, I've said enough. Speak to me, now. Please."

Pansy sniffed and then turned to face him. "Draco, you were everything to me. But, to be honest, I don't know why I'm crying now. What you just said didn't shock me."

Draco looked at her, inquisitively.

"Draco, I knew I didn't mean half as much to you as you did to me. I'm not stupid. Did you think I didn't realise? Honestly? Sometimes I would feel so small, so pathetic. All I wanted was for you to love me and I couldn't make that happen. You didn't love me Draco, did you?"

Draco looked down at the floor. He wasn't the best at taking home truths and he had never really considered how he was making her feel. It would have been easy to lie and tell her that he had loved her, but he wasn't a coward any more, he wasn't the silly schoolboy he had been. He shook his head slowly. Pansy said nothing, she just cried silently. She had always known but to have him confirm it was just horrible. After a long silence she said "Then why Draco? Why didn't you end it sooner? You were stringing me along!"

Draco said nothing. The more she spoke, the more of a dick he felt.

"Was it for the sex?" she shot at him. He looked up at her, a defiant look in his eye.

"No!" he said, defensively, looking away from her again. "Pansy, I was immature. I didn't think about your feelings. I was a complete dick. But I was not using you for sex. So many people think I'm that kind of guy. You know I'm not!" He couldn't hide the fact that her words had offended him but he couldn't deny that he deserved them.

Pansy couldn't look at him. He was right, she knew he wasn't like that, although it was what many people expected of him. He'd always had this reputation for being a bit of a womaniser. Pansy wasn't actually sure where that came from. He was a flirt, yes, but he didn't use people, he could actually be quite sensitive at times, though he tried hard not to show it. Draco was seriously agitated now, rubbing his head with his hands in frustration. It was so obvious how much he'd hurt her but it was the only way to get through to her. As she couldn't bare to look at him, he could not bring himself to look at her.

"Pansy," he said in a low voice, after several minutes of silence. "I want us to be friends -"

"Friends?!" Pansy shrieked back at him. The last remaining few in the common room looked round at the pair. "Do you understand, Draco? Do you understand how much I loved you?" Draco closed his eyes, wishing he could be anywhere in the world but there. He was not good at this kind of thing. Heart to hearts. Discussions about feelings. Emotional confrontations. Whatever category this fitted into, he was most certainly not good at it.

"Yes," he said, hoarsely.

"Draco," Pansy whispered, a sense of desperation in her voice. Tears were streaming down her face. "How cou - why - all I ever did was love you." She sounded exhausted, as though loving him had just about finished her off. Draco looked round at her and their eyes met. As much as she irritated him he didn't like to see her cry, his conscience squirmed.

"I'm sorry," he said, sincerely. "I'm really, really sorry. I never intended to hurt you."

Pansy's silent tears turned into audible sobs as the final people in their company made their way to their dormitories. Draco scooted along the sofa attentively and pulled her towards him. It was probably the last thing she wanted right now but he couldn't think of anything else to do. He felt so awkward. If he'd known this was how their adolescent relationship would end up, he wouldn't have bothered. Much to his surprise she caved and let herself succumb to his hug.

They stayed there on the sofa for a while. Pansy sobbed into Draco's chest and he sat, with his arms around her, staring straight ahead. He wondered whether the fact that he couldn't stop thinking about Astoria right now made him a terrible person. Then he remembered everything else he'd done and decided that that probably wasn't one of the greatest crimes he'd committed.

After about ten minutes, Pansy let out a big sniff and pulled herself away from him. He was relieved.

"Thank you for being honest," she whispered.

"I owed it to you," Draco said, feeling rather uncomfortable that she was thanking him for telling her that he had never loved her.

"Well, I'm going to go to bed," she informed him, standing and making her way towards the dormitory staircase.

"Goodnight," Draco said, his voice still hoarse.

"Goodnight, Draco," Pansy said, softly. As she turned and started to make her way down the stairs she whispered under her breath so that only she could hear "I love you," and wiping away her tears, she made her way to her room.

Draco let out a huge sigh of relief. He leant back into the sofa and banged his head frustratedly, several times, on the flagged stone wall behind him. All he could do was hope he never had to have another conversation reminiscent of that one, ever again.