Chapter Seven - He Said, She Said
Author's Notes: I don't know, except I need a vacation. A long one.
It took me till this chapter that I realized that I don't know where half the plot is. I'll find it eventually
Warnings: Wow, uh… me giving Naruto a suprise.
Disclaimer: I don't own the comedians mentioned… though, George Carlin as my grandfather would have been the COOLEST thing ever. I obviously don't own HBO, and yeah, no Naruto. If I missed something, I don't own it. BUT, if you want to give me a '65 stingray Corvette, it would be much appreciated.
Rating: T – For, A lot of foul language, and some other things. Wahoo.
Chapter Seven – He Said, She Said
The blonde slammed the door shut in his wake, waiting for the raven monster to come around and drive him to his death – hopefully.
The raven opened the door and climbed in, digging the key into the ignition and letting the car roar to life.
Naruto eyed the dashboard with a repressed alarm look, "Why do you have a car built for racing?"
Sasuke eyed the flips and switches, the extra gages that really shouldn't be there that were mounted, and the ever popular red button.
The raven shrugged, "We bought it from someone who obviously raced."
Sasuke pulled away from the curb with a board-as-hell, kill-me-now look while Naruto continued on.
"First off, you don't have racing tires on your car, so I hope you haven't been using your spray, and secondly, what in the fuck did you do to your muffler?" Naruto said in one whoosh of a breath.
"What?"
Sure, Sasuke wasn't a morning person, but this was really testing him.
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea?
Sasuke turned to stare at Naruto while the blonde was shifting through his glove box, yeah, no, it really wasn't. Sasuke was going to eventually kill him. Nice legs and looking good in a skirt doesn't cover for annoyance.
"- so if I could just take a look…"
Sasuke blinked, his mental musing had muted Naruto, which had to be some type of feat, and missed everything the blonde said.
"Look at what?"
"Your shit-tastic radio, its pretty shotty. The installation work is poorly done too."
"Do you know how much I paid to get that installed?" Sasuke growled.
"Oh geez, did you spend all your allowance on it Sasu-tan? Poor baby."
"Don't push me, remember…?"
"Just because I'm telling you the truth about your radio? Not to mention it sounds like there is a unicorn taking a shit in your muffler."
"Excuse me?" Sasuke asked while he took his eyes off the road to give the most disgusted face he could muster to the blonde.
"Dane Cook?"
"Who?"
"He's a stand-up comic."
"A what?"
"Figured you wouldn't know what comedy is. Anyone? Dane Cook, Jeff Dunham, Ralphie May, Mitch Hedberg, Richard Pryor, George Carlin…?" Naruto rambled his favorite stand-up
comedians.
"George Carlin I've heard."
"There's hope for you yet."
Sasuke didn't mention that it was for five seconds, when passing through a room because his brother was watching an HBO special.
Sasuke pulled into the secluded parking lot of the all girl's school, noting how the girls instantly turned after seeing Sasuke's raven-blue hair waving in the gentle breeze; however they instantly turned murderous after seeing Naruto sitting next to him in his car.
"…and you know this is a classic. '65 was a prime damn year, you need to take care of this baby."
"What in the hell are you going on about, still?"
"How much I hate you, how I'd wish you'd get run over by a truck, how gay you truly are, and how fucking stupid your hair looks," Naruto dared.
Blink. Well if that wasn't a first.
"Look you blonde son-of-a-"
"Naru-chaaan!" Sakura called obnoxiously from across the parking lot making the two boys turn.
"Smile, dobe." Sasuke reminded.
"Oh I know. Because I can't spell 'slaughter' without 'laughter'. Douche bag."
"Are you fucking threatening me?"
"No, fuck face, I'm just dreaming out loud," Naruto said through a whispered growl as he yanked the car door open and stepped out as his friends fast approached.
Sakura hushed a girlish whisper that held suppressed glee, "Holy shit, Naru-chan! You bagged Sasuke-kun."
"Oh how I wish…" Naruto muttered to himself as he pictured Sasuke stuffed after the blonde had hunted the bastard in the wild.
That was the 'bagged' he was wishing for.
Sasuke walked up to Naruto's side and wrapped his hand around the blonde's waist.
This is the 'bagged' he got.
Talk about bullshit.
Sasuke on the other hand couldn't believe how well Naruto was already working for keeping the other girls away, the girls acting like the blonde was some plague, but glaring like 'she' was some type of beast that must be hunted.
Sasuke found it hilarious.
Naruto began with the speech he had already prepared for the girl, "I wanted to apologize for Ka-kun, my brother can be so rude to my friends. He finds it amusing to scare them away."
"Must run in the family…" Ino mused while walking up next to Sakura, sharing her thoughts about Naruto's father.
Naruto flushed while he tried to hopelessly get out of the grasp of the oddly possessive Uchiha, "Sorry about my father too."
Hinata had been standing next to Sakura, "No need to apologize."
"So, Sasuke-kun-" Sakura tried to began.
"We should be heading to our meeting," Hinata interrupted.
The rest of the group stared at the girl who was smiling politely, Naruto giving her a look of thanks and admiration. He'd be getting the hell away from Sasuke.
"Oh yeah, Naru-chan, you can stay if-"
"I'll come!" Naruto quickly interrupted with his eyes wide and frantic.
"It's just a council meeting. Duties and stuff, deciding some things. Are you sure?"
Sakura – President.
Ino – Vice President.
Hinata – Secretary.
Well look who took of the Junior year.
Talk about creepy.
Sakura flicked her eyes back and forth between the couple in front of her.
Something wasn't right.
Sasuke released the blonde, who instantly stumbled once the vice grip had been released, and Naruto suddenly got the first mental smack, as well as physical, of a very personal war.
Sasuke smirked after releasing the blonde, knowing the whole school was watching, and whipped his hand forward with a snap on the blonde's ass causing Naruto to yelp.
The blonde stumbled forward with a squeak, before he turned around at the sound of many giggles and a stinging sensation, holding his buttocks with both hands and a mutinous glare.
"Have fun in school princess. I'll see in you in a few hours."
What a bastard.
Sakura and Ino had already started walking off, pretending they didn't see it for Naruto's sake while Hinata held back to wait for the blonde who was still rubbing his rather sore backside.
Hinata was tugging at Naruto's shirt and teasing the blonde's hair to make sure it fell in the right place, the two walking away from the smirking raven, before the girl began to mumble so only they two could hear.
"You need to be more careful Naruto-kun, or else your wig might fall off."
Naruto snapped his head around, "What did you say?"
Sasuke stepped out of his car immediately after cutting the engine, reaching back and grabbing his bag to drag along with him.
"You missed council duties. I had to cover for you."
Sasuke – President.
Shikamaru, believe it or not – Vice President.
Odd couple.
"You actually did work?"
"Did I have a choice?"
"You're smart; you could have thought of some clever way to get out of it."
Shikamaru eyed his friend, "What took you so long?"
"Nothing happened."
"Did you molest her?" Shikamaru made sure the teasing was apparent in his voice.
"She nagged me to death about my car and how I was going to burn the clutch, apparently I don't shift right." Sasuke rubbed his right temple with his index finger.
"Uchiha, have you ever driven a car that's stick?" Shikamaru asked him with a bored look mixed with some type of amusement.
"Nope."
"So why did you take the Corvette that's obviously a stick?"
"I wanted too."
"Liar."
Sasuke glared.
Shikamaru stared up at the sky and ignored his best friend.
"Are you going to nag me too?" Sasuke sighed.
"Don't I always?"
"Get to the point." Sasuke huffed.
"I'll figure out a way to get us all home, okay. Let's get to class."
"So, you never told me how you tracked her down." Shikamaru started as the two exited the school at the end of the day.
Students around them were running to leave, yelling and bellowing out to each other over something of unimportance, while Shikamaru and Sasuke were walking and mumbling towards the parking lot.
"Tsunade."
"That old bitch?" The spiky-boy's face instantly contracted into distaste.
"You still don't like her?"
"Last time I checked, you weren't fond of her either." Shikamaru grumbled.
"True, but she adores me."
"Yeah, she hasn't gotten you suspended eight times."
"Smoker." Sasuke reminded with a tease. The raven wasn't one to enjoy a cigarette.
"Homo."
"Excuse me?" The raven asked with a quirked eyebrow.
"So how did you get Tsunade to give you her address?" Shikamaru had to admit, he was genuinely curious.
"Well, she still adores Itachi, for some unknown reason, so I played the 'I'm his brother' card."
"What did you tell her exactly?"
"That we got off on the wrong foot," A dark smirk grew on Sasuke's face, "and I wanted to make everything right between us. I felt that it was my fault and I needed to apologize."
"Why do you have that look?"
"What look?"
"The 'I just got away with murder' look. You're hiding more than your homosexuality."
Sasuke glared, "Would you drop that!?"
"Speak of your cover story, the girls are here." The boy nodded his head, letting his hair bob lightly in the movement.
Sasuke snapped his head away from his friend, they were just a few feet away from Sasuke's car when Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and Naruto pulled into the parking lot and filed out of their respective cars.
Ino skipped along, her skirt flailing and her hair flapping. Hinata on the other hand, was pale and shaky, taking desperate steps away from Ino's car.
Sakura was smiling broadly, talking loudly to the other three girls just as Naruto was climbing out of the car with a face as though he has just enjoyed a bout of sex.
The blonde was glowing, grinning a sultry grin, and his eyes were half lidded as he stared back.
The raven rolled his eyes.
The blonde was giving Sakura's car one last longing look as the four trotted towards the two boys.
The blonde couldn't exactly explain his feelings towards the car, but if he wasn't posing as a girl, attending an all girl's privet school to win the heart of his secret crush; he'd walk right up to that car and hump it.
Yeah, he'd go there.
Hell, he'd give it a nice love tap on the ass too if it wouldn't earn him a lot of weird looks.
"Remember, Naruto-kun, smile," Hinata reminded him lightly.
The blonde turned away from the car to be faced with Sasuke and his all-to-bored looking friend, and suddenly realized that the smile was more like an ache in his face than anything else.
Forcing a smile is so much more work.
"Hi, Sasuke-kun! Hey, Nara-senpai!" Sakura called even though they were ten feet away from each other.
Ino snorted, "Hey Shi-chan!"
"Damn you woman! Must you in public!?"
Two life long friends growing up next door to each other.
Ino adored it.
Shikamaru hated it.
The raven edged away from Shikamaru knowing exactly what was coming, seeing the attack so many times before having grown up with the two of them, and watched as Ino pounced onto Shikamaru causing the teen to stumble back into the Stingray with a resounding bang.
No dent - luckily.
"Temari-chan said you two were 'getting to know each other'," Ino started, still latched on to the teen.
Shikamaru wiggled his arm helplessly in the vice-like grasp of the younger girl, "Yeah…And?"
"No reason. 'Bout time your frigid ass loosened up."
"Why so quiet, dobe?" Sasuke commented after sneaking his way to the blonde's side and snaking his arm onto his shoulder, instantly causing the hair and the back of Naruto's neck
to rise.
"No reason, teme."
Naruto's blue eyes flicked over to Hinata who was standing quietly by his side watching the spectacle between Ino and Shikamaru.
"Is it because…" Sasuke let his hand coast down Naruto's back in what looked like a soothing manner until his hand landed on the blonde's left ass cheek, and gave it a gentle squeeze making the blonde stifle a yelp.
"What I did this morning?" Sasuke finally finished.
Naruto turned his blazing blue eyes at the raven to snap at him, say something rude and crude before Shikamaru stopped him before he could even open his mouth.
"Uchiha! Grab the woman and let's fucking go!"
Poor boy, still trying to shake off Ino from his arm.
Sasuke gave Naruto's waiting left cheek another tap in the direction of the Corvette, leaving the blonde to quickly scramble forward out of reach of the bastards' hand.
This couldn't be happening.
Kiba pulled his cell phone out of his pocket after hearing the ring tone scream at him, his paces slowing as he made his way home from school; thankful he didn't have to go and pick up Naruto.
He knew something good was going to come out of that homo, pale, weird-haired guy roping Naruto into pretending to be his girlfriend.
Not to mention it was downright humorous.
Kiba stared at the screen on his phone.
Message.
It could only be from Naruto.
The teen flipped his phone open, clicking a button to read the message.
Message from Naruto:
'Find a place…'
Kiba stopped walking and pulled his face back from the phone.
Sasuke had obviously converted Naruto into being gay, and quicker than Kiba had expected.
His phone started wailing once more, a ring tone yelling at him and the word 'Message' flashing on the screen once more.
Kiba clicked the button again.
Message from Naruto:
'...to bury this fuck's body.'
The teen laughed, still standing in the middle of the sidewalk two blocks away from his own house. He was mentally debating taking this back to blonde's house and showing it to
Kakashi for the older man to enjoy, but simply texted him back.
'Why?'
Send.
Naruto flipped open his phone after he heard more than felt the phone vibrate and quickly went to his message.
'I'll have to tell you when I get home.'
Send.
"Talking to your other boyfriend, Naru-chan?" Shikamaru teased from the driver's seat.
Naruto huffed, "I wish. At least that bastard would be smart enough to drive a bigger car."
Sasuke managed a glare at the back right side of Naruto's head while the blonde was perched in his lap. Naruto's skirt was politely tucked underneath him and his knees were rammed up against the dash in the confining area. The blonde tried to cross his lean tan legs as best he could in the cramped area, but between the limited space, and the ball crunching
ministrations; he simply left them to stay open a little.
"Fat-ass," Sasuke reminded the blonde again.
Even though the raven was all for taking Naruto home just to annoy the blonde, he wasn't exactly thinking about Naruto having to sit on his lap, because he wasn't technically thinking at all.
Sakura had offered a ride, but no, that wasn't good enough. Sasuke didn't even think about where Naruto was going to be sitting when he told Naruto that Sakura wasn't going to be taking him home, nope, just about how hilarious the dobe looked when he attempted to glare.
So Sasuke had to endure the weight of the blonde as he sat on his lap, occasionally squirming for comfort, which would make the raven snap at him.
The blonde began squirming, shuffling his buttocks as his knees began to cramp for the umpteenth time in such a short car ride.
What the blonde failed to realize was he was grinding his ass right onto Sasuke's crotch.
"Would you sit still," Sasuke hissed with a slight warning.
"What's the big damn deal, teme? I'm just trying to get comfortable. We're almost at my house anyway."
Sasuke leaned his head forward, resting his chin on the blonde's shoulder, his lips instantly tickling the shell of the blonde's ear.
"Tell me dobe, if something grinded on you, what would happen?"
Tick-Tock. One Second.
Tick-Tock. Two Seconds.
Naruto's scream could be heard where Kiba had begun walking again two blocks away, as if his best friend was next to him.
"Ah, that's why we're burying him."
Author's Note's: My sponsor doesn't listen to much comedy, so last time we went out shopping together, I took my Dane Cook CD. So, it just gave me something to add after I realized I had that CD memorized…poor woman.
Also: I'm eventually going to put this 'General, Romance' again. I realized I can't be funny all the time and it wouldn't be fair if I kept it as 'Humor' when I can't keep it up to snuff.
Quick update because I'm starting school Monday, and I don't know when I'm going to be able to fall back into my regular routine of updating again.
