a/n: Yay, a new chapter! It's been the craziest month for me with changing jobs and what not. I was working an upwards of 80 hour weeks for a moment, and even eating was touch and go there. But here it is, the new chapter. I hope it was worth the wait.

Also, thank you to everyone who followed, faved and reviewed. There were some of the most amazing reviews and I really wanted to reply but I also really wanted to give you another chapter. I do appreciate them all. Even more so, I appreciate my beta, RavenclawPianist, who had such a great turnaround time with this, and I couldn't be more grateful for that. Without further ado…

Help Requested

"A… presentation?" It's Monday night and Killian calls her after laying Ellie down. Just 24 hours ago she was helping him do so, but she's in the comforts of her own bed now, alone, realizing that the loneliness isn't so comfortable anymore.

It's been official for three weeks, they've known each other for about two months on the grand scale, but it's official now, and wonderful, and god, so fucking great. She loves dating him, despite still not being so great at it.

"Aye, in England." And he sounds distant, and she wonders if it's because he's thinking of the distance, thinking of spanning the distance and cutting ties here.

(It's irrational, but despite the happy sphere she's living in, she finds there is always room for that.)

"What does that mean?"

"It means…well, it means I have to be in England by Thursday."

"When will you be back?"

"Sunday." He doesn't hesitate to answer and she likes that, the strength in which he knows he'll be back. It sorta sends the irrationality out of her space. "Emma, I messed up."

(And it's right back there.)

"What?"

"I was supposed to get Ellie's passport eons ago. I dropped the bloody ball and now she can't come away with me." He sounds so devastated, but she still finds reassurance that this is the mess up, not something else. "We've never parted for that long, or that far. I'll have to have Belle or Ella keep her and we have so many last minute preparations for her birthday in the next month."

"Let me help." She offers, because after a minute of reveling in reassurance, his voice still stands cold and defeated in her ear. She finds she absolutely hates the sound. "Maybe I can keep Ellie while you're gone. I spend every weekend with you guys anyway."

And she'd miss her just as much as Killian.

She loves Ellie, like just really, truly loves this little girl to pieces. She loves her when she's tired, and starts acting a bit whiny, and she loves her when she first wakes up in the morning and is so sweetly gentle and affectionate. She loves when it's the middle of the weekend, and they're at the park playing and at any given moment, their eyes meet and Ellie smiles at her like she matters. She looks for her, and finds her, and there is this sudden second of relief, like if she wasn't there, it would matter.

She's never felt like her presence really mattered until now.

"Swan, I couldn't ask you to do that."

"But you could ask someone else? Besides, you didn't ask. I offered. I mean, if you trust me with her, I want to keep her."

"Of course I trust you. She'd prefer you, I'm sure. It's just…" his sigh is so slow and pained, it's troubling. "It's just, she gets separation anxiety. The… the counselor says she's suffering from the loss, struggling to understand death at an age where children barely understand full sentences."

"She understands full novels, Killian."

"I know that. What I'm saying is, she can't adapt to the idea that people will come back if they leave for too long."

"And… Anna never returning doesn't help." He's quiet about his relationship with his sister, but she asked one night about the redheaded girl in the picture frames on the mantle and he spilled little secrets of his adolescence and estranged relationship with someone he once considered himself close to.

And it pissed Emma off. She's tired of hearing about people who've left him, them. It makes no sense and it seems unfair that so many want to have family like Killian and Ellie and people keep tossing them away.

(She reminds herself of that whenever the urge to run whispers to her through the gentle breeze-blown curtains in his bedroom on late nights.)

"No, it doesn't." He exhales something awful and discouraged. "The first time we skyped with her, Ellie asked if we could skype her mommy and daddy next. We're in a constant state of adjustment, Emma. It's not just a grieving process, Ellie is developing every day, and with new developments comes a deeper understanding. She can't articulate it, but she thinks distance for extended periods of time means death. Three days without me, across the harbor and sea…"

"Killian, let me keep her."

"She's going to get like that, she's going to be fussy, and whiny. She's the love of my life, the joy of my existence, but she's four and sometimes she's demanding and needy and I don't know if you want to take that on."

"I do."

"You're sure?"

"Positive."

"Stay here then? I'll leave you my car, you won't have to fuss with the car seat, I'll leave you my card, you can order take out every night for all I care, just make sure she doesn't eat a pint on her own each night I'm away."

"That's awfully demanding for a man who 'couldn't ask that of me' a moment ago." He chuckles in reply, but says nothing more for the moment.

It gives her time to contemplate how much she's willing to do for these two already, how she might be in too deep but somehow she feels happy about it.

"I wish you were here." It's a whisper of words, and she's not sure what brought it on exactly, but she thinks they moved from her heart to his mouth, because she feels the same way entirely.

"Why, so you can fight me on this in person?"

"So I can thank you for this… in person." His tone shakes her bones. She feels a tremor in her thighs and realizes just how much she prefers his bed to her own these days. "My flight leaves Wednesday. Maybe you should stay over tomorrow night. For… purposes."

"Maybe I should."

-/-

The next night she does.

She comes over with a bag of clothes spanning until Monday morning. She also brought a 'good luck' gift for Killian, but he'll unwrap that later.

When he opens the door, he reeks of exhaustion and worry. It's not ideal, and certainly not the most sexy way she's seen him, but it makes their dynamic seem more real than it has until now.

She thinks she's only ever seen him at his best, and no this doesn't exactly look like the worst he can get, but it's more raw than he's been with her, and she finds herself falling more and more for him because of it.

"What's going on?" She whispers against his cheek when he wraps her in his arms for a brief but desperate hug. It's when he grabs her bag from her and walks out of the entry way and back toward his room that she gets to see for first hand what's troubling him.

Ellie's standing by the couch, teetering on antsy feet. Her eyes are wet, her nose bright red and her hair around her face looks like it's been shellacked on with furniture glue.

"Oh, Ellie." Emma sighs, moving toward the kid as quickly as she can. "Oh you look miserable."

"I am." She whimpers, locking her arms around Emma's neck and burying her face into Emma's shoulder. A few short sobs slip out, breaking Emma's heart in the process.

"You're not excited to see me?"

"Yeah!" She argues bouncing ruggedly on her ankles.

"Oh, okay." Because honestly? Emma has no idea how to handle Ellie when she's like this, and maybe she did sign up for something she's not ready for, but it's too late to back out now. And the way Ellie's little fingers curl at Emma's scalp, twining tight in her hair like if she doesn't hold on she'll be left makes her want to stay that much more.

"Eloise?" He sounds frustrated behind them, and it's not his normal tone taken when it comes to his 'love bug' so Emma's reluctant to release Ellie. She doesn't want things getting worse.

"I'm not his friend Emma. Don't be his friend right now." Ellie warns in her loudest 'whisper' ever.

"We don't have to be friends." He replies before walking off with loud, angry steps toward the kitchen.

"Why aren't we his friend?" Emma actually whispers in response.

"'Cause he's leaving us. And he promised me he'd never do that. He's not being good right now. He's being very not good." Ellie explains with pouty lips and tearful eyes as she pulls away to meet Emma's eyes for a 'serious' conversation. "He's going across the ocean."

"But he's coming back." Emma reminds her as gently as she can.

"What if he doesn't?" She squeaks and before Emma feels a familiar burning in her own eyes as she chokes back emotion.

"Ellie, hey, don't…don't think like that."

"Sometimes when people go away they don't come back."

"He's coming home."

"No one ever does." It's a blade in her gut. She thinks back to the conversation she had with Killian last night, and although he touched on the sadness Ellie carries, she sort of brushed it off because she's never seen it. But here it is, glaringly obvious, out in the open and ready to claim the both of them now.

She doesn't know what to say to her, because she knows there's too much truth in the statement to argue against it now. There's not a doubt in her mind that Killian will come home, but she's not in that logical part of her mind right now. She's knee deep in the same broken abandoned crawlspace at the bottom of her heart that Ellie's in.

She's only ever saw Ellie as the girl she could have been, had she stayed with one goddamn family over the years. It's heartbreaking to see the girl Emma truly is reflected in those same damp blue eyes.

"Ellie?" Killian calls from the kitchen, apparently not hearing the conversation because he doesn't sound troubled anymore. "Love Bug, come eat so we can go to the store please."

"NO!" Ellie shouts back in reply. "I'm not hungry Uncle Kilo!"

"Elo-" his words stop short, followed up by the same loud, angry steps he took to get to the kitchen in the first place.

"No, I am not talking to you anymo-" Ellie tries to shout but falls short when her voice cracks and a sob breaks.

"Stop it." He exhales, swinging down to lift her into his arms. She doesn't hold up the fight for a second, curling herself tight in his embrace. "I'm not against you, lovey, I'm with you. I'm yours and you are mine and I'll be back before you realize it."

"Don't go!" she cries into his shoulder. "I love you so so much!"

"I love you more." The second sigh is hoarse, something so devastating Emma feels tears crawling to her jaw before the drop. "I love you more than anything in this world, how could I not come running back the very second I can? How could I ever live without my love bug? Never."

"Never?"

"Without you, Eloise? Never." He promises. "But enough about me leaving, I'm so sad I don't get to hang out with you and Emma all weekend. How much fun is that going to be?" He turns to Emma, ready to smile and encourage her to jump in when he sees the tears. His eyes widen in concern, but he keeps his voice even for Ellie. "What's the first thing you want to do?"

"A fishtail!" Ellie lifts her head up to watch her uncle, the sadness falling away with each tear he delicately wipes from her face.

"Always a fishtail with you." He laughs.

"Yeah, 'cause Ms. Nova always makes a fishy face when I go to school with it."

"Does she? Can I see what it looks like?" Ellie nods and proceeds to suck in her cheeks and pucker her lips like hurt never happened. Emma wishes she was this resilient because she's still holding back emotions, still wiping away at her tears. "What a cute fish you make."

"Thanks. Now you make one." Ellie challenges and Killian obeys, and Emma thinks maybe she just lost her heart to him for real because he's perfect.

Not just 'adorable when making fishy faces' perfect, but completely perfect. He's an amazing father, a fantastic cook, he's so clean, so organized and that's just things any girl looks for. Emma looks a little deeper, at how after solving conflict, he redirects, never before, never when it matters, when someone needs to talk about it. She sees how he's considerate and understanding to a fault, and how he cares with his whole heart, not just pieces of his mind when worry is triggered. He's perfect…gorgeous, great and perfect.

"Cute!" Ellie compliments with a loud giggle. She wants to know how he does it, how he makes Ellie forget she was ever upset, how he does the same for her when her bones ache to run. He's just… perfect.

-/-

He made her drive his truck to the store while he sits and backseat drives from the passenger seat.

"There's nothing wrong with my car," the argument continues as he's setting Ellie in a freshly sanitized cart(which Emma takes note on because she would have never thought to do the same).

"It's stolen." He laughs without even looking at her.

She's forgotten that night, curled up in his arms and he asked for just one tiny little secret about the life she's so desperate to hide from him. Of all the things she could have said, she told him the one that hurts the least to talk about.

"Hey!" With a smack to his arm, he pays her a glance full of mirth and mischief.

"Love, you're a wonderful driver, you just have a terrible car and I don't particularly want Ellie in it." And she wants to take offense, but he tugs at her wrist and pulls her to walk between his arms as he pushes the cart, and Ellie's looking up at her as she plays with her braid happily.

And they feel so good together, the three of them, that she thinks maybe a stolen car isn't worth more than this.

"I like your car, Emma. It's blonde like us."

-/-

Do you want anything in particular?" He asks after getting the staples. He's leading them down the frozen food section and she slowly strolls through pushing Ellie's cart and enjoying the moment.

"You know me so well." She smirks as he opens a freezer door, dropping three pints of ice cream into the basket. "But I think I want something snacky… like I have this weird craving for French onion dip and raw broccoli."

"You? Vegetables?"

"Don't tease me, I really really want that right now." He fixes her with a curious stare but she shrugs at him, throwing her hands down and blaming it on 'PMS, probably.'

It's enough to get him off her case as he walks them toward produce for the second time this trip.

It's not enough to get her mind off of it though.

-/-

He asks her if she needs tampons before they reach check out, and she thinks he's just flaunting the fact that he's perfect now and completely willing to purchase them for her… but his eyes flicker with something different. He watches her like he's testing her and she says yes in a panic followed by 'should be starting any time.'

But she's two weeks late. And somehow, no matter how many times she looks at Ellie's face to soothe the panic like she always does, the panic still rises like bile in her throat.

-/-

She feels his arm wrap around her waist, opening her eyes to find the time glaring '10:13p,' on his bedside alarm clock. He said he was going to lay with Ellie for a bit, make sure she was sleeping soundly and she agreed wholeheartedly. She'd want to do the same thing.

"I must have dozed off a bit after my story." He presses an apology in the form of a kiss to her shoulder. "I'm here now, sorry to have kept you waiting."

"Don't be." She yawns, turning to meet him. "I fell asleep the minute I laid down. I've been so exhausted lately."

"Damn villains of Boston getting the best of you Love?"

"Villains? Okay, calm down a bit. I haven't actually left the office for any action all month."

"What about that special, top secret case you've been working on?"

"What about that extra special, top secret present I brought you tonight? Can we work on that instead?" She counters as smugly as she can for a girl who just woke up from a nap. Showing works better than telling in her case, as she tugs down the sheets to reveal exactly what she brought him.

"Fuck" comes tumbling from his lips with a breath shallow enough to stroke her ego and lick at her with flames of desire. His fingers timidly trace the lace of her pink nighty, slowly, calculatedly following the sculpt of her breast. "You're so perfect."

She finds she has no control over her hands when he's around. She has no clue when they reached for him, fingers combing through his hair and gripping him closer to her. She has no control over the way they kiss either, he dominates in a way too sexy to challenge.

He doesn't tear his lips from hers as he climbs on top of her, he doesn't pull away for a second. He so full of devotion, as if he's just coming home, not about to leave, and it shouldn't feel like this. It shouldn't be so perfect every time he touches her, every time he looks at her, but it is.

It's flawless, so skillfully accurate to what she wants and needs. Especially times like these, when he knows better than to take his time because she's too desperate already to wait and as ready as she could possibly get for him in seconds. He's kissing her with fervor as he works her thong down her legs.

"So wet," he whispers as he catches his breath before diving back in. She feels his lips curl against hers when she breaks the kiss in a moan only seconds later, when his fingers are sliding through the slickness she's now harboring between her legs for him.

She doesn't want to talk, because that requires thought and it's times like these where she likes to shut her brain off and just feel him.

"Tell me what you need."

But she doesn't want to talk.

"Please, Love. I want to hear you. You know what it does to me. Tell me what you need."

"You." She breathes as she works her hips toward his hand, thrusting to get his fingers to slip inside of her.

"Yeah?"

She only nods as he thrust his fingers deeper inside of her. It's embarrassing how easily they're sliding in, how positively wet she is for him. But she can't think about that when he's nibbling at her collarbone and proving just how well he knows her.

They've been intimate for about a month now, but it feels like it's a mixture of a lifetime and the very first time every time they come together.

He stalls her hips with his other hand as she continues to fuck herself on his fingers.

"S'that how you want to come, Swan?" She won't deny the paralyzing need to climax, but he's right. This isn't how she wants to get there. She shakes her head, reaching for the waistband of his sweats. He grips her jaw as she does, bringing them both to meet in the middle as his other hand slips from her. She's not distracted enough by the kiss to miss the feeling of loss, but just distracted enough to miss him swiping the pillow from beneath her head.

It isn't until she falls back down on the mattress that she notices.

Now he's kicking off his sweats and lifting her hips to slip the pillow beneath them.

"What are you doing?" She laughs breathlessly as he lines himself at her entrance.

(They've done away with condoms after the first failed attempt. She's on birth control anyway.)

(Not that she's sure that makes any difference now)

"Making you cum." With that he slides in slow but so deep she's keening before he's bottomed out. "Shh." He hushes before covering her mouth with his. When he finally reaches the hilt, she thinks she's lost her ability to feel anything but him inside of her. All thoughts of anything else are gone from her. It's just the feel of him and her need to thrust back up to meet him with mind-numbing abandon.

And he lets her, lets her lead for the first few minutes, as long as she keeps her mouth to his, keeps herself quiet. But it gets so good, as he cups her breast, pinching at the nipple. She tears her lips away to gasp.

He gasps too, saying something about how she barely fits in his hands anymore, about how perfect her body is, and it just keeps getting better every time she shares it with him.

(She pretends she doesn't notice a change in size)

He gasps about how wet hearing him talk makes her, how he can feel her growing 'so fucking damp' and when he says it, says he 'fucking loves it' the way his hoarse voice sounds is enough to make her moan again. Killian leans back, resting on his knees and jerking her hips forward, thrusting that much deeper into her. She trembles fighting back her natural response to cry out.

"You've gotta be quiet, Swan." He grins before tugging his shirt off like some romance novelist's muse and tossing it to her. "Bite down if you can't hold it in."

She wants to laugh, but his next thrust steals her breath.

"Touch yourself for me, Love." She wonders what her trembling feels like to him, if he can feel her quake around him when he talks to her.

"Do it for me." She sweetly suggests, combing her fingers down his chest.

"And what will you do for me?"

"Cum." She assumes that's more than enough, with how eagerly he moves his thumb to her lip, wetting it on the moistness there before using it to worship her clit. The sensation is enough to destroy her. Like some sort of possession is taking place, her spine arches as he continues thrusting and rubbing and breathing something so sinisterly heavy she feels like speaking in tongues.

It takes seconds, maybe, before she's clenching, toes curling, teeth digging so deeply into her bottom lip she thinks she's drawn blood. It's a challenge being quiet, but for him she finds a way.

She thinks he may be even louder than she when he comes a minute later, grunting, groaning and weeping 'Oh, Emma.'

She's barely conscious for longer than a minute, but she feels him pull her to his chest as he lays beside her, feels these soft little circles being brushed into her skin, hears him tell her she's too perfect for words.

-/-

When she wakes, it's much more urgent than their usual kisses in the morning or tender touches before getting out of bed. It's getting Ellie off to preschool despite how sad she is. It's getting Killian to the airport and trying to kiss him goodbye without feeling sad on her own.

It's getting herself to her doctor…

Because she's not stupid, and all the signs point south.

She also knows taking a test at home is not the way to go. She's getting a blood test and if it comes back positive, she's getting answers.

He sends her away with a promise to call in a few days with the test results. She thinks it's alright, as long as Killian's still out of town when he calls, it will be just fine.

-/-

She has to do her absolute best to put it out of her mind for the next few days.

Wednesday is a busy day at work when she leaves the doctor. She has August staking out Killian's office constantly to make sure Will isn't up to no good. Killian told her that he couldn't make the trip because he's still on the first year of his visa. A very convincing lie.

It hurts her to know how trusting Killian is, even with liars like Will.

(Even with liars like her.)

(She's not actually doing too well with keeping her mind off it.)

A call comes in at 2pm from Ellie's preschool a voicemail that goes a little like 'Miss Swan, this is Miss Nova at Ellie's school. She's not having a very good day and refused nap. Killian usually picks her up when she gets this way and she's been asking for you. Give us a call when you get this.'

Does she really have a choice? So she finds herself blowing off work the whole day, picking up a cranky Ellie and high tailing it to Granny's. Killian advised her that even four year-olds have days where they need their comfort food.

Sure, the grilled cheese and onion rings do them both wonders, but Emma thinks the hot cocoa to go is what soothes Ellie's sadness. That and the trillion kisses Granny gives her before they leave.

She likes the idea of adopting family members along the way, loves that Ellie may not have living biological grandparents, but she has a grandmother who thinks the world of her. Growing up in the system, Emma always dreamt of being adopted by a family, and it not feeling like adoption at all.

That night Killian calls from London, face times with Ellie and tells her the most amazing bedtime story to date. Ellie doesn't even whimper when it comes time to say goodnight.

He calls back a little while later, tries to coax Emma into a round of phone sex, but it's the middle of the night there and he has a meeting in the morning. He tells her something like 'I should have something of yours' and how he 'sleeps better when she's around.'

She realizes how happy she is to be in his bed, surrounded by the scent of him. Sleep doesn't come easy, but comfort does.

-/-

Thursday is a busy day. Ellie has a cake tasting at four and ballet at six that night, and really really doesn't want to go to school. She doesn't throw a tantrum, so much as sends Emma on a guilt trip.

"I just wanna see your face all day, Emma. I just wanna see your pretty face and know you're here."

And she isn't going to say no to that. She doesn't really say anything with these raw emotions choking her down. She just drives past the school and straight to the office.

She has a near-death experience when Ellie asks why she has a picture of 'Mr. Scar' on her desk and she forgets that she can breathe and panic at the same time. August comes up with a lie fit for a storybook.

"Well, why do you call Mr. Scar that? Because he reminds you of the Lion King right?"

"Yeah, he's the mean brother who pushes Mufasa off the mountain." And then with a tiny gasp "No! Is he gonna push Uncle Kilo off the mountain?"

"Not now he won't, because Emma and I are gonna capture him and send him back to the Serengeti where he belongs." And he moves across the room to her, eyes full of magic and wonder like the stories he weaves "But it's top secret Ellie, and you can't say anything, or else Uncle Kilo might go after him himself, and you know what happened to Mufasa" He pounces at her as she's sitting on the edge of her seat and she lets out the most adorable shriek.

"AHH!" followed by a round of giggles "August, you're silly. Mr. Scar is not really mean, is he?" Emma has to fight the eye roll at her partner before answering Ellie as sincerely as she can for a lie.

"Of course not. He's sitting on my desk because he needs a costume for your coronation and I have a friend who does costuming. Speaking of which, we have a cake tasting before ballet. We better jet, kid."

"Emma? I had no clue you spoke Suburban soccer mom." She doesn't fight herself the second time, rolling her eyes at August as she shuffles Ellie to her feet and out the door.

"Shut up." She hisses on the way out, once Ellie's out of ear shot.

Killian's text matches up with the awning sign reading: Neverland Bakery

The woman behind the counter is a little less spritely than the first to greet them, but very much true to theme.

"Hey Eloise! Are you stoked to be turning five?"

"Yeah, and to be queen." Ellie beams brightly but doesn't remove her hand from Emma's. "This is my Emma. Emma, this is Tinkerbelle."

"Seriously? Like, legally?" She never claimed to be a people person, but the look on 'Tinkerbelle's' face is enough to make her rethink her approach. "Sorry, it's just… I'm still not over my boyfriend running Jolly Roger and asking me to cake taste at a place called Neverland."

"We've been doing business for a few years now. Liam found us one day and thought it was fate, we cater all the maiden voyages." The blonde smiles wider than Ellie at the memory before properly introducing herself. "I'm Tinkerbelle for all marketing purposes, but the business license reads Sage Fernland." And when she extends her thin hand, Emma takes it politely, hoping to be forgiven for her less than regal mistake.

"Emma Swan."

"Nice to meet you Emma, please, call me Tink and the other two floating around are-"

"Wendy and Tiger Lily?" She means to say it under her breath, she swears she use to be better at holding her tongue.

"Uh, no." Tink smiles graciously anyhow "Brit and Ash, their parents weren't hippies." The way she lingers with her eyes full of satisfaction cues Emma in on her own current expression. She must look as stupid as she feels. "Anyway, I'm gonna go start the first round, Killian's email says five flavors, so you've got 12 to pick from Ellie."

"Twelve?" Ellie shows more excitement than she has all week. "Oh man, this is gonna be so much fun." She smiles to herself before racing over to a bistro table toward the west wall of the shop.

"Twelve? Crap."

"It also says you like cocoa with cinnamon too, so I'll bring you both out some to wash it down with." Killian thought to put her in an email, and her stomach blooms with warmth before the first drop of cocoa even hits it.

And they do try twelve flavors, she can't quite remember them all but she knows Ellie is going to bounce off walls tonight at ballet after taking a large bite of each one. The final contenders are peanut butter, vanilla caramel, cherry cordial ("cause it sounds like a queen thing," Ellie explained), strawberry fields and a chai tea one that Ellie swears is Killian's favorite, despite her inability to pronounce it properly. She's eager to see these all become cake pops for little hands but she supposes she can wait until next month if Ellie can.

She's never been the cake type, but she might have scarfed down every morsel on her plate. She blames Tink, and nothing else.

-/-

Ellie's ballet class is the first since the recital apparently, all the mothers are greeting each other like it's been ages. Emma sits in the 'parent's' room occasionally on her phone, texting Mary Margaret to save her sanity. Somehow, she sees this being more her thing anyhow and if the two were to change places, she doubts Mary Margaret would reply to a single text. She'd surely be too caught up in tonight's debate of 'Natural fiber wardrobes vs Synthetic/animal byproduct'

She thinks she'd rather swallow a chainsaw than her tongue with a few of these women, but she's here for Ellie, so she keeps her mouth shut.

"Emma, you're so quiet. And we're all so interested in how things are going with you and Killian," One mother asks as she rolls her wedding ring around her finger with her thumb. The light catching that thing is blinding enough to distract Emma from the expressions the women are watching her with.

"Good." She's short, not as friendly as she's use to pretending to be. She just doesn't have the energy to be fake.

"Just good?" The woman turns to another mom, all judgmental eyes and presuming looks. "I mean… he has been single for a while…maybe there's a reason."

"Yeah, he gives a shit about his kid. That's the reason."

"I hope you don't talk like that in front of his kid." Another mom admonishes.

"Actually-"

"Alright girls, that was a great class, a couple of you were a little bit rusty. Make sure you're stretching before bed, remember?" Ella releases the girls and Ellie comes racing over to pounce into Emma's lap.

"I missed ballet so much!" Her tiny arms are wrapped around Emma's neck, as she close-talks, their foreheads pressed together. "I am very happy right now."

"Then I'm very happy too. You ready to go home?"

"Yeah, but I'm hungry."

She ends up making a stop at Mr. Chow's on the way home, they eat it on the couch in pj's and finish just in time for Killian to face time. Ellie spills the beans happily, because take-out on the couch is an almost five-year-old's dream come true evidently. When he calls her back, he doesn't even sound half disappointed, just sleepy and sweet as always.

He thinks the meeting went well, and she's positive he's being modest. The man could charm pants off the president. Still, she hopes he gets everything he wants in England, he deserves it so much.

-/-

Friday rolls around, and she wakes with Ellie's foot wedged against her hipbone. Chinese food leaves little kids with nightmares that close to bed time apparently, so she crawled in around 3 am with the saddest sobs Emma's ever heard.

She doesn't find time to fret over the indentation of little toes as she's springing out of bed and rushing to the bathroom. A little less apparent is the affect Chinese food has on her stomach as of late.

Suffice to say, the morning starts off like shit.

"Ellie, please go to school for me today. I won't be in the office, I'll be running errands and doing serious work."

"I don't want to, Emma pleaseee," she whines bouncing on her heels with frustration.

"For two hours, just two." Emma bargains.

"Noooo." She cries, and pouts and tears are tumbling down her cheeks at such great speeds, Emma refuses to call it a tantrum.

But her doctor called this morning, and she has an appointment at 11. And to be honest, this bind she finds herself in only solidifies that she has no clue what she's doing and probably never will. Two months ago, she was on an all crap diet with no concern about another living thing and now she's carting around a little girl who 'just wants to be with her' so desperately she's whimpering at the idea of going to preschool.

She's not stern, she couldn't say 'go to school' and feel good about it, so of course, Ellie plays hooky for the second (and a half) day in a row.

And she asks Mary Margaret for a favor by picking her up on the way to the Doctor's office. Class ended last week so she has a free day to devote to Emma, but the real favor is to show up 'no questions asked' because she isn't about to tell her what this appointment is concerning.

She and Ellie stay in the waiting room, but whatever nightmare Ellie had still plagues her, because it's a freaking death grip Emma has to battle, peeling Ellie away from her when the nurse calls her name.

"I'll be right back. Stay with Mrs. Nolan, and then we'll all go to the café." It's when that tiny lip trembles as she's saying 'okay' that makes Emma feel anything but 'okay.' She feels awful.

And the awfulness keeps on coming.

"Your blood test results did come back positive."

And all the perfection that was dating Killian Jones is gone, all the joy she feels when it's her and Ellie is compromised and every will to fight the urge to run has abandoned her.

The last three days have proven one thing: Emma Swan is not mother material.

-/-

She tries her best to stay neutral of expression when she returns to the waiting room. Mary Margaret fixes her with a glare like she's an idiot for even attempting to fool her. Ellie just rushes back into her arms.

"Are you okay? Are you sick, Emma?"

"No Ellie, is that what you thought?"

"In my dream you were sick and you had to go to the doctors but they were sad to me and Uncle Kilo and said maybe they can't fix your owies. Maybe you wouldn't come home with us." Ellie's voice cracks at the end and the tears Emma was trying to hold in trickle down, the strength she was trying to possess is but a pipe dream. "You are sick?"

"No, I'm not sick." Emma repeats. "I'm just really tired. You know how you get crabby when you're tired?"

"Yeah." Ellie sighs so heavily for such a small frame. "It's 'cause I woke you up last night?"

"Nope. It's because I'm just tired. Not anyone's fault." Emma lifts Ellie into her arms, despite the warning the doctor gave her about 'taking it easy.' She still loves Ellie just as much before the news broke.

Maybe more.

-/-

"You're just not going to tell me? You pull me out of bed on my first Friday off in months and you're just gonna pretend like nothing happened?" Mary Margaret finally cracks at the park after their trip to the café. Ellie is in sight, but out of earshot, something Emma had been trying to avoid since leaving the café for this exact reason.

"What do you want? You want a cookie? I bought you lunch." Emma lashes out for no good reason other than confirmed hormones. "You're my friend, you said if I needed anything, ever, to just ask."

"True, and I would do anything for you."

"Don't ask. That's what I need from you."

And she thinks it's settled, as Ellie comes running back over to hug Emma's leg and kiss her hand before running back out to play with the other kids on the playground. She's happier, still clingy and fearful of abandonment, but in a lighter way.

"Is it cancer?"

"No?" Emma turns to her then. "Seriously?"

"Will I ever get to know?"

"Everyone will know eventually." She mumbles under her breath, but Mary Margaret's hearing is top notch these days.

"You're pregnant." It's not even a question. "Oh my god, Emma you're… upset?"

"I'm not married like you are. It's been two months, tops. Hell yeah I'm upset. I was on birth control, how is that even fair? I've tried really hard to be safe." And the floodgates open without warning this time. She's in the middle of a crowded park and has no choice but to bury her head in her hands, pressing her palms against her eyes to keep the tears from consuming her. Her chest wracks with sobs she can't contain.

Because it's not fair. Because at their most careful, fate had other plans.

"Oh, Emma."

She's had maybe one other friend in her life before Mary Margaret. Lily, who never once wrapped her arms around Emma, never once held her like she mattered. The first time Mary Margaret hugged her, she had to ask what the hell she was actually doing. Even now, years into their friendship, hugs feel foreign, but this feels like exactly what she needs; two arms holding her to keep her from falling apart.

"At least you know he's a good father." She adds an hour or two later after they've gone to the grocery store and Emma's dropping her off at her residence. It's in a whisper, and accompanied by another hug. "But your secret is safe with me."

-/-

She just wants to curl up and watch Disney movies with Ellie, and try not to cry into each pint of ice cream she hasn't had time to eat this week. Killian doesn't actually call that night though. He sends a text early on in the evening saying he's 'held up' and can't get to them; to kiss Ellie and make sure she knows he's coming home tomorrow.

She texts back an 'okay' and nothing else.

Because it's not okay for so many reasons. She never had much nerve to tell him, but what was left is gone now. And Ellie's just anxious for him to be home.

Also, they're five hours ahead, what possibly could be tying him up on a Friday night in England? She doesn't want to believe he's that guy, she knows he's not, but irrationality is a dear friend to her, and her mind is full of impossibilities at the moment.

She ends up crying a little in the Cherry Garcia, and Ellie sniffles a bit through the Lion King, but neither comment.

It's not another nightmare that brings Ellie to the master bedroom, it's Emma after turning off the TV and doing the 'Killian Jones' security check. (Oven, check, locks, check,) Ellie, check, right in her arms, half asleep but fully affectionate.

And sleep comes easier despite the news she just received and the lack on communication with her boyfriend. It comes softly with Ellie curled into her side, and nothing seems quite as bad.