I'm back :) Don't expect updates too frequently, though. I'll do my best!
Once again I was an emotional wreck, only to an even larger extent. I barely ever left my room or my bed for that matter. I constantly held my phone limply in my hand and prayed for a message from Chloe while I was too scared to send her one first. I had definitely done something wrong but I just wasn't sure what it had been. Maybe she wasn't ready to say I love you yet? Or maybe because of what Jesse had done that had somehow changed her opinion on our relationship? Sure we hadn't been going out for a particularly long time but I didn't think that mattered at all. If I loved her, I loved her, it didn't matter how much time we had been together. Maybe she didn't think so?
I got a few texts from the other Bellas, asking if I was okay because otherwise I hadn't been answering. I had completely cut myself off from the outside world which was probably another bad decision. I found myself in a constant daze, not knowing what to do, not knowing if I should get out of bed, not knowing what I had done wrong and not knowing how to feel in general. So to put it bluntly, like Chloe had said, I was a mess.
Finally one day I for some reason didn't wake up on the verge of tears. My phone had three messages; one from Fat Amy, one from Aubrey, and one from Stacie. I opened Amy's first, thinking that maybe something she had to say would cheer me up a little.
Damn it where have you been? I've invited you to three Bella gatherings and you haven't shown up. If you don't make contact with at least one of us soon I'm filing a missing person's.
To be completely honest I wasn't sure how long I had been holed up in my bedroom. That also was probably a bad sign. I briefly considered giving her a vague response when instead I decided against it and opened up Stacie's message.
You know, if something happened to you all of us would be really fucking upset.
I looked at this one a little longer than the others. Stacie and I weren't that close. I might expect a message like this from Amy or Chloe if she was still speaking to me, maybe even Aubrey if she were in the right mood. But Stacie? I was a little confused. How much had the Bellas been discussing my absence? Apparently pretty often. Since that was the topic of the other two messages I expected the one from Posen to be roughly the same thing, but I was wrong.
What did you do to Chloe? She's been a complete mess for the past week. I swear if you did anything to hurt her you'll never hear the end of it.
I had held my breath when I read through that, my heart had leapt into my throat at the mere sight of Chloe's name. She was a mess? I had made her that way. Unintentionally, I hurt her somehow. Just like when I had kissed Jesse. It made me feel so awful. Guilt was an agonizing feeling, currently so intense it was practically overwhelming, though I had no idea why I should be feeling it.
Laying in bed was hardly helpful but my body felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. Chloe was the most important thing in my life. Before that weird little outburst, it seemed like her entire purpose was to make my life better. She was so selfless and loving, but as soon I told her I loved her she fled like I had just threatened her with a loaded gun.
A little while after I had read Aubrey's text, I had worked up enough energy to drag myself to my feet. It ached just to move. Even though I didn't feel 100% in the slightest, I had a foreboding feeling that if I didn't deal with whatever problem I had accidentally caused it would fester and get much more difficult to handle. I was scared and reluctant, terrified about how hard this would be and about having absolutely no idea how things might turn out.
Getting to Aubrey and Chloe's place seemed like it took forever. The route I had gone a hundred times before felt weird for some reason and it felt like I was walking towards a funeral or some other morbid thing. The building looked like an evil mansion from a horror movie when it was really just a suburban apartment.
My knuckles throbbed in pain when they rapped on their door, even though I did it so lightly. My eyes had been wet with unshed tears for what felt like years, but now it felt even more like I was about to break down crying in the middle of a thankfully empty hallway. After ten minutes of just standing there, hearing no sounds on the other side of the fairly thin door and getting no kind of response, I hesitantly knocked again.
This time the door was pulled open. Aubrey had answered it and she didn't look very happy at all. My heart skipped a beat at the brief sight of red, curly hair turning a corner into another room. She was running away from me. Again. My glossy eyes remained glued to that spot, not even addressing the blonde standing in front of me. One of her hands was on her hip, the other on the door, looking ready to slam it in my face.
Finally my gaze flitted to her, though I did my best to make it clear that Chloe was my sole reason for coming here. There was a long silence. It seemed like neither of us were going to speak or had any intention to. Finally she gave in first, sighing in irritation before calling Chloe's name over her shoulder.
I watched as the usually peppy redhead - now looking absolutely drained emotionally - emerged cautiously from the room and immediately stared right at me. Her blue eyes looked ten shades lighter on account of the tears that were so prominently in them. It was agonizing to know how horrible I had made her feel. Just by telling her how I felt. It seemed as if all I could do was mess things up when it came to things like this.
"Chlo I'm so sorry..." I trailed off, wondering what I even planned on apologizing for. Luckily Aubrey interrupted me before my doubts could get too overwhelming.
"Why don't you just leave?" Before I could say anything the stubborn blonde had already started shutting me out.
My reflex thrusted my foot forward and stopped her, and even though it hurt like hell when my shoe got squished between the wall and the door I was way too engrossed in what was going on to address the pain, "No I just..." My eyes remained on Chloe but hers seemed to be avoiding me at all costs, "...Chloe please."
At my pleas she finally met my stare but couldn't match my intensity. She looked weak, frail almost. What had I done to her?
The silence that had grown was heavy and lingering. It almost felt like it was suffocating me. Chloe finally let out a shaky exhale that shattered the nearly painful quiet, and she stared at her blonde friend, "Aub, it's okay." Her voice broke.
Even with Chloe's approval Aubrey seemed extremely reluctant to allow me inside. Her gaze felt like a sharpened knife as she looked me up and down, and although she was trying to be subtle I noticed the way her top lip slightly curled up. She was protective of Chlo, I knew that, but the way she was so openly expressing her distaste for me was just adding to how badly I currently hurt.
"I was planning on going out anyway," Aubrey said, opening the door wider and stepping past me into the hall. She made a very theatrical effort not to make even slight contact with me. She gestured to Chloe to call her if necessary.
Chlo had her hands clasped in front of her and she fiddled with her fingers nervously. I was scared about what might happen and I didn't want to step inside that apartment, but as soon as I heard her sniffle I practically gravitated past the doorway, shutting the door behind me. For some reason I felt trapped. Part of me wished that it had locked behind me, so that I couldn't run away in terror if things went bad and I had to work through the issues I had caused.
Chloe returned to not looking in my direction and crossed her arms. I found it nearly impossible to keep myself from crying now. For some reason just seeing her in such an awful state hit me in the worst possible way, and the guilt added onto it was nearly too hard to bear.
"I'm sorry..." I wasn't exactly sure what I was saying. At that moment I just wanted so horribly for her to smile, for her to go back to her exuberant, bubbly self. If that was going to happen, I just had to do my best to do whatever it was she wanted, or whatever would make her feel better, "I shouldn't have..."
She interrupted me, though I had no idea what I planned on telling her anyway, "You shouldn't have told me you loved me?" Her lip was quivering and her usually rosy cheeks were slightly red with a blush. I had never seen her so uncertain of her actions.
I was so conflicted. Every single fiber of my being wanted to just tell her over and over again how much I loved her, but telling her that had upset her. The last thing I wanted in the entire world was for her to be sad in any way. My confusion just made me want to cry. I was so fed up with not having any idea about anything.
"Well...I just..." I just really do love you... I thought that last part, too scared to say it aloud. She interrupted me again before I had the chance, anyway.
"Don't apologize." She stated laconically. She still wouldn't look at me, which was far from reassuring.
My brow furrowed, still not understanding the situation completely, "But I made you upset..."
"Just... forget about it."
I took a few steps closer to her. The space between us was still immense. I wanted this to be over with. The tension, the awkward, the hesitation and reluctance, I just wanted things to come as naturally as they did before.
"I..." I tried to just say what I would have a few weeks ago, I tried to pretend like our relationship was completely normal, "I really do..." The chunk of me that was still aware of the current situation screamed at me to stop, but should I really hide these feelings from her, for fear of her reaction? I wanted her to know how I felt, whether she was going to run away again or not. Taking a deep breath, preparing for the inevitably undesirable aftermath, I spoke in an extremely shaky tone, "I really do love you."
Chloe got the same look on her face that she had the first time I said that. I saw a tear roll down her cheek and she went pale, turning even more white than I was. I tensed up, too worried to even move. Had I just damaged whatever remained of our relationship beyond repair? It seemed that all I did was destroy the things that I valued the most, unintentionally of course.
"I-I'm sorry... I can't..." She took a step away from me, a wave of pain slamming into my chest like a brick wall, "...I just can't-" I watched, helpless, as she turned and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. I could hear her crying hysterically on the other side of it. The sound of her emotional turmoil was enough to bring me dangerously close to breaking down.
I walked to the door and just hovered there, the sound of my girlfriend's (was she still my girlfriend?) tears making me feel unstable. My legs wobbled.
"Chlo..." It took absolutely all of my effort to keep my voice at a volume loud enough for her to hear, "...Chloe, what did I do...?" Her door wasn't locked. If I had the balls I would have gone right in and demanded an explanation for her reaction, but I could barely speak, let alone move. Her sobbing was the only response I got.
"Chlo, please. I... I don't get it." I felt awful. Should I feel guilty? Should I even be apologizing? For being honest?
My attention was diverted by the sound of their front door opening. I looked over my shoulder weakly to see Aubrey with a paper bag in her hand. I didn't know where she had gone in barely ten minutes, but she was back, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. Her eyes immediately went to me and she raised an eyebrow. I prepared to be bombarded by insults and to be kicked out - since I had made Chloe cry, and she didn't know the context of what had happened beforehand.
"What did you do to her now?" Aubrey questioned angrily, quickly walking towards me, her official looking heels clacking against the floor.
I wasn't sure how to respond, so I simply shrugged very slightly, barely even moving my shoulders. The blonde was not at all satisfied with my answer, making it clear by putting her hands on her hips and intensifying her glare.
"You made her cry again. You're really good at that, you know." Her tone was so accusing, like I had just murdered her mother or something.
"You know what I did?" I asked her, my voice breaking on the first and last words. I could tell that I had her utmost attention, "I told her that I loved her. And she burst into tears and ran away. Again." I dug one of my hands into my hair, feeling very flustered, "Sorry, all I do is mess things up I guess."
Aubrey's expression had changed once I explained myself. Her eyes moved from Chloe's closed door - where the sobs were still being heard through - to me. We stood there in silence for a few minutes, each passing second making my eyes sting even more with tears, until the blonde finally grabbed my wrist and tugged me out of earshot.
"Okay, look," Aubrey seemed uneasy, "You didn't do anything wrong. Chloe's had some... complicated relationships before this one. Most of them were one-night stand type of things that she regrets a lot and only one of them was a long-lasting one, with Tom. But he dumped her and it was really bad, all because she said she loved him..." She trailed off, like she expected me to fill in the blanks. All it did was confuse me even more.
"I still don't get it..."
Aubrey sighed a bit in irritation, "I may be wrong, but this is the most likely thing I can think of. She's probably just scared that you'll break up with her or something if she says that she loves you back. Her breakup with Tom was... really bad."
All she was doing was giving me more things to be confused about, when I thought she would explain things, "How bad..? What happened?" I wondered if I was making things uncomfortable for Aubrey in some way. Either way I didn't care all that much. I needed to know if I planned on fixing things with Chloe.
"She..." Aubrey looked away from me and she started blinking at a faster pace. I couldn't tell if her eyes were glossy or not, but I could tell that she was definitely reluctant, "...she got really sad. It was even at the same time we lost at the semi-finals, and when she got her nodes removed. And she liked you, but you were chasing after Jesse. There just weren't that many things going for her."
She was unintentionally being vague, "Really sad like how...?" I had an idea. But I didn't want to believe it.
Aubrey looked at me like I was an idiot, and what she was trying to say should be obvious, "Really sad like... you know... serious. She... takes medication for it now. Pills. And she had a few therapy sessions. Beca... she tried to..." She wiped at her eye with her thumb. I didn't see any sign of tears in her eyes. But I had an awful feeling that I knew what she was implying. It seemed like it was extremely difficult for her to talk about. If I was correct, I needed to see Chloe at that exact moment.
"Wait do you mean that... she..." My mind starting conjuring up a dozen different images, each one worse than the last. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Aubrey didn't look too stable at that moment either.
"Yeah..." Aubrey definitely wanted to avoid discussing this in depth, "...she did."
"No... no no no." I bit at my thumb's cuticle, a nervous habit of mine, feeling so terrible I could barely function. My head kept shaking back and forth and I couldn't control it, my denial too thick.
"I was really happy when you two got together. It pulled her out of it a bit. She's fine now. Or at least I thought so..." She rubbed at her eye with a tightly clenched fist, "...go see her. I..." She walked away slightly, "...I don't want her to be alone when she's this upset."
Those words were more than enough to make me head straight to Chloe's door. It wasn't locked. And that conversation with Aubrey gave me enough balls to throw it open, and slam it shut once I got inside. The loud noise was enough to jostle Chloe from her fit of sobbing into the pillow on her bed. She stared at me as if afraid I was going to start screaming at her. Part of me wanted to, just to snap her out of it. My concern was more than overwhelming.
"Chloe please, please just listen to me," Her tears were so loud I wasn't sure if she could hear me, "Please!"
The sudden increase of my volume startled her and she sat up on her bed, her eyes wide and still emitting tears that ran down her cheeks. I walked to the foot of the bed, finding it miraculous that I hadn't started sobbing yet.
"I love you. You're the best person I've ever met in my entire life and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world! I-I know that you've had some tough shit to deal with a while ago and I so wish I had been able to help you during that, but right now I have you. And I'm not going to let you go anytime soon. It's okay if you can't say it back, but I want it to be very clear, that I. Love. You." I stepped around to the side of her bed to be closer to her.
Her fiery curls were disheveled and I had never seen her look so vulnerable in my time knowing her. She looked surprised at my rant, but I couldn't tell if it was because she hadn't expected me to say that aloud or if she hadn't thought any of that was true. She scooted towards me a bit.
"Beca..." Her lip was quivering. She had slightly stopped crying during my raving but it looked like she was going to start up again. I couldn't bare to see her break down again.
"Please Chlo, don't cry..." I sat down on her bed, not all that close to her. I had a feeling she didn't want any physical contact.
But apparently I was wrong, because right as she let out a single, shaking sob, she lunged at me, hugging me tightly as soon as she made contact. I didn't hesitate at all to hug her back, holding her like her life depended on it, and that if I let her go she would leave. My chest ached. She sounded so broken. I felt awful. For her, and on my own accord.
"Beca..." She held onto me tighter. I felt more tears streaming down my cheeks, it was just too hard to keep them back, "...I love you too."
