The Fallout
Lucas wandered around aimlessly, or so he thought, after he stormed away from his friends. He couldn't believe that Farkle and Zay reacted like that. Farkle getting physical was a shock but it drove home the point of how tough the situation was for everyone. Lucas walked without thought, never really paying attention to his surroundings. It never failed to amaze him how easy it was to get lost in the crowd in NYC.
His feet stopped of their own accord and when he looked up to get his bearings he wasn't surprised to see he was standing outside her apartment building. It was as if his inner most thoughts were dictating the direction his feet were traveling in. He looked up to her window and sighed. If this had been a few months earlier, he would have climbed the fire escape, climbed through the bay window and just soaked in the feeling he got every time he was around her. Before Texas, he wouldn't have thought twice. She was his best friend. His safe harbor from the storm. His calming influence and most of all? His reason for wanting to be a better person.
Since Texas he often found himself wondering where and when things went so far off-track. They went from being an "unofficial" couple to acquaintances without any notice at all. He was still perplexed by the whole thing…but more than perplexed, he was hurt. He just couldn't grasp how easy it seemed for her to change everything. He knows it hit him from out of nowhere. He wonders if he missed any signs, if there was anything that should have warned him this was coming. He knows he was shocked, happily so, when Farkle announced that she still had feelings for him. He knew his feelings had never wavered. When he left her rooftop New Year's Eve, he thought for sure, things would go back to the way they were prior to that nightmare of a trip to Texas. Sure he mastered Tombstone but he would always remember that trip for other reasons. Now it's September and things are still a disaster. He never imagined that they wouldn't talk about their mutual feelings. Never thought that he would be starting off his years in High School fighting with her, but that's where he is. He knows that he was unduly harsh on her. But as he stood there looking at the one, who swore that she would always believe in him, he had the realization that she simply didn't believe in him anymore. This shook him, and in all honesty hurt him, more than he could even begin to describe and so he reacted. "You are just too much for me sometimes." The second the words crossed his lips, he wished he could take them all back. He knew that with those 8 words, he may have just cost himself the last thing he would ever want to lose…her. In that split second he knew he was wrong, not necessarily in his feelings but in his delivery. He snapped at her in front of their friends, in front of other students in the hallway, he didn't even have the inner fortitude needed to keep his mouth shut until they were alone. What scared him the most is that her eyes never wavered. They had simply filled with tears while she stoically looked him in the eyes.
As he stood there leaning against the light pole, looking up at her window, he wondered what would happen if he were to climb through her window. Would they fight? Would they talk? Would she give him that "I'm OK" smile that never quite reached her eyes? He loathed that smile. He cringed every time he saw it. He couldn't remember the last time he saw one of her trademark grins. He saw the start of one during her New Year's Eve party when he and Charlie were trying to one up each other during the Couples game. Charlie… Mr. Me Now… ugh he couldn't stand the guy. He tried to like him but it was impossible. If Charlie was never interested in her? Perhaps they could have been friends but Charlie was interested until she turned him down on the rooftop a few minutes before the start of the New Year.
He flinched when he saw the light in her window snap on. He wondered if she would have seen him if she looked out her window. He cringed slightly at the thought. He knew that if she could see him, she would demand that he go spend the same amount of time with the other one. To keep things "even". As if that was even a possibility. He cared for both girls, just not in the same way. Try as he might, he just couldn't think of an easy way out of this situation. He didn't want to hurt either of them by "choosing" one over the other and he didn't want to be responsible for anything coming between them. If only Zay and Farkle could understand what was going through his mind. They tease him about being "Mr. Perfect" but reality told a different story. He was far from perfect and often resented the implication that because he was good looking, and athletic, that life was easy. If they only knew how imperfect he really was, he was certain they would be shocked. He would love to climb through her window and force her to talk to him about everything and nothing but he couldn't bring himself to do it. He knew that while it would help ease his angst over the whole situation it would only make things tougher for her. He couldn't allow that to happen.
With one last look at her window, he turned around and headed back in the direction from which he came. He knew there was nothing he could currently do about his friendship with her so he set off to fix things with Zay and Farkle.
As he walked up to the front of his house, he wasn't surprised to see Farkle sitting there. Of all of his friends, he knew this situation was toughest on him. He was best friends with all 3 people involved in this situation.
"Hey Farkle" he said softly so he didn't spook him.
"Hey Lucas. I'm sorry." Farkle said quietly
"For what?"
"For what happened before. I know this isn't all your fault…some of this mess is my fault. It was just easier for me to blame you rather than look at what my actions have caused."
"Your actions? Farkle, you didn't do anything wrong."
"I announced her feelings for you in front of everyone in our class…"
"I'm not happy you did it in front of everyone but you did what you thought was right. You said that it was only fair that everyone knew how she felt. Your delivery could've been a bit better but you did what had to be done. No one can fault you for that."
"No one? Are you sure about that? The guilt is eating me up inside."
"Guilt over what? You didn't lie. You told her you were going to do it and she chose to ignore you. I can't answer for her, especially now since she barely even speaks to me anymore, but I for one am glad you did it. It was the first time since that conversation in Pappy Joe's living room that I felt anything other than confusion over the whole thing."
"Nothing has changed! I did it because I thought for sure something would change! Nothing has! I don't understand any of this. Do you not have feelings for her anymore? Did I misread the whole situation? When we sat out on Pappy Joe's front porch, you told me you had feelings for her. Did you? Do you?"
"Farkle, take a deep breath and calm down."
"I can't calm down."
"Are you tasting the color blue?" Lucas asked with a smile. Hoping that reminding Farkle of the incident in History class would help him calm down.
Farkle smiled briefly "No smartass. I'm never going to live that down am I?"
Lucas chuckled "No way. To quote Zay "It's a good Farkle story""
Farkle laughed at Lucas as he mimicked Zay. A moment later he looked at Lucas and took a deep breath.
"I really am sorry about before. I honestly don't know how to do this. I don't like feeling like I've failed her and right now? That's exactly how I feel."
"You didn't fail her. There are just other things in play here that are outside of your control."
"I told her that she needs to stop believing in people so much…"
"Why would you tell her that?" Lucas feels himself starting to get angry. "Why would you tell her she needs to change?"
"Lucas, you heard her today. She thought those seniors were helping us. Then she told you that you would get killed playing football yet she encouraged you to ride Tombstone? Why would she think Tombstone is easier than football?"
Lucas walks over to his front step and sits down. He takes a deep breath and sighs. Farkle is ready to ask him again when he starts to talk.
"That whole thing had nothing to do with football. It's me...it's all me. She's losing her faith in me. She said she would always believe in me. I did this. I made her doubt me. By keeping quiet and trying to resolve this without hurting either of them? I all but destroyed that belief. Who does that? I honestly don't know what to do Farkle. I'm losing it. My temper, my patience and now I'm terrified that I'm losing...her. I always thought I knew who I was and who I wanted to be. Until I met her & everything changed...I changed. Not because she asked me to and not because I felt like I had to but because it happened without thought. It was instinctive. I wanted to be a better person for her. I wanted to do anything and everything I could to be worthy of her...of her friendship...maybe...someday...even worthy of her love. I could sit here and compare her pull to that of the moon with the ocean but even that doesn't fully describe it. I can't lose her Farkle. She's my best friend"
"What about me and Zay?" Farkle asks trying to lighten Lucas' mood all while trying not to breakdown over everything that he just said. If he ever had any doubts about how Lucas felt about her? They were completely gone now.
"You know what I mean. There's just something about her."
"Of course I do. She's my best friend too and that something is simple. It's Riley."
"Yeah...it really is that simple isn't it? She is my favorite person to talk to. She always knows what to say to make things better… I can't lose that."
"What are you going to do?"
"Honestly? There's nothing I can do. I'm stuck. Her priority is Maya and my priority is her. You know as well as I do that no matter what happens next? She's going to be hurt and I can't let that happen, especially if I'm the cause."
"What about you?"
"Me? What about me?"
"You've said you guys can't be just friends. That you're no good at it."
"We're not but I'm going to have to accept the possibility that being just friends may be the only viable option."
"So, you're sitting here telling me that you're ok with just being friends?! That it's not going to bother you if she starts to date someone else? That you are going to just stand by while she falls out of love with you? And you're ok with this?" Farkle is floored.
"Ok with it? I'm hardly okay with it but I don't see any other alternatives that don't end up with her getting hurt. I will do anything and everything I can to stop that from happening.
"So this way, they are fine and you're the one who ends up hurt. You guys really are a lot alike... You could even be..."
"Stop. Don't go any further with that comment. There are only 2 things we can be... Friends or more than. Option 2 is off the table... I'm going to have to take option 1 because the only other alternative is not having her in my life at all. That is not an option I can live with."
Farkle had even more respect for Lucas than he did earlier in the night. He was quite simply awed by the selflessness his friend was showing. Floored by how much she had come to mean to him in such a short time. He knew without a doubt that if there was anyway the two of them were able to end up together? Lucas was one of the few guys that he could say would be worthy of his sister.
"Hey Lucas?"
"Yeah?"
"Did you see the size of those football players? I thought that Thor guy should've had a license plate on his butt…. Dude is built like a Mack Truck!" Farkle explains as he flails his hands around.
"I noticed that too buddy." Lucas answers with a chuckle. They spend the next few minutes laughing about the size of the people in their high school.
As their laughter dies down, they sit in silence for a few minutes, each lost in their own thoughts. Each wondering if there was an easy way out of this mess.
Farkle couldn't even begin to process where Lucas was…he couldn't fathom how he was coping with any of it.
For himself? He knew that he was still stuck in the middle of the madness. Stranded on the side of the road between Rileytown and Texas but for the first time he finally felt like help was on the way.
