Trigger warning for suicide attempt, drug use, and abortion reference.


"Can you believe that Derek and Addison are married again?" Mark is standing next to Callie as they watch Derek and Addison quietly exchange vows before sharing a kiss.

"I know; I think that's gonna take some time to get used to; do you think she'll go back to using Montgomery-Shepherd?" Callie's head is tilted to the side as she watches the judge shake Derek and Addison's hand.

"Nah, I doubt it, especially since no one outside of the hospital and Oceanside Wellness knows that they're together," Amelia is standing next to Charlotte King, a small smile on her face.

"You don't think your mom knows that they're-"

"My mom may have made a mends with Addie but I highly doubt she'd be okay with them getting married so soon after Emily died,"

"None of that matters right now because the Chief just paged us all," Bailey says, signaling to Derek and Addison who quickly give their thanks to the judge.

"So…" Derek sheepishly smiles at Bailey, who immediately frowns at him.

"I'm pretty sure you two's secret is out," Bailey says nothing more, she simply turns on her heels and walks away.

"Richard probably figured something was up when none of us came into work," Addison murmurs.

"Relax Addie, it'll be fine; what's the worst that Richard could do?" Derek gives her arm a light squeeze as they prepare to leave the courthouse.

oOoOo

"You mean to tell me you two decided to sneak off with three of my best surgeons and elope!?" Of course, Richard demanded that Derek and Addison, along with Bailey, Callie, Mark, Amelia, and Charlotte meet him in the conference room once they stepped foot on the premises.

" 'What the worst that Richard could do'?" Addison's tone is mocking, as reminds Derek of his words from earlier. Richard seemed to be more high strung now that he'd returned to his duties as Chief of Surgery.

"Well Derek, Addison, I'm waiting?" Derek glances over at Addison and takes a deep breath.

"It was my idea Richard; Addie and I have been…together for a while and-"

"When the hell did this happen?" The expression on Richard's face is enough to make Derek cringe.

"It happened a little while after Meredith broke up with me,"

"Is that why she transferred off your service and onto Bailey's?"

"Yes,"

"And it had nothing to do with you and Addison 'getting back together'" Richard uses air quotes on 'getting back together' and it pisses Addison off.

"Richard, are you suggesting that I cheated with Derek while he was with Meredith?" Richard sighs heavily.

"Addie, of course, that's not what I-"

"No, you implied it by using air quotes around 'getting back together',"

"Addie, I didn't mean it like that but…can you blame me?"

"Yes, I can blame you; for the record, Meredith decided to break up with Derek, I had no idea what was going on until I walked in on their breakup and Meredith telling me that I should give Derek another chance," There are hot tears on Addison's cheeks as she pushes her chair away from the table.

"If you'll excuse me, I have patients to see," Richard sighs heavily, leaning forward and resting his hands on the table in front of him.

"Derek, you know that's not how I-"

"Tell that to Addison," Derek is trying to rein in his temper; he knows Richard meant no harm by what he said, but he can't stand seeing Addison upset. With that, he stands up and goes to check on his wife.

"…So, if the rest of us aren't in trouble…" Mark grins sheepishly at the chief who rolls his eyes.

"I'm assuming that you two will want surgical privileges?" The chief is looking at Amelia and Charlotte when he speaks.

"If you've got any good neuro cases then I'm all for it; I'm pretty sure Derek's gonna be busy trying to get Addison to calm down," Amelia has made herself comfortable in the conference room, propping her feet up on the table, though Charlotte promptly slaps her legs, causing her to place them on the ground.

"Uh, Dr. King; Addison tells me that you're a urologist, I've got a pretty interesting case I could use a consult on," Charlotte smiles gratefully for the distraction.

"I can take a look; that is if your chief-"

"You've got full surgical privileges," With that Charlotte stands and follows Dr. Bailey out of the conference room.

"So does that mean I'm cleared for surgery as well?" Amelia grins hopefully as Richard sighs.

"Go ahead," Amelia is up on her feet and headed to get her temporary badge in seconds.

"I'm surprised at you Torres; you knew-"

"I only found out they were doing this last night chief," Callie shrugs her shoulders and heads to check on her patients.

"Sloan, before you leave I want a word with you," Mark sighs heavily but remains seated.

"I want you to be honest Sloan, is this thing between them the real deal or…"

"Addison never stopped loving Derek, and I'm pretty damn sure he never stopped loving Addison,"

"But he was in a relationship with Meredith for years."

"I know that too, but their problems stem longer than that. You can't just erase 20 plus years of being with someone, you know that better than anybody," Richard sighs heavily; he does know all too well about what Addison and Derek are going through. He and Adele have been in a constant back and forth about the state of their marriage for probably as long as Addison and Derek, if not longer.

"I'm worried about them Sloan, I'm worried about how this will affect Carson and Ryan, plus Derek and Meredith just lost a child. Isn't it a bit…insensitive for the two of them to-"

"Meredith broke up with Derek; she's already seeing the vet again,"

"You mean Finn," Mark nods.

"What about Carson and Ryan?"

"Carson's…they're worried for her honestly; she hasn't been the same since the shooting," Mark leans back in his chair as he thinks about his goddaughter.

"And they think that getting married will-"

"This was going to happen, whether Carson was okay or not. Even if the shooting hadn't occurred, they would've still found their way back to one another," Richard sighs at that.

"You're right about that but still, Carson and Ryan have a lot to adjust to…again,"

"Tell me about it," Mark mutters.

oOoOo

Carson breathes a sigh of relief as she watches the police drive away. She knows that they should've been arrested today but for some reason, they were saved. Still, though, Drew's car is still parked across the street from her house.

"Whew! That was close," Mike has wrapped an arm around her shoulder and her friends seem to be calming down a bit, easily lighting back up their joints.

"Get out," Carson's voice is quiet, but Michael tilts his head to look at her.

"Carson-"

"Get out, all of you get out, grab your shit and get the fuck out," She doesn't miss the murmurs and complaints but her friends all leave. She waits until they've pulled out of the driveway before heading across the street to Drew's car.

"What the hell, Drew?" Carson is fuming as she stands there, clad in a pair of white cut-off American Eagle shorts and a black tank top.

"What the hell, Carson?" Drew is nonchalant, his seat leaned back slightly; the latest Drake single is playing on the radio.

"I can't believe you ratted me out to the cops like that," Drew scoffs and shakes his head.

"I was actually coming to try and talk some sense into you but I saw your neighbors here staring out the window; they called the cops, not me" Carson sees her neighbors, The Williamsburg's; they're an older rich White couple who aren't keen on the fact that their precious neighborhood is becoming more and more integrated.

"Why are you-"

"I'm here because, because as much as I hate you for cheating on me and being on drugs-"

"I'm not on drugs Drew!"

"You're in denial Carson…you're screwing a well-known drug dealer at our school…don't think I haven't heard about the kids you've been hanging around," Carson sighs heavily, scuffing the toe of her flip flops on the concrete.

"Can we, can we talk about this, please? Drew, I still love you but…I'm fucked up right now. I never, ever meant to hurt you but…I've just been so messed up since my dad's shooting and-"

"You need help, Carson, and I can't give that to you," tears well up in Carson's eyes.

"Drew, please, I love you, and I know you love me too," Drew's eyes are filled with tears as he sadly shakes his head.

"I'm sorry Carson, but I can't…I love you, but you're too far gone for me to help you," With that, Drew sadly rolls up his window and pulls away.

oOoOo

Despite Richard's words, Addison has been having a good day. Her work load has been minimal, doing two C-Sections and checking on a couple of preemies. She's rounding the corner for another break when she runs into Meredith Grey, causing the entire floor to grow deadly silent.

Everyone's heard that Meredith and Derek broke up and that shortly after Addison and Derek got back together. To say that she's the most hated person in the hospital (again) is putting it nicely.

"Dr. Grey, how are you?" Addison's body language is tense, which is completely obvious to everyone around them.

"Dr. Montgomery," Meredith gives her a nod, though she pauses to look at the very large, very expensive princess cut diamond ring on Addison's hand. Addison notices the exact moment Meredith notices the ring. Addison takes a deep breath, hoping to God that Meredith doesn't say anything about it. Meredith simply stares at the ring for a few moments; finally, after what feels like an eternity, she gives Addison a smile.

"Uh, Dr. Bailey told me that you've got a preemie with gastroschisis? I was hoping to assist you on the surgery; I need to get all of the practice I can get since I've switched to general surgery,"

To say Addison is dumbfounded is an understatement. She knows that Meredith knows that she and Derek got married today; she'd known about it long before seeing the ring. She was all but expecting Meredith to call her Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, or to at least offer her some sort of congratulations, in a manner that would draw attention to the fact that she and Derek got married again. But Meredith Grey continues to amaze her.

"Uh, sure; the surgery's not for a couple more days; I'm watching the baby's breathing and heart rate but I will let you know the second I book my OR. Maybe you can close?" Meredith smiles in some sort of understanding and nods,

"I'd like that," Meredith says nothing more before walking away.

"Wow, I guess she really has moved on," Callie had been standing a few feet away and walked over to Addison once the exchange was over.

"Yeah, I guess she has,"

oOoOo

She's shaking; it's five o'clock and her parents will be home soon. She knows that they'll want to talk to her about them getting married today but, she doesn't quite feel like talking. In fact, she doesn't feel like doing anything. Michael was right, it's hard to keep feeling everything; she was tired of hurting and being hurt. She's kept a tiny stash of coke Michael has no idea she stole from him. She wants to quit hurting, she wants to quit feeling. She wants to stop hurting the people she loves, her parents, her brother, Drew. But most of all she's tired of carrying around this huge burden that nobody knows about; she had an abortion three weeks ago.

Somehow, in the midst of all of the chaos and sex and drugs, she hadn't been careful. It's ironic, right? The daughter of an OBGYN (not just any OBGYN, but perhaps one of the greatest OBGYN's of the 21st century) gets pregnant. Of course, her mother had had the talk with her ages ago, especially after she got caught having sex with Michael the night her of her father's accident. Since then she's been especially hard on her, not hard per say, but she's been all up in Carson's business about her sex life. Sure she's grateful that her mother didn't tell her father but, she did require Carson go see an OB on a regular basis.

But when she got pregnant, there was no way in hell she was going to tell her doctor. Her doctor knew her mother (but what OB in America didn't love her mother and practically worship the ground she walked on?), and because she was a minor, she knew her mother would find out. She knew she wasn't ready for a baby at her age, besides, she wasn't even sure who the father was. All she knew was that four pregnancy tests and a piss test at a local urgent care confirmed her worst fear; she was pregnant.

So, Carson did what she had to do; she found a friend, who knew a friend who knew an OB who scored her the abortion pill. She took it, followed the instructions to a T (her mother has performed countless abortions; she knows how these things work), told her mother that she'd caught some sort of stomach flu and was allowed to miss a couple of days of school. No one was the wiser and that was how she liked to keep things. Still, though, all of this, nearly being caught by the cops, Drew knowing her secrets and breaking up with her-on their anniversary of all days, her parents getting remarried, losing her sister, nearly losing her father twice, losing Kevin, it was suddenly all too much.

She'd never thought about committing suicide until recently, though she never told a soul. They were just thoughts at first, but the thoughts soon became actions, small things like playing with knives when no one was watching, or nicking her leg while shaving a time or two. Sometimes, she'd get really bold and pour way too many pills into her hand when she was getting high, but she'd quickly back off because she didn't wanna become a cliché like her Aunt Amelia, the one thing both her parents feared most. Sometimes, she'd mix her pills with alcohol if she really wanted to be taken away.

Today though, she just wants to sleep.

After the shooting, her mother went to therapy with Sheldon and did Skype sessions with Aunt Kathleen while she was in Seattle. She also knows that her mother had a hard time sleeping for a few weeks after the accident and was prescribed a bottle of Thorazine; she also got prescribed some Ambien after her sister's death and her father's accident. She carefully makes her way into her mother's bathroom and grabs both bottles from the medicine cabinet; Ryan is home but he's in his room playing video games so he won't notice that she's…

She carefully locks the door to her room; she doesn't want her parents or Ryan to see her like this. Her father has a 20-year-old bottle of scotch that she stole from the nearly empty liquor cabinet downstairs. She's got his favorite glass and pours herself a generous amount. She'd been reading that book 13 Reasons Why and knew that she didn't wanna take the Hannah Baker way out and leave a long list of tapes listing the reasons and the people who were responsible for her death; there was no one to blame for what was about to happen except her. Instead, she leaves individual notes to everyone-her parents, her brother, Drew, Uncle Mark, Uncle Archer, Grandma Carolyn, her Aunt Amelia, her best friend in LA. She wrote out what she wanted done with her body, who to leave her things to, an unofficial will of sorts. She's tired of hurting and she's tired of causing the people she loves pain.

It's simple really; she's going to drink the scotch and down a few of her mom's sleeping pills along with the last of her stash of Percocet's, Adderall, Xanax bars and her tiny bag of coke she stole from Michael. She's always been a genius when it came to science, so she knows that this is a deadly combination. She only hopes that it's not painful. She glances over at the clock, her parents should be just now leaving the hospital headed home. She's lucky that her father built their house on his property on Bainbridge Island, so by the time her parents make it home, it'll be too late, which is exactly what she wants.

She'd taken a shower after talking with Drew, had cleaned the house spotless, putting on extra air fresheners and opening the patio doors to make sure her parents wouldn't notice the strong stench of weed. She'd greeted Ryan when he got home from school, being extra kind to him, which made him look at her like she'd grown a third head, especially when she helped him with his homework. She even played a couple video games with him before telling him she was tired and going to lie down, but not without apologizing for how she'd been acting since their dad got shot last year. Ryan of course willingly accepted his sister's apology. She'd sometimes wished that her parents had another boy so that Ryan wouldn't have to look up to her so much, lest she continue to disappoint him.

She's sitting in bed, cell phone in hand as she glances over at the expanse of pills, coke, and scotch sitting on her nightstand. It's in that moment that she pauses, thinks about what she's about to do. Fat tears roll down her cheeks as she takes slow, deep breaths; she's having a panic attack…this was one of the main reasons why she was doing this, she didn't like feeling as if she weren't in control of her actions, of her body. Once she'd calmed down enough, Carson placed her cell phone on the other nightstand, powering it off so that she'd have no excuse to not go through with her plan.

She's crying when she picks up the glass of scotch, gulping it down and then picking up the entire bottle and drinking some more. She climbs out of bed and snorts up the coke, allowing it a few moments to get into her blood stream. Almost immediately she feels high, but this is better than normal. In this experience, she feels like she's floating, but unfortunately, her emotions are still running high. She can hear the voices in her head, her own voice, trying to tell her why this is wrong. She shakes her head, taking gulp after gulp of her father's scotch before the bottle falls to the ground and breaks, spilling scotch all over her bare feet. The scotch has aged significantly, so it's more powerful than she'd been expecting it to be, enough to where she's a staggering mess. Apparently, the crash has alerted Ryan to her door.

"Carson, what's going on?" She can hear him, but her voice is far to slurred for her to respond properly.

"Carson, c'mon, you're scaring me; are you okay?"

Again, she's trying to stumble towards the door, but she steps on a sharp shard of glass, letting out an expletive.

"Carson, open the door,"

"Go'way Ryan!" Her speech is slurred when she speaks, her heart is pounding in her chest as she watches through blurry eyes as Ryan tries to jiggle the door handle.

He can't come in, she doesn't want him to see her like this-a drunk, high, bleeding mess. Most importantly, she doesn't want her parents to find her like this. She doesn't wanna hurt them anymore or cause them anymore pain. Though her vision is still blurry, she can see the pills on her nightstand. She staggers towards the nightstand, blindly opening the bottles and pouring out pills, so many that they fall onto the floor. Though the bottle of scotch is shattered on her bedroom floor, there's a bottle of wine she'd kept stashed away that she grabs. She's on the floor a complete sobbing mess as she downs the pills and drinks the wine from the bottle. Instantly, her mind becomes fuzzy, the sounds quickly beginning to fade away as her body begins to relax into what she's sure is an eternal sleep. The wine glass quickly falls from her hand, rolling onto the floor, mixing with the spilled scotch. She doesn't make it to the bed like she'd planned, she simply collapses onto the floor, hitting her head on a sharp corner of the bed before blacking out completely. The last thing she remembers are people shouting her name…

Chapter 8 to follow…

I apologize for the long wait; real life has kept me busy. I'm also sorry for how dark this chapter got, I hadn't planned on any of this but, this is where my muse took me. I knew initially that I wanted Carson to overdose or either have an overdose scare, but not in this chapter. Also, I didn't plan for the abortion thing, but it makes super good conflict for something else that's coming in another chapter. When I wrote it, it made sense, seeing as she was having unprotected sex with both her boyfriend Drew and Michael while she was using drugs. I was eventually going to have Carson go on a binge and then enter rehab and do therapy but this, this works a bit better actually. As I've stated in previous author's notes, the last chapter has been written, along with a couple other chapters and scenes, but those are pretty far away. I'm still sort of working my way up to the big stuff. For all of you Meredith lovers, I hope that my portrayal of her has done her justice. She's not exactly over Derek, but she's in the process of moving on. She's not going to completely disappear from the story and yes, she is going to end up with Finn the vet, but that' not until later. She and Finn are…reconnecting. As far as Carson's fate, well, you'll just have to read the next chapter to see what happens. (Don't worry, she's gonna live!)

Xx