XVI.
Penny feels a weird ringing sensation in her ears, but she can't hear anything else at all. She sees that Bernadette's mouth is still open after emanating that awful shriek. If the little woman's voice had been any more high-pitched, Penny suspects that no human would have been able to hear it at all.
As her hearing slowly returns, she detects the sound of the puppy down in 3B howling wildly.
Amy removes her hands from her ears, but her face is still scrunched up in annoyance when she says, "My auditory cortex is on fire!"
Whatever that may be, Penny is sure hers is feeling the same. They're going to need ibuprofen… and wine. But not necessarily in that order. She heads to her kitchen to gather both.
"Amy!" Bernadette's squeak has returned to a manageable decibel level, but Penny still kind of fears that the glassware is at risk of shattering. "I can't believe the two of you are engaged! That's so exciting! Isn't it exciting?"
Penny is thrilled for her favorite little odd couple, but it is still very difficult for her to imagine the two of them together in such a traditional kind of way. Already aware of the ring from the previous evening, Penny's reaction is much more subdued than Bernadette's.
As she returns to the couch with wine, glasses, and ibuprofen, Penny sees Amy raise an expectant eyebrow at her. Oops. It's probably too late to act surprised now.
"Congrats Sweetie. I'm so happy for you guys! I did sort of know about the ring… but I didn't know if he'd manage to grow a pair and actually ask you."
Hmm. That didn't come out all that tactfully. With any luck, Amy's hearing is still impaired.
Penny works the cork out of the bottle of wine and then pours three generous glasses full. She nudges one over to each of her friends. When Amy reaches for hers, the light catches on the gold band seated firmly on the ring finger of her left hand. Holy crap! The reality of actually seeing it there finally jolts Penny from her state of calm.
Suddenly overcome, she squeals and kicks her feet, which startles Amy into spilling a little of her wine. "Oh my God, Ames! Do you think this means that he will actually punch your V-card after all?"
Amy's face turns a stunning shade of red, and she takes a long sip from her dripping glass of wine instead of responding to Penny's question. When she finishes the slow drink, she shakily says, "So, I brought Travel Twister. Who's up for a game?"
Penny can sense the gossip in the air. There's no way she's going to let Amy get away with that. Her friend is usually an over-sharer, and the sudden quietness of the past few days has ratcheted Penny's curiosity levels up to the max.
Bernadette seems to harbor the same suspicions because she turns to Amy with a piercing gaze and asks, "Do you have something that you'd like to share with us?" Her voice is a false, whispery growl, in marked contrast to her previous tone.
Amy has the world's guiltiest expression when she blatantly lies, "Nothing to share but the joys of Hasbro's classic party game. Did you know they added two new moves to the Twister board?"
The more she tries to wiggle out of it, the more Penny feels desperate to know. She sets her glass of wine down firmly on the table and decides to go for the all-out, blunt assault. "Did you and Sheldon do the pants-off dance-off?"
Amy's eyes widen in response, and she stares mutely at Penny while carefully setting down her own libation.
Bernadette raises an eyebrow and adds, "Engage in a little gland-to-gland combat?"
Amy's head snaps over to face the smirking microbiologist, but there's still no audible response.
"Did you do some squat-thrusts in Sheldon's cucumber patch?" Penny continues to prod with a tilt of her head.
That one finally cracks her, and Amy starts giggling wildly. In the midst of her chuckles, she buries her face in her hands and shyly nods to verify their supposition.
"I knew it!" Penny and Bernadette both exclaim. Penny's voice is eclipsed by Bernadette's, whose tone has become shrill once again. Penny sees Bernadette's mouth continue to move, but she can't discern any more words. It's not Penny's hearing that has blown out this time, though, because she can hear the dog downstairs start yapping again.
Wow. Maybe Bernadette really has managed to hit a frequency that only dogs can hear.
—
XVII.
More than a little shell-shocked by her friends' wild reactions, Amy is relieved to walk across the hall and once again be alone with Sheldon. A nice, boring evening of takeout pizza and counterfactuals is just what she needs.
"How was your afternoon with the girls?" he asks politely, as they both dish up a slice and sit at the kitchen island.
Taking a particularly large bite of pizza, Amy decides to choose her words carefully. "The usual," she replies when her mouth finally clears. She doesn't feel bad about her answer, because it's absolutely the truth. Nevertheless, she decides that it's probably best not to elaborate.
After dinner, they settle on the couch, and Amy begins to set up one of their games. When she sees Sheldon open his mouth to speak, she fully expects to hear him claim use of the green pieces. She is surprised when he brings up their engagement instead.
"I assume you hens have begun clucking about our impending nuptials. So, am I in for the complete fairytale extravaganza? An ostentatious affair dripping in sentimental hooey?" is his indelicate introduction to the topic.
"With that attitude I'm not sure you're in for much of anything," she shoots back, offended.
He closes his eyes and looks instantly contrite. It takes a moment for him to reword his thoughts before he carries on. "After your stint as maid of honor for Bernadette, I must admit that I'm a little nervous about what you might have in mind for our wedding."
That is a very reasonable concern, and she feels her anger at his previous statement fade away in the blink of an eye.
"I did get a bit… carried away as maid of honor…" she admits.
That's a colossal understatement, of course. There is no expression for a rampaging maid of honor that is as pithy as 'bridezilla,' but if there was, she has to admit that it would have described her behavior pretty succinctly.
"When it came down to it, though, and their wedding had to be pared down to a quick ceremony on the roof, well… the truth is that that scenario seemed much better." She shrugs. "Less was definitely more. It just felt so natural and simple. I guess I want that too. I want this to be something relaxing for us both to enjoy."
Sheldon looks incredibly relieved, like that time he emerged from the bathroom when they got home from Disneyland. It was hours after he drank a full thirty-two ounce Icee all by himself - a dangerous choice for a man who despises public restrooms.
"You're preaching to the choir, little lady. I certainly don't feel the need to justify or validate our relationship to the plebeians around us. So, let's just head down to the County Clerk's office tomorrow and get this thing done," he states with finality.
He places his hands on the couch to push himself up to his feet, but Amy clasps his right forearm before he has a chance to rise more than an inch or so from his spot.
"Sheldon, wait. I may have come around on the idea of a simple union, but we do have other factors to consider. Namely, friends and family."
She sees that Sheldon doesn't look thrilled by this complication, and he very quickly attempts to brush the issue off with a compromise.
"We'll send them an email. I'll even let you take one of those hideous 'selfies' that everyone is so fond of." That's actually kind of a big concession for Sheldon. Usually, when they are out and about and she gets out her selfie stick, she turns around to find that Sheldon has mysteriously wandered off.
"No, Sheldon. I mean that they should be present for the ceremony. My mother… I may have a complicated relationship with my mother, but I can't do this without inviting her. And what about your own mother and Meemaw?"
Sheldon's face softens at the mention of these beloved women, as Amy knew it would.
"Ok," he concedes with a sigh, "I guess we may need to defer to some modicum of custom. However, I'd prefer to keep such things to an absolute minimum."
"Agreed."
"Very well," he nods and she sees his eyes sparkle as an idea comes to him. "Are you familiar with the Calculus of Variations and the Mountain Pass Theorem?"
"Obviously."
"Well, if we map out the variables and constants associated with our wedding planning situation, we can then formulate an analogous equation and calculate the extrema. Keeping these points in mind, we can proceed to select a course of action that will best align with our interests."
"You mean choose the path of least resistance?"
He wrinkles his nose at the over-simplification. "Well, that's a bit folksy, but more or less, yes."
She finds it so sexy when Sheldon applies his genius and love of mathematics to their everyday life. Amy reaches for a takeout menu that has been left on the coffee table and fans her reddening face.
She notices that Sheldon's own eyes are a bit dilated when he looks her in the eye and says, "I think we're going to need the whiteboard."
"Yes. I think that's probably for the best," she answers breathily. She bites her lip briefly, before releasing it and continuing, "We need to lay out all of the information clearly. It wouldn't do to miss out on some critical piece of data."
She sees Sheldon swallow harshly and watches his ears turn pink. It seems that he can no longer hear the word 'data' from her without having very non-mathematical thoughts.
All of a sudden, he clears his throat and then stands to march over and get out his whiteboard. For as enthusiastic as Sheldon has been about their forays into sexual intimacy, she isn't surprised to see him shut down his arousal in favor of working on this odd wedding schema. After all, it's quite difficult to come between her genius and his whiteboard.
He uncaps a blue marker, and she knows that he means business because he doesn't even stop to sniff it for blueberries. Instead, he immediately writes and underlines 'Constants' and 'Variables'.
"Perhaps it is best to start with the certainties," he says and puts a bullet point under constants.
"Sheldon, you know that these things are not numbers, and you can't really translate these factors into an actual graph or equation, right?"
"Of course not. It's merely an analogy, a way to best analyze the situation. We need to figure out which things must occur and then take the liberty of minimizing the variables for issues where it's possible."
"That does seem like a reasonable approach," Amy replies and starts to think it over. "Well, we need to figure out the who, when, where, and how for our wedding. I'd say the only absolute constants are the people that must be invited. We share pretty much the same circle of friends, so I don't think we'll have any great difficulty keeping this constant to a minimum."
"Indeed. I say we put the kibosh on inviting treasured acquaintances. I have ten friends, now that Howard has been upgraded." He lists them on the board but then frowns and crosses one off. "I doubt that Stephen Hawking will be able to make it."
The remaining list contains 8 people: Leonard, Penny, Howard, Bernadette, Raj, Emily, Stuart, and Wil.
Amy assumes she must be the other missing member of Sheldon's ten friends. She kind of wishes that she could add more to the list, but in many ways her world is still very small. It has grown a great deal, and she can think of several treasured acquaintances, but there are none she deems worthy of attending their small ceremony. It could be considered sad, but Amy prefers having her few close friends over having a hundred meaningless ones.
"That looks like a manageable list," she says. "As for family, I propose that we invite only immediate family members. For me, that means just my mother." Amy has no brothers or sisters, and her father is forever an unknown, a one-night stand that her mother refuses to speak further about.
Sheldon writes Amy's mother on the list and then adds his own mother and Meemaw.
"Siblings?" Amy reminds him.
He sighs and looks reluctant when he adds Missy and George Jr. "Missy's husband would need to stay in Texas to watch their child, so I think it's just these four for me."
The list stands at a lucky thirteen guests, which is well below Sheldon's trample limit. It still feels increasingly like an intrusive crowd, but she knows that it is right to include these essential people in something as important as this.
"Every other factor is much more variable," Sheldon says. "The when, where, and how can be molded into whatever we want. We'll have to think about what would make for the simplest and most enjoyable option. I'm not sure about most of these details, but I do think that the least objectionable answer for when would be soon."
Amy nods in agreement because she certainly isn't interested in foot-dragging their engagement. There's been plenty enough of that already with Leonard and Penny.
Sheldon continues, "It might be best to let our guests have some notice. Halloween is only a few months away and is the greatest holiday of the year. It might make for an interesting wedding date. What do you think?"
Amy visualizes outrageous costumes and an even more terrifying than normal Emily. It could be a lot of fun, but she can't imagine it would go over terribly well with his conservative mother. "Do you really want to hear a lecture from your mother about satan, paganism, and so forth?"
"Amy, I know enough about religion that I could flood her arguments with copious amounts of historical facts. I could even debate theology with her, not that I care to. Halloween can easily be seen as a respectful night of vigil before All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day. Even Meemaw loves Halloween."
The idea of getting married on the creepiest day of the year is about as weird as she can imagine, and thus seems kind of right.
"Admit it, Sheldon. You just want to dress up as Spiderman for our nuptials," she says with a smirk.
Before he responds, she sees Sheldon smile, recognition coming over his face that she has agreed to his peculiar suggestion. "That's quite a difficult decision, actually. I suspect I'll once again need to defer to some degree of decorum. Nevertheless, the possibilities are intriguing."
Adopting the thinking man's pose, Sheldon cups his chin in his palm. He has apparently forgotten about his uncapped marker because she can see that he is inadvertently decorating his own cheek with a long, blue smear. If he isn't careful, he's going to wind up with that thing up his nose. At least it will smell nice, she supposes.
Amy walks over to Sheldon and frees his face from his own accidental assault. She puts the cap on the marker and sets it back on the tray of the board. It is amusing to look over his writing and see that they have planned more of their wedding in twenty minutes than Leonard and Penny have in over a year.
Nevertheless, she has had enough planning for now. Stepping in close to Sheldon's body, she feels her breasts brush against his chest. His respiration rate is markedly higher than normal, and she senses it speed up even further when she licks her thumb slowly. Raising it to his face, she sees him swallow unsteadily. She gently scrubs the blue mark from his cheek and wonders if he even realizes that he had made a mess.
Sheldon is decidedly less concerned about messes these days, thankfully, and she feels his arms wrap firmly around her body. When he leans down and parts her lips with his own, she starts to suspect that he is done with the planning for now just as much as she is.
As her mind clouds over with lust, she finds herself agreeing with Sheldon's last statement. The possibilities are definitely looking intriguing.
—-
Notes: I had a lot of fun with this story, so I decided to continue it. These followup chapters are all fully written, and I'm planning to post as regularly as possible for the next week or so. As always, feel free to let me know what you think.
Thanks to the very busy mphs95 for taking the time to beta read several sections of this story.
