A/N: Thanks for the reviews, people. Much appreciated. :)
Enjoy!
7. Instinct
Lucas sighed deeply looking into his closet. He couldn't believe all his clothes were either dirty or in the washing machine. Completely desperate, he pulled out one of his old, very old hoodies imprinted with the logo of Keith's garage. It wasn't like he was going to a gala event anyway, merely to one of Jamie's running competitions. Since the boy had lost the last couple of times, Haley had asked everyone to support him. Lucas decided to walk since the place of the competition wasn't far away and soon arrived at the entrance of the woods.
In the meanwhile, Peyton had already been standing at the entrance together with Taylor for about five minutes and was for the millionth time picking up Noah's pacifier. It was one of his latest ways to test his mother's patience: throwing his pacifier out of his crib or stroller, mostly when he felt Peyton's attention decreasing.
"Now you aren't being nice to mommy," Peyton groaned picking it up from the earth. "I-"
She simply let the pacifier fall back on the ground seeing Lucas come up to them. Her words staggered in her throat as she saw he was dressed the exact same way he was when she had first truly set eyes on him. In that moment, all of a sudden, she realized he had become that guy again, good and honest. He had had a couple of dates but hadn't thrown himself into a relationship again, he had treated Taylor with respect, had let her be and handled Noah as if he was a treasure.
She felt a shiver ran down her spine when he kissed her cheek. Futher she couldn't keep her eyes off him when he continued to awkwardly shake Taylor's hand and felt something wrench inside of her when he picked up Noah and kissed the boy all over his face. It was almost as if she fell back in love. She pushed that ridiculous thought away, picked up the pacifier to put in her pocket and smiled at Taylor.
However, he was neither blind nor stupid. He felt anger boil inside of him. He knew she couldn't help what she felt but he wished she wouldn't make promises or reassure him she doesn't love him anymore when she obviously still did. Yes, her saying she'd forever love Lucas had stopped a while ago, while it seemed to Taylor to opposite was true: as weeks passed and she saw him interacting with Noah she seemed to rediscover her love for him or better said: she could think of him and love him with warm sentiments again. However, Taylor decided to let this go, as he had let all glances of her at Lucas go the past weeks, and decided to make this a pleasant afternoon.
As they stepped closer to the running tracks, Lucas looked at Noah, whose stroller he was pushing. The baby boy was laying down facing him and laughed heartily at the jolts the bumpy woods road caused. He had let out his first laugh two weeks ago Peyton had said, as she had been playing with him and the big fluffed tiger, a present from Brooke. Lucas hadn't been there, and Taylor had, like he would probably also be there for the first sit, standing up, walk and word. Not him.
While he blamed Peyton for that, because she couldn't let the past go, he knew it was also his fault. If he hadn't denied his feelings for so long, they would've probably been together now, as a family. Now things were quite different. He was pushing the stroller of the child he had with Peyton, but she was behind him walking hand in hand with another man. It's not quite the future he had envisioned when he had written predictions like 'Peyton Sawyer will become Peyton Scott'.
Lucas briefly stopped pushing the stroller and Noah looked up at him expecting. Suddenly he resumed pushing the stroller over a rock and smiled at the laughter that followed before repeating the same action.
"Screwing with the kid's head," Nathan said and Peyton smiled. "Nice one."
Suddenly they saw a bunch of children bouncing and realized they had arrived at the place where the competition would take place. Haley already looked concerned at the muddiness of it all as the vision of her scrubbing his clothes flashed in front of her eyes.
As they cheered for Jamie, Taylor and Peyton stood next to Lucas, who had Noah on his arm.
"Ran out of clothes?" Peyton asked.
"Life as a bachelor can be…dirty."
"Why don't you wash?" Taylor asked curiously. "I always had a maid when I was a kid and even I did my laundry on a regular basis in college."
"If there's anything I learned about him after all these years, it's that he's a momma's boy," Peyton answered. "It's really bad; he can hardly brush his own teeth, let alone wash his clothes."
"Hey," Lucas protested. "I can brush my own teeth…" He pressed a kiss on Noah's cheek. "You know daddy can brush his own teeth, huh?"
It made Peyton happy to see that after the first stumbling blocks, Noah had embraced his father into his little world. And Lucas loved him more than she had ever seen a father love a child. He was everything to him.
Peyton sighed deeply and slipped her arm around Taylor's waist yet not ready to admit that with every day that passed, he was becoming a refugee for her feelings for Lucas more and more.
x
"Damn it!" Peyton let out. She had known everybody was either coaching or having a meeting now but she had still hoped to get through some of her friends.
She had been planning to go to gift shop for Jamie's birthday with Noah while Taylor would go to work and try to convince Yanaika Myles to sign with him. However, after a long period of coughing and sneezing, Taylor had at last admitted to falling sick and agreed with Peyton that he was incapable to do anything. This meant Peyton had to take over his job since many were chasing Myles and so the artist could be another stepping stone towards true recognition.
There was one problem: Noah. "Oh, baby, what should I do with you?" Peyton asked panicky. He had grown quite a bit in three months, not ever losing his unquiet thought adventurous nature: his eyes were always wide open, curious about the world around him. Also now as Peyton held him in her arms, he twisted and turned his whole body and head, causing her to grow even more nervous: this was a creature not to be taken to a professional environment. "Well," she began eventually, despair having won over. "I guess I'll just have to take you with me. You promise to be a good boy?"
She didn't wait for his answer and simply bustled to the car. Arriving at her office, she found Yanaika already waiting aggravated in the chair before her desk. "My sincere apologies," Peyton uttered at once. "Firstly for being late, it's very unprofessional and I can't express how sorry I am; secondly because I saw myself forced to take my child with me. I hope that's not too much of a problem."
Yanaika's emerald eyes, which were emphasized by her heavy black eye-shadow and hard eye-liner, lit up seeing the baby. "I love babies!" she cried. "They're the only thing not yet aware of the evil in this world and hence can't be evil themselves."
Peyton first kinked her eyebrow but then quickly gave her a nod and her brightest smile. "So you don't mind?"
"No…" She gazed at Noah whose head stuck above the desk. "Can I hold him?"
Peyton's eyes widened. This wasn't a cherubic baby boy as people often thought at first sight, beholding his golden locks and coral eyes. "Huh…" She was hesitant as she didn't want the hottest new talent in town to run away as if she was being by wild hounds.
"Please?"
"OK," Peyton replied and handed him over carefully. She heaved a sigh of relief when he stayed calm.
"What a beautiful boy you are," she cooed. "Pretty blue eyes."
Softly Peyton bit her bottom lip and pulled out Yanaika's contract and a pen. "So… you ready to negotiate?"
x
With Noah hanging against her body and Jamie's huge, in purple glitter-paper wrapped present in her hands, Peyton stormed into the Scott-James' hall. "Sorry!" she cried hanging up her coat. "Taylor is sick and I couldn't reach any of you guys to take care of Noah so I had to take him to the office! Big problem because you know Yanaika Myles was coming today?" She smiled at her baby and took off his little coat too. "Well, I was so scared! They say she's a shrew but turns out, she loves babies! I now I shouldn't use Noah to g-"
"Sawyer!" Nathan let out loudly.
"Yes?"
"That's three times," he said. "Y-"
"Oh…" she waved his comment away before cheerfully stepping into the living room.
She almost died in shock at the very spot. Lindsey. Her again, sitting there next to Haley eating chocolate cake. "That's what I wanted to tell you…" Nathan softly said. "She's here for his birthday party."
Noah looked up at his mother, a big smile curling his lips. Not feeling the gravity of the atmosphere, he toyed with her curls and let out a small laugh. "Not now baby…" she complained, untangling his tiny hand from her hair. Normally her heart soared when he laughed at her but now she was too aggravated and embarrassed to feel anything besides that. Her son looked up at her with questioning eyes before turning his head to the people.
Immediately Lindsey bowed hers; despite being more or less over him, the image of Lucas Scott's child's face stung, especially knowing Noah was the child he had with Peyton. Baby comet, she thought inside, almost laughing at the rather unfortunate situation. It made her see ever so clearly she had wasted two years of her life trying to believe she meant more to Lucas than Peyton did.
It was weak and maybe even petty, Peyton knew, but she hated being in the same room as Lindsey and she hated that the woman couldn't seem to leave her life once and for all. Another thing that almost made her threw up is the fact that Lucas seemed to worry about Lindsey's state of mind as he looked at her sorrowful. Like she wouldn't admit any of her feelings for Lucas, she wouldn't admit the jealousy she felt either. But she was jealous. Very much, and frightened that they'd get back together despite her statements she would never go back to Lucas.
Jamie sensed her discomfort and jumped off his chair. "What do you got there, Peyton?" he asked sweetly walking up to her. "Is that for me?"
She averted her eyes from Lindsey and nodded at Jamie. "Yes…" Slowly she kneeled down and kissed his cheek. "Happy birthday, kid." She rose again and handed him the present. "Here you go…" She looked around the room and breathed in deeply. "Huh…I'm off, alright? Taylor's sick; I should go take care of him."
"P, don't go," Brooke pleaded. "Come sit next to me."
"No, I was torn on whether to come or not," she tried to convince them with a forced smile. "You should've seen him. He looks like Christian Bale in the Machinist. The dark circles under his eyes…Awful!" She realized how lame she sounded but didn't care at this point, she just wanted to get out of there and let the awful memories that woman brought back slide off her.
"Well does he want any soup?" Haley asked.
"Soup? Huh…"
"Otherwise I've still got some in the freezer."
"It's really n-"
"Oh, come on, you know how good my soups are!"
"OK then," she sighed.
She followed Haley to the kitchen, through the uneasy tension and heaved a deep sigh as she finally was isolated from the rest. "What is she doing here?" Peyton asked. "I thought last time I saw her she was gone forever."
"She's my friend…" Haley reasoned. "I told her about Jamie's birthday party and suddenly we both realized I had forgotten to invite her. It was painful! So I kind of insisted she'd come and assured her it wouldn't be uncomfortable because you have a boyfriend. I was wrong…"
"Djeez…" Peyton sighed. "Why did your son have to turn five anyway?"
"Come on, Peyton, she's just here for his birthday. Why do you care anyway?"
"What?"
"Well you made it quite clear you never want to be with Lucas again," she reasoned. "So why are you so keen on leaving?"
"Because of that woman!"
"She was a victim as much as you!"
"I. Don't. Like. Her," she shortly said.
"You're worried."
She frowned confused. "About what?"
"That he might go back to her."
"That's not true!" she raised her voice. "I just don't feel comfortable around Lindsey. Especially not with Noah." She held her son closer to her body and stroke the blond fluff on his head.
"Sure, I believe you," Haley brushed her comment off sarcastically. "You know what, Peyton? You've become just as bad as he was a year ago. You love Lucas but you're hiding your heart out of pride and fear! You're hiding it with Taylor."
"Take that back!" she cried angrily.
Noah began to cry and Peyton shot Haley a death-glare. "Look now what you did. I will not stand here listening to you demeaning my relationship," she spat out. "I'm taking my son and I'm going home, and I'm going to take care of Taylor out of love, not out of fear." She turned around and stepped through the living room again.
"Where are you going?" Nathan asked.
"Home, as I said I would," she replied growling.
"I was supposed to take Noah tonight," Lucas said.
"That was something I gave you," she snapped. "You can come get him tomorrow, on Wednesday and in the weekend as we had arranged."
Lucas eyes shifted in panic. "You can't do that to me-"
"Look, this is all my fault," Lindsey began. "I will go-"
"Oh, no, stop it!" Peyton cut her off. "Stop that saintly act of yours. I'm sick and tired of it. You stay forever for all I care," she simply said. "You integrate so nicely here in Tree Hill, being Haley's best friend forever, probably Nathan's too, perhaps also Brooke's soon –who knows- and not to forget, the love of Lucas' life. Everyone loves you," she ranted pumped. "You're just so perfect. Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect!!"
She further quickly walked into the hall, snatched her coat and opened the front door. Outside, she suddenly couldn't help but burst out into tears. Instead of going to sit in her car, she walked past it and went to the nearest bench. She brushed the leaves off and sat herself down, kissing the top of Noah's head and brushing the moist of his tears away. Softly she put his pacifier in his mouth and a couple of her curls in his hand. She had noticed her hair calmed him down like Frank Sinatra did; it gave him the feeling of being sheltered.
She wasn't surprised when she saw Nathan running towards her instead of Lucas. He was probably consoling Lindsey now. "Nate…" she bowed her head, indicating she wasn't in the mood to talk.
"Sawyer… I'm not here to judge."
"Haley is doing it again."
"She cares about Lucas, and she cares about you," he explained "and she believes you two are hurting yourselves by not being together." Peyton let out a sob. "So why did you go all American Psycho in there?" he then asked. "No offense, Sawyer, but you seem to be losing it."
Noah now stuck out his hand at Nathan, who grabbed it smiling at his nephew. "Yeah… psycho mommy, huh?" He felt sorry for this child since he somewhere saw it as another victim of the Lucas and Peyton tragic love story. Babies are supposed to be born into a loving family but this one was immediately scarred from birth.
"Nate…" Peyton began with shaking voice, the tears rolling over her cheeks. "I'm happy with Taylor and I think I have kind of moved on but seeing Lindsey again brings back all these memories and I…I feel so inferior to her."
"How so?"
"I don't know. When I came back, you know, after my bad time in LA…Ugh, I can't explain it. It's just…She is just so perfect, you know? Back then, I wasn't just hurt because he had moved on, but because he had moved on to a girl like her. So sugar-sweet, goddamn perfect."
"I don't get it."
"It's because I'm not, Nate," she sobbed. "I'm a mess. I can try to hide it with a job I genuinely enjoy, a great boyfriend and a beautiful, beautiful child, but deep inside I'm still a mess. I'll always be a mess; it's in my nature. And then I think…" She paused. "That's why he didn't want me then, because I am who I am. I begged him to come back to me and he just beat me down time and time again. Because I'm not as perfect as her."
"Maybe," he replied.
"What?"
"But I don't think of you as a mess; you're just complicated, Peyton. That's what drew him to you in the first place but I think…" He sighed. "I think that when you said 'someday', he was too hurt to try and see where you were coming from. So he stopped knowing you like he once did; it hurt him too much to think about why you wouldn't want to marry him because it brought his own traumas back, like always being rejected by Dan. He believed you didn't want him because you thought he wasn't good enough for you."
"That doesn't excuse what he did to me since I proved that wasn't the case."
"-"
"No, stop."
"B-"
"I can't hear one more person saying he was afraid. Don't you think I was too? But I got over it and I swallowed my pride and basically begged him to not marry her. I felt and still feel like such a fool, Nate." Her bottom lip trembled as the tears kept flowing. "And she only reminds me of how humiliated I felt. He humiliated me with her."
"I'm sorry…" he silently said.
"I am too."
"How come Noah's here?"
"What?" she said. "I told you T-"
"No, I always wondered why you slept with Lucas after you were…"
"Oh…" she shook her head with an almost mocking chuckle at what she did that night. "Because he's Lucas and I know I said I hated him but I really didn't and I still don't. I'll never hate him. And when a guy you love as much as I love-d Lucas, kisses you and touches you the way he did, you eventually give in, Nate."
"I never told this to anyone but…Haley wanted to make love to me," he told her. "After she came back from tour and we were on, huh, not so good terms. But I…I rejected her."
She stared in front of her, into nothing. "Well maybe… I loved him more than you loved Haley."
Nathan looked shocked considering the possibility. "Love like that doesn't fade," he then said firmly.
"Maybe not…But the hurt I experienced doesn't either."
"Because you don't let it."
"Nate… I kind of have been thinking about going back to LA," she changed the subject.
"What?" he asked. "Why?"
"Well Taylor doesn't complain but I can see he isn't too fond of this rural way of living. He loves the city and … me too."
"You can't do that to Luke. That boy you're holding now is his life, Peyton."
"But people do this all the time!" she reasoned. "Why should I be different?"
"Because he's Lucas and you know his background," he retorted with rising anger.
"I don't see-"
"All the way from the start
I would try to change
The things that killed our love
pride has built a wall, so strong
That I can't get through," he recited. "It's from a song by the Scorpions Haley gave me when we were broken up, and I too was too proud to go back to her despite her reaching out."
"It's not out of pride!"
"No? What was that talk about being humiliated then?"
"You wouldn't judge!"
"You said you wouldn't take his child away from him. Seems we're both breaking our promises," he spat out. "It would be a mistake. Peyton…" he sighed "no one here in Tree Hill believes you don't love Lucas anymore or that you love Taylor more."
"I never claimed that!"
"So that's fair you think? Poor Taylor."
"I chose him over Lucas!"
"Because you're TOO PROUD! And that isn't you. You're losing the integrity Lucas used to praise you for."
"I'm not! How dare you speak like that to me?" She stood up and now walked to her car much firmer, without looking back. She loved Taylor. She wasn't too proud, she was just protecting herself. Who did these people even think they are? It's not like they were perfect, though they certainly acted so.
Coming home, she first laid Noah who had fallen asleep during the ride, in his crib and then sat herself down on their bed, which Taylor was laying on looking pitiful. He had the white blanket wrapped tightly around his body. She crawled behind him and slipped her arms and legs around him as she kissed his neck softly. "Do you want me to get you anything?"
"I'm fine," he said with a shiver. "How was the birthday party?"
"OK," she lied. "He liked my car."
"Good."
"Taylor, what do you think about going back to LA?" She was reaching her breaking point in her denial towards her love for Lucas and needed to run as fast as possible now, like Lucas had wanted to flee into marriage with Lindsey.
"Really? I thought you said you didn't want to."
"I've been thinking about it and changed my mind."
"I think that would be great but what about Noah?"
"We can work something out. But don't you worry about that now," she said settling her head in his shoulder. "We have to get you better first anyways."
x
Resuming her parental leave, Peyton sat in the garden of her house, with her baby phone next to her and a book by Elizabeth George in her hands. It was already quite warm for a March day and so she had decided to wear a long-sleeved, V-neck white dress this morning. The weight she had gained during pregnancy was all gone thanks to her fitness tapes and the stress her relationship with Lucas continued to bring along.
Speaking of the devil, he entered her garden without asking and plumped himself down on the chair next to her sans scruples. "When were you planning on telling me?" he asked sternly. "About LA?"
"Well nobody told me about Lindsey coming yesterday either," she replied pettily, without laying her eyes on him.
"Put that book down and stop being so childish," he growled.
Startled at his aggressive tone, Peyton looked up and lowered her book. "Who are you to talk like that to me on my own property?"
"Noah's father."
"I don't like it here anymore!" she defended herself. "When I was pregnant I thought Tree Hill was the best place to raise him, but I simply don't feel home here anymore. Everything reminds me of the bad things I went through here, from my mother's death to you," she spat. "Going to LA is necessary if I want to give Noah a warm mother instead of a bitter one. Besides, after all the months we've been here, Taylor still doesn't feel it here; LA has been his home all his life."
"You tell these things like there's no room for discussion!" he said aggravated. "You seem to have already made up your mind but you can't do this to me! You can't take my son away from me."
"I'm not doing anything of the sort. LA isn't Timbuktu."
"How am I ever going to bond with him if he's in LA? It's the other side of the country!"
"Oh, Lucas…" she sighed annoyed. "Why are you here? You know you don't have any legal power to keep him in Tree Hill anyways. As long as I don't leave the country with him you don't have any rights and you know it."
"What has gotten into you?" he asked taken aback by her attitude. He had finally thought to have gotten through her armour. Not that he already could reach her heart but at least she had been kinder to him. Now that had all of a sudden disappeared. "Is this about yesterday? With Lindsey? Because I was as surprised to see her as you. Haley didn't tell anyone. If you're jealous-"
She let out a cold chuckle. "You wish."
"Think about our son!" he pleaded.
"He'll have a good life there."
"Without me?"
"Yes, without you!" she now cried. "People's lives do tend to be better when you're not involved." He bowed his head and Peyton did so too, realizing she had made a mistake. "I'm sorry," she apologized. She rose from her chair and went to sit on his one. "I shouldn't have said that. But can't you see where I'm coming from? And this doesn't mean you won't be seeing anything of Noah. We can arrange it so that you have him two weeks or even a month uninterrupted during holidays and perhaps a weekend a month too. It'd come down to you having him three days a week now."
"Just stay…" he insisted.
She shook her head stubbornly, looking down. "Impossible."
"Please," he raised his voice.
"No," she replied just as loud.
"This is useless."
"What is?"
"This mask you've had on for God-knows-how-long now. I can see through it, I just can't seem to pull it off. If I hurt you so much, if you thought of me so lowly, than why do you insist on being the same?"
"I'M NOT THE SAME."
She wanted to stand up but he grabbed her arm and pulled her back down. "What are you running from? Scared we're going to rip each other's clothes off?"
"Ass," she let out through clenched teeth.
"This isn't only about Noah. I still love you and I don't want you to leave again," he told her. If there's anything he had learned from the mess he had created not so long ago, it's better to wear your heart on your sleeve than hide it under empty words and promises. His fingers traced her shoulder and she pulled it away from him. His stare intensified. "How can it be that two people who share as much love and passion as we do can't be happy together?"
"Look in the mirror," she let the words slip bitterly out of her mouth.
It was the first indication in such a long time he had gotten she wasn't over him. He cupped her cheek and turned her head towards him before sliding hand deeper in her curls. "So it's over, Peyt?" he asked as he moved his head closer. His lips so close to hers they nearly touched.
She nodded. "It is."
Before she could protest, he took her head between his hands and kissed her. Instinctively she did the same and he faintly smiled against her lips. It had been so long since he had felt her, really felt her with love, with tenderness. She opened her mouth slightly, allowing him to slide his tongue in.
She moaned softly as their kiss grew more passionate and he carefully proceeded to lay her down. She closed her eyes as he buried his lips in her neck, and let her fingers run through his hair. He kissed her nape, her cheek, her tempel, her nose before crashing his mouth into hers again. And she let it all happen.
Touching him like this evoked a whirlwind of emotions, where under hate and love, inside of Peyton and she soon felt as if she couldn't breathe. She pushed him off, turned her back at him and burst into tears spontaneously, covering her mouth. She couldn't control herself around him, which was how they had been branded cheaters a long time ago and why there was a baby phone standing next to her: they were an instinct to each other they didn't possess any power over. He was dangerous and should leave before this escalated and they'd hurt another person.
"Go," she ordered.
"How can I? You still love me; I feel it."
"No!" she objected pushing him away. "My worst nightmare has come true! I've turned into you."
"I saw that coming from miles away," he replied. He felt intimidated by the fire in her eyes burning upon his words but didn't go anywhere.
She stood up and turned her back at him. "Go," she repeated.
"Peyt…" He stepped behind her and softly laid his hand on her shoulder. "I-"
"No no no!" she cried. "I didn't fall for your cheap words one year ago; I'm not going to now either. And I told you not to call me by that name so many times now I can't count it on my one hand anymore! It is over, as I had said. It's been long over. You were wrong before, I don't feel any passion or love for you. No, I tolerate you because you happen to be the father of my child," she ranted as his posture continued to shrink. "I love Taylor and if you think I'll leave him for you you're crazy. I'm leaving you for him, if you hadn't noticed already. I'm going to LA and you'll be nothing but a ghost from the past that used to haunt me. More so than before I'll break all bonds and you will be nothing."
At that moment, he at last understood her, why she had been how she was for so long. Finally she had broken him like he had broken her. It was more than a knife twisting into an already open wound, it was a sharpness ripping and cutting his whole being apart. Not just his heart, but he was broken. He had given his all and it had still not been enough.
A part of Peyton had wanted him to scream at her again and this quietness displeased her. She turned her head when she continued to hear nothing but silence. Her eyes widened as she saw him reach for his chest and breathe heavily. "Luke!" she cried with immediate tears in her eyes as she now saw him falling to the ground. She didn't know, but with all the fuss around her going to LA, he had forgotten to take his pills, with now dire consequences.
"…ambulance…" he managed to squeeze out of his throat.
When she came back in the yard after calling, she saw he had lost consciousness and fell next to him in sheer panic. What if what she had just said would be the last words she had ever said to him? She didn't mean a thing of what she said but a part of her had grown bitter towards him. The darkness had made her do things she would've never imagined doing to him. She had cherished him for so long and eventually hadn't been able to handle the fact that he had seemed to do the opposite. Now she realized she had like Nathan had said, indeed lost her integrity.
This was because she had wanted to hurt him on purpose earlier. See, after all she had done to him, she still hadn't been pleased nor had she lost her need for revenge. He had never seemed as hurt as she was when she beheld Lindsey's ring or when she had to undergo him talking about her after the altar debacle. She had desired to see the same hurt on his face just so he would've known how it feels. In the core, Nietzsche says, everyone is evil and pushing her love for Lucas away had made that malice come to the surface.
However she knew now what she had done was wrong yet could also understand Lucas' actions better. She was fiercer, more verbally aggressive but yet again it was proven how much alike they were deep inside. They had punished each other for leaving each other, for burying their hearts and denying their true want.
The tears stood in her eyes but didn't fall; she just breathed heavily and held his face. "They're coming, Luke, OK, honey?" she said to him. "Just hang in there."
x
When Haley entered Lucas' room, she saw Peyton's hands by Lucas' left, her curls splattered all across them. Lucas was in a coma and the doctors didn't know when he was going to wake up from it. Even though both Lucas and Peyton had their eyes closed and couldn't hear her, Haley felt like she was intruding a moment. You often had that with the two. Whether they were just talking, listening to music together or even having a fight, coming into a room with them in it felt like intruding because they had their own world, and they were the only inhabitants. Well, them and Noah now she had seen whenever their child was with them.
Taylor bumped into Haley as she went out, gazed at his girlfriend and then bowed his head. You could view Peyton laying on Lucas' bed as a friend being supportive or a fiend feeling guilty but he knew better. "I…I…" he stumbled.
"I'm sorry," Haley simply said. "Come with me, Taylor, let's have a coffee."
He nodded and they went upstairs. After they got themselves a good table, Haley softly laid her hand over his. "I'm going to be honest with you... I don't get it."
"What?"
"Lucas and Peyton. I don't get them. Together. I always thought Lucas was better off with Brooke and later Lindsey, though I supported his relationship with Peyton. Same with Peyton. I thought Jake was a far better match for her and now I think that of you."
"Why?"
"Because they're both fucked up. They both have a dark, complicated nature, perhaps it was their destiny as they were both somehow abandoned as babies but either way, that's just the way they are. I always thought they needed an uncomplicated person to complete them, you see."
"Look-"
"I guess I don't understand," she began to clarify "because I'm not supposed to. No one is, maybe not even them. Their love isn't something they choose for and I think in many ways they would be better off if they didn't love each other but that's just the way it's meant to be. You can't question it because you simply won't find an answer. Soulmates. It might be a cliché term, but that's what they are and as long as either of them denies that, they mow people down on their way to being happy together. Oh Taylor," she sighed. "I hate telling you these things but aren't you seeing it with yourself? You seem to have turned into a paranoid version of the guy you were when you arrived here."
"I've always thought of it somewhere," he admitted sighing. "But it's only recently I started believing it. I knew she loves me a lot and so for a while I believed -or hoped- that love would once grow to be bigger than what she feels for him. But that day in the woods... I realized...Well you know. I was angry at first, then more so hurt but now I'm just, I guess, laying myself down with the fact that if I don't make an end to our relationship, it will crumble eventually, because of him. He's like this dark, menacing shadow constantly hanging over us and I'm tired of ignoring it." He paused. "Just exhausted."
x
A week passed wherein Lucas remained unconscious and Peyton remained by his bedside. Taylor closed his eyes to it. He'd break up with her as soon as Lucas showed signs of improvement. It'd be tough and though the short pain was better, he couldn't possibly do it to her now, as he was in a coma. Despite everything, Taylor saw she had grown to love him very much. Not as much as she loved Lucas but to reach that amount was impossible, he had known deep inside and from the beginning.
Peyton was unaware of Taylor's state of mind. Her life the past week had consisted of only Lucas, her guilt over what she had said and the love she despite this situation would not admit. Right now she was asleep, her head resting near his waist so that a big part of his arm was covered with her hair.
Then, suddenly, around four o'clock in the afternoon, Lucas opened his eyes. He wasn't quite sure why but the first thing that came to his mind was look down at his left. At Peyton. He remembered their conversation but wasn't angry with her. He had done all of that before and it had led to nothing. He was just happy to see she had been by his side, even if she wasn't outside the hospital, in life or romantically. It was nice to feel her curls on his skin. He let his fingers run through them softly, wishing he could once do this without feeling sneaky.
Her eyes fluttered open and further widened in joy and surprise. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she cried as she hugged him tightly. "I didn't mean what I said." She pulled back and looked into his eyes as tears streamed down her face. "I won't go to LA, alright? I was wrong to imply Noah's life is better without you when you've only enriched it. I'm so sorry, Luke."
He was just about to speak when Haley came in and felt like an intruder again. However, instead of letting them be she now ran to her friend and embraced him, crying about how happy she was he was alright.
x
Finally, in the evening, Peyton returned home from the hospital, ready to say how glad she was he had woken up when she stumbled upon a bunch of Taylor's suitcases. Packed. Confused, she began to shout his name and walked nervously through the house as she didn't immediately receive an answer. Entering her bedroom, she saw him pull out a few CDs out of their collection that were originally his.
"What are you doing?" she asked.
He looked up at her and turned his body her way. "Taking my CDs." From the moment he had heard the news of Lucas' waking up, he had driven home to pack his bags.
"I can see that!" she replied aggravated. "Why?"
"You know why."
"No, I don't. Do enlighten me. Is it because I held my unconscious friend company at his bedside?"
"Almost," he replied. "It's because he's much more than a friend and because every time I'm in the company of you two, I feel uncomfortable. I don't like that. It's not me. And unlike that Lindsey girl I'm not going to let this situation drag on. I've seen enough."
"But Tay-"
"You don't have to feel guilty or sorry," he said. "It's my fault really, you warned me."
"But Taylor, I love you! Me and Lucas are a thing of the past an-"
"And present, and future," he cut her off now frustrated. "Just let me go, Peyton. It's the best for everyone and especially to me. It will be like liberation."
"Why, thanks!" she cried angered. "I didn't realize I was such a prison to you!"
"Yes, well, if it's any consolation, I don't blame you. I chained myself willingly because I'm so hopelessly in love, but these last few weeks have made me see it's better to walk out, despite what I feel. I can never compare to him and you know it."
"I DON'T. DON'T LEAVE!!"
"Hysteria doesn't suit you, Peyton."
She gazed around her desperately as he simply moved closer, kissed her cheek and walked to the door. "Taylor, don't go!" she begged. "Tell me what I have to do to save this relationship and I will! I'll do everything!"
"Turn back time and prevent him from being conceived."
"IS THIS A JOKE TO YOU!?"
"I wish it was."
"You're being unreasonable," she said calmer.
"Actually I'm more reasonable than ever." He sighed seeing her scowl and got a bit teary-eyed. "Peyton, you know I love you, more than I can express, but I don't see us working out in the future. It breaks my heart, but that's just the way it is. I'm sorry. Please don't come after me; it'd only make things harder for me and also for you as nothing you say could persuade me."
Upon those words, she simply watched him leave and burst into a loud crying after he pulled the door close behind him. She couldn't believe this. Had she not loved him the way one should? In her mind she had and she found what he had done utterly unfair. In fury, she took one of the picture frames on the cupboard standing next to her and threw it against the wall hard, feeling a sense of satisfaction coming over her as she saw the glass splinter.
The satisfaction wore off quickly but she didn't trash the rest of her house to feel better and instead spent the evening crying until she was sure her eyes would be damaged by the salt. Perhaps he had been a second choice, but she loved him immensely and unlike him, she had seen a future with him. She would've said 'yes' if he had proposed and she would've been willing to travel at world's end for him. Instead she'd have to get over him, which would be a very hard task. What would be after she didn't know but she felt there were only two paths for her to tread. One, going back to Lucas; two, stay single forever.
She didn't wish to think about that now, but saw the latter looming behind the corner which after all she had been through, mightn't be so bad. Compared to the stormy relationship she had had with Lucas since she was sixteen a humble, nun-like existence actually seemed quite attractive. She could only hope that was actually so.
Tell me what you think!
