Episode 7- The Hundred Years' War (pilot episode)
In which Francois suffers a bad case of plague and nearly dies from humiliating defeats.
Once upon a time, in a house called the Roman Empire, a five-year-old child named Artair Imperiosus, who would later be called Arthur Kirkland, lived with various other nation-tans. Some (Scotland, Ireland, and Wales) were his actual brothers through his mother Britannia. Others (like Spain, Greece, and France) were his half-brothers through his father the Roman Empire.
But one day, in 476 AD, the Roman Empire was killed in a duel with mean old Uncle Germania, who also bulled Spain (now called Antonio Fernandez Carriedo), France (now Francois Bonnefoy), and, yes, little Arthur.
That all changed in 1066, when Arthur's teenage brother Francois took him into his wing. For a while, Arthur spent his time touring Francois' cities and fighting the Crusades alongside him. The now 12-year-old Arthur was a child prodigy in warfare, so his big brother Francois, himself having been a child prodigy, was delighted.
In one crusade, the young English boy thought, "'Tis quite fun to fight in a war alongside my big brother. Somehow, I feel so much like my father, Romulus Imperiosus. I should practice fighting with my big brothers Scott, Owen, and Patrick. I can't wait to fight an actual war!"
But one day, by the beginning of the 14th century, in a skirmish with his big brother Scott McAlister, an unusual phenomenon took place.
"Ha-ha! Take that, you big bully!" shouted the 13-year-old Arthur with playful delight.
"Ha-ha! Ye won't git past me, ye vile betrayer, ye!" growled the 19-year-old Scott playfully.
The 17-year-old Owen Kirkland and the 15-year-old Patrick McCormick just watched on to their own amusement.
Suddenly, Arthur started to cough and hack violently. "Ach, Arthur!" exclaimed Scott with genuine concern in his voice. 'What is wrong with ye?"
"It could be asthma," said Patrick, the whimsical Irishman he was.
"Or it could be consumption," suggested Owen, the shy Welshman he was.
"Or it could be puberty," groaned Scott, the angry Scotsman he was. "Arthur is the youngest of us and therefore the last of us to hit puberty, and I reckon that once he hits puberty, he'll soon be corrupted."
Unfortunately, Scott was right. And by 1337, Arthur had become a bully. That year was the year the 14-year-old English youth snuck up on his big brother Francois, stabbing him in the back with his sword.
Francois began to weep upon being stabbed, the sword still in his back. The French teenager just felt betrayed by his little brother's first cruel act. It was also that first cruel act that ignited the Hundred Years' War. For the first time ever in almost 1000 years, brother would fight brother.
By 1340, Francois and Arthur were no longer friends. In fact, they were enemies, and would remain so for the next 100 years or so. And for many years, Arthur seemed to get the upper hand, like in 1346 at the Battle of Crecy, where he and Edward the Black Prince drove Francois to a disastrous defeat.
"Ha-ha-ha!" chuckled Arthur in a cold, gravelly voice that made him sound much older than his 14-year-old appearance. "You thought you could beat me, eh, what, big brother?" And he shot arrows and cannonballs at his own big brother.
Francois shuddered at how his little brother, who had once been a sweet kid, had come to be a ruthless and greedy young man who would stop at nothing to get what he wanted.
After Crecy, however, things would only go from bad to worse.
In 1347, a little flea no bigger than the head of a pin jumped onto a black rat. Unfortunately for the rat, the flea had a strange disease called the plague, so the rat died.
The flea was plenty dissatisfied at this and so sought out some more rats to infect. Luckily for him, he spied something even better. A nation-tan, with golden hair and ocean-blue eyes. That nation-tan, of course, was our hero, Francois Bonnefoy, at the human age of 17.
The flea then got an idea. So he jumped onto the French teenager and Francois too caught the plague, albeit a mild form of it. Yes, in 1347, the people of Marseilles were infected by the plague.
Of course, a year later, Francois' plague only got even worse, because by then, the plague had reached Paris and Francois lost the will to fight. In 1349, Arthur too caught the plague and Francois himself, who came to believe that he got the plague as a punishment from God, decided to become a flagellant, someone who believed that he should go around whipping himself.
One day, as the plague-ridden French teenager went around whipping himself, he came across a thief. The thief shouted, "GIVE US YER MONEY! GIVE US YER MONEY 'ER I'LL WHACK YOU WITH ME CUDGEL!"
"Ah, so you'll hit me with your cudgel, non?" asked Francois. "What kind of a threat is that? I am hitting myself with this here sexy whip." Just then, Francois seemed to remember something. "Ah, zut," he groaned. "Just look what you have made me do. I should be abstaining from talking. I shall have to whip myself as punishment." And he whipped himself.
"Why ain't ya supposed to talk?" asked the thief.
"I have become a flagellant," explained the plague-ridden teen. "I am a boy from a sinful town wandering around and whipping myself." Then he groaned again, "ZUT! I've opened my mouth again!" And he whipped himself again.
"Well, whippin' 'er no whippin'," shouted the thief again. "Give us yer money, 'er I'll…I'll…"
"Oui?"
"I'll hit ya with this cudgel, an' I'll cut yer feet off, an' I'll gouge yer purty blue eyes out!"
"Why, that might be quite helpful, actualment," said Francois.
The thief was confused. "What?" he asked.
"Like I said, I am a flagellant. I am trying to suffer just as Jesus did so that God will save my soul. The more suffering I go through, the better. So do your worst." And Francois whipped himself again.
"FINE!" said the thief. "IF YA WON'T GIVE ME YER MONEY, THEN I'LL JUST HAVE TO HELP MYSELF!" So he tried to reach into Francois' pouch only to get a nasty whiff of the French youth. "WOW! THAT'S DISGUSTIN'!" he cried.
"Oui, je sais," Francois calmly explained. "As well as the whipping, we flagellants are forbidden to wash, shave, or change our clothes." And he whipped himself again.
"You, young man, have got quite a ding on the coconut!" said the thief, and he held his breath and dug into Francois' pouch. "WAIT A SEC!" he exclaimed. "YOU AIN'T GOT NO MONEY!"
Francois chuckled, "A-hon-hon-hon! Mais non! That is the other thing about us flagellants: We believe money to the root of all evil." And he whipped himself again. "So I have become penniless."
"Ah, shoot!" cried the thief. "What's the doggone point? I'm a hopeless thief!"
"Well, why not give it up, monsieur?" the French teenager suggested. "Come on the route avec moi. It could mean you can go to Heaven, non?"
Well, after the thief thought it over a little bit, he said, "You'll bet yer life I'll join. After all, I am a sinner."
And so, the thief walked on as Francois followed, whipping him. The thief screamed in pain and asked, "How long do we have to do this fer?"
"Well," explained Francois. "Jesus lived on this miserable Earth for 33 1/3 years, so we shall keep this up for 33 1/3 days."
"THIRTY-THREE-AND-A-THIRD DAYS!?" yelled the thief in shock.
"SILENCE, MON AMI!" shouted the French teenaged flagellant as he continued to whip the thief, the latter still screaming in pain.
Between 1346 and 1353, in seven short years, the plague, which came to be known as the Black Death, killed one-third of Europe's inhabitants. Miraculously, though, all of the nation-tans, including those who had yet to hit puberty, survived.
Once the Black Death had passed over Europe, Francois Bonnefoy and Arthur Kirkland, along with all the other nation-tans, made a nice recovery, although it would take a few centuries for Europe's population to rise to pre-Black-Death levels.
However, in 1355, Arthur made another attack on Francois, this time pillaging the south of France with his general, the Black Prince.
The following year, evil Arthur crushed his own big brother Francois again, this time at the Battle of Poitiers. Francois found that loss at high noon even greater than that of Crecy just ten years earlier.
"HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!" cackled the English teenager in a voice that chills Francois' bones even to this day. "I win again!"
In 1360, a peace treaty was signed in Bretigny. According to its terms, Arthur had to give up certain possessions in France while retaining others. But, the peace of 1360 turned out to be a shaky peace, as the teenage brothers, Francois and Arthur, still hated each other. So, in 1369, just nine years after the peace treaty was signed, war broke out again.
It wasn't until 1370 when Francois saw the full extent of how evil the 14-year-old Arthur had become. That year, Arthur and the Black Prince laid siege on the town of Limoges.
Then, the Black Prince, infuriated at the townspeople's opposition to the siege, ordered Arthur, "Kill them. Kill them all."
Then, Arthur Kirkland, following his general's orders, took out his sword and, with his soldiers, massacred 3,000 civilians: men, women, and children.
After the Black Prince's dark deed was carried out, he and his men left the besieged town. Afterwards, Francois was marching across town when he saw the town full of dead people. He was horrified. Finally, as the teenaged Frenchman walked along the blood-stained pathway, he spotted a child, lying dead on the ground. It was then and there when he fell to his knees. Tears ran down his face. He was just so upset because he never knew that Arthur Kirkland, his own little brother, would do such a terrible deed.
In 1380, Francois had a new king, Charles VI, who was only 11 years old at the time. Five years later, the 16-year-old king married a 14-year-old princess, Isabeau of Bavaria. But by the dawn of the 15th century, the king Charles VI went insane.
In 1415, Arthur Kirkland, now having the looks of a 16-year-old youth, again attacked Francois Bonnefoy, now having the looks of an 18-year-old man. It was also that year when Francois faced yet another disaster in the Crecy and Poitiers tradition, this time Agincourt.
It was around that time when Arthur and his Welsh brother Owen had learned how to use the longbow.
"Um, Arthur," stuttered Owen sheepishly. "Are you sure we can defeat Francois this way?"
"Of course, I am," replied the Englishman. And so, the two brothers fired their arrows. The arrows hit Francois in the right side, causing him to fall from his horse, Achille.
"HA-HA-HA-HA!" exclaimed Arthur in his most sinister voice. "You, Francois, have been beaten again by your own little brother!"
At those words "little brother", Francois thought back to all the good times he shared with Arthur prior to the beginning of the Hundred Years' War. They used to play with each other as boys during the Pax Romana, and they used to fight in the Crusades.
Now, all poor Francois could do was lie down in defeat. Although Francois had made a friend in Arthur's oldest brother Scott, he felt helpless. And to make matters worse, the Treaty of Troyes, signed in 1420, demanded that Arthur's boss, King Henry, not the dauphin Charles, was rightful heir to the French throne. Francois never felt so humiliated. He thought he was going to die. But then, in 1428, Francois Bonnefoy, at the human age of 19, would meet a young peasant girl in the village of Domremy. And that girl would have an unparalled impact on Francois' life.
Coming up next, Francois falls in love with a human and enlists her.
BTW, I would be lying if I said that this was not at least partially inspired by the British television series "Horrible Histories".
