Chapter 7: Advances and Setbacks
At first Severus thought he must have taken the dream-eliciting white potion at some point in the night when befuddled by sleep – he could hear Lily's sweet voice calling him and he could see her bright silver doe, radiant with her beauty. Severus was mesmerised but so perplexed at how he had managed to take the potion with no recollection of it that he was suddenly able to interpret what was going on – he wasn't dreaming – his eyes were open!
Miraculously, Lily had sent him her Patronus, which was now filling all the space within the heavy green curtains of his four-poster bed with dazzling white light that made his unaccustomed eyes water. Even more amazingly, she had somehow discovered how to use her doe to convey a message. Once the doe had seen that Severus was alert and aware of its very real presence, it blinked at him omnisciently and then began to speak, using Lily's own voice.
Sev, can I see you before the Hogsmeade trip today? Meet me in the Entrance Hall at 7:30. I'll bring breakfast. Oh, and sorry if I woke you up.
Severus was startled by the sound and shot up in his bed, terrified that the Patronus would wake his roommates before he had a chance to find his wand and cast Muffliato. Just as he cursed the silly doe, it vanished with a pop like a bubble and everything lapsed back into the dim gloom of the dormitory, made even darker by contrast to the brilliant light seconds before. Rubbing his eyes, Severus peered out between his curtains, scrutinising the other beds for any sign of disturbance and listening out for any growls of irritation or mutters of confusion.
But the room was quite still and silent. Severus withdrew back into his bed, his heart racing. Perhaps the Patronus could only be heard for the person for whom it was intended. That was useful. He shouldn't have doubted Lily's sense, he thought guiltily. He had always known she was an admirably clever witch. He hoped he could work out how to send the Patronus to her too, for the secret but direct communication would be invaluable. He would have to try when he had a moment on his own.
Severus lay back down, but by now he was wide-awake and had no intention of going back to sleep. He reflected on Lily's message… He was secretly pleased and very grateful that Lily was offering to meet him so soon, to put him out of his misery. He was yearning to hear what had happened at her Vallatus class last night with Potter, and praying that it was not good. It then occurred to him that Lily might instead be calling him to give him her answer – to say whether or not she would go out with him. A shower of cold tendrils slid beneath his nightshirt and made him shiver. He was dying to know but he had no idea what her answer would be… His blood was filled with the exhilarating mixture of fear and excitement, meaning he would never have been able to get back to sleep even if he had wanted too. Severus now felt as if he could run manically round the castle, swim mightily across the lake, and have a super-fast shower all before meeting Lily, still with enough pent-up energy to make him hang tensely on her every word like a coiled up spring, ready to bolt away or leap in the air at any second.
Alas, it was already seven o'clock, so he would have to give the run and the swim a miss. However Severus took up the super-fast shower, lathering up the soap and rubbing it all over his body with lightning speed, and for once he made the effort to wash his long black hair. It turned greasy so quickly, but for the day at least it would be clean and silky… Severus nearly laughed mockingly at his attention to his appearance, but then the thought of Lily's refusal quickly silenced the laugh in his throat. This was most definitely not a laughing matter.
Dressed in (what was for him) casual clothes – dark trousers and a long-sleeved shirt – Severus returned to the dormitory to collect his wand. Everyone else in the room was still asleep – it was Saturday morning, and most students took the opportunity to sleep in late. Severus was one of the very few who was not in the habit of indulging in this luxury, and he knew full well that when the house-elves set breakfast in the Great Hall at 7:30 there would be barely any students around. Filch would most certainly not permit students to leave for Hogsmeade at least for another two hours. So why was Lily desperate to meet him this early?
Severus didn't care. He was just pleased that she was. He exited the dormitory, strengthening himself with the thought that in an hour or two, he would have his answers.
xXxXx
The morning sun poured golden light down upon Lily as she leaned back and shook out her long red hair, and spellbound Severus' dark eyes drank in the sight. Instead of preparing to hurry down the lane to Hogsmeade with most of the other students, he and Lily were sitting alone, cross-legged on Severus's cloak covering the damp grass by the edge of the lake, savouring the last of the beautiful summer sun. It was still early so the grounds were quiet and tranquil and the bushes concealing them from the castle were glistening with dewdrops. The bright sunshine was dazzling in the cool morning air and it gleamed on the mirror-like surface of the lake. Severus once again felt as if he had tumbled into a fantasy evoked by the Dreaming Draught potion, if it was not for the wealth of unease seated in the pit of his stomach.
"So, how was it?" he asked as Lily took off her shoes. There was a sense of urgency in his voice that made a look of puzzlement form over Lily's face as she looked round, finding him studying her curiously and expectantly.
"How was what?"
"The private lesson last night!" he said exasperatedly, shaking his head in disbelief. "What else?"
"You already asked me as we walked down here, Sev," Lily laughed, moving to the edge of the bank to dangle her feet in the water. "I said, it was good."
"In what way?" Severus quizzed her, anxious and afraid – particularly of how much of an influence James Potter had had on the evening. "What did you do? What did you learn?"
"Calm down, Sev, it was just a lesson!" Lily smiled. "Dumbledore did a demonstration with McGonagall and then we took it in turns in pairs to try."
"Was it easy?" Lily was by far the best at Charm work in their year; he hoped that James with his careless attitude would have floundered with something as complex as the Vallatus Charm.
"I was a bit anxious… it's not the same performing magic in the air to when you're standing safely on the ground… so it wasn't easy, but it somehow felt natural even though it was the first try. And James was really good – you know how confident a flyer he is – and he was really reassuring which helped significantly, so we got the hang of it by the end of the evening."
Lily looked at him brightly, as if about to divulge something else that pleased her, but she closed her mouth and turned back to face the lake when she saw the scowl that had formed over Severus' face. He hated any form of praise directed towards James, even if he had helped Lily… he should have been the one helping her. If truth be told, he was intrigued to know what the Vallatus Charm looked like once it worked, but he was not in the mood to pretend to be interested in something that involved James Potter.
"Is that it?" he demanded, "or have you got another cosy session?"
Lily looked back at him over her shoulders and raised her eyebrows. "There's loads more to do, Sev! We only learned the basics of a Vallatus. Now we've got to practise doing different spells whilst maintaining it, and then move on to duelling people. We're going to practise again tomorrow… Dumbledore said we might do it outside… I think he's worried our spells might miss each other and cause a lot of damage to the Great Hall!"
Lily laughed to herself, unaware of Severus murderously shredding blades of grass. It was only after his festering silence had continued for some time that Lily turned and realised he was in a temper.
"Oh come on, Sev," she said warmly, splashing her feet on the surface of the water. "It's not as if it's just me and James, and that you're missing out on something really special. There's quite a few of us, almost twenty I believe…"
"Yes, I am," muttered Severus. Being paired with Lily, and working as a team with her, was inextricable from being special. He discarded the shreds of grass and sniffed.
"Who else is there?" he asked.
"Well, Sirius is, although he looked a bit miffed that he couldn't be with James, but he and Remus were just as good."
Snape gave a snort. "Not that dunderhead. Regulus may be younger but he shows infinitely more promise, no wonder he's in the Slug Club."
Lily took her feet out of the water and edged back to sit next to Severus on his cloak; she didn't seem to have heard what he said. "Pettigrew wasn't invited though," she continued, "hardly a surprise. I think he'd faint in fright if he was more than a foot off the ground."
Severus smirked. He liked it when Lily mocked the Marauders.
"But honestly, Lily," he said in a low voice, encouraged by her closeness, "be careful of Potter."
"What do you mean?" she asked. "At least I know he's not about to jinx me like some of your friends. Don't deny that it's Avery's current fad."
"I know, but… Lily…" he spluttered, unable to find the right words. "You know what Potter's like…"
Lily looked at him intently but didn't say anything.
"He might take advantage of the situation!" he blurted.
"Excuse me?"
Severus averted his eyes, his face contorted with misgivings; he was so unsure of how to proceed.
"Lily, you know how I feel about this," he said.
"I know you dislike Potter," she affirmed.
"No… about you." He spoke barely above a whisper. Lily's gaze dropped to the ground uncomfortably and she remained silent, but Severus still stared at her. "Have you decided yet?" he breathed.
Lily plucked a flower from the grass and even as Severus looked at it, its petals began to roll up and unfurl again, something Lily hadn't done since he had first met her. A pang of reminiscence burst through him as he was inundated with the fresh, vivid emotions for Lily he had experienced when he had first caught sight of her at the age of nine.
"You're my best friend, Sev," Lily whispered, staring too at the captivating opening and closing little flower. "I don't want to lose your friendship. It means so much to me. Either way I answer, I'm afraid… so afraid…"
She looked up at him, and there in her shimmering green eyes was such a profound depth of fear that Severus felt his heart nearly leap out of his chest in compassion.
"Why would you lose my friendship?" he said, the softness of his voice mirroring hers. "You will always be my best friend, Lily - whatever happens. Always."
Then Severus looked up at the swaying green curtains of the great willow tree nearby and with that one glance an armful of tiny winged leaves flew off in a summoned wind and hurtled towards them in dives and spirals, encompassing them in whirl of colour. He had not done this either since they had first met, when he had intended to demonstrate how his magic echoed hers in skill and beauty, hoping that this spectacle would earn her admiration and regard – for he been in love with her even then.
The flurry of silvery-green leaves fell away, leaving Severus gazing into Lily's even greener eyes. He cautiously tried to probe her mind, curious to see whether she understood how his affections had remained steadfast over the years, changing only in intensity. Did she realise that she had occupied a special place in his heart like no other from the moment he first laid eyes upon her and that he was so vulnerably at her mercy? The fierceness of his love burned like dark fire in his black eyes and made Lily turn away, blushing intensely.
Yet after a moment of consideration, Severus' keen eyes detected her giving him the tiniest of nods.
"Whatever happens, I could never hate you, or forget about you, I swear," he told her softly.
Lily nodded again. Her eyes slid up to his, round with a wealth of innocence. "So… if I were to say yes, what would it change…?"
Severus' heart skipped a beat at her barely perceptible words. "Well…" he spluttered, taken aback; for him it would change everything! To know that Lily Evans loved him, to be able call her his, claim a place by her side, kiss her… it would change the course of his entire life. How could he explain this in words – and to the very threat to the stability of his world herself?
"We already study together in the Library several days a week…" Lily said. "What else would we do?"
Severus' mind began to race into unknown territories – what was it girls liked to do? Going on his fantasies, he would be happy with anything so long as it was just the two of them, preferably in dark, cool places where he could inch unnoticed across the distance separating them, and where the touch of their warm skin burned with heightened passion, and their eyes glinted as if with fire in the flickering candlelight.
"Much more than that," he said vehemently as his mind became lodged on an image of him kissing Lily fervently in a dimly-lit disused Potions classroom, pressed against a damp stone wall dripping with sweat. He coughed and his curtains of hair fell down over his face. "I s'pose we could slip out after curfew… go for walks together or spend time in the Room of Requirement," Severus stuttered, thinking wildly and ruling out the more uncensored ideas, which unfortunately seemed to be in the majority. "And on weekends we could go to Hogsmeade together," he added, unwilling to expressly mention 'dates' again.
There was a pause. Severus looked at her questioningly but Lily was staring down at the flower still lying on her palm. It was now quivering unintentionally and it was also joined by one of Severus' winged willow leaves.
"Shall we go to Hogsmeade today?" Lily finally asked. "Together?" she added shyly, a hint of a blush suffusing her cheeks. "Just to see…" Her eyes were drawn up to his.
Time stood still. Everything else melted into a state of Non-Being as the chance of redemption glimmered so enticingly real before Severus. There was no way in hell he could walk away from such a coveted result when he was thirsting for her love with every shuddering breath. Steadily Severus held Lily's distinctive green eyes and attempted to regain his calm composure after expressions of shock and fierce desire overran his face.
Merlin she looked so beautiful as she gazed at him like that, so apprehensively offering him a glimpse of a very real and very unwavering love that was pure and fragile as glass.
"That would be perfect," he conceded huskily.
xXxXx
"Tell me again!" Peter squeaked, and promptly knocked over the milk jug in his excitement.
Over a lengthy breakfast James, Sirius and Remus were verbosely relaying to the small boy a colourful account of Dumbledore's private lesson last night, which by itself was riveting enough without any need for exaggeration. Peter, who already looked up to his three friends, seemed even more in awe of them as he heard what extravagant and rare magic they had learned to create. His unwavering gaze grew more and more appraising with each word he clung on to, as if in his eyes his sixteen-year-old friends were becoming the greatest wizards of their time, even on as lofty a par as with Albus Dumbledore.
The three boys had returned to their dormitory late last night to find Peter snoring away, his lips blue and smeared with sugar while his hand was slumped in a bag of Ice Mice which he had obviously resorted to in a poor attempt to stay up waiting for them. Anyway, they had felt so worn out from the exhilarating lesson that within a couple of minutes they had all toppled into bed and fallen straight to sleep without much more talking than a murmured goodnight. In compensation for this, the four Marauders had been chattering away non-stop ever since they woke up wide-eyed that morning, as excitable as if they had eaten their way through the whole of Honeydukes sweet shop.
"…And when we cast the spell, it was the most incredible feeling," Sirius was now telling Peter stirringly, and clearly revelling in the other boy's rapt attention.
"What did it feel like?" Peter asked breathlessly. By the wonder in his eyes, he seemed of the opinion that the sensation was almost orgasmic. Sirius winked at James.
"It was like a heightened awareness," Remus tried to explain as Sirius lapsed back into grinning as much as if he had just been subjected to a Cheering Charm. "It's not as if I could always read Sirius' mind, but I could often see images he saw, and I had notions of things that I guess he was thinking about."
"You did? What did you see? What did you read in each other's mind?" Peter pressed him.
"Let's see," Remus mused thoughtfully, "the first thing I remember is seeing James holding Lily's hand, even though I was facing away from them – I realised I must be able to see what Sirius was seeing – and then I heard Sirius going woooaaaah even though he hadn't actually spoken."
Sirius chuckled and Peter's lips silently carved the word 'woah' as if he was living the experience himself in his head.
"Yeah, and I heard you congratulating James," Sirius went on, laughing with Remus. "Good on you Prongs, that's what you were thinking."
"Really?" James said, surprised.
"Merlin James, we know how much you adore that girl!" Sirius cried. "If you'd got that close to her in any normal situation, you'd have been bouncing off the wall in joy and transforming into Prongs and back every few seconds!"
James smiled. He was ever so relieved that Sirius didn't mind how he had ended up with Lily, and it gave him such joy to see how well his two best friends had got on together. The night had gone so swimmingly he could barely fault it at all.
"What was it like being with Lily?" Remus asked, turning to him. "You two were amazing together."
"Even Dumbledore said he'd never seen anything like it!" Sirius agreed. Peter's eyes were nearly popping out of his head by now; but for once James didn't feel like praise.
"It felt bloody brilliant," James admitted. "It was just, at the end…" he trailed off, unsure whether to voice his doubts. He couldn't quite summon up the joyous enthusiasm he knew he should be feeling, having created such a wonderful Vallatus with Lily Evans. A flicker of unrest had taken seed within him ever since Severus Snape had suddenly erupted unbidden into his mind while the Vallatus Charm had connected him and Lily. And it was definitely not by his doing; he had been perfectly content thinking solely of Lily and reaping the rewards as their Vallatus gleamed like a bubble of gold. So it worried him very much when Lily had begun thinking about Snivellus. He had no place in that lesson. So why was Lily preoccupied with that git, and not with him?
"What happened at the end?" Peter questioned him.
James sighed. "I saw an image of Snivellus in my head. It was after that when our Vallatus failed. I think… I think Lily might like him after all," he confessed, wrinkling his nose in distaste.
"Don't be silly," Sirius dismissed this with a wave of his hand as if buffeting away an irksome little fly. "Your Vallatus was bound to break at some point soon, it was your first try after all. It was fantastic up until then – and as Dumbledore said, it could only work so well if the two of you have a great bond between you. Surely that's enough evidence that Lily feels something for you, something more than what she shows?"
"She's been spending time around Snape recently, her mind probably just drifted off," Remus added.
"Yeah, she asked you not him, didn't she?" Peter reminded him.
James began to smile. "You're right." His spirits rose a little, but they soon slid down again as his eyes roved the emptying Great Hall. Lily was nowhere to be seen and she had not been there when they first arrived either. He had been so sure that he would be able to wrangle her into joining them at Hogsmeade – but he couldn't do that if he couldn't even find her.
Sirius spotted what he was doing. "She's still not here," he said promptly, clearly having checked the Gryffindor table over already.
"I know," James growled irritably at Sirius' unhelpfulness. "And she wasn't in her dorm, I asked Mary this morning when she came down. I haven't got a clue where she is. What could be so important?"
"Maybe she's in the Library," Remus said.
"Who would be able to work when the weather is like this?" James indicated the cloudless blue sky portrayed above them by the enchanted ceiling. "Anyway, we've got tomorrow to catch up on homework. Nah, she can't be there…"
"Maybe she's hiding," Peter suggested brightly, clearly proud of his success with the logic of deduction.
"Oh great," James said sarcastically, wilting Peter's smile.
Sirius suddenly turned to Remus, having had a thought. "Hey, Moony? Aren't all the Prefects meant to patrol Hogsmeade, to make sure everyone behaves themselves and gets back to the castle for supper?"
Remus nodded. "That's right. I was going to patrol with Lily, but maybe she's going to be late…"
"Wow, she must really dislike you, James, to not do her Prefect duties in order to avoid you," Sirius said, amazed.
"Thanks, Padfoot," James grumbled.
"It's not mandatory," Remus said. "I doubt McGonagall would mind if Lily's studying instead."
"She can't be," James repeated. "She must be around here somewhere."
Sirius sighed impatiently. "Look, James, we love you and all, but I'm dying to go to Zonko's, and a nice chilled Butterbeer wouldn't go amiss on a day like this. Can't we just go, and deal with Lily later? I know it'd be hilarious to carry her along with us, but I'd rather miss out on that instead of wasting precious time wandering around here with no idea where she is. The number of places where she could be is endless."
"We could get the map," James suggested.
"We're going now," Sirius said firmly. "We haven't been to Hogsmeade for months and I don't intend to spend all of today queuing because we're so late. Besides, Honeydukes will have sold out of all the good sweets."
At this Peter leapt to his feet. Remus looked at James resignedly.
"Perhaps it's best to give it a break, Prongs," he said softly. "Lily hated you fretting over her the other night, and that ended up with her calling you cocky and giving Snape a kiss on the cheek. Let's go and enjoy ourselves in Hogsmeade."
James grimaced, feeling glum. He'd had such high hopes for today after the success of last night. But he wouldn't abandon his friends. After all, Remus was undoubtedly right. In an hour or so's time, he would be laughing away at their new Zonko supplies over drinks in The Three Broomsticks and they would be munching their way through some of Remus' new chocolate frogs. He couldn't miss a Hogsmeade trip, in the end. He'd still have a great time, even if Lily wasn't around.
But where was she?
His sense of unease grew as James paused in the doorway and scanned the Slytherin table, realising that Severus Snape was also nowhere to be seen. He just had to hope that the Slytherin's absence was a mere coincidence and meant nothing more threatening.
xXxXx
