Chakotay stood at the door to Tom's quarters. Ensign Lang pressed the chime to let Tom know someone was about to enter. He looked at the door wondering who it was. The Doctor had already been there, it was not lunch time--so it wasn't Neelix. He wondered who it could possibly be. The door slid open, and Chakotay walked in. He rose to his feet and lay the PADD he had been studying aside.
"Commander," he said politely. He had automatically assumed an "at attention" stance. Years of training and growing up in the Paris household had instilled that in him.
"At ease, Tom," said Chakotay softly. He studied Tom for a few seconds. The young man definitely looked better than he had a few days prior. "I would like to talk with you," he continued.
Tom nodded and indicated the chair across from the one he had been sitting in. They both sat down. Tom wondered what brought Chakotay here. He was after all still under solitary confinement, even if he was now in his quarters and not in the brig.
"Tom, B'Elanna had a suggestion to help you deal with your nightmares," began Chakotay.
"She did," replied Tom, wondering if Chakotay who at times served as an ad hoc ship's counselor was going to try to get him to open it.
"Yes, she suggested that you might be willing to try the Native American custom of talking to an animal guide. I introduced her to hers..." he chuckled at the memory. "She assures me that you are not likely to try to kill yours like she did hers."
Tom laughed, that sounded like something B'Elanna would do. He also knew that Chakotay had introduced the Captain to her animal guide as well. An animal guide might be a way to deal with his childhood traumas and not have to drag his father's name through mud. "I think I would be interested, Chakotay," admitted Tom.
"I can come back with my medicine bundle later on. How does 1500 hours sound?" asked Chakotay.
"By some stroke of luck, I seem to be unoccupied at that time," said Tom with a twinkle in his eye.
Chakotay smiled, it was good to see that in spite of everything, Tom had not lost his sense of humor. "Well, then I'll see you at 1500, Tom. The Doctor will be with us. He merely wants to be able to monitor you while you use the Akoonah for the first time." He stood and walked to the door.
"See you then, Chakotay," said Tom.
He signaled Ensign Lang, and she opened the door for him. He was glad that Tom was willing to try. If this was successful, it be very benefical to him. He headed to Enginneering to pick up the report from B'Elanna that he would need for his working lunch with the Captain.
When B'Elanna saw him walk into engineering, she headed to her office to get the PADD with the report. He followed her inside.
"How's Tom," she asked, knowing that he had brought up her suggestion of finding his animal guide.
"He looks much better than he did a few days ago. We discussed animal guides, and he is willing to try," answered Chakotay.
"That's good," replied B'Elanna. "He needs to deal with whatever happened to him."
"Well, I have to get to my meeting with the Captain," said Chakotay. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah, later, let me know how things go with Tom," she said quietly.
Chakotay headed to the bridge. Working lunches in the Ready Room weren't altogether bad. They always replicated their lunches, which meant avoiding some of Neelix's more unappetizing dishes.
Once they were settled with their lunches, the Captain and Chakotay began reviewing reports. Suddenly, the Captain banged a PADD down.
"Something wrong?" asked Chakotay.
"I am tired of the errors in the helm reports," she snapped. "You'd think these officers had never written a report in their lives."
Chakotay picked up the PADD and read over the highlighted areas. The errors were minor, not really affecting the information presented. "I'll speak to them," he said. "I'll review the 'proper format' for the reports."
"Good, because if I have to speak to them one more time, I may have to make them walk the plank," she said with a chuckle.
She put down the last PADD they had to review. "Well, that wraps up these reports. Next order of business...How did Tom respond to the suggestion of trying an animal guide?"
"He was very receptive. I am going back at 1500 hours to get him started. The Doctor has been notified as he requested and will be present as well," said Chakotay.
"That's good. Those dreams need to be addressed. How did he seem otherwise?" she asked.
"He looks much better than he did when he was beamed into sickbay. He's still a little stressed, but not like he was in the brig," answered Chakotay.
"I would never have put him in the brig like that had I known about his claustrophobia. How could something like that not be in his records?" asked Janeway.
"He probably kept it well hidden. We both have had contact with the Admiral. He would not have tolerated any perceived weakness," answered Chakotay. Taking a deep breath, he decided to broach the subject of Tom's sentence. "I was wondering..."
"Yes," said the Captain.
"So many others on this crew have royally screwed up, myself included, but no one has ever been disciplined as severely as Tom. Why were you so hard on him?" asked Chakotay.
The Captain picked up her coffee cup and took a big sip. "Chakotay, I know everyone thinks I was hard on Tom. I had to satisify the Moneans, things could have gotten very messy otherwise. Also, while Tom's behavior is generally expemplary, he is implusive...very implusive. Yes, he has saved the ship and this crew many times over, but that doesn't change facts. We barely avoided a conflict with the Moneans. They would have been well within their rights to demand we turn Tom over to them. Also, when we get back home, Starfleet can't say that Tom wasn't properly dealt with and try to lock him back up."
"I see," said Chakotay softly. He still didn't agree that the punishment fit the crime, but it was nice to know her reasoning. "Hopefully, Tom will think before acting next time."
"I hope so," answered Janeway. "It hurt me to have to discipline him. He has come such a long way from the flippant young man I first encountered in Aukland."
"He's certainly not the same man who I recruited for the Maquis," commented Chakotay as he recalled those days.
"Well, I think we've wrapped up everything we needed to do during our 'working lunch,'" said Janeway in a rather distracted tone.
Chakotay understood that the Captain needed some time alone to settle her thoughts about Tom. He rose to his feet. "I'll take the bridge now so Tuvok can have lunch."
She nodded and he left quietly. Walking over to the window, she gazed at the stars and planets as they flew by. They were alone here in the Delta Quadrant. No help or back up or back up from Starfleet. She had sole responsiblity for everything and everyone. It was not an easy job. There were just no easy answers.
Chakotay and the Doctor arrived at Tom's quarters at 1500 hours. Ensign Lang pressed the chime to let Tom know that the Doctor and Commander were about to enter his quarters. Tom stood nervously as they entered. This was a major step he was undertaking.
"Tom," began Chakotay noticing his nervousness. "Are you ready?"
"As ready as I'll ever be," said Tom. "I appreciate you taking the time to help me."
Chakotay walked to the middle of the room. "Let's sit here on the floor." He sat down and Tom joined him.
"I'll sit here in the chair and monitor Mr. Paris. I'll be as unobtrusive as possible," said the Doctor.
Chakotay sat his medicine bundle down on the floor between them. "This is my medicine bundle. You'll have to eventually assemble your own as well." He unwrapped it and began pulling things out. "I have a blackbird's wing, a rock from the river, and an Akoonah. My ancestors used psychoactive herbs to aid in their vision quests. Now we use a more modern method...the Akoonah."
"How do you decide what to put in the medicine bundle?" asked Tom.
"You choose things that have speical meaning for you. I chose a blackbird's wing because one of my ancestors flew a Lockheed SR-71 Type A. It was a long-range, advanced, strategice reconnaissance aircraft. It was unoffically known as the blackbird. The blackbird's wing honors him. I bear his name."
"I've seen pictures of those," said Tom with a touch of awe in his voice.
Chakotay picked up the rock. "This rock came from a river on my homeworld," he said in a quiet and solemn tone.
He sat the rock back down with reverence. "You will have to select items that have meaning for you," he explained. He picked up the Akoonah. I will replicate an Akoonah for you if you find you wish to continue after today. For now, you may use mine."
"Thank you," whispered Tom.
He sat the Akoonah back down. "Place your hand on the Akoonah and concentrate on the Blackbird wing," instructed Chakotay.
Tom did as he was told with no hesistation. His nervousness had been alleviated by Chakotay's calm manner and patient explanations.
"A-koo-chee-moya. We are far from the sacred places of our grandfathers. We are far from the bones of our people. But perhaps there is one powerful being who will embrace this man and give him the answers he seeks. Close your eyes, Tom. Breathe to fuel the light in your belly, and let it expand until the light is everywhere. Now, leave these quarters and this ship, and go to a place where you were the most content and peaceful. You can see all around this place. You hear the sounds of this place."
Tom saw the wild, untamed grasslands of Africa, where his father had taken the family on a vacation when he was five. "I recognize this place," said Tom in wonder.
"Don't discuss with me what you see, Tom. It will offend your animal guide. While you look around, you will find other life that shares this place with you. Your animal guide will be the first animal that you see," instructed Chakotay in a soft voice. "That is the animal you will speak to. Have you spotted an animal?"
"Yes," answered Tom. He looked at the majestic Bengal Tiger that was standing before him. It was a beautiful creature."
"Speak to it, Tom. It will help you find your answers," prompted Chakotay.
Chakotay turned to look at the Doctor, who nodded his head to let him know that Tom was doing fine.
The Tiger looked at Tom. "Ah, my little one, I have long awaited my chance to meet you. You have walked a long and difficult path. You have friends who are concerned about you."
"They all wonder about my dreams," began Tom. "I can't tell them."
"Perhaps you can tell me," rumbled the Tiger.
"My dad...at first he was a very doting father. I was his only son. I had three older sisters, but I was the only boy..." Tom sat in the grass and the Tiger laid down on her stomach.
"Go on, little one," she said.
"He was proud when I was able to fly shuttles and handle hard simulations...but then..." Tom hesistated.
"Then," what prompted the Tiger.
"The damn Cardassians took him prisoner," said Tom angrily. "They tortured him...by the time he was rescued, he had been hurt really bad."
"Trauma can affect people in many different ways," said the Tiger.
"He was never the same. He became very hard and demanding. He...he...he locked me in a cedar chest whenever I was not meeting his expectations...till I got too big for that. Then he shut me up in a closet. He was strong...and could overpower me. Mom never knew. He only did it when she wasn't home. I hated him for the way he treated me. Then, when I admitted I had lied about Caldick Prime...he told me I was no longer his son...that I was no longer welcome in 'his' house...I left and ended up with the Maquis. They needed pilots and I needed someone to pay my bar tabs. I was caught on my first mission. At least I kept them from finding the others. My dad's reaction was even worse then...He, he spit in my face and told me I was the most useless excuse for a human he ever saw...and that if he ever saw me again, it would be too soon."
Tears rolled down Tom's cheeks as he recounted his painful past. "When I started studying medicine with the Doctor here in the Delta Quadrant, I learned a lot about Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. It didn't take long to realize that was what happened to my Dad. It helped me to see that the things he did were because of that, so they weren't really his fault. The trauma the Cardassians caused him changed him totally. The others would not understand."
"They might understand more than you think they would, little one," said the Tiger softly. "Now, it is time for you to end this vision quest and return to your friends. You will see me again if you choose. I can help you, if you are willing."
"I'm willing," whispered Tom. In a few seconds the grassland disappeared. He opened his eyes and found himself in his quarters. The Doctor and Chakotay were watching him carefully.
"Are you okay, Tom?" asked Chakotay.
"Yes," whispered Tom. "Thanks, Chakotay, I think I may have started on the path to my anwers."
"Your vital signs remained stabe throughout the quest, Tom," said the Doctor. "Since you found it helpful, I would suggest you continue with them."
"I will," answered Tom.
"We'll go now, Tom and let you think over what happened. I'll bring you an Akoonah. You need to think of meaningful things to include in your medicine bundle," said Chakotay.
"I will," replied Tom.
The Doctor and Chakotay got up and quietly exited the quartes, leaving Tom to his thoughts.
