When angels return home.
Baby steps.
Obi-Wan.
You were my brother Anakin! I loved you.
The moment I was out of the room a shot went off in my mind and I broke into a sprint. Qui-Gon yelled for me and Anakin wailed but neither of them could have stopped me. I threw myself around corners and down stairs, vaulting over younglings and dodging around Jedi Knights. My chest ached and I could barely see the path through the tears but I couldn't stop. If I stopped then I would think and then I would feel. I couldn't afford to do that.
I hate you!
Throughout all my lonely exiled years I had never once hated my fallen apprentice no matter what I said to him. He had meant it though, I could see it in his eyes. How could he want to make amends?
How could he love me?
I burst through an ornate wooden door and was surprised by the soft glow of sunlight. The scent of the morning lilies and the earth after a rainstorm made me pause. I had not seen the gardens since my arrival and it was a balm to my wounded spirit. Stuttering out a shaky breath I hobbled to an isolated bench underneath a willow tree and curled up against the bark.
Was I wrong to harbour my anger and let it fester? Qui-Gon always said that hatred was a door to the darkness. I dug around inside me for the well of hatred to shut it off only to find it boiling hot and acidic. It burned me to touch. I wanted to let it go but it was my strength.
"Only human you are. Hurt you will."
I almost jumped of the seat at the familiar rough voice and I peered through my hands at Yoda. He smiled grimly up at me and tapped his cane against my kneecap. I looked away from him and fisted great handfuls of my robes.
"I fear I have fallen from the path, Master but I can't find the will to return to it."
"Heard of your confrontation with Anakin I have. Worried for you we are. A thin line you now tread."
I snorted. "You think I don't know that? I'm not trying to make people worry for me. I'm angry."
"Understandable that is but lead to only sorrow it will. Feel it you must."
"Don't feelings lead to the darkness? Anakin fell because he felt too much."
Yoda's hand curled around my own and his large ears drooped slightly.
"Dark like the shadows was Anakin's love, vengeful and consuming it became. Bright like the sun your love is. Fall to the dark side you cannot if trust that light you will."
"I don't trust it. I don't trust them anymore."
I pulled my knees up under my chin and hid my face in them. I felt Yoda settled beside me on the bench and stroke my arm.
"Waited forever and a day your Master has to see you again. Loves you more than anything he does. Trust him you should."
"He threw me away."
"Ambitious Qui-Gon often is. The gift of foresight possess he does not. Sorry he is."
"I know that and I'm grateful for all he's done for me but it doesn't change that I'm…angry. His last dying breath wasn't about how much he loved me or how proud he was, he begged me to train Anakin. He couldn't be completely sure that Anakin was the Chosen One, it was just a theory."
"Wanted to save the Jedi order Qui-Gon did. Meant to cast you away he did not. Sick with sorrow and regret my old Padawan has become."
"I'm so lost, Master."
"Great your burden is and face it alone you always have." He slipped his rough hand into mine and waited until I looked at him. "Alone now you are not. Accept that you must. Push those who love you away your anger will."
"I don't know how to forgive him. How can you?"
His lips stretched into a wrinkled smile and he patted my knee gently.
"Old I am. Energy to waste on hatred I have not."
He clambered down from the bench and creaked away. I watched his slow progression through the crowds and back into the temple.
The halls of the temple pulsated with the news of Anakin's return. Younglings crept passed me in huddled frightened groups. I wished I knew the right words to comfort them. But I didn't even know what to say to myself. I wandered back into the apartment and paused just inside the threshold. I almost didn't recognise the sorrowful man hunched over on the armchair. Qui-Gon slumped with his head in his hands as if someone had cut his strings. Exhaustion had carved deep lines into his face and formed deep bruises underneath his eyes.
"Master? Are you okay?"
His head shot up so fast that it startled me. His cheeks glistened with a river of tears and the bottom fell out of my stomach. I rushed toward him and knelt before him, reaching up to wipe away the droplets with my fingers.
"Padawan."
"What's the matter, Master? Are you hurt? Do you feel sick? Hang on, I'll get Master Yoda."
He caught my wrist before I could even get off the floor and pulled me back to his side. My heart raced again and a lump in my throat grew. Devastation leaked from every pore. I crawled up onto the arm of the chair and mopped at his face with my sleeve.
"I'm so sorry Obi-Wan. What a senile old fool I am. I got it wrong. I never meant to hurt you like I did."
"I know that now Master. It's okay."
He caught my braid between his fingertips and played with the beads.
"But you didn't before. You went years thinking that our bond was that weak and that you could be replaced."
"I don't think that anymore. You made me realise that I was wrong."
A deep sigh ripped from between his lips as he turned his face away from me again. There was something old and dark in the shadows of his eyes. I tangled my fingers in his sleeve when I feared that he would try to leave me.
"I have been a cold hearted man my entire life. Those few early years of your training I spent every day pushing you away. I never saw what I was doing to you until it was almost too late and then I did it again and it was too late. I deserve your hatred just as much as Anakin does."
"I don't want to hate you. We all make mistakes and I kn-."
"This was more than a mistake Obi-Wan" Qui-Gon exclaimed, I nearly leaped from the armchair "As your Master you trusted me to make the best decisions for you, rightfully so. Of course you wouldn't deny me my dying request even though it went against your instincts."
He pushed by me in a burst strength and paced the floor in front of me. I don't think he even remembered I was in the same room as him anymore. As he wore a hole in our carpet he dragged his fingers though his beard and muttered under his breath. How long had he carried these thoughts and not told me? The last thing I wanted was to become a burden for him. I peered up at him around the swelling lump in my chest and reached out to snag his sleeve as he passed.
"Please don't blame yourself for something I did. I'll make it right with Anakin."
Qui-Gon ripped his arm away from me and fixed me with a stare so cold that it made my heart freeze. There was a deep-rooted anger in the depths of his eyes and it had never once been directed at me before. I cowered back into the armchair and dropped my gaze.
"Don't you dare make excuses for me. I did this to you and I will take full responsibility. You are to stay far away from Anakin until I can determine his intentions and motive."
"His intentions? Master, he's dead I don't think he can do anything to anyone."
"I must keep you safe, I failed before in that, I'll do it right this time."
A surge of anger made me scramble to my feet and intrude on Qui-Gon's space even though those cool eyes were still frightening me.
"You died to keep me safe! That Sith cut you in half because you were too busy trying to keep me calm. I was a mess and your instructions were the only thing that kept me from losing control. Master, you have always, always been at my side as my protector. I have never doubted you in that."
Qui-Gon tugged on his beard and stabbed one finger accusingly at my chest, eyes ablaze.
"Stop forgiving me Padawan. I turned my back on you and didn't even give you the chance to say goodbye. I was willing to jeopardise your Knighthood for the sake of a boy. You weren't ready to become a Knight and I forced your hand."
I slunk away from him, my heart tripping over its beats in my chest as sweat broke out over my palms. The terror I had felt as I stood abandoned in front of the council all those centuries ago had never really left me. It festered during those cold winter nights on nameless worlds.
"You had to take the chance. If Anakin really was the chosen one we couldn't afford to let him slip away or to fall into the darkness. I understood then as I understand now."
"Force, Obi-Wan, how can you say that? Your compassion was the death of you. That brave, foolish beautiful heart of yours only lead you to a life time of suffering. How are you not angry?"
I raised my eyebrows and pointed at the door. "Were you not there when I yelled at Anakin? Of course I'm angry, sometimes I think I'm going to drown in it. You did the one thing you promised you would never do to me and left me behind. And for a long time I…"
A challenge gleamed in Qui-Gon's eyes and he stood with his hands on his hips and feet a shoulder's width apart. A battle stance. I mirrored his pose even though my breaths were painful gasps and I could barely think over the roaring in my ears. Our bond pulsated with enough fury, grief and sorrow to make me nausea.
"You what? Speak up. For a long time you…"
"This isn't a conversation we should be having, Master. We need to step back before we say something we'll regret." I retreated to the door only to find that it wouldn't open. I spun around to face Qui-Gon. "Let me out."
"No. What were you going to say, Padawan? After your performance earlier, you can't be afraid of letting me know exactly what you feel. I imagine the entire temple heard you."
He took an exaggerated step toward me and I flattened myself against the door. There was a shadow I didn't recognise staring back at me out of those dark eyes. And a mocking sneer I had never associated with my devoted Master. It sent a shiver up my spine.
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose control like that."
"Oh don't back down now, young one. Let me guess what you won't say. You're angry with me, furious that I had the nerve to choose someone else, a stranger no less, over you. I put some slave boy before you and you couldn't cope with it. Did it stay inside you for all these years?"
"Stop it."
"I never even told you that I loved you. You had to die to hear that from me. Didn't that just destroy you?"
I fisted my hands over my ears but could still hear him. Furious tears sprang to my eyes and I squeezed them shut to force them back.
"Didn't it?"
"YES! How could you do that to me? I was a good Padawan, faithful and obedient, everything you wanted me to be. I never spoke back without reason and never strayed from my duty. I never said anything when you compared me to Xanatos. I loved you. But for a long, long time I hated you. I HATED YOU! Why wasn't I enough? Why can't I get you to love me?"
Tears punched out of me with enough force to shake my body. My legs gave up and I sank to the floor, burying my face in my knees. Qui-Gon shuffled forward and I sensed him brush soothingly against my mind.
"What else?" He asked.
"You weren't there for my Knighting Ceremony or even for my twenty sixth birthday. I exiled myself to keep my promise to you. The planets were cold and dark and creatures used to attack me at night. I didn't have a home because the temple was destroyed. Luke and Leia had to be protected. I-I needed you and you weren't there. It was all my fault!"
Qui-Gon slipped his arm around me and tugged me to him despite my protests. I pushed against his chest but he had a strength beyond his age and cradled me in a way he never had before. A hand moved to play with the beads on my braid while the other ran soothing circles on my back. It was a motion that brought back fuzzy memories of stormy nights and childhood nightmares of monsters under the bed. I collapsed against him and clutched at his robes. My sobs faded into snuffles and Qui-Gon chest heaved beneath my ear. It took me a moment to realise that he had cried a long with me.
"I have always loved you." He started, his voice thick with tears. "You are my heart, my light and my conscience. I did have to ensure the survival of the Jedi Order but it should never have been at the expense of you. I will never forgive myself for not being there when you needed me. But I watched you every day of your life, I saw your struggles and your joy. You are everything I ever wanted in a Padawan and I am proud of the man you have become. I am sorry I had to say those things to you but you were suffocating in your silence. And I feared for you."
I wiped my nose on my sleeve. "Are you really proud? Anakin fell under my watch."
"Anakin was always destined to fall. You could not have prevented it. I'm sorry."
"I don't want to hate him anymore Master. I don't think I do. He was my Padawan and I suppose in some ways a victim of his fate. I'm tired of being angry and afraid. I just want to rest."
My Master pressed a kiss to my temple and loosened his grip on my torso, "You have a great strength in you, Little One. I don't believe you know how to hate someone properly. Anakin's story is a tragedy but perhaps you can give him the happy ending I saw."
"I was so cruel to him. All those things I said. I didn't mean them."
To my surprise, Qui-Gon laughed and smoothed down my hair. "They were all things he needed to hear. Padme is with him as is Yoda, he'll be fine."
"Are you sure? I snapped the bond."
His hair flew about his face as he shook his head, "A bond can never truly be broken. If you look for him, you will find it."
I closed my eyes and dug deep inside, passed the tantrums and the blood to a small pin prick of warmth. It was faded and narrowed through years of abuse but as bright as a star. I stretched out and shook of the cobwebs and was honestly relieved to fling open the gates.
Anakin reached back.
/Baby steps, Ani./
