Trigger warning: sexual harassment, girls liking girls
Before, Miki had used the Producer's attention as strength to go on. What she was using as her motivation now was distinctly different. It was a pure, hot feeling of drive - one that she could not describe in its entirety. Its exact nature evaded her, but that did not diminish its power.
Saying that she wanted nothing to do with him anymore was neither true nor untrue. That man, whom Miki had called her Honey around a half a year, became something of an enemy. She could not exactly avoid him, since he was the Producer, but her feelings regarding him became more and more resentful. She didn't seem to need him as much as the others, anyway. If some of her previous successes were anything to go by, she could find a way to make herself appealing to fans, regardless of his help.
Part of her wanted him to stay away, but she also wanted him to witness her accomplish things by herself. Then, he'd be amazed at what she had achieved on her own. She used the idea of his amazement to fuel her progress and hated his back when he walked away after giving her instructions.
This quiet disdain kept her going and before she knew it, spring was in full bloom. With it came complications at school concerning boys.
It was not unusual for her to be approached by her male classmates, but there was something in the quality of their proposals, or of her new self-image, that made her dislike them. They suddenly seemed unceasing and simpering and Miki did not want to deal with them anymore. Their appeals reminded her of the Producer, which made her even more resentful. She took to getting up and running, telling her friends to come along, whenever a boy wanted to talk to her.
When asked for the reason she was avoiding the boys, she said that she needed to clear her head.
April 29th, year 2
Snacktime at 765Pro was little more than a break in the middle of the afternoon, whether prompted by the Producer, their own hunger or the need stop working before they went crazy. When one group figured or learned it was time, they would spread the word to the others and everyone would quickly break up to have something to eat. Sometimes it was like a spontanious explosion that left them all scattered.
Miki had only brought a little package of onigiri that didn't last very long, so she started wandering around. The production could get very quiet and empty when everyone was eating.
The door to Kotori's little corner was open, and Miki couldn't help but look inside. The monitor by the computer was displaying some kind of screen saver, which she watched for a few seconds before scanning around for something more interesting. A magazine lay open on the desk and she tilted her head at it. She couldn't see what was in it from where it was resting on the desk, so she picked it up and leafed through it.
The magazine contained images that made her face feel so hot she nearly dropped it. She closed it and held it to her chest, trying to get rid of the heat-tingle in her cheeks.
...Wait a minute, what was she so embarrassed about? It wasn't like anybody was naked or anything. With this in mind, she opened it up again...and had the exact same reaction.
"Is this what they mean by ecchi?" Miki said under her breath. Seeking relief, she turned the pages a few times. It was more of the same, so she clenched her eyes shut against them.
After a few seconds, she peeked again and realized that the heat-tingle was not a badfeeling, and was rather enjoyable when it wasn't unbearably intense. Some of the pictures were actually nice to look at as well, so she scanned the pages to find them, leaning against the desk as she did so. She was so engrossed in it she forgot everything else for a moment, and the sound of a knob turning only made her wonder faintly.
"Miki-chan! What...what are you doing with that?"
Miki lifted her eyes without raising her head to see a tense Kotori. She suddenly remembered that she was in someone else's place messing around with their stuff and that someone caught her doing so, but that realization did not scare or shock her.
"This?" she closed the magazine and turned it in her hand so the cover faced Kotori. "It was on your desk. It looked like you had been looking through it so Miki thought to do so too."
"You're not supposed -!" Kotori said in a small, tight voice.
"Are you interested in this kind of stuff, Kotori?"
Kotori's mouth squirmed for a split second and her face colored. "Well-"
"Miki isn't going to tell anybody," she tapped the magazine. "But Miki does want to know if you have more."
"...What?"
"Do you have any more?"
Kotori looked back and forth between some points on the floor, as if debating what to do next. Then she looked up, closed the door, and sat in her chair. She folded her hands on her lap and looked at Miki for a few seconds before speaking. "What section of that magazine are you referring to?"
This response confused Miki. "It has sections?"
"Two of them. You didn't notice the ones in the back?"
The idea of sections was an enticing one, so Miki turned from the back cover inwards...
But the pictures there were much different than the other ones, so she made a noise and actually dropped it this time.
"So you didn't after all. Pfft..."
"Iyaa!" was all that Miki could manage.
Kotori stood up and patted her shoulder with a smile of barely restrained mirth. "It's alright, I prefer the ones in the first section as well. At least we have that in common, eh, Miki-chan?"
Miki put a hand on her chest. "Those ones were nicer. Miki...likes them more."
"It's a finer art form, isn't it?" Kotori held up a finger. "If you want to see more of that, I have some on hand."
"Here?"
"Well...it's a bit of a company secret. Very hush hush. You know." Kotori gestured vaugely. She put a hand to Miki's ear. "But we did have a special photoshoot with Azusa-san that never got released, even if it turned out rather well. I actually have a print of it that really shouldn't exist...if the president finds it, he might have it destroyed."
"Whoa, really?"
"The president wouldn't be able to find it if you take it home, perhaps?" Kotori straightened and put a finger to her cheek in mock innocence. "Did I suggest that?"
"Let Miki see!" Miki said in a voice hushed with excitement.
Kotori rooted in a desk drawer and pulled out what looked like a rolled-up poster. "Here! That which should not, and as far as everyone is concerned, does not exist." She handed it to Miki, who unrolled it carefully.
It was an alluring image - and practically a perfect shot as far as she was concerned. A sheet lazily covered Azusa, who had a sleepy expression that was both elegant and kind of cute.
She also had long hair. It was a little odd to see that after knowing her with short hair for so long.
"Mh, this must have been from a while ago," Miki remarked.
"Ah yes, it was shortly after you got your haircut, I believe," Kotori said while looking over Miki's shoulder at the poster. "I don't know all the details, unfortunately. But it might've been for the best that these didn't see the light of day..."
"Hm..." Miki tilted her head at it, then rolled it back up.
"I'm sure I don't need to say this, but don't let anyone see you with that," Kotori said out of the corner of her mouth. "Keep it in your locker until you get home, maybe. And remember that you said you wouldn't tell anyone about that magazine!"
"It's a secret. Very hush hush," Miki winked, flicking her hand into a pistol shape.
Looking for the heat-tingle feeling became a quiet occupation for Miki afterwards. She couldn't devote too much time to it, since she learned that it could sometimes take a rather long while for her to want to do anything else but bask in it afterwards. Still, whenever she came home and had some spare time, perhaps, maybe she would look through the small stack of images she had collected and build up the warmth. Then she would lie on her bed and dream peacefully.
This was not something that she told anyone about, if only because she couldn't explain why she felt that way. Afterwards she realized that she did not have many images of boys in her little stack, if any, because they didn't make any difference in how she felt. That realization made her seriously consider its significance.
Miki felt she knew her emotions fairly well, and was not afraid to think that she didn't like boys at all. The confusing part was where that left her. Well, it wasn't that she didn't like the fact that she only liked pictures of women - girls could be really cute sometimes! She knew she was cute, and she thought that some of her friends at 765pro were cute too...
The confusing part was not really her stance on things, perhaps, but rather the implication or how to act on it. It was rather simple enough to accept and live with, but thinking about it left her bewildered and stressed. She decided that talking to someone about it would make her feel better, if only to have it out in the open for a little while. She had a pretty good idea of who to talk to, as well...
It so happened that she had a day off at the same time as that person did, so she had a meeting arranged.
May 17th, year 2
"You should wear your hair like that more often, Ritsuko. It looks nice."
Ritsuko was playing with the long braid she had put her hair up in. After a moment of looking at it, she shrugged and tossed it back. "It's an option. So where are we headed?"
"There's a little café over there. Their mochas are really good!"
Ritsuko arced an eyebrow but otherwise didn't comment. The two of them sat by the entrance, close to the windows. Ritsuko often looked at the people who walked by.
"So? What is it that's bothering you so much that you need to whisk me away from the office?"
Miki had a sip of her macchiato before speaking. "Do you have anyone you like, Ritsuko?"
Ritsuko smiled out the corner of her mouth, chuckling. "One of these things, huh? It's not something people like us can really think about. Can you imagine what something like that would do to an idol's career?"
"Sure, a relationship would do that, but what about just liking someone? That's what Miki's asking."
Ritsuko had a mouthful of the sundae she had ordered. "Hm, maybe if I had the opportunity, there would be someone I'd consider..."
"Is that person a guy?"
Ritsuko stared at her for a moment before answering. "Of course, yes..."
Miki picked up the extra spoon on the table and picked at Ritsuko's sundae. "It's just, Miki doesn't understand the appeal of boys anymore...they're so immature, and they always want the same thing. It gets old."
Ritsuko looked at her as if she had said something absurd, like it was raining ducks or something. "Well, boys tend to be like that at this age."
"That doesn't make it less annoying! And they can totally be like that when they get older, too."
"They'll grow out of it. You can hardly expect them to understand what being in a relationship is like now..."
"Are you trying to change Miki's mind?"
"I'm saying, it's a little soon to be saying that -"
"Ritsuko! Miki just doesn't like boys, okay?"
There was a stunned silence after that exclaimation. Ritsuko shuffled her shoulders and took a large mouthful of ice cream to avoid Miki's glare.
"Miki is trying to tell you something here, and you're not - you're trying to make it...insignificant."
Ritsuko put her chin in her hand and looked aside.
"Why are you telling this to me of all people?" she said finally.
"Miki thought you would be supportive. Or say something helpful."
"Hm."
"And you're doing neither."
"Yes, I know," Ritsuko said between her teeth.
Miki sighed deeply. "Miki thinks that girls are cute and pretty much better than boys in every way, and was hoping that you'd say something smart to make it make sense."
Ritsuko rested her cheek on a fist. It was a while before she spoke. "Look. These are your feelings. What I say - or anyone says - shouldn't change them if they're honest. If you're really serious, then that's how things are. If you doubt them, then maybe you're wrong after all. This isn't something for someone else to decide."
Miki contemplated this, then smiled lightly. "See? Miki knew you could say something smart."
"You're welcome."
May 28th, year 2
Miki was supposed to have a check-in with the Producer later in the afternoon, so until then she had to keep her schedule open in case he finished whatever business he had before early. Check-ins were usually a casual affair, but waiting was stressing her out this time around. There were better things she could be doing with her time...
The stress made it unable for her to stay still, so she wandered around the office to stay away from others that might ask what was wrong. But that meant that she might wander too far, so she found a little empty room to sit and fume in.
Even with the door closed she could hear some of the bustling going on in the production. For a while she focused on it, then put her chin in her hands and closed her eyes.
Then there was a noise - some kind of wordless shriek that made Miki jump. It was followed by an erratic series of running footsteps, getting louder, and against all greater judgement she opened the door a crack to see what was going on.
The door was wrenched open from the other side so forcefully that the knob she was holding broke away from her fingers with a stinging sensation, and slammed so wildly that she had to recover from the noise of that before she noticed there was someone else in the room.
The person was trembling so much, curled so tightly, their hair so raggled and uneven that Miki had to realize who it was after knowing who it was. She walked around the person's back and knelt in front of them while trying not to make a sound. Even if she did the person didn't notice, so she leaned in slightly, tilting her head as she spoke:
"Ritsuko...san?"
Ritsuko lifted her head to glare over her glasses. There were signs of tears on her face, and though she was no longer shedding them she still shook and hiccuped. The act of lifting her head uncovered her arms, which were tightly crossed over her chest...
Wait, not her chest - her shirt, which was unbuttoned enough for Miki to see the outline of a bra underneath. She snapped her gaze back towards Ritsuko's face, trying to form words. "What..."
Ritsuko let out her breath in either a very dark sigh or a soft, toneless growl.
"Weren't...you supposed to be with the Producer..." Miki's eyes darted back and forth between the two in front of her, searching for an answer. "What ha-"
"Don't!" Ritsuko barked, voice full of venom, raising a hand as if to strike. Miki flinched.
"Don't - even mention..." the hand clenched with the exception of a single scolding finger. "I don't want...!"
But the wrathful energy was leaving her, and Ritsuko folded her arm across her face. For a sick, empty moment Miki felt like she was dangling in the air, then she carefully put her arms around the other in a gentle hug. Ritsuko made some sort of anguished, animal noise.
They must have stayed like that for the better part of an hour. Finally, Ritsuko pushed Miki back and straightened, wiping her glasses on her skirt.
"He did something to you."
Ritsuko glanced over at Miki with a tired look. "Something happened, yes. And I don't want to talk about it." Her voice was so hoarse it was almost unrecognizable.
"But you have to tell someone! What he did...it's against the law!"
Ritsuko stared at her, then frowned. "At what cost? Do you have any idea what keeps this production afloat? That man does more for the company than you realize - getting rid of him would ruin everything."
Miki clenched her fists where they rested on her knees. "But that's not right!"
"Look! If this gets out he'll get punished, but it would be practically impossible to replace him. Not only because he does so much for so little, but the production itself would be tarnished. Everyonecould lose their jobs!"
Miki was struck dumb.
"Besides," Ritsuko said dully, looking down at the floor, "I let it happen. At least, at first."
For a moment Miki forgot to breathe. Ritsuko buttoned up her shirt, put her glasses back on and stood up.
"Can you walk me to the station? I'm...going home."
"Okay..."
Miki lingered in the station after Ritsuko had left on her train. What had happened left her ill and tense and frustrated. Most of all, she was afraid that this could happen - or maybe already had - in some form or another to her other friends. It was far too easy to trust and like the Producer. After all...she herself had done so. It made her want to scream.
Instead, she walked back to the production without realizing where she was going. She remembered numbly that she had missed her check-in.
"Miki!" the Producer smiled, beckoning her to sit down with him. "Where were you? You left your cell in the lobby and none of us could get a hold of you."
He was acting like nothing had happened. Like maybe she had played some joke on them, gave them the slip, but it was okay. It made her mouth taste bad.
"Hey, what's the matter? You've been out most of the day. Did something come up?"
She wanted to smack him, yell at him, but she forced herself to remain calm. "...Sometimes girls have problems!" she said finally.
"Ah," he said knowingly, standing up. "Is it something you want to talk about? I'm all ears, you know."
Miki took a quick step back. He frowned wonderingly, then approached. She didn't back up again, but turned away.
"Come on, tell me what's wrong. I'll help you as much as I can. Miki?"
She swiped away the hand that was going for her shoulder. "I...don't need your sympathy."
The Producer blinked at her. "Wha?"
"Didn't you hear what I just said?" Miki snapped, glaring at him. He made a move as if to approach again, but she broke away and bolted.
