Disclaimer: I don't own Kung Fu Panda or the Hangover.


Luckily for Monkey, it was only a flesh wound.

He massaged his bandaged wound as they walked out of the healer's office and rushed out of the destroyed street before anyone could spot them and start shouting profanities.

"I can't believe we lost Taiwan!" Mantis moaned. "What kind of warriors are we if we can't even protect a child?"

"Don't worry, we'll find him." Said Monkey as they made their way through the village. "Come on, we've got to find that-"

"CRANE! MONKEY!"

The trio whirled around and saw a female mountain rushing towards them. Crane's eyes widened.

"Mei Ling?"

His old friend from the kung fu academy ran over to them, her face lined with worry. Crane couldn't believe it. He hadn't seen Mei Ling in at least ten years.

"I heard what happened! Is Monkey okay?" She asked.

"Yeah, it's just a flesh wound." Said Crane, still astonished from her unexpected appearance.

"Oh thank god." Mei Ling breathed a sigh of relief. "When I heard from Ms Yun what had happened to you guys, I feared the worst!"

Oh yes, Crane thought. Ms Yun had wrapped her scarf around Monkey's to stop the bleeding before the trio had rushed back to the healer.

"What are you doing here?" Mantis asked.

"Don't you remember? I came to the Jade Palace for a visit and found you and the others partying your butts off. Where's Kuo?"

"Who?"

"My son. I left him in your room this morning while I left to get some baby food for him. I put him in a vegetable basket because I couldn't find a crib. When I came back, you guys were gone!"

"Oh." The trio looked at each other guiltily. For some reason, Mantis was scowling.

"What is it?"

"Mei Ling, I'm so sorry." Crane closed his eyes. "But the bandits took him."

Mei Ling stopped breathing.

"What?" She gasped.

"Fung and his boys ambushed us and took the kid! We tried to pursue them, but Monkey got shot!"

"Oh no! No!" Mei Ling dug her claws into her scalp, her white fangs clenched in anguish.

"Don't worry." Crane put a wing on her shoulder. "Fung and the others may be bandits, but they're also dimwits. Your son will be fine as long as we find him quickly." Mei Ling looked at him, unreassured. "Do you have any idea why they would take your son?"

"No, I don't. Where's your other friends? Po and Tigress?"

"That's why we're trying to find the boat we bought." Mantis said. "We can't find Po anywhere. We're hoping to find some clues as to where he may be. Hey, we may find out where the bandits are as well!"

"Right then!" Mei Ling's eyes narrowed. "You guys go to the boat and look for clues, and I'll ask around about Po and those bandits. Go!" Before anyone could say anything, Mei Ling ran off and disappeared down the street.

"So that's Mei Ling." Monkey said. "Wish I could remember our first meeting."

"Yeah." Crane agreed. "I'm still trying to figure out how we all got poisoned with Psycho Juice!"

"Did you hear that?" Mantis pouted. "She called him Kuo!"

"I thought he looked like a Taiwan too, buddy." Crane replied.

"Come on, let's find that boat!" Monkey said. "There's no time to waste."


"Whoa." Mantis stared at the luxurious boat floating in the canal. "How the heck did we manage to get a hold of this?"

"Looks like something a lord would own." Said Crane. "Do you think we borrowed it, or something?"

"I doubt it. The boat master said we had hired it for the weekend." Mantis said.

"Never mind that!" Monkey snapped. "Start searching!"

And so they climbed onto the boat and quickly began searching the deck.

Ten minutes later, they gathered in the middle with everything they had found.

"I've got a yellow coat and blue pants." Monkey held up the pieces of clothing. "They look pretty expensive."

"Are they Po's?" Crane asked.

"No, they're child's size. What have you got?"

"All I found was a baby's bottle." Said Crane, holding up said bottle. "It must be Kuo's."

"And I've just got this little bag." Mantis held up a small tie-up bag.

"What's in there?" Crane asked. Then he noticed the foul stench, and his eyes narrowed in disgust as he came to a shocking realisation. "Ew, Mantis, that's a bag of baby poop!"

"What?"

Mantis flung the bag away… right into Crane's wings.

"EWWW!"

Crane tossed it into Monkey's chest.

"Ugh! Get it away!"

He tossed it back to Mantis, who yelped and tossed it back. Monkey fumbled with the bag and thrust into Crane's wings. He squawked and flung it back to Mantis. Mantis retched and flung it at Monkey again.

On the banks of the canal, passers by stopped and stared at the commotion on the large boat. It was a very unique sight, three warriors on the large boat tossing the little bag to each other like a hot potato, squealing like little kids.

"Ugh!"

"Wah!"

"Get it off!"

"Yuck!"

"Stop throwing it!"

"Gaaah, I think it's leaking!"

If Shifu had been there, he would most likely have died of embarrassment.

After getting passed the disgusting object by Crane, Monkey tossed it to Mantis and turned away. Mantis immediately leapt forward and plonked the baby poop bag on his back. It stuck to him like a spitball.

"WAAAAHHH!"

Mantis and Crane burst out laughing as Monkey leaped three feet into the air and then danced and spun on the spot, desperately reaching behind him for the bag. He eventually got a hand around it, pulled it off, and tossed it into the river.

"What the hell, guys?" Monkey yelled as his friends slowly stopped their laughter. "We gotta pull ourselves together!"

Thud.

The trio froze.

Thud.

"What was that?" Mantis asked.

"It's coming from below." Crane said.

Thud!

Then all three of them realised.

"PO!"

They frantically scoured the boat, searching for a way below deck. The thuds became louder, and more frequent.

"PO, HANG ON! WE'RE COMING!"

"OH GOD, DID WE LOCK HIM DOWN THERE?"

They found the trapdoor beneath a pile of crates.

"PO, IT'S US!"

They flung open the trap door.

"PO!"

For a moment, all was quiet.

And then all hell broke loose.

"KYAAAAAAAA!"

The trio managed to catch a glimpse of a small figure leaping from the trapdoor before they found themselves in their second ambush in two hours.

A small yellowish creature latched itself to Monkey's shoulders and whacked him repeatedly and viciously around the head with a splintered bamboo staff as the primate spun around in bewilderment and pain.

Crane approached in an attempt to help, but then the figure, quick as lightning, leapt off of the dazed Monkey and jabbed the staff into the bird's stomach. Crane doubled over, then was brought to his knees as the figure struck him in the groin, before being floored by a swing to the head. The figure proceeded to spin around and floor Monkey in the same fashion.

Then the small yellow creature turned to Mantis, twirling the staff expertly.

"Stop! I'm with you, I'm with you!" Mantis backed away in terror.

"You wanna mess with me?" The creature yelled.

"No, I don't wanna mess with you!" Mantis screamed. His back hit the rail, preventing him from backing away any further. He whipped his head from side to side, searching for a weapon, anything that could be used against this vicious little creature! "Please! We just want to find our buddy! We don't want any trouble! PLEASE!" His voice quickly increased in pitch as the creature got closer. "WE DON'T WANT TROUBLE! PLEASE!"

The creature struck Mantis between his four legs before sprinting off the boat and disappearing into the village.

It was a while before any of them could recover enough to speak.

"What the HELL was that?" Monkey gasped as he got up slightly and rested his back against the rail next to Mantis.

"What was that thing?" Crane yelled, still lying sprawled on the deck. "He was so mean!"

"It all happened so fast!" Monkey clutched his bruised and aching skull.

They breathed and ached in silence for a long time before anyone else spoke.

"Guys, there's something I need to tell you." Mantis said, massaging his privates. Monkey and Crane did turn to look at him, but waited for whatever he had to say. "Last night… while we were gathered in the Hall of Warriors…" He looked away. "I slipped something into the rice wine."

It took a while for them to register what he had said.

"What?" Monkey gasped.

"I'm sorry guys. I screwed up!" Mantis gritted his teeth.

Crane got up on one wing as it slowly dawned on him.

"You poisoned us?" Crane stared at the very guilty insect.

"I didn't mean to! I found it in a little cabinet in the storeroom and thought it was beetroot extract!"

"What made you think it was beetroot extract?" Crane snapped.

"It was the same colour! I didn't think anything of it!"

"Why did you decide to put beetroot extract in the rice wine?" Monkey yelled.

"It was cheap rice wine!" Mantis replied. "I heard a rumour that adding beetroot extract to cheap rice wine makes it taste better!"

"BUT IT WASN'T BEETROOT EXTRACT, MANTIS, IT WAS PSYCHO JUICE!" Crane roared, all pain forgotten as he straightened up in rage.

"You really think that I knew that, Crane?" Mantis groaned. "It was packed in along with all the other little bottles! I mean, what kind of idiot would get a bottle of poison mixed up with vanilla and jasmine?"

"ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?" Crane leapt to his feet.

"Crane, calm down!" Monkey yelled.

"YOU FREAKIN' CALM DOWN! HE POISONED US!" Crane shouted. "I LOST MY FEATHERS! I LET MY BEST FRIEND'S BABY SON GET KIDNAPPED!"

"Hey, it was all our faults!" Mantis spoke up.

"YOU ARE SUCH A FRICKING MORON!"

Monkey got up and grabbed Crane's shoulders before the bird could get any more worked up.

"Watch your mouth!" Mantis snapped.

"SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE!"

"Hey, hey! Settle down!" Monkey said. "Really, this is actually a good thing! At least we know that it was Mantis who slipped us the poison, not someone else for god knows what reason!"

"Yeah, Monkey!" Crane's voice dripped with sarcasm. "We're so much better off now! May I remind you that our friend Po is probably lying dead in a ditch somewhere with a croc bandit using his belly as a pin cushion!"

"That's very unlikely." Mantis piped up.

"It's true!"

"That's enough!" Monkey snapped. "We only have until tomorrow morning to find Po and get him to the festival! Let's go back to the Jade Palace, we might find some clues there."

Crane didn't look at Mantis as they got off the boat.


An important message for all reviewers:

It is at this point that I would like you to try and guess where Po will turn up.

Happy guessing!