~*~Thanks for all the reviews and adds. They mean alot to me. I want to also thank Jen for helping me with this chapter. Also if you haven't checked out these authors than you should. Augustblack, liljenrocks, toooldforthis,admommy28. You missing out if you haven't~*~
Chapter 7
Stupid Girl
I lay out against the icy doctor's table while holding Embry's hand. It has been two weeks and I was finally able to have my stitches removed. In a way I was saddened to think they wouldn't be there anymore. They were the only thing holding me together and today I was going to have to do it on my own.
Most of my wounds had healed but the one in my heart was still a gaping hole. Although it is getting better to sleep at night, I still shivered before my eye lids shut. Although I was able to walk, I still felt the loneliness with every step. Although I was able to have a conversation, I still had my mind on him. It seems like it is a never ending cycle of remembrance of what I lost.
I was only back to the house twice to get a few belongings of mine in these past two weeks and I begrudgingly agreed to stay with Embry and to tell you the truth I am happy that I did. He has helped me with more than I could have asked him for and was slowly becoming my best friend.
At first I was a little guarded by him, but as the days went by and the loneliness settled in even more, sitting down and watching TV with him was comforting and so that became our night routine.
Although the mornings were my worst while he was at work, for being alone was still not healthy for me, I was beginning to be able to cope with it until he returned.
Occasionally, I would get a visit from my father for lunch, but it wasn't the same as it was with being with Embry. With Embry, I felt comfortable enough to break down in front of him for I knew he would be able to talk me back up. He always found a way to keep me out of the dark place and for that reason alone I was grateful to have him in my life.
I squeezed his hand harder as the doctor tried to get the last two on my ribs. After a few more pinches and jerks, he was done. I sat up and slowly walked towards the full length mirror. I had a sports bra and a pair of shorts on and as I got closer, my 5 slashes became even more visible. I could hear the doctor behind me beginning to explain scar tissue, but all I could hear was permanent. I will always have these scars and no matter how light they will get, they will always be a constant reminder of the day Raquel stood in my place.
A single tear fell down my face and I couldn't help but notice Embry step closer to me. He seemed to be like my protector. Trying to protect me from any more hurt than what I already had, but he couldn't protect me forever and I shouldn't expect him too. I have to stand up and dust myself off and start anew, myself. I had to clean myself of this.
Today the stitches were removed and I was still in one piece without them. That there showed me that a few stitches were all I needed and from there on I would be able to heal.
After giving my thanks and leaving the doctor's, I felt like a whole new person. I felt like there was hope and I could see the grass on the other side and it sure looked soft. I wanted to run for it but I knew it would take me a while to get there, but it was worth it from where I stood.
The drive home I began to make a list of things that I had to do and as we pulled into the drive I was all for sharing them with my new best friend.
"Embry?" I said while he turned off the engine.
"Yes, Bella?" He said while turning to face me.
"I want to sell the house!" I blurted while anxiously waiting to hear his opinion.
"Okay, then," he said.
"Will you help me?" I asked, while biting my lip and hoping that he would accept.
"Of course, Bella," he said, while grabbing my hand. "I also think that it's a good idea that you do this." I couldn't help but smile, it felt so good to not have to do this all alone.
"Will you also help me find a house?" I asked.
"Well, let's first try and sell the one you have," he said, while also smiling brightly.
We made our way into his house and then directly to the Internet to find a good Realtor close by. After a few suggestions, we picked one and Embry called for me. After a few disagreements on scheduling, we were booked for this Friday to have a meeting with them.
I was so excited to be able to rid myself of that house that I instantly began to bake a cake to celebrate. I decided I would treat myself every time I got closer to healing for it meant that I was becoming me again and that was enough to celebrate.
It felt like the screaming inside was slowly coming out into a smile and although it was only a cover up for now. I couldn't help but smile a real smile to think that I might be able to get through this. That the pain will slowly fade away and although that meant Jake would too, it was enough because I was going to be alone either way I went.
While I put the cake in the oven I decide against my better judgment and wall that I was building that I would call Jake. I wanted to invite him over to discuss the house. I knew I didn't want all the money out of it for it was partly Jake's as well.
I dialed the number five times before I let it ring and following that was a beautiful voice that I hadn't recognized since it wasn't the husky or raspy voice I was used to answering it. "Hello" rang through my ears 3 times before I could respond for I was responding to what had to be Raquel.
"Hello," I was finally able to say. The other end fell silent as I stood there shaking. I began to question myself on whether or not I was ready for this. I then felt warmth against my shoulders as the trembling began to fade and it was then that I was able to speak again.
"May I speak to Jake, please?" I said, as I turned towards the comfort behind me because I knew I needed it for what I was putting myself through next.
"Sure, one second," she said quietly.
I waited for what seemed like 2 seconds before Jake picked up the phone.
"Bella?" he said. I froze for a second while trying to remember what I even called him for, as his sweet voice kissed my ears.
"Jake…um…I was wondering if you could come over tonight. I have decided to sell the house and I wanted to discuss it with you." I quickly said in one breath.
"Sure, sure. I can be over around 7. Is that okay?" he asked.
"That would be great. See you at 7." I said and then quickly hung up the phone so I didn't have to bear the unfamiliar goodbye that we were bound to have.
"Thanks Embry." I said while then turning towards the kitchen. I figured to keep my mind off, of what I had just done and will endure, I would make us dinner.
"No problem Bella, but are you sure your up for this?" he asked which made my stomach sink. I knew this would be a bad idea and for Embry to question it meant that it probably was, but I have discovered today that I could be stronger than what I have let myself become.
"I am not sure Embry, but I am going to start dinner. Anything you have in mind?" I asked while heading straight for the pots and pans. I had to get started as fast as I could before I let myself go that far into thought.
"I have something in mind. I am sure you want to be busy till 7 so how about we go all out?" he asked while smirking at me. He always found a way to make everything dreadful seem and feel insignificant.
"What do you have in mind?" I asked while watching him now dig in a cabinet. He then turned to plop a bag of potatoes in front of me.
"Why don't you peel these and get a pot of water boiling while I go fetch us a turkey." He said and I couldn't help but giggle. It was a very good idea. I would have a lot to prepare and cook within these 5 hours and that is just what I needed.
"Sounds like a plan." I said while grabbing a peeler out of the drawer.
Embry left within minutes and I was already on my fourth potato. I was on a roll. I had to be.
I hummed quietly while quickly reaching the end of the bag when Embry walked back through the door with a few grocery bags.
It wasn't any longer after that, that Embry and I had a 5 course meal prepared and a juicy turkey in the oven. We both plopped down on the couch while waiting. I only had 45 minutes to finish up with the turkey and talk Embry's ear off, which he never seemed to be bothered by, while avoiding the inevitable knock at the door.
The house had the overwhelming smell of Thanksgiving and I could hear my stomach already growling. It all smelt so good and I couldn't wait to eat it, but as the minutes ticked on I didn't know if I was able eat a thing with the thought of Jake being near.
I helped Embry as he began to slice the turkey but it was then that I heard a knock at the door. I quickly looked to Embry.
"I will get it," Embry said while laying down the knife and heading towards the door.
I heard hushed whispers while grabbing a few plates and heading towards the table that Jake was now beginning to sit at. I handed out the plates and sat in front of him.
When around Jake I always had butterflies, but now at the moment I had bees it seemed and they were stinging the hell out of me. I was playing a tug a war with my heart. I thought I was standing my ground but all my legs wanted to do was run. Run home where they thought they belonged, which was in Jake's arms. I could tell my heart was racing and I slowly realized that I wasn't moving but that I was shaking as I sat in front of the man that I loved. With all the strength I had I stood up. I looked to Embry and then back to Jake.
"I am sorry. I thought I could do this. But I…I can't" I said before bounding off towards my bedroom.
Why did I build my life around someone? Why did I give myself to someone? When in the end my life would revolve around nobody while also fighting to get myself back.
Stupid girl.
Stupid girl.
That is what I am.
I felt like I had so much willpower this morning, and instead of the night ending with some victory, it ended in defeat as I lay against my tear stained pillows and drifted into hopelessness.
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