Lost.
Lost in the Darkness, lost within myself. Just lost. Always, always lost.
My parents had named me rather appropriately, don't you think?
Although, I guess you have to be somewhere, or belong somewhere to be lost. I never had. You don't know what it's like to be found if you never have been, if you've always been lost, I suppose you've always been found. Where you belong is to be lost.
Tuyteri's voice breaks the peace of my mind, as he tells me I need to stop sleeping, and get to work. I never sleep, is what I think, I haven't slept since that night. A ninja is always alert, even if they seem not to be.
None the less, my eyes open to be met with black and white. Black and white of the light spattered across the ground, shadow or light in random patterns from being blocked from the sun by the leaves above. The black and white of Tuyteri; his hair black in color but shining white with light, and his eyes that are dark but shine with light, a humour only I can see. The black and white of my mind; as I draw in all of these things, mixing with the dark recesses of my mind and the bright of my happy memories. Everything is black and white to me; I have never truly seen color. Yes, it is there, but never meant for my eyes to see.
Tuyteri rolls his eyes at my laziness, muttering something under his breath that I can't catch. Whether it is because my mind is slow, or because it is much too soft for me to hear, I do not know. I always live in this groggy state, where I look aware, but I am not. Stuck between sleep and consciousness, wanting to be one or the other, yet my mind and body will not let me. Everything is gradual, but I myself never change, so I am stuck in the limbo between worlds.
I roll to my feet, engaging myself in the routine I use so much my body could do it asleep. This is good, not to have to think. It slows one down, brings in your mortal mind and feelings, which can determine the outcome of a fight being a victory or a loss. Everything I've done is to end up in this almost robotic state, when thinking is absurd, yet you are nearly unbeatable; a bystander in your own mind.
Tuyteri throws kunai at me, but my body is quicker. I block his weapons with some of my own, sending twice the amount of what he sent to me clattering to the ground. The movement comes, and I barely feel it, the sounds of the outcome one of my only rewards and indications that any movement had been made. I am a stranger in my own body, but if this is what it takes to win, I'll do it.
Another voice enters my ears, causing Tuyteri to stop. My battle-made self turns toward the sound as well, and I see messy brown hair and a giant white dog.
I take over again, no longer a robot made from practice. Why does he have to come now? I don't want to deal with this. I want to be a robot again, with no emotions on the matter, dealing with all problems with a simple physical movement and little thought.
"What?" Tuyteri asked, scowling. Kiba ignored him, stalking up to me with his dog at his heels.
I turned away from him, pulling out kunai and practicing my targets with them. Just as I am about to throw another, however, he grabs my wrist and stops my movement. I watch his hand with blank eyes. Stupid dog, he thinks this will get him what he wants? After Sasuke, Kiba was the object of girls throughout Konoha (though not quite as popular), so he probably thought I liked him too.
A simple movement, and hand slips out of his grip. I stalk forward and pull the kunai from the target, shoving them in my weapons pouch before walking away.
I could feel their eyes on my back. One animalistic, two human. One worry, one curiosity and hunger, and the other mere watching because I am moving.
My hand moves subconsciously moves to rest on my sword hilt, but it only touched the handle of the weapon before I catch myself and pull it away. But as the ninja and friend he is, Tuyteri does not miss the movement, and knows the feelings behind it. He suddenly strikes up a conversation with the dog master, trying to distract him.
I still feel the eyes watching me. They melt from curiosity to something else, something familiar. I miss the feeling of this kind of gaze, for I have not felt it for so long.
No, I can not let myself grow close to someone again. Ninja's are heartless, and so are avengers. I think I'm finally beginning to understand Sasuke.
