Lexa felt like shit.

It was Monday, and she'd been out of school for a good three hours, sitting at home alone and beating herself up mentally. It had been almost two full days since the last time she messaged Clarke, and she felt like a bitch. The previous day, Clarke had messaged her a few times, but she hadn't gotten a single message from the girl all day.

She knew that it was absolutely unfair to be upset about the lack of messages from Clarke when she was the one not responding.

The sad thing was that it had only been two days. It wasn't like she'd gone weeks without talking to the blonde, but after talking to her every day for a week straight, it felt wrong to not be talking to her. But it was necessary. At least, that's what she'd told herself Sunday night after Raven had insisted to her that she was becoming reliant on talking to Clarke. What made it all the more depressing, however, was that now that she wasn't talking to her, Lexa was realizing that maybe her best friend had been right. On one hand, that idea made her want to literally delete her Twitter account and keep this from ever happening again, and on the other hand, she wanted to give in and message Clarke. If she waited too long, it would be totally weird to message her, so she needed to make up her mind soon.

After another fifteen minutes or so of contemplation, she finally made a decision.

Direct Message With princess_blondie

Lexa – Hey, I'm really sorry for not messaging you back yesterday. I had a weird couple of days and wasn't really feeling up to being online. :(

She didn't get an instant response, and she forced herself to accept that. In fact, she wouldn't blame Clarke if she didn't answer for a whole day or more. Lexa had started it, after all.

It was only a few minutes later, though, that she did actually get a reply.

C – It's okay, I get it :) Though I have to admit that it was weird not talking to you after talking to you for a week straight.

Lexa – Yeah, it was really weird. I feel really shitty about it, I'm sorry :(

C – You don't owe me anything, Lexa.

Then why did it feel like she did?

Lexa – So did you ever find a cute outfit for the party you're going to on Friday?

C – My friend did haha. I guess I'll succumb and wear it. The bright side is that Nathan said if I get abandoned by her on Friday he'll hang out with me.

C – Shit, Nathan is the guy I was talking about.

Lexa – I figured haha. Don't worry, I won't somehow use his name combined with yours to figure out where you are and start stalking you or something ;)

C – I wasn't worried until you said that. XD

Lexa – Please, who do you think I am? If I wanted to stalk you, I would already be doing it ;)

C – Yeah, like you could have already.

Lexa – You don't know, maybe I'm some sort of crazy IP address tracker or something.

C – Well I guess in that case I better throw away my phone and get a new one and never download Twitter again :o

Lexa – Haha no, no, don't do that XD

C – Alright fine, but if you show up at my door in crazy stalker style…

Lexa – I won't, but I'm curious to know what comes after that "…" lol

There was no immediate response, so Lexa assumed that Clarke had other obligations of some sort, and she decided to get some homework done, or at least do something productive.


"Have you been doing better in class since that day your history teacher emailed?" Jake wondered, and Clarke just nodded and shrugged simultaneously as she took a bite of her dinner. Her parents didn't usually cook and ask Clarke to sit with them for an actual meal, mostly because her parents tended to work weird shifts at their respective jobs. Usually, it was just one of them home at a time until really late at night. However, today they had both had the evening off, and Jake had decided to whip up some pasta and salad.

Clarke couldn't complain about the food at all, but as soon as the topic of school came up, she became immediately closed off. Abby cleared her throat before speaking. "Clarke, don't just shrug. That's disrespectful, and you know that."

"Yes, I've been doing fine. I just don't like talking about school at home."

Abby hummed, and Clarke braced herself for whatever annoyed response was to come. "Well, school is what you do all day, so I'm not sure what else we'd really have to talk to you about."

"We could always talk about like, the news or whatever crazy shit happens at your guys' jobs or something."

"Clarke, language," Abby huffed out.

"Calm down, Abby, she's a teenager," Jake said much more calmly. "And she's right, we don't sit down and talk to Clarke very much. We don't always have to talk about school. I just wanted to make sure that you're doing okay, kiddo."

"I'm doing okay," Clarke promised as best as she could, before taking another bite of her food and hoping that her mom would drop it and her dad wouldn't see through her words.

"Oh, actually, I do have some interesting gossip from work," Abby said. "I'm not usually one to gossip, of course, but since Clarke is so adamant we talk about something else… the hospital's secretary – Jean? – her son turned out to be gay."

Clarke's throat practically closed up when she heard her mom say those words, and gagged for half a second and then broke out into a coughing fit. "Clarke, are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, I just," she sputtered in between coughs. Finally managing to swallow her food and then taking down a long gulp of water, she shook her head and met her parents' gazes. "Sorry, salad got caught in my throat. Back to what you were saying."

"That's really it, I just don't get it. It started going around in the nurse's department and one of the doctors heard about it, which is how I heard. I don't know Jean real well or anything, but it makes me wonder what kind of mother she is that he turned out queer like that," Abby said, sounding entirely too skeptical.

"It's all natural, Abby, haven't you read all those new studies and stuff?" Jake said calmly. "It's not about being raised gay, it's something in the biology. I guess, you being a doctor, you'd know more about that than me."

"Well, I don't know about that, but I do know that 'natural' or not, it's not normal," Abby said firmly. "I feel bad for Jean, though, being the talk of the hospital all of the sudden. Especially if it isn't her fault. I can't imagine that, though. Clarke, is there anyone like that at your school?"

Clarke shrugged, and when her mom gave her a pointed look, she swallowed thickly and tried to prepare a response. "I mean, if there is, no one talks about it."

"Hmm, well Jean's son goes to a public school. I bet a place like that fosters homosexuality. That's why I wanted you in a private school, Clarke, the people are much more pure." Clarke nearly snorted out a laugh at that. Her school, full of partiers, assholes, sexually active teenagers, and at least two or three non-straights, was not pure. Thankfully, she managed to cover the laugh up as a cough leftover from her coughing fit before. Her mother's next words, however, absolutely ripped any amusement from her thoughts. "I'm just glad that I don't have to worry about anything like that. I would not want to be in Jean's position. Can you imagine how embarrassing that would be?"

Jake coughed awkwardly. "I don't know, honey, I don't think it's that big of a deal."

"Not that big of a deal? Come on, Jake, you can't tell me that you think gay people are okay? There's obviously something wrong with them, biological or not," Abby insisted.

"I think we have no premise to make assumptions like that, so maybe we should just leave the topic."

Clarke was staring down at her food, her appetite entirely gone by now. In fact, she felt like maybe she was about to vomit up her meal. "I think I'm full," she said quietly, "may I be excused?"

Abby huffed and said, "You barely ate anything, Clarke," just as Jake said, "You may."

Clarke took the second response and stood up from the table, trying not to seem too rushed as she headed upstairs. Her parents were immediately caught up in an argument downstairs, and she wondered if it was about the gay stuff, or if that had already been forgotten and they were discussing her being excused from the table too early.

Either way, Clarke didn't want to hear it. She closed her door somewhat loudly, locked it, and went to plug her phone into her speaker. She'd gotten it for Christmas, from Octavia, and it had been her savior in the rare moments that she was alone and wanted to drown out the rest of the world.

She hit play on her Spotify playlist and then flopped onto her bed.

A few songs later, her phone dinged at her with the notification of a Twitter message. It was from Raven, and she was also reminded that she'd had to leave her conversation with Lexa in order to have dinner with her parents.

Direct Message With lexawarriorwoods

C – Sorry, had to go have the worst possible dinner ever with my parents.

Direct Message With raeraebae

Raven – Yo blondie, how are you? :)

C – Significantly worse than I was earlier. I just had the worst dinner with my parents. My mom started gossiping about some lady at her work whose son just came out as gay, and how omg wouldn't that be so embarrassing and thank goodness I go to a private school where everyone is "pure" and good thing my mom never has to deal with a "gay" kid because there is something wrong with them.

Raven – Shit that fucking SUCKS.

C – My dad is way more chill on the topic, but he didn't say much about it today. I mean, he tried, but my mother is a force of nature.

Raven – I'm sorry Clarke :(

C – It's whatever. How are you?

Raven – Could be worse, but I'm bored. Lexa's been at her place since school ended and I went out with another friend, but now I'm all alone back at my house ugh.

Raven – Lonelyyyy, I'm Mr. Lonelyyyyy, I have nobodyyyy for my owwwnnnn

C – Mr. Lonely, huh?

Raven – dude it's the song it's not my fault

Raven – Shit, I'm getting a phone call, talk to you later fam

Clarke sighed, letting her phone drop onto her stomach. It was still connected to her speaker, so music was still filling the air around her, which kept her effectively distracted from the awful reality she was living in.

What if she came out? Would her mother actually hate her? Her dad would be okay, she knew that. He was a good person, but Abby… even if she didn't hate Clarke in the event that the blonde decided to for some reason come out, she would be so disappointed. Embarrassed.

Biting down on her lower lip, her eyes clenched shut to hold in the tears that were now attempting to flood out of her. "Shit."

Her phone dinged again, and she grabbed it so quickly, risking the tears escaping in order to check the notification.

Direct Message With lexawarriorwoods

Lexa – What happened? :(

C – My mom started talking about a woman at her job whose son just came out, and how embarrassed she would be if that happened to her, and how it's a good thing I go to a private school where everyone is "pure."

Lexa – Shit. That's so awful, I'm so sorry.

C – Yeah, it sucks.

Lexa – I guess you need some cheering up, huh?

C – Probably lol.

Clarke suddenly got a string of YouTube video links from her friend, and she smiled slightly, clicking on the first one. They were all pretty short videos that were just funny and light, and they took her mind off of everything.

She fell asleep watching one of the videos about fifteen minutes later.


Tuesday was easily one of the weirdest days of Clarke's entire high school experience.

It started off as a normal day – she met up with Octavia before first period and then they split up to go to their classes. Clarke was as quiet and disconnected from her peers as always. Then, after second period, there was some fight or something in one of the hallways that made Clarke decide to take a detour to her class. Her new route made her cross paths with Nathan, and when their gazes met, they both smiled at each other.

It didn't stop there, though, because Nathan was suddenly stopping in front of her. "Hey, Clarke, I was thinking that maybe… you can I can hang out this weekend?" he said, somewhat quietly. "Texting you was… helpful for me, and I think talking would be nice too. Are you busy?"

"Well…" Clarke's instinct was to say that she was always busy with Octavia on weekends, but the truth was that the only reason for that was because she never had any other plans. "I'm going to that party on Friday, which you knew… but Saturday I can probably hang out. Octavia usually has practice through most of the morning and middle of the day so I'll definitely be free then."

"Okay yeah, we should hang out then. Would your place be a good place to…? Because if not, we'll need to go out. My parents are way too eager to have me hanging out with a girl to let me just hang with a girl as a friend. They'd probably interrupt us every two seconds. Not to mention, I don't want to risk anything…"

Clarke knew what he meant, but unfortunately, the reason she could understand was because she was in the same boat. "My parents are the same way," she admitted, "but… I think they'll be working. Maybe I can just let you know on Friday if I run into you at the party? And if not, I'll just text you."

"Yeah, that works," Nathan said with a smile and a nod. "I guess I'll see you then."

"Yeah, see you," Clarke agreed, and then they parted ways. That was when Clarke realized that people around them were looking at her with extremely curious eyes.

What's their problem?

After completing her walk to third period and sitting down, she realized why those gazes had all been drawn to her. Nathan was a football player – a single one who never seemed to have any interest in any girls. Now, suddenly, he was interacting with arguably the most recluse girl in the whole school.

Now, she could practically hear the question running through all of their heads.

What's it about her that has him interested?

Little did they know that what made the two of them interested in talking to each other was the utter lack of interest in each other in any way more than friendship.


"So, I was talking to Clarke yesterday," Raven said, stretching across the bleachers behind the school, "and she was all upset because of her parents. Turns out her mom is awful."

"I know, I was talking to her, too," Lexa stated bluntly, drawing her legs toward her body and crossing them somewhat defensively.

Raven raised an eyebrow. "Really? How come yesterday morning she told me that you hadn't messaged her since Saturday?"

"Because I hadn't."

"Why not? You really started ghosting her?"

Lexa crossed her arms over her chest. "Because you decided to be a bitch and start assuming things about the way I feel."

"What, because I said you have a crush on Clarke?"

"Yes, and because I don't."

Raven looked at her evenly, and her eyebrows slowly knit together. "Okay, so… you don't have a crush on Clarke, but you ghosted her because I suggested that you might?"

"Yes…" Lexa's voice trailed off as she realized how ridiculous she sounded. "Fuck, Raven, I can't have a crush on her. She's like… not real. I mean, of course she is, but I don't know her."

"First of all, just because you have a crush on her doesn't mean it has to go anywhere, especially if you don't want it to. However, since she is real, if you wanted it to go somewhere, it's not like it can't. She lives in California somewhere, right? I mean, even if you didn't, in this day and age you can basically get her snapchat and have a full-fledged relationship."

"That's ridiculous, Raven," Lexa chided, "you can't have sex on snapchat."

"No, but people try."

"That's gross."

Raven snorted as she let out a highly amused laugh. "Look, Lexa, I'm just saying that you don't need to completely distress over the fact that you have a crush."

"I don't get crushes on people every day, Raven," Lexa whined, "and I don't even know what Clarke looks like!"

"Ask for her snapchat," Raven insisted. Lexa opened her mouth to argue, but Raven immediately began talking again. "Lexa, it doesn't have to be some huge deal. You're making this out to be some life crisis. Honestly, don't ghost Clarke. Keep getting to know her, if she's comfortable letting you know what she looks like, and you both end up liking each other, then just let it happen."

"Raven – "

"Seriously, Lexa, stop arguing with me and accept the fact that you know I'm right," Raven snapped. "I've heard all your shit about online friends, but if you really believed that, you wouldn't have talked to Clarke enough to start liking her. That's just a fact. So just roll with it, okay? You're putting this way out of proportion."

Lexa took in a deep breath, leaning backwards slightly against her palm, which was pressed against the bleacher she was seated on. "Shit, I'm sorry. You're right. I'm definitely making this too much of a big deal."

"Yes. So I think that to avoid any more ghosting, let's talk about what you're going to do in order to not stop just rolling with it."

"I mean… I don't think Clarke would give me her snapchat if I asked, and like… wouldn't it be kind of invasive to ask? I basically already forced her name out of her."

"Wait, but didn't you guess it?"

Lexa nearly missed a beat, but after a brief mental stumble, she replied with a smooth fib, "Yeah, but she admitted it or whatever. I just mean, she doesn't want people to know what she looks like, or she would post pictures. So I don't want to ask her to do that."

"Okay, then don't. Just keep talking to her like you normally do. I guess on one hand, the more you talk to her, the more likely you are to find things that you don't like about her, right? Who knows, your crush might disappear before you even get an opportunity to know another small fact about her appearance," Raven said with a shrug.

"Yeah…"

"Good talk, Lex. Now you and I need to go get some food before I pass out."