Giving Up Cassie

Chapter Seven

Sam woke early the next morning still wrapped in the Colonel's arms. She stilled her movements just enjoying the feel of his body against hers. They'd spent the night making love, the best sex of her life.

She lay there for some time just going over the night before in her mind. She had to put on just the right air before he woke. She knew they couldn't let this happen again; it was a one-time moment of weakness. What a weakness, the night that she needed him and he cared enough to help her through. But they had to leave it there.

Sam hadn't known just how much she really felt for this man until last night. But she knew too, that she needed her job and the job needed both of them. She couldn't have this 'life' just yet, she couldn't even have Cassie.

Last night she'd realized that too. It broke her heart, but she had to do what was best for Cassie and her team and especially her planet. She didn't usually let herself break like that, but she had known how much Cassie needed her and she had let that subconsciously lead her to a false hope of having a family. Something she'd desperately needed since her mother's death.

She was and still would be willing to adopt Cassie and put her first, even if it meant giving up her coveted position on SG1. She had let that idea worm its way into her heart so much so that she'd never thought that Janet's offer would cause her such pain. But it had.

Maybe she'd learned something about herself through this. Maybe she wasn't the ice queen as she'd been accused time and again because she had not been able to show her in-depth feelings and emotions since losing her family after her mother died.

Her family that had been filled with love and laughter, suddenly disintegrated. Her father and brother fought over whose fault it was until her father had completely withdrawn from them both and her brother left home. She had only talked to him a dozen or so times in the following years.

She knew very well that the Colonel, Daniel and Teal'c had had a lot to do with the renewal of life within her soul. They had come together as family and had shown each other such care and concern that she'd realized that she could trust love, that other people could love her. Her deeply buried emotions had fired to life with her need to care for Cassie, so much that they had spilled out onto the Colonel.

Her inability to put herself out there for others to see made her look cold and uncaring. SG1 had changed that. They each cared for the other and they were all in the same boat, damaged, to one degree or the other. But they were able to come together as a unit to support and keep one another not only safe but whole. They were her safety net, Jack most of all, because he was the most like her. They understood each other.

She'd have to put this new experience of him in the back of her mind. Store it away to take out and remember the next time things were bad. Because there was no doubt that this could not happen again. It was one thing, having sex with her CO, a one time thing.

Against regulations. Something she never thought she'd do.

Never.

But admitting that it was more than a one time thing would make it more than she knew either of them was ready for. That's what was so painful, admitting that she wasn't ready for a relationship with this wonderful man at this point in her life; admitting that her life was just too busy, too unstable to give herself to either him or Cassie.

But so was his. Their jobs were just too important.

Thank goodness that it was Jack and not someone who wouldn't understand that she had to put her job first.

Had to.

Although she felt that he really cared for her a lot, she knew that he felt the same way.

Duty first.

This was a one time thing. Had to be. Because she knew it was more than just sex.

Much more for them both, even if they couldn't admit it. Wouldn't admit it.

Duty, among several other things, they had in common. They were both military through and through, they understood. They understood what it meant to put their duty first. They would just have to learn to keep this between them and not let it affect their work, their team. She felt sure that's what he'd meant by his comment last night.

Her job would be to keep it from going 'sour' as he had said. But she refused to regret this night or let him be sorry for it. It had meant the world to her and she needed him to know that. Maybe she couldn't commit to Cassie or him at present, but she hoped that someday…

She could feel his body's slight morning reaction to either her or just early morning. Or it could be a little of both. She turned in his arms and found him smiling at her, so she kissed him, softy at first then she deepened the kiss.

"Hey," she said as they broke away for breath. He was grateful that she was taking this so well. He really didn't know what to expect, that had worried him as he had lain so still waiting for her to come fully awake.

"Hey, beautiful." He smiled back at her, his eyes questioning.

"I wish we could do that again. I really, really do. But we…" she hesitated and just held his gaze for a few moments, "both know why we can't. Right?" Her voice sounded strange, but it was obvious she was not upset over what had happened. Neither did she seem to regret it. "But I have to tell you, I loved every minute of it. I needed you and I really appreciate your staying, Jack."

"I know Carter. And for the record, I loved it too. You were so hot!" He smiled at her and gathered her in his arms for one more kiss.

"Okay, do we need to talk about any of this or are we…," he waved his hands back and forth between them then added, "okay?"

"I'm really okay, Colonel. Really. You?"

"If you are." But he was still looking at her with some doubt. "You don't think we need to report to Hammond?" His eyes captured hers.

"No, Colonel. I don't. I know I have to give up Cassie. And I know we have a job to do." She held his gaze, not smiling but communicating unspoken feelings and decisions. "I thought we didn't need to talk about this?" She asked softly. He reached for her once more and softy kissed her lips.

"You're some'um else, Sam." His voice softly reflected the pride he felt for her. She let him hold her a few more minutes, before she sat up looking around the room.

"Whatcha doin'? Carter."

"Trying to find my robe," she said, pulling the cover up over her naked breasts.

"You can get up, I've seen, remember." He teased her. She giggled. I really do wish I could have a life with this man she thought, but dared not say it.

"Well, if we're going back to CO and Second, I just didn't want to tempt you any further," she said as she got up and stood naked by the side of the bed, smiling down at him, teasing him.

"Maybe you were right," he squeaked as he started at her body. "God, Carter you're so beautiful." His eyes met hers and they held a long silent conversation.

"So are you, Jack," she whispered in a husky voice, leaned in and kissed him once more. Standing up straight she added sadly, "That was the last kiss. Have to get dressed before Cassie gets up!" She turned away from the bed and started walking to the bathroom but turned back to the bed. "Jack?"

"Yeah?"

"Maybe someday we can get back to this? Someday when we're not so needed by the world?"

"I can promise that two, Carter." His eyes blazed into hers making her knees weak. "It'll make me work that much harder to stop the snakes."

She stood in the door leaning her head on the door frame just smiling at him and taking in the sight of a gorgeously naked Colonel O'Neill. "Me too, Colonel," she said dreamily. She turned back toward the bathroom.

"Sam."

"Yeah?"

"You want me with, when you talk to Janet?"

"Yes." Her eyes sparkled with gratitude as she turned and closed the bath room door. He could hear her humming through the door.

Maybe this will be okay, he thought. Carter was a complicated woman. Beautiful. Smart. It was really a one off for her to be so broken by this thing with Cassie. He wouldn't pretend to understand. But he hoped she really had come to terms with her decision, and that it wouldn't keep hurting her so much.

He knew she'd made the right decision for Cassie and for Earth. But he also knew she'd have more bad times, he just wished he could be there for her this same way. But he knew that was not reality. As much as he didn't want to admit it, this was way more than sex or just friendship.

He would watch to make sure she was okay with Janet and Cassie, and keep praying that this wonderful night between them didn't destroy their working relationship or friendship. He'd meant he couldn't keep doing this job without her, even knowing what he was giving up to keep her on his team.

Jack felt the same loss as he'd felt when the elevator in the underground bunker started back down with Carter in it. He resigned himself to the fact that they had to take Cassie to the bunker. They feared that the bomb in her body would blow up the base. Not much choice even though it broke his heart.

But Carter.

That had been different. He still had not admitted even to himself exactly what he'd felt, he just knew the sight of the numbers 26 and 27 would always remind him of what he could have lost.

Someday.

The thought held both promise and fear. Fear that he might never deserve this beautiful genius, even if she were to actually fall in love with him. Promise because he knew the thought would stand as a reminder of what he could have. Right now, that was enough.

Had to be.

The world needed saving, and that was their job, a job that they had to do together because as he'd just discovered they were stronger together.

He just had to hold that thought.

Someday.

They just had to still their feelings until they could have it all.

Someday.

Jack lay back with his hand behind his head and hummed.

Someday didn't seem that far off.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

"Janet, this is Sam. Can we talk?" Sam held the phone to her ear as Jack fixed eggs and bacon for Cassie's breakfast.

"Sure. Sam, are we okay?" Janet's voice was hesitant yet she sounded hopeful.

"Janet, please just come over and let's talk. Colonel O'Neill's here and will watch Cassie."

"Okay, Sam. When?"

"Now, or any time this morning, you're off today, right?"

"Yes, how about in an hour?" Janet was nervous. She was so hopeful, but she wasn't sure what Sam had decided.

"I'll be waiting. Thanks Janet." Sam hung up the phone and just stared at it. No, she thought, now was just not her time. Maybe someday she'd have that perfect child and perfect man, this just wasn't the time.

The world really did need them. They had no choice. Not yet.

She went back into the kitchen, "Colonel, Janet will be here in about an hour. Okay?"

"Okay with me, Carter. I told you, I got nothing to do today but hang out and help you." He smiled at her. He was getting to her. She had to get hold of herself or he'd think she was upset over their night together. She smiled back.

"Come on, eat. It's all ready. Cassie! Come on baby, Uncle Jack's cooked your breakfast again." He said loudly getting giggles from both girls.

Sam helped Cassie get settled and handed her a glass of juice. Jack filled her plate and sat it in front of her. They ate while answering questions that Cassie asked about Earth and all the strange things that she was encountering.

The longer that time past the quieter that Sam became. Jack was watching her all the while trying to keep Cassie engaged. He knew how painful this was for Sam, but he didn't make any comments or let her know he'd noticed her silence. Anyway, he didn't really know what to say without upsetting Cassie.

After breakfast they straightened the kitchen and were sitting around the table teaching Cassie to play cards when Sam's door bell rang. She almost jumped out of her skin. Raising her wide eyed gaze to met Jack's questioning eyes, she froze. Now. Now was the time.

Janet was here. Now. Jack saw the change in her mood and quickly jumped to his feet, "Carter, why don't you get the door?" He waited for her to focus and realization to light those beautiful blue eyes.

"Okay?" He waited for her response, but she didn't answer. "I'll take Cass to the park across the street? How's that sound?" He held her gaze hoping she could do this without getting upset again.

"Sure." She finally answered after the third door bell rang out loudly. Slowly getting to her feet she looked back at Jack. He nodded toward the door and smiled.

"It's the right thing, Sam," he said in a soft encouraging voice.

"I sure hope so, Colonel," she answered, quickly turning toward the front door.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Jack stood outside her lab door, just watching her. He'd done this so many times lately. He'd watch; she'd never look up. He'd lose his nerve and leave. He knew the decision had been made. It was official. Janet had temporary custody of Cassie until the adoption was finalized. He'd talked to Sam and Janet. He knew every thing was good between them. But he still worried for Carter.

She'd been quieter and holed up in her lab more than usual this last two weeks. Jack knew she'd had dinner with Janet and Cassie at least six nights out of the last two weeks. Two of those nights the whole team had been invited. They all felt it was best for Cassie if Sam was around more at first, then gradually taper off on her visits.

Cassie had taken the news much better than they had thought. Only Jack knew just how much it really upset the child. He'd talked to her, himself to make sure she understood as much as possible. Jack didn't sugar coat the truth.

He explained that Sam was too smart and that no one knew the things she did. That no one could take her place at the SGC. He explained to Cassie what Sam did or as much as he thought she'd understand. That Earth's welfare was at stake because of the Goa'uld and that the SGC needed Sam to help fight them. It had taken some explanation, but treating the child with respect and letting her have as much of the truth as possible, Cassie had not cried in front of anyone else, even Sam.

Jack would never forget the sweet comments that Cassie had made with her child's wisdom when he'd tried to explain why Sam couldn't adopt her.

"I'm a lucky little girl, Uncle Jack. I'm the only survivor of a whole planet. I have a new home and new people who love me. It won't matter which one I live with, will it Uncle Jack? Won't you all still take care of me and play with me? I love you all, Uncle Jack. Even Uncle George."

She smiled at him and he knew for certain he had just lost his heart to this little angel. No one would ever take her place in his heart. He felt as if he'd just held his new born 'daughter.'

He'd picked her up hugged her tight, "Of course we will. Baby, we'll always take care of you. Of course we all love you." Cassie was so much smarter than they gave her credit, she understood the situation. She never gave them a minute's trouble over going to live with Janet. Cassie had known that Janet loved her too, and she really liked the tiny doctor. This helped to lighten Sam's heart.

0o0o0o0o0o0o0

Sam looked up and saw him standing at her lab door. She'd actually seen him several times before this, but he'd left before coming in. This time she spoke up before he had time to leave. She didn't want him to start feeling uncomfortable with her or ignoring her. That would cause trouble for them.

"Colonel O'Neill." She called loudly making sure he would hear her. She watched as he walked all the way into the room. "You need to see me, Sir?" She asked watching Jack's eyes intently.

"Yeah, I just wanted to know how you are." His eyes locked with hers and he waited for her to tell him.

"Colonel, I'm okay. Really." They just kept staring into each other's eyes. Her voice became really soft and she added, "Jack, I'm fine. I'm glad that you're concerned. It means a lot."

His face turned into a huge smile that made his long dimples really visible. She smiled back.

"Just wanted to make sure everything is okay with you. You ready for the mission tomorrow? First one we've had in over a month?"

"Yeahsureyabetcha," she answered. He laughed; it seemed funny to hear members of his team and even some of the other people on base using his colloquialisms. He stepped closer to her and with one hand squeezed her shoulder lightly then turned to walk out of her lab.

"Sir."

"Yeah, Carter?"

"I… we.. really are okay… Sir, thanks for taking such good care of me. You don't know how much it helps or what it means to me." Her eyes held his in a direct path filled with sincerity and affection. His eyes were bright chocolate pools shining back at her with more emotion than she'd seen on his face since their night together, eyes sending silent messages that promised a bright future. They were okay. They were okay.

"Any time, Carter. Always"

THE END or just the beginning.

Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this little fic. I enjoyed writing it. Thanks so much for all your comments and reviews. I LOVED each and every one of them.