Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect or any of the characters, neither do I earn any money writing these stories.
Author Note: Thanks a lot for reading and sticking with me. I appreciate every single person reading and of course, every review helps to keep me motivated.
This Chapter has been in my mind for quite a while. I apologize if it doesn't fit 100% into the story-flow. Yet I believe it fits in well enough and shouldn't throw the rest of the story off balance. If it seems a bit too dark for some of you - I'm sorry but my horrible mood demanded a tribute.
My thanks and hugs go to Sia and Jilly this time, for the a great amount of patience and the endless effort to seek out and destroy my typos and illogical thinking!
"Commander, we picked up a message on an Alliance channel – seems like an emergency." Joker informed her over the com channel.
"Hack it Joker, I am on my way." She stopped taking off her boots and instead fastened them again. "There just ain't no rest for the wicked," she mumbled to herself while she grabbed her heavy pistol on the way out. It didn't take long before she had reached the cockpit and waited for Joker to inform her.
"It seems like they have an emergency on the planet surface and they are requesting reinforcements immediately to protect the colony," the helmsman explained.
"Establish a channel for me." She demanded and turned around until she reached the weapons locker. When she heard the familiar sound indicating a live link from the transmitter she began to speak. "Alliance ground team – Commander Shepard here, we heard you are in tight spot. How can we help?" A moment of silence followed her transmission and she wondered if she should repeat it.
"Shepard of the Normandy?" a familiar voice asked over the channel and she froze.
"Yes, Alenko, it's me. What are you doing here?" She did her best to hide her surprise. There would be time to talk and reminisce later, she decided and he seemed to have done the same.
"There is a growing colony on this planet but they have one problem – they are depending on one major supply route – a tunnel that leads through the mountains. Seems they pissed off the wrong people – no idea if it is the corp that founded the colony, or mercs, or pirates or even slavers – but point is that someone set up plenty of charges throughout the tunnel." While she was listening to him she had started to make her way down to the Normandy's lower decks.
"How many charges?" Shepard asked while she raised her hand and signaled Tali and Garrus, who sat in the mess, to suit up.
"It's hard to say but the tunnel is almost two miles long and there seems to be a charge every couple of yards. Shepard – if this thing blows, the entire tunnel will come down and even the mountain might get a massive dent." His lowered voice told her that it was as bad as it sounded.
"What's the plan?" She asked while she holstered her two pistols and the shotgun.
"We started to defuse them from the northern entrance of the tunnel but we simply don't have enough men to finish all of them. You should know that something set a timer in motion – I think we have about an hour left before the things blow to hell and we are not yet half-way through." He sounded stressed and that worried her.
"Joker, we'll prep the shuttle - get us close to the southern entrance." She barked the command at the pilot and the fact that he didn't come up with a witty retort tensed her up even more. What he said next explained at least why he seemed to be worried.
"Aye aye, Commander, but you will have to be careful. There is not much room between to land the shuttle or anything else," he answered and Shepard swiftly made her way down to the cargo bay, Garrus and Tali following her.
"We'll be careful. And Joker, while we are down there, scan for sources, try to figure out where it comes from or at least how much time we have, if we can expand it or even stop the countdown."
"Yes ma'am." Joker confirmed her order.
"We're on our way, Kaidan." She then said in a voice much softer than she had wanted it to be.
The trip in the shuttle seemed to last forever but eventually they landed at the southern entrance of the tunnel. Joker was right – there was just enough space for an experienced pilot to land the shuttle. On the way down, they discussed their course of action. All three of them knew enough about tech and bombs that they could work on their own and thus cover more territory. They entered the tunnel as team however, finding the first charge and examining it and disarming together. If the rest of the charges should be similar, they all knew what to do and so they started the race against time.
"We're in the tunnel and are splitting up. Tali and Garrus have already started on the first charges, I am heading deeper in." She informed Alenko over the com while she jogged further down, leaving quite a few charges to her remaining team members.
"It's good to have you here, Shepard." He told her and she couldn't help but grin foolishly.
"Glad I can help." She answered and though the words didn't sound like much, he knew her voice and he knew that she was glad that she could work with him again – even in a situation like this. From there on, they only exchanged information on their progress.
To defuse the charges was not difficult but to remove them from the wall to do so was time consuming. At some point Joker contacted them.
"We can't find the source of the signal – whoever set it up masked it well. That or it was a one-way road, meaning that once it is set off, it can't be stopped. I think it's the latter and that means that all charges you don't disarm will go off – there is no stopping it. Commander – be careful." Shepard rubbed a hand over her sweaty face. This was not what she had hoped for.
"Thanks for the update, Joker. How much longer do we have?" They had worked well and gotten quite a ways from the southern entrance.
"Approximately seventeen more minutes. You really need to hurry up down there." Shepard nodded though she knew he wouldn't see it. Instead she addressed the next set of explosives and removed it from the wall. She couldn't remember how many charges she had disarmed when she suddenly noticed a moving light further down in the tunnel. It seemed that she was getting closer to Alenko's team – a good sign.
"Tali, Garrus – what's your status?" she wanted to know.
"We have four more charges before we reach your first. How about you? Do you need help?" Tali wanted to know. Shepard gazed ahead. The time the other two would need to actually get here wouldn't be enough.
"Stay where you are. There will not be enough time for you to get here and disarm the charges." She cut another cable and let go of the now harmless explosives, running to the next. The light was getting brighter and at some point she could hear steps. It didn't take long and she could make out a familiar silhouette working on the charge next to her.
"If this goes wrong... I wanted to see you at least once more." Kaidan said as he quickly looked at her. Shepard had to smile.
"Still the romantic, are you? Glad that hasn't changed." She ran to him, pressed a kiss on his cheek and ran on to the next attachment on the wall. Even now that she felt the butterflies in her stomach, she knew she had to stay focused.
"You're on the third last." He cut the cable and passed her, his hand running over her back as he did.
"Four more minutes, Commander – finish up whatever you were doing and get the hell out of there." Joker hated situations like this. All he could was warn them... and that never tended to do much good. Both of them continued their work and Shepard eventually passed Kaidan one last time to defuse the last charge. In the meantime Kaidan commanded his team to fall back.
"One minute... Shepard and Alenko get out of there!" Joker screamed at them but neither one of them moved. A few moments later he cut the last cable and ran over to her.
"Shepard, start moving, you won't make it in time!" Kaidan yelled at her.
"Just one more moment... I almost have it." She responded while she continued to fiddle with the explosives.
"No, you don't. Oh for crying out loud!" he shouted before he grabbed her arm and started pulling her away.
"9...8...7..." Joker counted down and eventually she gave in and turned with Kaidan, starting to run towards the end of the tunnel. She didn't hear Joker anymore, just the blood pounding in her ears as Kaidan dragged her further away. There was only the sound of their feet on the ground and their panting and then there was a booming noise, followed by a silence and then a ringing in her ears. She dropped to her knees and held on to her head, trying to keep her composure somehow. But while she knelt there, she realized that she should have felt the blast. When she opened her eyes to look around, she saw the flickering of a biotic barrier. She tried to get an overview and realized that parts of the tunnel had come down behind her and even ahead of her parts of the wall had shifted and cables and rebars had broken out of the concrete. Then it struck her – she couldn't see him anywhere.
"Kaidan? KAIDAN!" she yelled and ice cold hand of dread got a grip on her heart. Almost instantly she panicked. She turned around again – fearing that he might have been hit by one of the parts that had come down but she couldn't see anything.
"KAIDAN!" she screamed his name again but he didn't answer. She got up on shaky legs and stumbled forward. Why was he not inside the barrier? She looked to all sides, calling his name over and over again. Only when she had made a few yards she noticed something and it sent shivers down her back. "Kaidan..." she no longer screamed but whispered.
He lay on the ground, ahead of her – but something was horribly wrong. The explosion had catapulted him backwards and he had landed on one of the broken rebar. She ran to him and threw herself down next to him. He was breathing rapidly, and every time there was a horrible rattle. His eyes were closed, his face twisted and small droplets of blood around his lips fed the horror inside of her. One of the broken rebar had plunged right through his body. She tried to estimate if it could have punctured his lungs. No... it was not close enough to the lungs but maybe the massive impact of the explosion had caused internal bleedings or broken ribs that had punctured his lungs. Underneath all the fear she felt her rational thinking rearing its head. She knew she wouldn't be able to move him. Her view shifted down his body again until the rested on the intruder. The bloody stump of the metal already implied what damage it had done to him. The armor had simply been given in – neither the material of it or nor the flesh underneath it had stood a chance – they had fallen without resistance. The metal on the other hand, was clinging tightly to its surroundings, embracing the flesh and its former armor, not offering a closer look but allowing some blood to squeeze past it. A slow, gruesome river of crimson trickled down his trembling side.
"No no no..." She ran her shaking hand over the side of his face; his skin cold and damp. For a moment she was able to think clearly again. "Anyone... we need a medic... now!"
"Commander – we noticed the explosion, what happened? Are you alright?" it was Joker's voice. A little anger flickered up in her.
"Joker – send in a medic or a team or whatever. Now!" she snarled. How could he ask if everything was alright when she had just asked for help? She left her hand on Kaidan's face, the other slowly moving down his torso, checking for more damage, until she felt him shiver, his eyes shooting open and his hand grasping hers.
"Don't," he panted, spraying more blood over his face. His eyes were locked with hers now. She wanted nothing more than to pull it out – to remove that intruding debris from his body but at the same time she knew he was right and that she could not. Instead she was forced to watch him suffer silently.
"Alright... I won't touch it." She ran her hand down his face again and she noticed his half closed eyes. "Why didn't you just stay with me?" She had to ask. If he had pulled her close, the barrier would have protected them both.
"No...not 'nough t-time," Was his response and Shepard could feel the stinging in her eyes.
"Then why for me? You could have saved yourself!" she stammered while the first tear ran down her cheek. She wasn't sure if it was supposed to be a laugh or a cough but Kaidan's body jerked up as far as it could while he coughed out more blood. Slowly the pained expression faded from his face and a weak, yet gentle smile took its place. He didn't answer – not in words but he didn't have to. She could see the answer in his warmth of his eyes, and that small smile. He had wanted to protect her – no matter the costs. Maybe it would have been enough time to get them both inside the barrier – maybe it would not have been. He didn't want to risk it.
"You fool," she whispered at him and another shudder ran through his body, he struggled to laugh – covering her hand and his face with more crimson.
"One hand...w-washes the...the other," he choked out. She stared at him. Of course she knew what he was talking about – she had saved his hide before but this is not what she wanted.
"And what am I supposed to do if you are not around?" She now rested her forehead on his, her right hand squeezing his. He didn't answer for a while and eventually she raised her head again. "Where is the fucking medic?" she yelled into the comm channel.
"On their way, Commander, they should be with you in a few," Kaidan grinned again – though it looked scary with the blood on his lips and teeth. It was a rare thing that she'd be impatient so quickly.
"Go..." he said in a low voice but she shook her head.
"I'm not leaving you behind – it's not happening." That stubborn ass was really trying to send her away.
"You can't do an-anything here. Go," he said while his hand squeezed hers. She shook her head again.
"I will not leave you here. I will wait for the medic and I'll be at your side, no matter what," She didn't want to leave him again. She had regretted that before and she wouldn't make the same mistake. She noticed his eyes moving a bit away from her and just a moment later she felt a hand on her shoulder. She pushed it away.
"You... have to...go. There are... asses t-to be kicked," He said when had returned to look at her again.
"They can wait. This time they will have to wait," She responded through the tears that were now running down in a constant little stream. He tried to shake his head and barely succeeded. "Yes, they will wait." She stopped him before he could continue to argue with her.
Halfheartedly she noticed Garrus and Tali kneeling down next to them but they seemed alien in this situation. They didn't belong here. They were intruding. Shepard was irritated by the orange light that suddenly lit up and she tried to figure out where it was coming from. Garrus was using his omnitool to get some readings from the broken body in front of him. She narrowed her eyes in displeasure but didn't say anything. She knew that they only tried to help but it still felt like an intrusion of their privacy. Once more it crossed her mind if she should say something but a pained groan from Kaidan returned her attention back to what really mattered.
"You can't...do any-anything. Get going..." he said again. She knew he meant it, knew that he didn't want her around in his condition. But she just couldn't get herself to oblige his wishes.
"I'll wait until the medic gets here. And I make sure that you get out of here ok – and that you get to the ship alright and," he shook his head ever so lightly again.
"You... you can stay 'til... the medic gets here...then – then you go." she couldn't believe that he was bargaining with her in this situation. She didn't want to leave and he didn't want her to stay... this seemed so familiar. She had to smile beneath her tears. His reaction was also so very typical – he would take a few steps down her way and then direct her a few steps down his own. They evened each other out – helped each other to find just the right path. That is probably why she couldn't deny him this wish and nodded in agreement.
The next minutes they didn't speak and Shepard had forgotten about those around her. His hand was still clutching at hers and she ran her thumb over his fingers. Her forehead was resting on his and she continued to whisper to him that he would be alright and that she wouldn't leave him alone. Every now and then she lifted her head to press a gently kiss on his face or to run her hand over his cheek or through his hair.
She didn't know how long she had been staying there with him – it could have been minutes or hours; the mixture of fear, sadness and the lingering hope in the back of her head numbed all other sensations. She didn't even realize that there was suddenly a hand on her shoulder again. She shrugged it off, not wanting anyone to disturb but this time the hand was persistent. It was heavier and tried to pull her away with gentle force. She shrugged again but there was no getting rid of it.
"They're here..." Kaidan mumbled and for the first time she focused on her surroundings again. There were more lights and voices; she recognized the dark blue Alliance uniforms and she even noticed the insignia on the medic.
"Ma'am, we got it from here. Please, you have to make some room so we can work," one of them said with a calm voice. She knew he was right, of course, but it was impossible to move away. "Ma'am, you have to move," he said again and was trying to direct her somewhere else. He only succeeded when Kaidan opened his fingers around Shepard's hand, breaking one of the chains that had bound her to him.
"You promised,." he reminded her when she knelt down next to his head again.
"Yes, I did. I'll just want to make sure... that's all."She paused for a moment before she added, "Don't make me leave just yet." She was suffering on a different level than he was, but she was suffering no less. He knew it and so he tried to give her a crooked grin.
"Only... 'til they move me." Suddenly he looked passed her,"Garrus... you h-heard that. Take her... away when I-I'm 'bout to be moved."
The Turian was still standing behind Shepard when he answered. "I promise, my friend. But after that you'll owe me one." Kaidan coughed up more blood as he laughed. Despite the seriousness of the situation it felt familiar – something Shepard could cherish and something that took her mind off of the medics talking. She didn't want to hear how much damage had been done – she was scared to hear it. Instead she noticed their movements out of the corner of her eyes, how they stabilized the rebar and how they scanned his torso for wounds, as well as checking his vitals. She heard the well known sound of injections being administered.
"Commander Alenko, we gave you something to numb the pain before we'll cut the rebar. It will only take a few minutes and should you feel any pain while we work, let us know." A single nod from Kaidan showed them that he had heard them.
"Go," he directed at Shepard but she shook her head. "I want you t-to go. I don't w-want you to see it." Within the low voice of his was determination. He hadn't minded her presence until now, but there was a line he didn't want her to cross. "Go – Sen, go and kick some ass for me."
She couldn't keep the tears back anymore, they rushed down her face and wouldn't stop no matter what she tried. When she saw the pleading in his eyes, she finally nodded. She leaned to his face kissed him on each cheek, on the forehead and once on the lips. She formed the words with her lips but she couldn't speak them out aloud but it was enough for him. He smiled knowingly.
"C'mon Shepard," Garrus' voice made it into her consciousness. "We should honor his wish." She felt the heavy hand of the Turian on her shoulder and saw Kaidan nod slowly.
"I'll come back for you!" She whispered to him before Garrus slowly pulled her up onto her feet. "I'll come back." She told him again before she was dragged away from him. She didn't turn away from him but took one step after another away from him, led by the firm hold of Garrus. Then suddenly, she couldn't see him anymore – only the backs of blue uniforms.
"Joker, we're on our way out." Tali informed the pilot.
"Is she all right?" he wanted to know. He knew he wouldn't get an answer from Shepard but at least Tali could maybe give him a hint.
"Physically yes – maybe some minor traumas." The Quarian remained respectful, not discussing too much of the matter while Shepard was present. There were no more discussions on their way out, Shepard turned back looking at the dimming lights in the tunnel every now and then before Garrus and Tali directed her back to the exit. Even when they sat in the shuttle and made their way back to their ship, she didn't say anything. She was too weak to resist being brought to medbay, too tired to argue when the doctor scanned her for injuries, too busy with her thoughts to notice that she had a cracked rib and twisted ankle and that she had been incredible lucky. When there was nothing holding her anymore, she made her way to her cabin, struggled out of the armor and fell onto the bed. A few moments later she had wrapped the blanket around her closely and stared at the wall. She hadn't listened to the doctor telling her that she would receive a sedative to get some sleep but when she felt drifting into sleep, she was praying that she would not dream.
She rushed up, her stomach revolting on her. With sweat and tears running down her face she jumped up and out of bed and then she realized she had no idea where she was. This wasn't the barracks, this wasn't the Normandy... damn where was the bathroom? She looked around, found a door and then she suddenly knew where she was – the hotel room on Omega. She didn't think much further but ran into the bathroom just in time. Her body heaved as she threw up.
When her insides calmed down a bit, she dragged in a deep breath and pushed herself onto her feet before she headed to the sink and cleaned herself up. The face in the mirror seemed to resemble herself very little – she looked horrible. Her eyes and nose were swollen and her face red; she probably had been crying ever since it started. After she had rinsed her mouth a few times and had splashed cold water into her face, she made her way back to the bed. And even after she had rested her head on the pillow again and had pulled the blanket up, she could feel her heart racing. Her subconscious had perfectly merged her two greatest regrets of her life into a single dream.
Her father had had the tendency to invite some of his soldiers every now and then. When she had asked him, he told her it was a family tradition that he wanted to preserve. Even on Earth, a lot of the soldiers had been stationed very far away from their homes and families and it could get a bit lonely. And so, whenever a soldier had impressed him in some way, he would eventually invite him or her to a BBQ or dinner. Sometimes he would even inform his family a day before a holiday that he would bring home some guests. She had liked it – it always made the holidays exciting.
She had been just about twenty when her father had once again invited one of his soldiers over. Sergeant Timothy Key had impressed her father enough to be invited to a family BBQ after just a few months in his unit. It was nothing new for her to see unfamiliar faces at her home but she had been struck when she had seen him. She remembered exactly the shade of his strawberry-blond hair and the pale blue of his eye. But above all she remembered his laugh: it was contagious and clear as a bell. He had been a tech specialist and it was due to him that she had taken an interest in it herself. She would have never admitted it but she had applied for the tech branch because she knew he would be around. Of course it had been foolish but somehow, everything had worked out. After a while, she had really found a great liking in her job but Tim had been the the initial motivation. Even though they had not been in the same unit, they had had plenty of situations where they had worked together and it hadn't taken much time for them to become close.
He was open minded and had a great sense of humor. No matter the situation he always found the right words and he was able to encourage her to keep going. And if things turned out worse than she wanted, he could always think of some stupid joke to cheer her up.
They had been a couple not long after they had first met and it felt right. She had to smile when she remembered one of missions. Their units had been part of an escort for a large supply-transporter to a newly found colony. Just before they had boarded their ship, he had quickly taken her aside from the others. "If we survive this and I follow you home... will you keep me?" he had whispered in her ear.
She hadn't been able to help it and giggle. It was such an old line but she couldn't deny that she had found it absolutely adorable. "Only if you wear a collar and don't pee on the carpet." She had responded before she had given him a quick kiss.
"I promise" he had answered and dragging her a bit further into the shadows and kissed her thoroughly. "We should probably get going." he sighed and she nodded, feeling the disappointment as he did.
She had kept him for almost two years – and she probably would have kept him even longer if things had been different – if that colony had not pissed off those forsaken smugglers. It would have turned out differently if she had been faster at disarming that bomb – if she had listened to him and had started running when he had told her to. If she had been better – he would not have had to protect her; he would have had time to get her close enough so the barrier would had protected both of them. She had never forgiven herself for failing him – she had never forgiven herself that he had sacrificed himself for her. Timothy had died two days after the explosion.
She sighed deeply. He had been her first love and after he had died because of her – she had closed herself off – not letting any man become more than friend. She kept the sorrow close and it had become her own morbid inspiration to become better. It had served her well until a year and a half later.
For the first time ever, she was wondering if it had been better for Tim to die when he did – at least he was spared the massacre on Akuze.
She rubbed her face intensely. Shepard believed that everything in the past had an influence on the present. The things she had experienced had made her into the woman she was. Tim's death had caused her to be more cautious. It had also taught her that a life could end at any moment. He was the reason why she didn't want her crew to have any regrets and she did her best to help them with that.
It had been a long time since she had thought about Tim like this – but she had never forgotten him. The things she had learned from him and his death had become a part of her – something of the past that continued to exist in the present.
And so life had continued for her. She kept contact with her parents and she was filled with joy when they had told her how proud they were that she had gotten promoted. She had made a few friends, and had improved her skills. And every day she had promised herself and those she had lost that she would continue to polish her skills and that she would do everything in her power to never let anything like it happen again. She had done so after the tunnel and she had done so after Akuze.
And then came the assignment to the Normandy. It had been another major change in her life, just like becoming a Spectre. But all the military honors and challenges had been nothing compared to meeting Kaidan Alenko. He had captured her with his calm demeanor and cunning wits. Deep inside she had been unable to deny the growing wish for something beyond friendship. She had been longing for an emotional bond and she had found it in her former L.T. He was so different from what she had known and yet he felt so right. It had started slowly with a few talks and briefings and it felt good to her. And then before she knew it, she had started to go and see him at his work station whenever she had something on her mind. All of that had given her time to adjust to the reawakened feelings and from what she could tell, he was grateful for the slow pace as well.
Of course there had been doubts – should she even try? What about fraternization? And finally she had reminded herself of something: no regrets. She was always trying to help others find their peace – why should she not try to find her own?
Shepard sighed again. It had been so good for as long as it lasted – she had felt alive and safe with him and he had given her the strength that she had needed to go on.
At the moment, the thing she was missing the most was to just have him at her side. Someone that would speak his mind, try to understand her decisions, argue with her if necessary, but also someone that caught her when she fell. Someone who gave her hope when she despaired. He had done all those things just by being at her side and then... it was all gone again. She had lost him and Shepard had realized that losing him to doubts, distrust and hatred was much worse than losing him to death.
She turned onto her side and snuggled close to the blanket. Her two greatest regrets: the one man she couldn't save and the other she couldn't keep.
