Kissing Tommy.

This, I was used to. This, I had done plenty of time previous.

This, was going to end our friendship by making it crazily awkward or crazily sex enraged.

But as he looped his arms around my waist, hanging off of me, it didn't matter. I sat on my makeup counter, lying down and disregarding the eyeliners and eye shadows smashing into my back. He pushed my jacket off my shoulders, wrapping his slim fingers around my neck.

I knew I should stop this. I had to. I would only hurt him.

Make it stop, I thought to myself, only to deepen the kiss. It was like I could feel him praying I wouldn't push him away.

So, as I sat up, breaking the kiss, he whimpered. "Please don't." He sounded like a child, with his parents threatening to break his favorite toy in front of him. "Don't, Adam. Please. Don't." He rambled as I stared at my feet.

He placed his hands on my cheeks and I shook my head. "No, Tommy. That can't-"

"Please don't!"

"I-"

"Don't fucking make excuses. You kissed me."

"You kissed me."

"Don't fucking do this!" He screamed.

I could hear the tears in his voice. "You aren't ready for this."

"You have no idea what I'm ready for, Adam!"

"I'm not willing to put your feelings in front of mine."

"I am. I want this. I want you. I want you and I. I want to be yours, and kiss you whenever I want, and love you. That's it. I'm not asking you to die for me."

Might as well be, I muttered in my head. "Why can't you see this from where I stand?"

"Because where you stand shouldn't exist. You should just want this."

"I do want this." I took my chances and looked up at his face.

His face was streaked with black tears, his hair covering his eye. He was staring at me. "Why are you so afraid of hurting me?" He asked.

"You're too important for me to lose. If I make you angry enough, or sad enough, or if I scare you, you'll leave. If you leave, I'll drive myself insane. I'd rather you hate me for not having sex with you than hate me for doing something when I knew you weren't ready." I told him.

He kissed my forehead. "I wish you would trust me on this one thing. The one thing I know in life, Adam, is that I want to be with you. Whatever that entails. You're the one who isn't ready for this. Don't blame me, don't say I'm at fault. Man up and admit that you're afraid of me hurting you." He demanded.

"I'm afraid you'll hurt me." He nodded at this.

"I won't." He muttered. "I couldn't if I tried. And believe me, I have tried. But I can't hurt you. I refuse to let myself." He told me. I felt tears in my eyes, staring at my knees.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For fucking with your head. For telling you things I shouldn't have. For not allowing myself to just be with you. I'm sorry." I murmured.

Tommy's blonde head shook, but he didn't say anything about my apology. "I'll see you in a few hours. Just...can you promise me something?" I nodded. "Promise me you won't give up on this. That you'll try." I leaned up, my lips brushing with his lightly.

"I promise." I stated. His lips curved, pressing tighter to mine.

Then he left, closing my door quietly. I took a deep breath, trying to clear my head. I stood up, looking down at my makeup table. On it were smears of brown and black eyeliners, as well as rainbow shades of eyeshadow. I sighed.

I didn't know what I was going to do, honestly. I was terrified. Of hurting, of being hurt, of being alone because I'd no doubt lose him. I hated feeling this afraid of just doing something. I didn't know why I did this to myself all the time. I deserved to be happy.

But Tommy deserved to be happy, too. And despite his statement, I was still afraid of hurting him. I took another deep breath.

My mind flipped back to kissing Tommy. I grinned. No matter how many complications it projected, I loved having his lips on mine. The taste of his mouth, the feeling of his long fingers threading into my hair. His fists around my jacket in need. The lust and heat of the moment, the want of so much me.

So why was I being so stubborn about this? Why couldn't I just let myself be happy? I wanted him. I wanted him to make me smile. I wanted his pros and I wanted his cons. I wanted all of him, always.

Get it through your thick skull, Lambert, you'll just end up losing him. I bitterly stated in my head. Maybe, though, maybe the temporary happiness would make that livable.

I'd lose my own argument eventually.

I sighed, sitting down in front of my mirror and selecting my unbroken makeup. I needed to be calm. I needed to think about this in a rational matter.

You need Tommy. I smiled at the thought of this.