This chapter contains more Kanan and Ezra angst and also lots and lots of hugs and fluff, plus lots of talking.
Happy Easter everyone
Ezra lost track at how long the two of them knelt in the dirt and rocks within the cavern walls. Because all he could focus on, all he wanted to focus on was the bond that was now frantically repairing itself between him and Kanan. It started off with a sudden jolt, like someone had started up an old ship that hadn't been use in a while, then the strong thread that had been connecting the two of them, the one that had been damaged but not completely severed was now formed and creating new threads, meticulously and carefully wrapping around the damaged one, making it stronger and more durable. Healing it, but not fully repairing it.
And when it was done, Ezra found himself crying out in relief because finally after six months of isolation, from hearing nothing but static, he was finally connected to Kanan again, finally he was hearing his master's thoughts and emotions. But despite his happiness, Ezra couldn't help but feel sad for Kanan, he knew that he was having a hard time dealing with the events of Malachor and he knew that Kanan was too a certain extent, but the reasons he thought were completely false to the reality.
Because here he thought Kanan blamed Ezra for the events of Malachor, but truly Kanan blamed himself. Kanan spent the last six months, thinking that everything was his fault. He felt so guilty that he distance himself from everyone. Within their newly renewed bond Ezra was able to feel his Master's utter love and affection for him, he felt the guilt that Kanan harbored within his very soul at discovering that Ezra was blind. Kanan loved him, truly and the only time he ever remembered that type of utter love was from Ephraim Bridger, for the first seven years of his life, he could sense Ephraim's love for him before he and Mira were taken away by the Empire.
Kanan's was exactly like that, only because of their Force Linked bond, it was deeper then that. And truly, Ezra didn't know if he deserved it. From either of them.
But among all of the affection, Ezra could also sense that Kanan's self loathing ran a bit more then his guilt because of Malachor, the way that his master babbled as he desperately embraced him. Ezra could tell that those words, the ghosts, the old wounds of self loathing ran deeper, it was as if Malachor was simply just the top of this huge mountain of shame, and the rest were all the years of self disgust that was crushing Kanan under the weight of it all.
And because of such, Ezra hugged Kanan all the harder because he didn't like seeing his father so broken, so shattered. It hurt to see it and by all of Ezra's power he was get rid of the demons plaguing Kanan's heart and mind, because he cared about Kanan too much to lose him, especially since everything feels more hopeful now.
As the tears became silent, both of them reluctantly pulled away, Kanan giving him one squeeze before letting go and immediately Ezra could feel a difference in temperature. "Is it nighttime?" He asked curiously, his voice hoarse from crying.
"Not quite, but it is getting there." Kanan answered, Ezra could hear the equal raspy tone in Kanan's voice too, "We should probably finish the task Bendu gave us."
"Okay." Ezra nodded, pushing himself to his feet. One hand leaning on the wall and the other Kanan grasped to aid him.
"I didn't ask before, but... are you okay?" Kanan's voice and his signature held concern for him.
Ezra smiled, feeling happy that he and his Master were finally talking again. "Nothing feels broken, I think I'm okay."
He felt relief wash over him, and he realized that it was from Kanan. "Good. I'm glad." Kanan paused for a few minutes and Ezra heard the sound of shuffling feet, like Kanan was trying to figure out where to go. "I think we got a bit turned around. Where do you think the center of this cavern is?" Ezra let out a low hum to himself, as he crossed his arms and tried to think of a response. Then he remembered Bendu's words about seeing things differently, he remembered Chirrut's words about broadening his surroundings, about not limiting his location and destination with by just what he could touch.
Then a low buzzing in his ear made him blink several times in shock. Everything is connected... A voice suddenly said within his mind, it whispered to him softly, as if this was some suggest, a hint of some kind. Ezra decided then, to put what he was taught into use. Closing his eyes, he focused. He opened himself up completely, feeling no fear or anger as he had before, he just let go and in doing Ezra was suddenly jerked downwards like had made the floor disappear, and something grabbed his feet and yanked him down, then he was being pulled somewhere, lead somewhere. He felt like he was a bolt of lightning, getting ready to strike the ground. Then everything came to a screeching halt as an image within his mind flashed of a location.
"—ra! H—!" A muffled voice suddenly interrupted everything and all at once he was being snapped back, propelled back hitting something solid, the force of the knock back was enough to feel Ezra dizzy, he felt breathless and confused, his head pounding. "Ezra! Kiddo, snap out of it!"
"Ka-Kanan..." He gasped out, as he tried to get air into his lungs. he realized then that he was shaking, and he gripped at his Master's elbows for support.
"Hey, it's okay. I gotcha, kiddo." Kanan's voice was a mix of confusion, panic and affection as he held on to Ezra's shoulders. Simultaneously, sending Ezra warmth and comfort through their bond to try and help calm him down. After three whole minutes, Ezra's heart rate and breathing were finally back to normal. He sighed feeling exhausted once again, but really didn't want to fall asleep in a dingy cave again, so he fought to stay awake.
Among this, he felt Kanan concern yet again. "Ezra." He felt Kanan grip his shoulder, giving them a little squeeze. "What happened? You suddenly just got quiet, you were in some kind of trance and I couldn't get you out of it, you really scared me, kiddo."
"I'm sorry." Ezra apologized, feeling bad that he caused Kanan to worry so much. "I know where we need to go."
"How?"
Ezra swallowed the sudden lump in his throat, trying to figure out what exactly to say to Kanan that doesn't make him sound crazy. "What happened to me, I opened myself up completely, and I think because of my blindness I was able to expand my surroundings like Chirrut taught me because I was able to find the place we need to go."
A flash of surprised and awe radiated from Kanan's side of their bond. "Really? That's... amazing." Kanan said his voice held a tone of wonder. "Well, where to?"
Focusing again, Ezra recalled the path they needed to take. "We take the path on the right, first." He answered, as Kanan let go of his shoulders and both of them straightened up.
"Alright, let's go." Kanan confirmed and Ezra felt him starting to walk away.
Ezra followed suit quickly, as an urge overtook him, he couldn't explain it, but he had this urge to hold onto Kanan, as if he was afraid he was going to disappear even though his master was standing right next to him. Acting on his impulse, Ezra reached out his hand and grasped at Kanan's wrist, feeling relief wash over him as his fingers enclosed around it. What's wrong with me? He thought, feeling slightly annoyed with himself, he was never usually this clingy. Well not this clingy, anyway.
Ezra could practically see Kanan's face of confusion as the older male stopped in his tracks and he felt his master's eyes on him. "Sorry, I'm sorry. I don't know why..." He couldn't help but say as his fingers tightened all the more, feeling confused and frustrated all at the same time.
Kanan's signature then seemed to wrap him in a blanket of affection. "It's alright, kiddo." Kanan's voice was as gentle and reassuring as ever. Ezra felt Kanan pry his fingers lose from his wrist, panic set in, a sudden lump formed in his throat... only for it to quickly disperse as Kanan's arm wrapped around his shoulder, pulling him close, before he willed them both to start walking again.
Ezra leaned into Kanan's side and smiled.
A thought occurred to him. "You haven't called me 'kiddo' in a long time."
Kanan let out a chuckle, "You're right, but that's because you asked me not too."
Which was true, he had asked Kanan to stop calling him that nickname a whole month after they rescued Kanan from the Tarkin's ship. Back then, his reasoning had been because he thought he had gained too much experience and had gone through too much to be call a kid anymore. So he had asked Kanan and everyone else to stop, and they did— well expect for Zeb. Looking back on it now, Ezra actually missed it. "This maybe because I'm overly emotional for some reason but I wouldn't be against you calling me that again."
A squeeze on Ezra's shoulders was his only answer before silence fell between them, nothing but the quiet as he listened to Kanan's breathing as he lead them towards their location. Unlike last time, where the silence was awkward and filled with tension, this was much like before when everything had been simple. And Ezra couldn't help but feel happy, because those awkward silences were deafening and they had hurt his heart, he was glad that they were over with, at least he hoped so.
After a few more minutes, Kanan broke the silence. "Ezra?" Using his name in the form of a question.
"Yeah?" He could feel his Master's hesitation, like he didn't know exactly how to asked or word what exactly he wanted to ask.
"You said that Chirrut taught you how to expand your surroundings, right?"
He really didn't know where this was going but Ezra nodded regardless. "Yeah, that and a few others things. Having confidence in myself, listening, waiting, and feeling the vibration's in the ground to know where things and people are." He explained as he adjusted himself in Kanan's hold a bit more to where he was able to take a left turn down one of the pathways. "Why?"
"No reason, it's just I look at you, I see how far you've come and see the amazing things you've done without your vision and I can't help but be proud of that, and think that Chirrut is great teacher." Kanan's words were suppose to be a genuine compliment, Ezra could sense, they were meant to show how much Kanan's views him as strong and capable, whereas he hadn't before. But Ezra could sense the undertones in that comment, the hidden meaning behind the words. And they reminded him of a phrase Kanan also used back when they had wrongfully thought Master Luminara was thought to be alive.
"In fact she'd make the perfect teacher for you."
Back then Kanan had meant well, as he had said that he only wanted Ezra to have the best teacher. And now that he was thinking about it, the emotions Ezra felt through their renewed bond, the self loathing and all the doubt, also was most likely the reason Kanan had done that in the beginning. Because he didn't believe he was good enough to teach Ezra the ways of the Force.
And though the words his master was saying now weren't exactly like before. Ezra could feel the concealed message. And he didn't like what Kanan was implying, he didn't like it back then and more so now, not when their relationship had already started to heal. Because while Ezra had once said that Chirrut had been there for him when Kanan wasn't in those dark and lonely six months, that Chirrut was more of a Master then Kanan had been, Ezra realized now that he had said those words out of anger and abandonment. But he hadn't meant them, he hadn't. And the thought of Kanan resigning as his master, felt like he was also resigning as his parent, and that absolutely scared him. Because there was only one person he wanted to be his Master. And he needed to say it now before Kanan's doubt and guilt got in the way like it had before. So planting his feet on the ground, Ezra abruptly stopped in his tracks, which made Kanan stop as well.
"Ezra?" Kanan sounded confused as Ezra listened to feet shifting on the ground, felt the vibrations as Kanan moved. Through their bond Ezra deliberately sent Kanan waves of emotions, trying to fully get his attention. And it worked almost immediately. "What's wrong?"
Ezra opened his mouth to speak, but then realized that he honestly didn't know how to start this conversation. "I... Kanan?" He paused for a few seconds to pressure his lips together in thought. "Chirrut, did teach me a lot while you were...gone, he taught me to live with my blindness. And he did help me feel less... lonely. The fact that he understood what I was feeling to an extent." Kanan's guilt and self doubt spiked with his words. "But Chirrut once told me that there was a difference between teaching someone and being their Master. That he was merely a friend that would guide me, that would show me sympathy and not pity me. Chirrut isn't my Master, Kanan. And I don't want him to be."
In his minds eye he could practically see Kanan hanging his head, as he did often when he was emotionally drained. "But... he knows you more... your disability, he knows how to fight and would be able to teach you how with your lightsaber— And I can't teach you... not like the way I have in the past. I may push you too hard, I don't want to make things more difficult for you."
"I told you this before, I don't want someone else to be my Master, I want you to be." Ezra felt his emotions getting the better of him again and he found himself moving and simply placing his forehead on Kanan's chest and he tried to send the man as much love and admiration through their bond as he could. Honestly, what was wrong with him? "Please." He couldn't hold back the desperation in his voice as he stood there and clung to Kanan like a frightened child, his heart pounding in his ears as he waited for the older man's response.
He sagged in utter relief when he felt himself being wrapped in a warm, protective embrace as Kanan encircled his arms around Ezra's skinny form, holding him tight. "I'll— I'll do my best."
It wasn't a definite yes, he could still feel Kanan's doubt and a tad bit of nervousness. But he also felt acceptance and determination, the desire of being the Master that Ezra saw in him. And that at least, was a start. "You're best is enough, Kanan." Simultaneously, they both gave each other one final squeeze before reluctantly letting go.
"Where to next?" Kanan asked a few minutes later after they resumed their walking, his hand on Ezra's shoulder.
"Actually." Ezra said closing his eyes as he focused and remembered the path the Force showed him. "I think we're—"
"Here?" His master finished, coming to a complete stop. Keeping his eyes closed, he listened and waited.
And Kanan was right, they had arrived at the center of the caverns. "It's about time." Ezra couldn't help but joke with a smile on his face. The two of them had gone through so much in the last three hours, but they had finally made it.
Kanan laughed "You can say that again."
Ezra smiled even wider, feeling slightly cheeky. "Alright. It's—"
"Oh stop." Kanan snickered, playfully nudging Ezra's shoulder. Ezra listened to Kanan's footsteps as they moved forward, he felt the energy of the Sith Holocron as his master pulled it out of his back pocket. He waited and waited for Kanan to put the Holocron on the big stone Ezra sensed was there, then three seconds later he felt vibrations in the ground. Several crawlers were coming towards them in a different directions.
"Ezra." Kanan said his voice, alert and ready to fight as he ran towards him and placed his hand on his shoulder.
"It's okay. Our conflict is gone, they won't attack us unless we do." Ezra stated as he held up his hand and motioned for Kanan to join him. One by one the spiders moved out of their way, giving them a clear path back outside. Taking a moment, he looked back and felt a mesh of crawlers crowding around the Holocron. It was as if they were, worshiping it or guarding it more like.
A pat between his shoulder blade caused him to look up, look at Kanan. "I think I've had my fill of dark caves for a while."
Ezra's sign of exhaustion turned into a soft chuckle. "Yeah. Let's get out of here."
I originally wasn't going to post this today, since it is in fact Easter Sunday and usually when I post chapters or one-shots on Holidays they don't tend to do well in the reading or reviews department, naturally so seeing as people are spending time with family and thats 100000% understandable. But I've been really excited for this chapter and I actually really like this one, so I was impatient and thought "Screw it, people will review it on their own time". And thus here it is, think of this as an Easter present.
If Kanan and Ezra seemed a little clingier then usual this chapter it's because there is a reason for it. See what I've always loved about this AU when I first heard about it and more so when I started to write for it was the fact that that once Kanan and Ezra fixed their damaged bond they would be somewhat touch starved. They just had to go through their bond being repaired and as I described in Kanan's chapter, it was very painful for them both. Their bond itself is very sensitive right now, which in turn makes them sensitive and also emotional.
Anywoo, thoughts? Feedback is always welcomed and appreciated. I'd love to hear them if you all get the chance today. And if all goes well, the next chapter will possibly be the end.
