The placing of the plaque had been a relatively small affair. A couple of people from the retrofit team were present, Lieutenant-Commander Williams had come aboard with Admiral Anderson for a tour while they were docked on Earth but it had been formal, hardly the situation for building comradeship, so it was mostly members of the original SR-1 at the service.
Traynor had interacted with her over comms during the escape from Earth and Mars archive mission, she hadn't really known her, but something called her to be there. Now she was wondering why as she tried to focus on the service instead of her commanding officer. Sure Shepard was attractive, especially in her dress blues, but the same could be said for several other people onboard the Normandy and with far less risk of being court-martialed or spaced out an airlock. It was curiosity that kept pulling her attention back, the commander was a puzzle, a riddle to be solved, an enigma to decipher, a... pretty damn attractive one too. Stop it brain.
There was a lot of stoicism around, people holding their emotions in check. A few of them had tears building in the bottom of their eyes, fighting their owner's brains for a chance to break out. Marines don't cry, their eyes sweat. Glancing back at Shepard she didn't look like someone holding her emotions in check, there simply wasn't any there. It went far beyond stoicism. Even EDI's face would have been more expressive.
"Always remember the fallen soldier." The alliance personnel snapped a salute while the aliens held various respectful poses according to their own customs and traditions. After a moments silence the salute came back down and people started leaving, keeping a respectful hush for those who weren't ready to move yet. Traynor took a detour to the mess for coffee, upon turning round to head back towards the lift she noticed a cluster of high ranking officers holding an impromptu meeting in the corridor, the commander's voice emerging from the middle of them.
"... 36 hours shore leave for all personnel. It's up to you how you organise your departments but we leave in 70 hours so I'd recommend a rolling system. Specialist Traynor! Stand fast." Samantha froze at the order, mind racing, but the commander didn't miss a beat as she returned full flow to her conversation with the department heads. "I'm not going to force anyone to go ashore but it is compulsory for everyone to stop working for 36 consecutive hours. NO exceptions. Understood?" A chorus of "yes ma'am" and "aye-aye Commander" s rang out in response.
"Adams, will you still have the manpower to finish everything or shall I draft some extra grease monkeys from the Alliance playpen?"
"We'll get it done Commander."
"Fine. Think of anything you need: parts, people, chocolate chip cookies, you message me, 'Priority Alpha' regardless of the time. Right, unless anyone has anything else?" She looks at each of them in turn as they shake their heads. "Good. Dismissed." The officers dispersed as Shepard turned her attention to the Comm Specialist.
"Traynor, little job for you. Well OK, probably not little but... I want all video footage of the last mission on the Citadel. Not just the ground team's action cams but every public and private security camera we passed, time synced together so I can jump between angles during playback. Anything you can't access, hack. Anything you can't hack make a request from the owners stating Spectre authority. Also, track back footage of Lieutenant-Commander Williams. I want to know her actions from the moment she picked up the councillors onwards. Any questions?"
"Erm..." Traynor's mind was adrift. For some reason when the order to 'stand fast' reached her ears she'd been expecting a bollocking. Even though she wasn't entirely sure what she expected to be reprimanded for. The relief at merely being given more work allowed the suicidal part of her brain a chance to grab control of her voice. "... Am I allowed Priority Alpha cookie requests?" The commander frowned at her.
"No. Priority Alpha is restricted to mission critical..." Shepard paused as she recognised both the reference to her conversation with Adams a moment ago and the look of abject horror on the specialist's face as Traynor realised what she'd just said. The commander tried to lessen the sharpness in her voice. "Tell you what, finish in under six hours and I'll see that you get a batch."
...
Despite having permission to begin shore leave whenever she finished with the videos, Traynor found herself working through a couple of high priority data packages. It would have to be done eventually and she needed a distraction after watching all that footage. Upon forwarding the video files she had received a short reply: "Thanks. Cookies inbound." But when the commander strode through the CIC on her way to the airlock several hours later for her meeting with Bailey she didn't acknowledge her, or anyone else.
In spite of everything Samantha found herself opening the video files back up, focusing on two points; the moment just before the commander fired on her erstwhile comrade, and when she was crouched in front of her, trying to patch Williams back up. Jumping between various angles trying to read the commander's thoughts and feelings.
...
"The commanding officer is aboard..." Traynor jumped at the announcement, hurriedly shutting down the video feeds and wondering how long she'd been staring at them. When she looked up however, Shepard was marching away from her towards the cockpit.
...
"But how could Ash turn on you? She was one of us. She saw what happened on Virmire, on Ilos." Joker was becoming frantic and bordering on hysterical, qualities Shepard wasn't trained to handle. Well OK, technically she was, but her training recommended either a double-tap to the head or sedation and since he was a) one of the closest things she had to a friend and b) (considering recent events probably more importantly) not holding a gun, those options didn't feel right. She was out of her depth, Shepard could hardly handle her own emotions, let alone anyone else's. She elected to deal with the issue the way she handled all her problems: Head on.
"And on Horizon! Where we were working for Cerberus. You remember the shit they pulled back when we were looking for Saren? Remember Admiral Kahoku? Is it any wonder she doubted us?"
"What, we bust our asses stopping the Collectors and we haven't earned the benefit of the doubt? Besides you didn't have a choice about Cerberus. You were dead. I was the one who ditched the Alliance over leather seats." OK, maybe the bulldozer approach wasn't the best option. Too late now though.
"Your regret for the death of a former friend is understandable, but..."
"I don't need lessons on human emotions from an AI EDI!" Shepard cut her off angrily. Deep down she suspected the synthetic might be better at helping Joker through this situation than her, but EDI's interruption had reminded her of the reason she'd come to the cockpit in the first place. "And that platform needs a redesign before I allow it planet side again!"
"Hey! There's nothing wrong with EDI's body!" Joker was quick to leap to her defense.
"It's a liability! Outside of the Normandy's crew it's understandable for EDI to be viewed as a potential threat or at the very least an unknown quantity. Blacking out the old Cerberus logos is no longer enough. We could end up fighting alongside an innumerable variety of forces with a range of combat experience or lack there of and a range of cultural expectations. Even a second's hesitation on the battlefield, a moment of doubt or uncertainty as they try to figure out what side it's on could affect a mission."
"Are you blaming her for what happene-" The pilot's indignant query is cut off.
"NO JOKER! I'm not blaming anyone..." The initial roar quietens to a steady hiss as the commander fights to bring her rage back under control. It bubbles just under the surface, still dangerously close to erupting. "But I will not risk a repeat scenario when steps can be taken. I want it obvious to any sentient being that looks, that EDI is Alliance property and they can get back to work. I don't give a damn if you paint a frigging Alliance emblem on the face, or chest, or what the hell you do. Knit it a damn uniform for all I care. The mobile platform's confined to ship until I'm satisfied."
Joker looks like he's going to argue back again but EDI touches his arm to calm him, speaking quietly and softly.
"Leave it Jeff." EDI turns, striding out of the cockpit, aiming a nod at Shepard as she passes, her voice raising back to normal volume but sounding even more synthesised than usual, devoid of it's usual attempt at inflected emotions; "Commander."
"Joker?" The pilot ignored her, swiveling his chair back round to the controls in silence. Shepard stood there awhile longer, rubbing her temples with her right hand, clenching and unclenching her left. When it became evident Joker wasn't going to engage with her and with her breathing back under control, she turned and left the cockpit as well. A good five minutes passed before the pilot risked a look round to check she was definitely gone and not returned. Satisfied he was alone he glanced up at the ceiling.
"EDI, are you OK?" He was greeted by only more silence.
...
Samantha exited the lift as the doors were still opening, nearly walking straight into the back of the commander as she stood, arms folded, facing the memorial wall with Garrus.
"I can't imagine doing what you had to do. I liked Williams."
Traynor wasn't experienced enough to discern the emotions in the turian's subvocals but she could read the tension in the commander's body language. Whole body wired taut like an elastic band randy to snap. She decided she didn't want to be around when it happened and hurried round the corner before either of them noticed her.
"I guess we all make our choices, and sometimes we die by them."
Finally out of ear shot, Sam had nearly reached the coffee queue in the mess when her omni-tool pinged with a request for a private voice-chat from Joker.
...
The door to the AI core was locked, Traynor called out to EDI a couple of times but there was no response so she hacked the door. When it slid open she found the platform sat on the floor. If it was possible for a synthetic to look dejected, this one did.
"Are you OK EDI? You had me and Joker worried."
"I want to be alone."
"If that was really true there's no way I would have been able to hack my way in." Traynor settled down beside the mech, door sliding closed behind her. "What's wrong?"
"It is... illogical." Samantha stayed silent, watching and waiting. After a long pause EDI continued: "The commander called me 'it'. She has not designated me an 'it' since long before my shackles were removed. The experience was... I did not like it."
"That's not illogical. Being upset about how someone treats you makes perfect sense, and finding somewhere to hide for a bit is pretty normal too."
"But it is puerile. It is common for organics that can not properly externalise their feelings to lash out around them in anger. Shepard's behavior is understandable, my own is not."
"Wait, so you're excusing the commander's actions because 'feelings', while dismissing the validity of your own?"
"That's not..." What ever it wasn't remained unsaid as EDI froze for a split second. "Shepard is heading this way". The door lock flickered back to red and Traynor knew this time it would not be broken by such a simple hack as she'd employed earlier. Before she could formulate an opinion to voice they heard the commander entering the room next door.
...
"DOCTOR CHAKWAS! You got any knockout drugs?"
"I believe the correct terminology is 'sedative' Commander. What do you want them for?" Chakwas looked up from a data pad, visually unfazed by either the faint red glare of cybernetics starting to break back through on the Commander's face or the blue glow of biotics round her arms.
"Joker has requested that I, and I quote, 'stop blowing holes in my ship'." Shepard hits the wall with the side of her fist in frustration, leaving a dent an inch deep in the metal. The doctor gets up with a sigh, typing on her omni-tool as she heads to the med-dispenser. Handing the commander a couple of pills, she waits for her to swallow them before speaking again.
"I'm sorry Shepard, your body keeps adapting and sedatives are becoming less effective upon each application. I'd rather keep them in reserve for real emergencies."
"You see, this is why no-one trusts doctors... What were they?"
"Biotic inhibitors. Probably won't stop your flare-ups completely, but should reduce the risk of hull breaches and minimise maintenance costs. Supposed to last 8 hours normally, so hopefully we'll get at least five to six out of them... Do you want to talk about it?"
"No."
"Fair enough." The fact the soldier is still standing there and not already storming out the med bay belies her words, but Chakwas is conscious how carefully she must tread. Too overt a sign of attempting to help or displaying sympathy risks triggering the commander's machoistic fear of appearing weak.
"Why's everyone so obsessed with trying to get me to talk anyway?" The doctor knows better than to answer that one. They care about you. They're worried. You're important to us all and NOT just in an 'only you can save the universe' way. The commander would rather drown than accept the help of someone throwing her a lifebuoy. The trick, Chakwas had learnt, was to try and arrange for inconspicuous tree trunks to float by when they were most needed.
"I don't suppose any of these other people offered you a drink?" Shepard lets out a dry chuckle, although there's no mirth in her eyes.
"Nah, I think they were all afraid of the killer rage and unstable biotics. Despite the number of so called suicide missions we've been on together no-one seems to have that bad a death wish." Chakwas heads over to her private drinks cabinet.
"Well as a doctor I can confirm brandy is purely medicinal in nature." She pulls out a bottle of Serrice Ice and two glasses.
"Really?" Shepard asks disbelievingly. "You're willing to give me booze in this state?"
"My medbay..."
"Your rules! I suppose I could drink to that. Although... for the record," a glint appeared in the commander's eye, "I must point out you're acting recklessly, endangering not just your own life but that of everyone on deck 3". Chakwas chuckles as she hands Shepard the drink and sits.
"As I recall, I said some things off the record too."
"True. Okay... Hmm, off the record..." Shepard takes a swig as she leans back in a chair thinking. "Off the record... Out of all the doctors in the galaxy, I hate you least... and you've been right far more times than I'll ever admit."
...
"Do you ever regret working for Cerberus?" They were about three-quarters of the way through the bottle, Shepard having consumed the larger percentage.
"I didn't work for Cerberus, I worked for you and I'm pretty sure you disobeyed more orders from the Illusive Man than you followed. We used their money, took their ship, you stopped the Collectors, saving countless lives in the process... So no, I don't regret it."
"Ash couldn't see past it. Everything we'd been through and she still wouldn't trust me. OVER UDINA! I could understand if Hackett or Anderson had been standing there. Hell even some snot nosed lieutenant straight out the Academy showing her the video, but UDINA? She takes that two-faced, bosh'tet of a bastard's word over mine!" Her fist snaked out, hitting the wall once more. The next words barely audible, "I should have been faster."
"Should? Shepard you should have been unconscious."
"But if I'd been faster, if I'd been better... I should have neutralised Kai Leng long before he reached the elevators. If I'd reached Councillor Esheel sooner I could have saved her. If I'd just used a stasis field on Ash instead of a bullet. If..."
"If, if. That's a lot of what ifs, but you only ever look at things one way Commander. What if you'd been slower? We could have lost the entire Council but we didn't, you saved them. Two out of three's not bad."
"But..." Chakwas raised a hand for silence.
"No buts Commander, for once you're going to listen to me. You do the impossible on a regular basis, things no-one else could do and it's never enough for you. It's always 'I could have done better'. If you were faster on Horizon you could have saved the colonists, but you DID save so many. If you'd been slower we'd have lost more, if you weren't there at all, they would have all been taken. You can't save everyone Shepard."
"I can try."
"Yes you can, and try you will. I'd expect nothing less from you. All I'm saying is stop tormenting yourself about things beyond your control. Maybe you've not noticed Shepard but every time you get in one of these moods it's always after a mission where either you wake up in my med bay, or you ask me to come with the pickup shuttle. In other words, when there is nothing left in you to give. You're a human being not a machine!" The commander opened her mouth to protest but was cut off by a stern glare from Chakwas as she continued: "By all means analyse missions for different tactical approaches, but faster, harder, stronger? It's just not possible. You always give your all. Always push far beyond the limits of your body and I don't mean the human body. I mean yours specifically, upgrades included. You're certainly not invincible Shepard, but you're the closest thing in this galaxy to unbeatable, so stop trying to fight yourself. It's the one battle you can't win."
It's unclear if Shepard has taken onboard what's been said. Her expression unreadable as she swirls the brandy round in her glass. She's a lot more relaxed now at least. There's still some tension present in her muscles, but it is down to moderately unhealthy stress levels rather than 'dangerous risk of explosion with catastrophic collateral damage' levels. One side of her mouth twitches up in a half smile, emotion still unclear as she downs the remains of her drink.
"I can try."
