OMG I'm not dead! Sorry for keeping you guys "in suspense" for over a year. D: Anyway... here's the long awaited chapter 7. I should have chapter 8 up pretty soon. I won't keep you guys waiting another year before finishing this. I promise. I hope this was worth the wait... I like how it came out.
Please review guys, I'm glad that you're still reading this, and favoriting it, but reviews really do rock my socks. D
Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto nor any of its characters, that right belongs to Kishi.
We never really talked much after that short conversation at the graveyard. Our lives just continued quietly, silent games of chess on Tuesday afternoons, and idle Sundays lying on the grass watching the clouds. He didn't ask me about myself again, he didn't prod me for my story, he just lied there and stared up at the clouds, lost in his own thoughts. I didn't ask him to explain himself again, I wasn't ready to talk about my past, therefore I wasn't going to force him to talk about his. So on those lazy Sunday mornings I just sat there, back against the granite monument staring at the wildflowers in the field, sometimes at him, sometimes at the clouds. I enjoyed his presence, even though we never really spoke, we still somehow managed to communicate. Our silence spoke volumes, and with each passing week we came to understand each other just a little bit more.
Christmas break came and went, I received a phone call from Baki, wishing me a merry Christmas, telling me that he's making arrangements for me to come home for the summer break. I gave up caring long ago, every now and again I would miss my brothers, I would miss Kankuro's silly pranks and Gaara's sulking, but it didn't affect me the way it used to. I had gotten used to my quiet mundane life, I didn't have trouble sleeping anymore, even Hidan's antics ceased to phase me. For a moment in time I felt the shackles around my feet loosen, the fetters that bound my wings unwrap, for a split second I almost felt whole again.
Before I knew it the months flew by and Baki kept his word. One May afternoon I received the plane tickets to return home. It was a round trip ticket, I left the day after classes ended and flew back the day after my birthday. When the time finally came for me to leave Konoha I felt somewhat melancholy, it was strange given how much I hated being there when I first arrived, but the muggy humid air and over abundance of greenery and clouds had grown on me.
Going home was a strange feeling, even though nothing had changed, everything felt alien to me, from the dry desert heat to the barren wasteland that stretched on as far as the eye could see, even my brothers seemed foreign to me. They were in fact still the same people, Kankuro was still his whimsical self, playful yet volatile if you crossed him the wrong way, Gaara was still solemn, dark and quiet, everything and everyone was still exactly as I had left it, so why did everything seem so different? I was unbelievably uncomfortable those first few days home, the sun was too bright, the land was too desolate, the air was too arid, I longed for the fluffy clouds of Konoha, for the lush meadows and fragrant air. I had become so accustomed to my silent days that the clamor of my brothers, which had once been my saving grace, became nothing more than an unbearable ruckus.
As the days slowly passed, the blazing desert sun warmed my heart and kissed my skin, the cool desert nights calmed my soul, enveloping me in a glittering blanket of twinkling stars. It was during those enchanting nights, lying there with the universe brilliantly displayed above me that I came to realize that my heart was no longer grounded in Suna. I didn't realize it at first, but after a while the stars began to arrange themselves like a chessboard, unfinished games materializing within the lost constellations, soothing me, reminding me of lost Tuesday afternoons and idle Sundays. For a moment it unnerved me, it frightened me to know that my world was changing so quickly, that a mere nine months away could pull me away from all the rage and despair in my heart. I was scared and lost, terrified of being vulnerable again, petrified at the idea that at any moment, all those hopes and dreams I had so carefully hung on the stars could come crashing down upon me, suffocating me in a dust storm of sulfur and ash.
A long time ago, all my friends had betrayed me, for whom and for what I can no longer remember, all I remember is the agonizing pain and the empty void left inside my heart. All those painful memories have been buried away so deep in my mind that even if I wanted to, I could never recall what I had chosen to forget. All I had left of my dark and sullied past was my broken and fragile family. For so many years I had clung to them, used them to fill that gapping hole within me, they were all I had left in this world. We weren't the perfect family, we were far from it, but through it all we held together. There were many times I swore Gaara would kill us, but Kankuro and I would smile and push past it, burying the flashes of blood in the abyss, repressing that lingering feeling of fear and instead gingerly approach him with what love and affection we could conjure up and hope the moment would pass. For the past few years, it was how we endured everything that had transpired, it was how we survived.
As the days turned to weeks and the weeks turned to months, it dawned on me that I was not the only one who had changed. It was true that my brothers had in fact remained very much the same, but at the same time, it became quite evident that they did not need me the way they used to. During our time apart they had somehow adapted to life without me, they found their own way to survive, no longer needing me to keep their heads a float, and to wash away the blood. This revelation left a sinking feeling within my stomach and I felt that lingering nightmare threaten to consume me again. They had been my salvation, the glue that had kept me from dissipating into the night, and now, just like everyone else in this god-forsaken world, they too deserted me. All those feelings of abandonment and alienation came flooding back into me, drowning me in sea of misery and for a moment I could not breathe. I was trapped in a living nightmare, in a distant memory and I wanted nothing more than to claw my way out of it.
I wanted to hate my brothers, I wanted to cast them aside as I had done with everyone else in my life, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. No matter how much it hurt, no matter how much it destroyed me to know that I was no longer needed, I could not stop loving them. They were all that remained of a tattered and frayed childhood, they were all that remained of my beaten and battered heart. I could not hurl them into the abyss alongside all the other traitors in my life.
My last few days at home were restless, the nightmare hung by a thread over my swollen eyes, and with every passing moment the demons pounded on my heart, demanding to be set loose, yet somehow I made it through. I grimaced my way through the small party Baki threw for me, I played nice, hiding my emotions behind a intricately painted mask, fighting back the tears and rage. As I stepped onto the plane bringing me back to Konoha, my mask cracked, my emotions danced along the cracks, slowly seeping through, threatening to shatter it. Collapsing into the chair, I suppressed a scream itching at the back of my throat and dug my nails deep into the palms of my hands, breaking skin and drawing blood. The pain in my hands helped soothe my thrashing heart, and I stared as the blood slowly slipped between my fingers, staining my white-washed jeans with that all familiar blotch of brownish-red.
Konoha welcomed me the way it knew best, with flashes of lightening and rumbles of thunder. The dark grey clouds reflected my despondent mood, while the heavy drops of rain washed away the tears that streamed down my face. I felt utterly lost and alone again, like an insignificant wave tossed in the ocean, only to be swallowed up by the vastness. The storm continued to rage around me, encasing me in its cool embrace, as I tore my way out of the hellish nightmare that was my trip home. Before I knew what was happening I found myself leaning up against the cool granite monument, tossing my bags aside and falling into the wet grass, my head in my hands, the tears falling uncontrollably.
I don't know how long I'd been there, I don't remember when my tears dried up, but when the rain finally stopped and the sun broke through the inauspicious clouds I noticed that he was sitting there quietly next to me, close enough to instill a feeling of protection, but far enough to respect my privacy. I cannot say that I was surprised, he always managed to appear whenever I looked up from my despair, but I have to admit I was relieved. It was strange but he had the ability to soothe my troubled heart, perhaps it was his aloof disposition, or the fact that he never questioned my actions, but whatever it was he was always able to calm the storm raging within me.
Unexpectedly he looked over at me and smiled a lazy smile, and in his usual calm, indifferent tone he said, "welcome home."
