April 1999
She looked down at the pack of cigarettes lying on her desk. Opened it up, slid one up and ran her finger along it. She didn't do it often, it was just a way to allow a bit of relaxation when she desperately needed it, but ever since last night, it was all she wanted to do. Racked with guilt, Karen had no idea how to approach Will if he didn't do it first, or if to do so at all. How do you explain yourself after something like that? "Last night was amazing, but I had to get out of there as soon as possible." It wouldn't work.
It wasn't like she wanted to leave last night. But in all honesty, what else could she have done?
The sound of something slamming down on her desk jerked her back into reality. Karen looked to find her copy of Mrs. Dalloway from last night, instantly bringing her back to their comfort together in the bookstore. The way his arm felt around her shoulders. She had completely forgotten about the book itself until now; it wasn't necessarily the highest thing on her list.
"You forgot this."
She couldn't tell whether Will's voice was cold towards her, or towards himself. On some level, he had to have known that they never could have spent the entire night, and into the morning, together. But that element of common sense was overshadowed by the mountain of disappointment she knew she caused. She wasn't ready to look him in the eye. Not yet. "Where's Grace?" she heard him ask.
"Meeting with a client uptown. It's a major one, so if you're waiting for her, it's going to take a while." She could hear him walking around the room, no real destination in mind. Maybe he was just as lost as she was. "Hey…" she said softly, trying to get his attention. She could feel his eyes on her. "I'm sorry. For last night. I should have been straightforward and at least told you what I was doing, if I wasn't going to stay the night."
"Don't be. We both had an idea of what would happen."
"But I shouldn't have left like that."
Will brought Grace's desk chair over to the other side of the room, sat it beside Karen's and took a seat. She still wouldn't look at him, when all he wanted to see were the hazel eyes she hid. He saw her hands folded in her lap and took a hold of one of them. There we go. That was the trick. Karen looked into his eyes slowly, sadly, and he could see the darkness of her guilt, her regret. "You know, when I woke up this morning, I could have sworn for a moment that you were beside me. I felt it against my skin. But when I turned to face your side of the bed, I realized it was only the sheets you had tossed to the side before you left."
"God, Will, you're killing me." The last thing she wanted to hear was this, how he was set up for disappointment when he woke up to find that she had fled the scene of the crime. "If you're trying to make me feel like the worst person on Earth, you're wasting your time. I already made myself out to be horrible as soon as I got to your elevator." Karen turned her gaze back to her lap after she said that, only to find herself half submerged in a guilt so thick, kicking to get out of it would only make her sink deeper.
"That's not what I'm trying to do. I just want to make sense of what happened last night. We finally had it. Look, it might have been because deep down I wanted it all along, but I could have sworn that it felt like you wanted it too. I just wanted to make sure I didn't force anything on you, that you wanted it too."
"Of course I wanted it. I'm the one who dragged you there in the first place. I just knew that I had to go, and I couldn't just say goodbye to your face. Not after we just exposed everything we had to each other. I'm not so much worried about Grace and Jack; I could care less what they think, even though I know you do. It's not even so much Stan; I know he's my husband, but he's just so damn oblivious sometimes, I could tell him that I was in a different wing of the house all night and he'd believe me. But Stan's got kids, Will. If I come walking in the next morning in the same clothes I wore yesterday, and they see me, they will not let go of it. They'll ask questions, it'll somehow get back to Stan. You know how kids are, honey. They have no reservations. I would have loved nothing more than to stay with you last night, but I knew that it would never happen without some strong consequences. So I left. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I already know that I did."
"You didn't hurt me." It was all he could think to say; he couldn't make anything else come out.
"Then what's going on here, Will? There's darkness in your eyes and sadness in your voice. Tell-tale signs of pain, believe me."
"It's not you. Last night made me realize that whatever we try to do would never go perfectly, would never go as either of us may have hoped."
Silence.
"But that doesn't mean I don't want to try anyway."
"I'm only going to let you down."
"Look at me," he said softly. And when she wouldn't, he lifted her chin gently so he could see her eyes. "You surprise me, you stun me, at times you even confuse me." It wasn't a critique; she could tell by the smile on his face. "But as long as we do this—hell, as long as I know you—you will never let me down. I understand why you left. And if being with you means that I can't spend as much time with you as I would like, then it's okay. As long as I'm with you at all."
There it was. The light in her eyes slowly came back until it filled the room. "I can't remember the last time someone's said that to me." She freed her hand from his hold and wrapped her arms around his neck. When he pulled her in, Karen could feel the warmth of his body against hers, and it was as if they fit together seamlessly. It was the same feeling she had last night, when he saw her at her most bare and treated her with such delicacy and beauty.
But she could tell he was worried about Grace walking in at any moment.
"She left not too long ago," she reassured him. "She'll be gone for a long time." Karen rose from her seat and took Will by the hand. "Come here."
She led them to the back, the swatch room, all the while feeling Will's lips pressing against hers and his fingers crawling up her back. In here, hidden in the darkness, in between the fabric, there was a certain sense of security. And he completely let go of any of his reservations. He unbuttoned her blouse one at a time before he slipped it off her shoulders.
All Will could think was how he almost didn't show up today. He woke up to find that he was alone, walked out to see if Karen had made her way into the living room, and found the books they had tossed aside the night before. And he thought that maybe he shouldn't be so sentimental with this little piece of their evening together. It took him until the last minute to gather up the courage to make his way to Grace Adler Designs today.
And he was so glad he did.
Because it didn't matter how long they had.
What mattered was that even in the dark, he could see her smile, and feel it against his skin.
