Disclaimer: I don't own LoZ.
You might call it a double feature. You might call it bad. You might call it a continuation of the nearly Impy-less adventures of Link as he saves the Faron Woods, or you might just be happy that I got another chapter out so fast! Yes, this includes Midna-speech, as well as a Freakish Baboon, screeching monkeys galore, an evil Ooccoo, and questions on the anatomy of Twilit Parasite Diababa.
As I wanted to get this over with, there is a huge mixture of Impy-speech translated from OPFFIX's Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess Walkthrough Episodes 14-20, and chunglo's Zelda Twilight Princess walkthrough, episodes 12-16. So, this took a loooong time to make. Hope you enjoy it!
Zit-Poo Temple of Horrors
I've just noticed how I'm completely and utterly surrounded by idiots.
First, there's Impy. No explanation needed there. Then, we have my dear neighbors, and their god-awful spawn. Alongside that, we have Ordona the Boring Light Spirit, and Faron the Creepily Telepathic Light Spirit-
I heard that.
I know. Shut up. Anyway, we've got Faron, and we've got Zelda the secretly undignified princess, even though she's not an idiot, and then there's Coro the Coward, who was actually trying not to wet his pants when the teeny little bugs of darkness invaded his home and then tried to lock up the woods. And to top it off, we've got freakish monkeys, freakish squirrels, freakish evil talking birds, freakish goats, and Epona, who throws me off at least twice a week.
Ah, yes. Hyrule, the land of the peaceful, prosperous, and hopeless.
Oh, and then there's this Bokoblin in front of me who is dying because I used my HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL on him. What a temple guard.
Moving on, into the Forest Temple...
It's blocked by an annoying giant spiderweb, and after I deal with that I have to walk forever and a half to get to the first room in the temple.
My welcoming party is Bokoblin and a pair of Deku Babas and Miss Monkey screeching from within a cage. After I deal with the Walltulas on the vines and the monsters that somehow manage to pass off as "plants", I release her, because she's starting to really annoy me with her screaming. Then, when she's free, she does another stupid thing that looks like a victory dance and climbs the vines, trying to make me follow her.
And Impy randomly jumps out of my shadow with a teasing look, suggesting that she's making fun of me for being so popular with ladies.
Impy, you are gross.
However, her rambling might suggest otherwise. "You may pup, oink?" she asks. I do not get a chance to correct her and tell her that pigs go oink oink and dogs go woof woof, as she continues talking and starts issuing commands. "Are you poop? Pup, Pup, key!"
...I think I'm just gonna follow the monkey instead...
But then, when I reach Miss Monkey, she starts following me, until we reach a huge spider in the next room, which isn't nearly as tough as it looks. But then, I stand there for a few minutes before Impy pops up again, pointing at the torches and muttering, "Dub rub, you me die. And you dude, kick me!" she finishes snidely, jumping back in my shadow before I can kick her. Damn. When I light them again, it somehow triggers some machinery in the temple to raise some wooden posts, and while I try to figure out how in the Goddesses' names that works, Miss Monkey starts screeching again, leading me towards the door.
It leads outside, and it's very windy. Miss Monkey starts across the huge bridge, but all of a sudden, a freakish baboon comes out the other entrance, holding what looks like a white stick. Miss Monkey shrieks and starts running back, but Freakish Baboon throws his stick—wait, it's a boomerang-- and annoyingly cuts the bridge. Miss Monkey falls out of sight.
At least I'm rid of another headache.
Unfortunately for me, Freakish Baboon begins screaming in her place, delighted that he cut the bridge. He proceeds to spaz and smack his butt, which is by far the ugliest thing I've ever seen, and run away, leaving me thoroughly scarred. My Life is Average.
And, to my extreme joy, Miss Monkey climbs back up, sighing and heading back towards the door we just came out of. Impy again chooses to comment unnecessarily. But she starts screaming at the top of her lungs instead. "Cut me key! Quit me bow do in the hole!" After I have a heart attack, she calms down. She sighs and gestures at the monkey, indicating that I should just keep following her, which was what I was about to do anyway, but noooo, she had to add an unnecessary, "Oh, you need to you want. See bear, keep with you still is big!"
So I retrace all my stinking steps into the last room, and once we get back to the center, Miss Monkey finally decides to have a bright idea, hanging upside down from a vine so I can swing to another door.
But yet again, she has to be unhelpful, for she leads me to an ugly bug that blows up and reveals a cave of pots. And what is inside one of these pots? Why, only the most disturbing talking chicken with a freakish head that you'll ever have the misfortune to see, of course.
I attempt to kill it right there, but miss the head and break the pot. It comes out with a squawk and a flap of wings before shrieking, "Phew! Out at last! Gracious...once I got in there, I couldn't squeeze back out! You were a big help...Thanks!"
You're welcome. Now go away, pleeeease...
"I've been looking for something in here, you see. Gracious, yes!"
I decide not to ask how and why it was looking for "something" in a jar, behind a rock wall that needed to be blown up, in a temple infested with monsters, but today the Goddesses hate me. Either that or it can read minds too, but suddenly that horrible chicken-human-thing-face is right in front of mine, smiling the most creepy evil smile I've ever seen, and it's hissing in the most evil voice I've ever heard, "And don't you dare ask how I got back there, or you might just find yourself waking up in the middle of the night with your eyes clawed out. Understand?"
I nod.
It's suddenly back on the floor, polite and happy as ever. "You must need something here, too. Shall we try working together for a while, fellow adventurer?" the thing chirps. "You may not think I look like much, but I can be quite helpful! I can even warp you out of here if you want to leave.
I decide against commenting that it can only do one thing, and that that one thing isn't very helpful, but it's suddenly in my face again doing its creepy-evil act, whispering, "Not a word!"
Okay.
And it's back on the floor again, cheery as ever. "So don't think of me as a burden! Now let's get started!
Then it goes through an explanation of how it can warp me. "Just talk to me, and my son will warp you out," it explains, and suddenly a disgusting flying head is hovering around me and disturbing me.
OH, JOY.
You met Ooccoo! If you call her in a dungeon, she will let you out and allow you to return when you want.
Holy crap, Creepy-Evil-Chicken-Thing is a SHE?!
I decide to push the incident from my mind and forget I'm carrying Creepy-Evil-Chicken-Thing and Spawn in my pouch, and continue through this hellhole.
Five billion monkey screeches, nine hundred fifty-two ugly monsters, and twelve wrong turns and rooms later, I find another caged, screeching monkey stuck on a pole, and I have to give myself a concussion by rolling into the damn thing to knock it down. And then, when I thought my headache couldn't get any worse, two Bokoblins start making their horrible gurgling war yells and attack. It takes me about five minutes to beat them, having a concussion and all, and afterward, I take a looong nap.
I wake up and find that I now have two screaming monkeys to deal with. And Mr. and Ms. Monkey don't like to be kept waiting, so we take turns playing Follow the Leader While Screeching through the stupid temple, until they finally stop following me in the room with the torches, and leave me to go into the next room, filled with various happy wonders such as Deku Babas and Deku Likes, which don't die unless you make them eat a bomb. And the next room contains an even better surprise: ANOTHER SCREECHING MONKEY!!!
So, with a sigh, a groan, and some sobbing, I give myself another concussion to get the key out of the treasure chest on a wooden pole, light some torches, make my way across the room, get hit by a few Tile Worms, fight off an annoying spider, and unwillingly free the monkey, who's so happy to see me that he starts jumping and screeching even louder. I briefly consider "silencing" it, but I don't and ignore it to take another nap.
Then, after I wake up, I go into yet another room with yet another monkey and yet another annoying monster and do my thing, earning me another screeching companion. And then, I have to go back to the room where I left the first two. Let's see... that's... four walking, talking headaches! I tell you, when I get out of here, I am going on a monkey killing spree...
Now they are pulling me towards the door that leads to the broken bridge. And what a surprise it is that it's still broken. But, before I can question the size of the brain of a primate, they honestly surprise me by actually using their brains and forming a monkey chain, so I can swing all the way across. If they put their brains to work, they could take over Hyrule if they wanted to!
I cross the monkey-bridge, and who else do I find inside the door than Freakish Baboon! He throws his stupid boomerang at me, knocks some Baba Serpents from the ceiling, and smacks his ass again to taunt me, and seriously disturb me.
That monkey is going down.
I deal with the freakish plant-things quickly, so I can go after Freakish Baboon and his Freakish Butt. Unfortunately, I realize he will literally have to go down, and that in order to do that, I will need to give myself about twenty concussions. The stupidity of all the stupid people and stupid animals in this stupid world must have rubbed off on me, because I do it, just so I can kill the Freakish Baboon. And in the end, it doesn't even work. A mind-controlling bug was using him to be evil, and when he regains his senses, he runs off, screeching.
At least I got his awesome wind-controlling boomerang...
Then Impy pops up to say something stupid.
"Might want you tie. Hey, gomp pear what you need cupcake you give to me." Then she dives back into my shadow.
Impy, just for taunting me with cupcakes, I'm not sharing.
I go back to the door, which still has bars on it. Then I see a little windmill above the door. Catching on, I send the Gale Boomerang at it.
It lifts a little, then stops.
Okay... let's try this again.
It lifts up an inch.
...This is going to be a long, angry process. One more time.
Finally, the bars raise all the way. I guess third time's the charm...
But when I get outside, I find that all the monkeys have gone somewhere else, and now I can't get back to the other side of the temple. Stupid monkeys. Then, I notice a little wooden bridge, and on the other side is...
ANOTHER ANNOYING SCREECHING MONKEY!!! YAY!!!!
But, after killing the Bokoblin guard and knocking the cage out of the tree, the monkey does a short screeching victory dance and jumps away, out of sight. This was odd, but a welcome change. And then Impy has to spoil the moment. "You can't eat bread tonight. Pay me if you want power."
I don't need to listen to you, Impy. You're just a shadow. You don't have food, and you don't have HIDDEN FRICKING SKILLS. So I ignore her nonsense and continue, just so I can finish this sticking temple and kill all the monkeys of Hyrule.
A few more wrong turns later, I find a treasure chest holding the Big Key to the boss of the temple. At least once I kill it, I can get out of this giant tree filled with monsters and monkeys and all things joyful.
When I go outside and cross a bridge, a screaming monkey is waiting for me. It leads me to a giant room, and after crossing the bridges in there to the next room, I find the five or six monkeys I've already saved jumping in unison on giant mushroom-like growths at the edge of the room, screeching like a monkey chorus. There are three empty mushroom-things left with the new addition, and if I'm guessing correctly, which I really hope I'm not, I must save three more monkeys so they can all sing and dance in wonderful monkey harmony.
And then Impy has to put in her two Rupees again, clearly ordering me to find the rest of them even if I can't understand her. "Wrong bear the cupcake. Just pay you."
So I have to retrace my steps, which takes a few hours, and eventually find myself in the torch room again. Then I notice a treasure chest hanging over my head, so I knock it down, almost dying. I'm awesome. Anyway, it has a Compass inside it, and Impy points out that this can lead us to the other monkeys, by which I mean that more crap came out of her mouth. It went something like this: "If we wit did! It bit bread cup hit any!"
Okay, this is just getting ridiculous.
After more navigating, more wrong turns, more spiders, more Deku Babas, more fun with boomerangs and bombs, and more headaches, I finally find Mr. Monkeys 5, 6, and 7. I get back to the big Monkey Chorus room, and when I arrive, the all start screaming, jumping, and climbing the tree they're on. One by one, they go to the top, and start hanging by each other's limbs, forming a giant monkey rope for me to swing across to reach the boss. Admittedly, they're clever. Like I said, world domination by monkeys.
I swing across the monkey chain, and it's actually kind of fun.
And now, after all the blood, sweat, tears, and brain cells it took to get to the boss, I'm here. Outside the boss door. Ready to go in. Waiting. Just chilling. Not nervous at all.
Fine, I'll go in...
When I enter, it's quiet. Too quiet...
Until, from the middle of the acidic lake, comes a bunch of bubbles. Followed by two ugly plant-ugly-head-ugly-things, which are ugly. Which also look hungry, so I give them some Bombling Flambé.
After both heads sink back into the water, I thought it was over. BUT I WAS WRONG. Because the heads came back, unfortunately accompanied by their mommy, or their daddy, or whatever the hell it was, because I have no idea if Twilit Parasite Diababa even has a gender, or if it reproduced asexually, or if those are even its offspring, or if I should even be wondering about the anatomy of a Twilit Parasite Diababa when its third ugly head is roaring in my face at deafening volume and making repeated attempts to eat me with its two smaller heads.
So, for about ten minutes, I run around the room avoiding acid spray and giant plant heads, and all of a sudden I hear the worst sound in the world you will ever hear. It was worse than nails on a chalkboard. It was worse than Ilia trying to sing.
It was a monkey screech. Damnit all!
And Freakish Baboon is waving at me from some ledge, and swings across to another ledge, and then reaches for something I can't see and holds up a Bombling.
And monkeys will now commence world takeover.
Well, maybe after the Freakish Baboon helps me beat Twilit Parasite Diababa. I aim the boomerang at Freakish Baboon's Bombling as he swings by, and then at the middle head, since, you know, it's the biggest and the ugliest. It takes just one bomb, and then the two smaller heads sink into their acid pool and the big head comes crashing down, and I use my HIDDEN FRICKING SKILL, the Ending Blow, and, it, well, ends.
Twilit Parasite Diababa obviously liked its only eye, because right after I stab it, it flings its head into the air and round in circles and spraying acid everywhere, yelling and roaring at the top of its whatever-it-has, before dramatically withering segment by segment, until the eye falls out from near the ceiling and explodes dramatically, turning into a Heart Container, dramatically. Dramatically, I slash and spin my sword and sheath it, looking AWESOME.
But the other parts of Exploded Twilit Parasite Diababa exploded differently. Diababa is now about three hundred million, two hundred seventy-five thousand, eight hundred ninety-two squares of blackness, which all condense and form a....thing.
When in doubt, ask Impy.
And, the first thing that she does after all my hard work, killing every single enemy in this damn tree about five times, putting up with her and eight too many monkeys and one too many Freakish Baboons and one too many Creepy-Evil-Chicken-Things, she laughs at me! Fuck you, Impy!
"Take it," she says. Then, she takes it, with her ugly hand-hair. She goes on a long-winded explanation of the Fused Shadows being the "dark power" the Light Spirits talked about, wondering if this was really as "easy" as it looked, and that we shouldn't spend more time here, by which I mean she said nothing helpful. "Keep it. And you dude me. Do you, bread, womping pup oil? You and you keep poo knee. Better take what you get... If what it itchy keep oh, in pup mare pear bib!" Then, the Fused Shadow disappears with her hair-hand, and she says matter-of-factly, "Then Zeet won, keep the beat." She forms a portal on the floor and remarks, "Gomp you need pair, yet you wet see." She starts giggling in the portal, so I pick up the Heart Container, and after a short celebration about my life meter gaining a heart, whatever that means, I walk up to Impy and her portal so we can leave.
"Do you gone my puppy?"
Uh...sure...
So with that taken care of, I go into her portal and disappear into Twilightyness.
AND WE'RE BACK AT THE GODDAMN FARON SPRING AGAIN...
Shut up!
Geez, pushy light spirit...
"...Heroic...Link..." an invisible Faron says from the spring, through gritted teeth, "Do not think that Hyrule is now saved from the spread of twilight...Leave these woods and go to the east, where you will find the land protected by the spirit Eldin."
Oh, joy, another weird light spirit.
"SHUT UP! There you will find those you seek..."
...Who?
"The village brats...?"
Oh, yeah, I'd forgotten about them...
Faron sighs and continues, "But know that these lands lie in twilight...They are now a dark realm covered by the clouds of dusk. If you set foot beyond the curtain of twilight, you will revert to your beast form, so be prepared."
Great. More Impy and Wolf Quality Time.
"Sucks for you. Hero chosen by the gods... Leave these woods and go to the east, to the land of Eldin."
Then Impy pops up again, pointlessly. "Do you have bread?"
Jeez, what is with her and her obsession with bread?!
"Want, you cup? Bear bin cup and you get me. Yup, yup, puppy bear is too gross, too. Eee-hee! Pup!"
I am not a dog, mutt, cur, whelp, pup, you stupid imp. I am a WOLF!!!
...And she's not listening. Well, screw her.
On to Eldin and Twilight!
FINALLY got that horrible temple out of the way so we can go back to Impy and Twilight and fun-ness. And next chapter introduces ELDIN!!! Oh, what fun surprise do I have prepared for you poor people this time around... Well, if you already know, SHHHH! ;)
Yes, I hate the monkeys. I hate them a lot.
