Girls' Night

"Berry, the girls and Blaine will be here any second now. This night is about me and my love connection, it's NOT about the bestial relationship you're about to start with the other girl next door." I cannot believe that the hobbit already got this Quinn girl to go out with her and they only met in passing in the damn hallway. While, poor little Santana Lopez got denied. There's something wrong with this whole thing. This is fucking Karma biting me in the vag.

"Santana, I am appalled that you would think Quinn is anything remotely similar to an animal! Just because I am not as sexually loose as you, does not mean that I am any less capable of getting a date with an attractive woman!"

"I wasn't talking about Quinn when I said bestiality, I was talking about you, hobbit." Obviously.

"Oh." Rachel dejectedly said.

Damn it, when did I start caring about RuPaul?

"Rachel," I began softly as I made my way to hug her "I'm sorry, you know I don't mean it. You know that the vast majority of the shit that comes out of mouth is nonsense. Honestly, I wouldn't be living with you if you weren't attractive-" I heard her gasp but I kept going "attractive when you don't drone on about other nonsense. You're not so bad for my rep, you know." I pull back a little to look at her. "I'll try to lay off the harshness from now on, I promise. I'm just on edge with this whole thing. I have no idea what I'm doingggg." I finish off with a whine.

BUZZZ BUZZZ

"Oh, right on time. Don't worry, Santana. We'll get your girl." She reassures me and heads to open the door.

I go to the living room where I set up the table for the pitchers and glasses for the margaritas and pretzels for snacks. There's an easel with a huge paper pad on it in front of the TV. What the hell? When did Rachel pull that out? Sneaky elf.

"Oooh, gurl, where is she? I gotta see this new lovey dovey Santana ASAP." I can hear Mercedes proclaim. I'm the same Santana but, like, with new priorities. You know, Britt-Britt.

"I'm right here, Aretha. Thank you for coming, it means a lot to me." I pull her into a super tight hug to show her my appreciation.

"Wow, that's like the first 'thank you' I've gotten from you since high school. And that's when I drove you to the hospital when you shattered your cheekbone..."

I grimace at that memory.

"Thanks for bringing that up, bro. Oh, another 'thanks,' woulda' look at that?" I swear, I'm trying. I'm trying.

"Hey, Marley. How are you?" I lean up to give her a kiss on the cheek while I take the bottle of wine from her hands.

"I'm super excited. You deserve to be happy, Santana. And, from what I can tell, she already makes you happy."

"Aww, you're so cute!" I pinch her cheek to fully demonstrate her cuteness. "All right, you ladies sit down and I'll bring out the snacks and liq. You guys start brainstorming. Oh, Brittany's roommate will be joining us so she can get a taste of Rachel's lady berries and give us some insider tips to help me win her over."

BUZZ BUZZ

"Oh, that should Tina and Blaine. I'll be right back."

As I'm walking to open the door, I realize that the apartment is quiet. Too quiet. I live with Rachel Barbra Berry, this is not normal.

"Raaaachel? Donde estas?" No answer. All right. I open the front door and I totally did not expect to see Rachel sucking the face off Quinn. Damn Quinn is easy. Floozy. The bitch just moved in next door. But, still I gotta give my homegurl some props because she musta worked dat magic. They still haven't noticed me standing here. Ridiculous, it cannot be that good. I obnoxiously cleared my throat.

They noticed that and immediately backed away from each other, trying to adjust their hair and wipe their mouths.

"No, it's ok. You don't have to try to hide the evidence of your fornication from me, I saw the whole thing." I say as I lean my shoulder on the door frame and cross my arms. "I don't mind it but I'm sure you guys would regret giving people a free show. So, get your voyeuristic asses inside and help me with this, please? And then, after I fall asleep," I specifically make eye contact with Quinn "you can defile Rachel in the privacy of her bedroom."

I turn around and make my way to the kitchen to get the food when I hear Tina and Blaine come in. They're cool, I like them. Even after Tina kinda' tried to give Blaine a massage with a happy ending while he was passed on cough syrup, she was still pretty cool. She my homegurl.

I grab the pitcher of margaritas and a bag of pretzels and head out to the living room where they've all congregated. Aww, how cute, Rachel's sitting on Quinn's lap. Actually, I'm really hoping it's Quinn. They didn't correct me but I've never met the bitch before. If it's not Quinn, daaaamn Rachel. You go gurl. Everyone else is sitting down on the couches we have. I set down the stuff and head out to my room to get my knitting supplies so I can finish Britt's and my hats tonight so I can surprise with her duck feeding tomorrow for breakfast. She said she usually wakes up soon so I'ma try again. If she turns me down again, it's okay. I'll keep asking. She worth it.

"Hey, don't start anything without me. I just have to run to my room for a hot second to get something."

They all acknowledge what I said and I head out. I left it on my bed but I have to go through my drawer again so I can find a sewing needle and thread so I can sew on the ears, eyes, and noses. I'm positive she'll like it. I hope she will.

It only takes me a couple minutes to find everything so I head back out to living room and sit down.

"Okay, I'm back. You may begin." I say as I put my head down so I can see what I'm doing. I know what these bitches look like, I don't have to look at them again.

"Um, Santana?" I hear Marley ask me.

"Yes." But I still don't look up from sewing this ear on.

"What are you doing?"

I can hear everyone else asking that same question.

"I am sewing on an ear to this hat I knitted. Then I'll sew on eyes and a nose so it looks like a bear so I can give it to Britt-Britt so we can have cutesy, coupley, matching bear hats. Obviously. Anymore asinine questions you'd like to waste my time with, Ms. Rose?"

Silence.

Again, it's too quiet. All these gays and girls should not be this quiet.

I look up and everyone is staring at me with their mouths open.

"What?"

No answer.

"What?" I asked again. "Seriously, you guys. What's going on? Blink. You guys need to blink."

"Holy shit, it's true." Chang says.

"What's true?" What the hell is going on?

"You're already whipped. Completely and utterly pussy whipped by a girl you've met twice." Chang answers, while holding up two fingers.

"Gurl, you got it baaaad." Aretha puts her two cents in.

They're right. I am whipped and I do have it bad. As ridiculous as it may seem, they're right. I'm pretty sure I'd do anything short of giving her a kidney at this point. And that's only because I drank like a bitch in the streets through my entire undergrad years...

"What's wrong with being whipped? What's wrong with doing everything you can to make the person you care about happy? Huh? There's nothing wrong with that. It's how it's supposed to be. You make their dreams come true and they make your dreams come true." I state. Boom. Suck on that, guys.

I look around and once again, nothing. I can't even tell if they're breathing.

"Guys?"

"I call Maid of Honor!" Berry calls out. Okay, progress.

"Okay, okay, okay. You can be mine only if I can be yours." Sure. I don't mind. I loved Bridesmaids. But Rachel and Quinn did mind, they both blushed. Haha, non-ethnic people and their blushing. Sucks to be them.

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves, Satan. Let's get this show on the road, people. I don't have all night to get this bitch laid." Aww, that's why I love me some 'cedes. She gets shit done.

TWO BORING ASS HOURS LATER

"No. No. No. No. No. No, I'm not climbing through her window at four in the damn morning to 'surprise her' with a coffee date. I'm not trying to get my ass beat or arrested, so no. And, no. I'm not going to send my homeboys to 'pick her up' from work to meet me at a third, undisclosed location because I'm pretty sure that's kidnapping and I'm definitely not trying to be anybody's bitch in prison. No." These bitches be ridiculous. Two hours and that's all they've come up with? That's all they've written on that giant notepad that says "TEAM BRITTANA."

"But yo-" I'm definitely cutting Rachel off right there.

"No. There's no 'buts' here. I'm not getting a felony on my record. All right, you guys can stay here and write down some more asinine suggestions but I'm going to my room and get some sleep. Bye, thank you for coming. You don't have to go home but you gotta bounce. Deuces." As I throw up my deuces, "Love you all. Except for Quinn." I glare at her. "You and I have to talk." I have to look out for Rachel so Quinn has to comprehend that if she hurts my friend, I'll use my connections down at the city morgue and make her death look like an accident.

I don't even wait for any response from them, I just dipped. I have to put the finishing touches on these hats and get some sleep so I can wake up super early for my hopeful breakfast date.

Ugh, I can't do that to Quinn. She did after all help me, or try to help me tonight. I should at least walk her out.

"Quinn, wait up!" I grab her before she leaves "Thank you soooo much for coming over!" I say as I give Quinn a bear hug. Eh, she's an okay hugger.

"Puhlease, it was all my pleasure! If everything works out, you and I will definitely be seeing each other on a regular basis. I'll see you later, San." Quinn says.

"Trust me, it WILL work out if I have anything to do with it. Good night, Quinn." It will work out with Brittany. Just the thought of her makes me smile like an idiot.

Okay, now that I was nice to the neighbor - you gotta be nice before you threaten them - now I can go finish these hats and hope Brittany says "yes" this time.