A/N: Zayhad meant to make a drawing for this chapter but was in a bit of a "drawers block" (can you say that?). But she promises to make one for next chapter.
Chapter 7 – You Are Listening to My Voice…
The door opened and Horace stuck his head in. "Regulus - time to go to the common room. You know you have to spend some time there every day."
Remus' eyes flew open. He had been sleeping, but the sound of the man's voice woke him with a start.
Horace saw it and held up a hand. "Don't worry, lad - I'm not coming in. Doctor Lovegood has asked all men to stay away from you, so there's nothing to fear."
Remus relaxed a little. However, he was not happy about Regulus leaving.
Regulus sighed, knowing there was no way around it. Even if he managed to talk Horace into letting him wait, he knew someone else, like the ever-sharp-eyed Alecto, would notice his absence and come for him. "Alright," he mumbled and got to his feet to put on his slippers and a hoodie. "I'll see you later, Remus."
In the common room, Sirius was nowhere to be seen. That meant that at least Regulus did not have to worry about his brother.
Miles spotted him. "Who's that?"
"It's Regulus. He's just a kid. Leave him alone, he's very sensitive," said Marlene quickly, thinking that if Miles learned that it was Sirius' little brother he would be on him like a cat on tuna. Peter was about to open his mouth, but Marlene sent him a warning look.
Hagrid spotted Regulus and walked over and sat down next to him, almost making the small boy bounce off the couch.
"Ah, Regulus," he boomed and patted his shoulder with a large hand. "How are yeh today?"
"Er... I'm okay," said Regulus, wondering if his shoulder was intact. The big man had no idea how strong he was.
"Tha's good. Are yeh ever going ter bring yeh mystery roommate out here? Or are yeh snatching all them Cokes for yehself and jus' pretending teh have a roommate?" He winked at Regulus and gave his shoulder another pat.
"No. Remus is just very shy. But he loves Cokes. He's never tasted them before coming here. He didn't have a good home."
"Ah, I see," nodded Hagrid. "I reckon many kids here don' have a good home, but I'm happy yeh can be there for each other." He slapped his thighs. "Well. I'll better be gettin' back to cookin'. Yeh come find me if yeh need anythin'."
"You could give me another Coke for Remus," said Regulus.
"Yeh want one too?" Hagrid asked, looking over his shoulder.
Regulus shrugged. He supposed he did want one, but then he thought of Kreacher, who would never again be able enjoy a fizzy drink, and all the other lives Regulus had affected. He shook his head. "Just for Remus." He followed Hagrid into the kitchen where he got a Coke and hid it in the pocket of his hoodie.
Emmeline gave Regulus a shy smile as he passed her. She was sitting with her legs pulled up under her, looking cold. Regulus eyed her thin face and bony shoulders. She could really do with a Coke or something else sweet, he thought, but he knew she wouldn't see it that way. He couldn't remember ever having seen her eat anything, but he supposed she must eat at least a little just to stay alive.
It's your fault, an inner voice whispered. She stopped eating when you came. She's going to die from it before long.
No, he replied silently. She was already here and she's here because of her anorexia. It can't be my fault.
o0o0o
Lily went to get Remus later that day as Doctor Lovegood had asked. "Hey," she smiled as Remus sat up and rubbed his eyes. "Have a good nap? Ready for a session?"
Remus shook his head and lay back down, pulling the covers over his head.
"Come on," said Lily, sitting down on the bed, giving his shoulder a gentle shake. "It's just Pandora. She's a very nice lady. Not strict at all. She just wants to meet you. You don't even have to speak if you don't want to."
Remus curled up under the covers but finally after a few minutes he got up and stepped into a pair of slippers.
"Oh, Remus," beamed Doctor Lovegood when she saw them. "So good to see you. You can just sit there with Lily. I know you like her."
Remus bit his lip and sat down. He didn't look at her, although this place was much less scary than Dumbledore's office.
"I know you have only spoken to Lily and Regulus so far," said Doctor Lovegood. "But I'm hoping you will feel comfortable speaking to me as well. Perhaps not today, but at some point. Well – why don't I start by telling a bit about myself? I'm from Wales originally but have lived many places. When I finished school I travelled the world with my best friend. We toured Asia, Australia and South America. We did odd jobs here and there when we got the chance – to make a bit of money, you know, because traveling isn't free. We stayed in India for a whole year. I really liked it there. Learned so much from their spiritual arts. Meditation is a wonderful practice that brings balance and peace to the mind. You should try it some time."
Remus looked up and his eyes showed a bit of interest. It was like hearing one of Regulus' stories. Or his old friend telling him of the outside world or some fantasy world he had made up.
"When I came back, I lived a few places in the UK before settling in Glasgow to go to medical school. And here I am today," she smiled, holding out her hands. "I've been here five years now. What about you, Remus? I would like to hear a bit about you. Where do you come from?"
Remus gulped and rubbed his arm nervously. "I... I don't know…"
The doctor looked a little surprised. "You don't know? Have you lived the same place all your life or have you moved at some point?"
"Most of my life," said Remus. "I don't remember moved."
"Okay," Doctor Lovegood smiled. "Can you tell me anything about where you live so maybe we can figure out your address? Wouldn't you like to go home at some point?"
Remus shook his head violently. "I don't wanna go back to the basement!" he said and started shaking as he wrapped his arms around himself.
Both women looked at Remus a little shocked. "O-okay," said Doctor Lovegood. "That's okay. You don't have to. You're staying here where we can help you, yes?"
Remus started sobbing a little and kept his head down, his arms still around his frail body. Lily gently placed a hand on his back but the boy flinched at her touch.
"I'm sorry, Remus," said Doctor Lovegood. "I'm sorry I upset you. You're not going back to the basement. You're safe here with us, okay?" She looked at Lily. "Perhaps you should take him back and see if you can comfort him. I'll give you a pill if he needs it." She rummaged in a drawer and found a bottle. "Just in case you can't get him to calm down."
Lily got up and helped Remus to his feet. "Come, Remus, let's go back to the room, yes? Back to Regulus?"
Remus nodded and walked with her. He felt sick and scared. What would happen to him if anyone found out what he did? Would he be locked up and put in chains?
Lily sat down on Remus' bed and pulled him close. He resisted weakly for a second but then relaxed in her arms, resting his head in the crook of her neck. "It's okay," she said softly, stroking his hair. "It's okay, Remus. Just relax."
Remus pressed his face against her warm skin and he started sobbing again. It hurt so much to think about his past, but it felt soothing to be held by Lily. He shook slightly as he finally spoke. "I don't want to be locked up."
Lily wasn't sure if he meant locked up in that basement he had talked about or if he meant here at the ward, but she figured it was best not to ask about it. "It's okay," she repeated and kept stroking his hair. "You're safe here. It's okay."
"Mm..." he hummed and finally started to relax; but when the door opened he flinched again. He looked towards the door but was relieved to see that it was just Regulus.
Regulus stopped in the doorway. "Is... is it best I come back later?"
"No, I think Remus would like you here, don't you, Remus?" Lily had noticed that the only times Remus seemed truly relaxed was when Regulus was there.
"Yes, please stay."
"Okay," said Regulus. He hesitated for a minute and then walked up to Remus and fished out the Coke can from his pocket." I got you this..."
Remus lit up in a smile as he took it. "Thank you."
"That was nice of you, Regulus," smiled Lily. "Maybe you can take this pill with your Coke, Remus?" she suggested. "If you want to, of course. It will help you relax and feel better." Remus nodded and Lily handed him the pill. He tried to swallow it but had trouble with it. "Like I taught you - on the back of your tongue and then wash it down."
Remus looked at her and then tried, placing the pill in the back of his tongue and then took a large gulp of the drink, finally being able to wash it down.
"Good," smiled Lily and stroked his cheek. "Why don't you climb into your bed and get some rest? Regulus are you staying here until dinner?"
Regulus nodded. "Horace said I had stayed in the common room long enough for today."
When Lily had left, Regulus looked over at Remus who had now crawled under the covers and rested his head on the pillow. "Do you want to sleep right away or do you want me to read another chapter?"
Remus nodded. "I'll like another chapter."
"Okay. Do you remember we got to the part where Jim sneaks onto the ship and watches the two drunk pirates through the window?"
Remus nodded and made himself more comfortable under the covers. "M-maybe when we are done with the book we can go to the book place and get a new book?"
"Yeah, of course," said Regulus. "I love the library. I was never allowed to go before. We were only allowed to read the books that were made available at the mansion. But here there are so many different ones."
"Why wasn't you allowed to read all the books?" Remus asked. "Was you a prisoner?"
"Sort of. We could only read books or watch movies that were not censored. I didn't really know what that meant until I came here. It means that only the things the Dark Lord had approved were allowed us members to read or watch."
"He sound like a bad man," said Remus. "How did you come here? I mean, why?"
"He... he was our Master. He always knew best about everything. At least that's what everybody thought." Regulus swallowed, his mouth dry. "They... the police broke in and arrested all the adults. They took me here."
"But why they take you here?" pushed Remus.
"I don't want to talk about it," said Regulus. "Now, do you want to hear me read or what?"
o0o0o
Go ahead and lie down, Regulus, and relax while I have a few words with Lily," said Doctor Dumbledore as Regulus took off his shoes and lay down on the couch in Dumbledore's office. "Comfortable?" asked the psychiatrist and put a blanket over the boy.
Regulus nodded and Dumbledore brought Lily into the adjourning room. "Do you know anything about the type of hypnosis called regression?" he asked.
"A little. I've tried to read up on it since you told me that's what you're doing with Regulus. And I've read your notes from your sessions in his reports."
"Good," smiled the old man. "Retrieving supressed memories is a very precarious affair. There is a high risk of creating false memories. This is why many therapists will not use the technique. However, if you're good at it and stick to a very strict set of procedures it is an extremely valuable tool. And if I may say so myself, I am very good at it."
Dumbledore and Lily came back to Regulus a few minutes later and the doctor took a seat next to the couch. "Alright," he said. "Relax your shoulders and close your eyes."
Regulus closed his eyes and listened closely to what Dumbledore said.
"You are listening to my voice. You don't notice anything else," Dumbledore began in a slow monotonous tone. "Your whole body is relaxing. Relaxing. It is getting heavier and heavier. You feel your head sink into the mattress. Then your feet… legs… head… body. You are sinking deeper and deeper into the mattress. You have never been so relaxed in your life." Dumbledore continued five more minutes talking Regulus into a deep state of trance. "You are now completely and utterly relaxed, and you feel good. Nothing can hurt you. You are safe, no matter what happens. Can you hear me, Regulus?"
"Yes," said Regulus in a dreamy voice.
"Good. I would like you to go back in time. To your childhood. Back. How old are you?"
"Ten," said Regulus.
"Where are you?"
"In my room."
"Are you alone?"
"Sirius is here."
"Are you talking?" asked Dumbledore.
"He wants me to run away with him… He says it's dangerous here… That they're going to kill us… I say he's lying... He says we will not be the first… That they have killed others who didn't behave and they didn't like… He calls them bad words… I say he's lying…"
"Then what does he do?" asked Dumbledore when Regulus stopped talking.
Lily sat listing carefully. This was the first time she had heard Regulus talk about his brother.
"He says I'm blind… That I'm brainwashed and we're both in danger… I say he's lying... He says we have to go… He says they're going to kill him if he doesn't leave soon… I say he's a drama queen… He calls me bad words... I get up to leave… He jerks me back down on the bed where we're sitting… I tell him to let go, but I don't yell."
"Why not? Are you not angry?"
"I'm afraid they will hear me. I'm scared."
"Why are you scared, Regulus? Don't you think Sirius can protect you? Why don't you go with him if you're scared of the place?"
"He can't protect me. He can't protect anybody. He's going to get himself killed. If they catch him..." Regulus started breathing rapidly.
"Okay, Regulus, I am going to bring you back now. When I reach ten you will be wide awake and feel good and relaxed. One. Your left arm feels light as a feather. Two. Then your right arm. Three. You can move your left leg now. Four. Now your right." He kept going until he reached ten. "Ten. You're fully awake and can sit up."
Regulus blinked a few times and sat up slowly.
"How are you feeling?" Lily asked and gently touched his shoulder.
"Fine," mumbled Regulus.
"Well, I think we made a little progress today," smiled Dumbledore and adjusted his glasses. "Do you remember what you saw and what you talked about?"
"No," lied Regulus, putting on his shoes. "Can I go now?"
Doctor Dumbledore asked Regulus to spend a bit of time in the common room before going to bed.
o0o0o
Regulus stopped in the doorway to the common room. He couldn't go in. It was full of people. People bugging him. Everybody was bugging him right now. Doctor Dumbledore, the nurses, the other patients. He turned on his heal and rushed off to his room. He needed to be alone.
Remus almost flew off the bed when Regulus barged in. He had not expected the boy to rush into the room like that and the look on his face was a little worrying. Remus guessed the session had not gone well.
Regulus stopped, spotting Remus. Bugger. He had forgotten about him. Regulus liked Remus, but right now he needed to be alone, so he went into the bathroom and sat down with his back to the door. He pressed his eyes shut and tried to control his breathing like Dumbledore had taught him, trying to stave off a panic attack. He couldn't breathe properly; the grey walls and all the illness were closing in on him. He wished, like many times before, that he had something sharp. Just a few cuts on his arm would drive back the despair enough so he could stand it. That was probably the most frustrating thing about this place – that there was nothing you could use to cut yourself. Even the cutlery was made of plastic. A few months ago he had discovered that one of the nurses by mistake had placed a flower vase of real glass on the ward. For two weeks he had had an outlet for his anxiety, but then Molly had discovered a fresh cut on his arm and forced him to give up his piece of glass. Since then he had not been able to find anything of use.
o0o0o
Lily came in to check on the boys a little later. "Hello, Remus," she smiled. "Where's Regulus? He wasn't in the common room. I thought he was here."
Remus suddenly realized that he had forgotten about his friend who had come rushing in earlier.
"Where is he, Remus?" asked Lily, getting worried from the look on Remus's face. Remus sat up straight and pointed at the bathroom door. Lily hurried over to the door. "Regulus? You in there?" There was no answer. "You sure he's still in there?" Lily asked Remus. Remus nodded. "Regulus! I'm coming in," said Lily and pushed at the door.
"Wait!" sounded the boy's voice from the other side. Then he moved out of the way so Lily could open the door.
Lily found him sitting leaning against the wall. He had been crying, that was clear, and was trying to hide his face. "Regulus," she said, squatting in front of him. "What're you doing out here?"
"I want to be alone. Can't you just leave me alone?"
"Me? You want me to leave?"
Regulus groaned. "Just... everybody. They won't leave me alone. They say they want to help me but they don't get it. I just want to be alone and this is the only place I can do that."
Remus still sat on his bed but could easily hear what they were talking about. He suddenly felt a bit in the way since he was always in the room and that made Regulus have to hide out on the cold floor of the bathroom. He went over to stand in the doorway. "Do… do you wish you still had the room to yourself?"
Regulus looked up. "No, it's okay. I like you and it's your room too and you don't have to feel in the way." Regulus really liked both Remus and Lily, but to be honest, right now he felt a bit crowded in the small room, so he got up and pushed past them. He crawled into bed with all his clothes on, crept under the covers and faced the wall.
Lily sighed. "It's okay that you want to be left alone once in a while. If you want to talk, just come and get me, okay?"
"Okay," mumbled Regulus.
There was a knock on the door and Arthur stuck his head in. "Medicine," he said.
Lily went to meet him in the doorway so he didn't have to come in. There was no reason to make Remus more nervous today. They chatted a bit and Arthur handed Lily two small glasses with pills.
"Here you go, Remus," said Lily and gave Remus his pills. Then she went over to Regulus, who was still lying with his back turned. Lily placed the pills and a glass of water on his bedside table and sat down on the edge of the bed. "Doctor Dumbledore upped your doses. He hopes it'll have more effect."
"More effect than what?" mumbled Regulus. "It does zero now and more zero sums up to zero."
"Well, he's a psychiatrist, not a mathematician," said Lily, trying to lighten the mood.
Regulus didn't say anything else, and he didn't move.
"C'mon, Regulus, take the pills. You know I have to watch you do it, so let's get it over with. If they don't do anything now, then what's the harm in taking a bit more?" Seeing she was getting nowhere with Regulus, Lily decided to try changing tactics. "Well, you could just tell me straight out that you want me to stay, because you know I'm not leaving until you take your pills."
"I don't want you to stay."
"No? And why not?"
"Because you're irritating."
"Yeah?" Lily laughed. "Well, it's easy to make me go away – just take the pills. And since you aren't doing that... Well, I don't have time to sit here all night, so I guess I have to be creative. Hmm... I have a dog named Padfoot. When he needs to take a pill, I have to be smart because there's no way he will do it willingly. And I don't believe in force, so what I do is I crush the pill to powder and mix it with some dog food. Maybe I should go ask Hagrid if he has any dog food? What taste do you prefer? Beef? Poultry? Venison?"
There was an unmistakable sound of a stifled snicker.
"You're laughing!" said Lily in triumph.
"Was not!"
"Was too!"
Remus couldn't help but laugh as well. Lily seemed to be able to get everybody in a better mood.
"Well, if you weren't laughing, I'll make you!" said Lily and started tickling the stubborn teen.
Regulus squealed and wiggled to get free, kicking and pushing at Lily. Finally, Lily took mercy on him and stopped. Regulus was flushed in the face and his hair messed up, but more importantly he had a grin on his face.
"So you're gonna take your pills?"
"Never," grinned Regulus.
There was a knock on the door and Doctor Dumbledore stuck his head inside. The smile on Regulus' face faded when seeing him "Don't worry, lad," the doctor said. "I'm not here to pester you. I would just like to borrow Lily for a moment."
"We still have an unresolved issue..." said Lily, looking pointedly at Regulus.
Regulus sighed and took his pills in one gulp.
"That's a good dog!" said Lily and ruffled his hair.
She stepped out and closed the door to the room. "Regulus was a little upset but it's fine now," she informed the doctor. "What can I do for you?"
"I just wanted a few words with you about the session, since it was your first experience with hypnosis."
"Okay," she nodded and they went to his office.
