SKIT: Tales of Symphonia Coffee Talk – Au Naturel
Yuan leans on his chair against the brick wall of the local coffeehouse, hands behind his head. His feet rest on the table. "You know, Zelos," he says, giving the Chosen a casual glance, "I meant to comment on this before, but...you have lovely hair."
Zelos rolls his eyes and flips his carmine locks. "Pfft! Are you kidding? I have lovely everything!"
"For an anime-styled game, we've all got pretty normal hair colors," Lloyd says, biting into a giant cookie.
Genis raises an eyebrow. "Uh, Lloyd, hello? Have you been smoking the Reese's pieces again? Take a good look at angsty femboy and Saria's older sister over there!" he says, pointing at Yuan and Martel, who's sitting next to Yuan. "And me? I'm white as snow!"
"I'd actually venture that our hair color is closer to that of Rei Ayanami or Ruri Hoshino..." Raine rubs her chin. "At our ages, we'd never be able to get away with white hair in the real world."
"Well, I mean..." Lloyd gestures. "On the good guys side...the majority of us look...normal, right?"
"Define 'normal,'" Sheena says, smirking.
"I've got brown hair, Colette's blonde, Zelos is a redhead, and you're obviously supposed to have black hair, only the designers thought that'd be boring, so they gave you dark purple hair instead. That's half of our team that's normal! Or, you know...normal as you can be in anime."
"And Kratos has a reddish-brown color that's not too obvious or loud, as well," Regal adds.
"Ah, yes!" Zelos hooks an arm around Kratos' neck, hugging him close. "My fellow redhead! We need to stick together in this cruel world that blasphemously thinks blondes have more fun...or more sex, at any rate! Why the hell do blondes get all the press coverage, anyway? It's totally unfair. No offense intended to our cute little Co-Co, of course."
"None taken!" Colette says as she finishes the last of her Red Bull energy drink.
"I..." Kratos clears his throat and gently picks Zelos' arm off him. "I'm not actually a redhead."
Zelos blinks. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Kratos closes his eyes and takes a calm sip of his new cup of coffee, grudgingly purchased for him by Pronyma. "Red isn't my natural hair color. I just haven't washed the blood out of it in a while."
A stunned silence falls over the room.
The remains of a half-chewed cookie drop from Lloyd's mouth as he gapes at his dad.
"Dang," Zelos mutters, shaking his head. "That's just wrong in so many ways..."
ToS-ToS-ToS
THE DOC IS IN: Presea
Zelos rests his elbows on the cardboard stand and folds his hands under his chin. He smiles encouragingly at Presea.
Presea sits on the wooden stool with a deadpan expression. Her hands rest cutely in her lap. She stares back at Zelos.
A bluebird flies overhead.
A pleasant summer wind blows through.
A boy rides by on a tricycle.
A shiny red convertible whizzes over the hot asphalt.
A butterfly flutters by.
A man trims his bushes.
A squirrel scampers across an electrical cable.
A woman sunbathes on her front lawn.
A girl plays with her hula hoop.
A dog barks while chasing its tail.
A cat rolls over onto its back and stretches.
A school bus clunks by with noisy schoolchildren.
The house next door gets razed to the ground.
A meteor crashes into the other house next door.
The sky turns green.
A tornado blazes through.
Pigs soar overhead and drop gaily wrapped presents from above.
Barney gets shot by a G.I. Joe.
A giant anaconda eats half of the neighborhood.
An old lady pokes a sleeping bear with her cane.
Tony Blair commits seppuku.
A teenage punk drives a shopping cart around a sharp corner.
The heavens open up.
John Travolta falls to the ground.
Spike beats Albus Dumbledore to a bloody pulp.
George Bush chokes on an Auntie Anne's cinnamon raisin pretzel.
A masked horseman tramples the petunias.
A perverted horseman raids Victoria's Secret for panties.
The heavens close up.
Kenny gets killed.
An antique vase crashes to the ground.
A sale closes at Hot Topic.
A pencil point breaks.
Lilith transforms into the Magic Knight Erina Sasami.
A nun trips and loses her habit.
A centipede demon breaks out of the well.
A school principal retires.
Three teenage girls fall through a trapdoor in their school and land in WOOHP.
A choral group sings their way to the top.
Kyo hurls a basketball at Chiharu's face.
A gerbil snoozes peacefully under wood shavings.
Zhang Ziyi slices Stephanie's head off.
Regal roars by on the Regal-Cycle.
Ed shoves a giant jawbreaker into his mouth.
A fish swims around in its fish bowl.
A donut falls to the floor.
A hyena cackles to the night sky.
Squirrels demolish the local girl's high school.
Ryoga chases Ranma over the rooftops.
Mario rides by on Yoshi in the opposite direction.
A zombified Red Army takes the Eiffel Tower hostage.
Mia and Alex copulate on the white beaches of Waikiki.
A cake burns in an oven left on too long.
A student agonizes over a term paper.
A pink-clad ninja assassinates Hilary Duff.
A purple spider bites Sheena.
A pleasant summer wind blows through.
A bluebird flies overhead.
...Presea gets up and leaves.
A pause.
Zelos sighs and runs a hand over his face.
"How am I supposed to do anything when the patient doesn't talk?"
ToS-ToS-ToS
SKIT: Other Things Kratos Is No Longer Allowed to Do
"They're reaching their limits," Regal observes grimly. "It won't be long until one side emerges on top."
Presea nods. "All it will take now is one well-placed strike to determine the outcome. They are equal in talent...and equal in their exhaustion."
Indeed, although they are still standing, both Kratos and Lloyd look extremely worn out. Lloyd has a black eye, a number of cuts and contusions, and dirt stains everywhere. Kratos' clothes are ripped and blood-stained, and he sports a nasty gash on his left shoulder—not to mention the hole in the back of his pantsuit from Lloyd's Demonic Wedgie Blade. They're fighting the temptation to lean on their blades for support.
"L-Lloyd doesn't look so good..." Colette mutters, clasping her hands in a silent prayer.
Raine gently touches Colette's arm. "I'd tell you to have faith, Colette," she says, smiling slightly, "but you do that well enough already."
Colette smiles as well, but her cheerfulness fades as she turns back to the battlefield.
Kratos pushes his bangs off his sweaty face and glares at Lloyd. "Hmph...I never imagined we would have to drag it out this far."
"Cut with the talk," Lloyd growls, pointing a sword at Kratos. "Let's finish this!"
"As you wish."
Lloyd brandishes his weapons, lets out a battle cry, and rushes at Kratos.
Kratos glows white for a brief second.
FLASH!
Lloyd slashes furiously.
But the Angel's Tear simply whistles through empty air.
Lloyd stumbles and stares at the spot where his father had previously been. "Where the hell...?"
"Behind you," utters a familiar voice.
Lloyd starts to turn around—
Kratos' arm wraps around Lloyd's neck and catches him in a chokehold.
"Gah!" Lloyd tries to wiggle his way out, but the hold is too tight.
"Uh-oh!" Colette exclaims. "He's going to choke him!"
"Come on, Lloyd!" Sheena urges, fists clenched. "You can do it! You can get out of that!"
"What Sheena said!" Zelos says.
"Nnngh!" Lloyd clutches at Kratos' arm, struggling.
Kratos smirks. "So it has been, and so it shall be, boy!" he declares triumphantly. "SACRED NOOGIE RETRIBUTION!"
And he begins furiously grinding his fist into the back of Lloyd's head.
Lloyd screams, flailing his arms about like a dying octopus.
Kratos grins maniacally.
Presea and Regal blink at the same time.
Sheena, Zelos, and Colette freeze in mid-cheer.
It becomes deathly quiet, save for Lloyd's desperate cries of help.
"...it, um...must run in the family," Raine says as she stares dumbfoundedly at the scene before her.
"Yeah, if I were in that family, I'd run too," Genis adds, eyes wide in disbelief.
Colette looks pensive. "I don't think that a real attack..." she mutters.
"No kidding," Zelos says. "That attack was about as real as Santa Claus."
Colette's eyes well up with tears. She gazes up at Zelos. "Y-you mean...he's not real?"
Zelos panics. "N-no! No, that's n-not what I—!"
Colette collapses to her knees and wails.
Back on the field...
"So how do you like it, boy?" Kratos cackles, relentless in his attack. "You like spending time with your old man? It's great, isn't it? We're finally catching up on lost time!"
"Argh! Stop it, Dad! That burns!"
"Does it, really? Great! Now I can show you how to barbeque!"
Puffs of smoke start to rise from Lloyd's head, presumably from the friction caused by Kratos' knuckles against Lloyd's skull. The boy's normally brown hair starts to glow a menacing red.
"AAAAAH! It's gonna catch on fire! Stop! Stop it, damn you!"
"Only if you say 'uncle'!"
"UNCLE, AUNT, AND ELEVENTH COUSIN TWICE-REMOVED! NOW LET ME GO, YOU BASTARD!"
"As you wish." Kratos casually lifts his arm and lets Lloyd drop to the earth.
THUMP!
Lloyd scrambles to his feet and sprints for the nearest stream.
Kratos shrugs. "Well, if you can't take the heat..."
ToS-ToS-ToS
MINI-SERIES: PRESEA IS A ROBOT, Episode Five
Deep within the ionized steel bowels of Mana Enterprises, Secret Agent Raine Sage stares determinedly back at her eternal rival (and former lover) Martel Yggdrasill.
"It's just you and me, sweetheart," Martel croons, brandishing her rifles. "Just like it should be..."
"Hmph!" Raine crosses her arms. "You always were the possessive type. Did you ever stop to think that perhaps that's why I left you in the first place?"
"Mmm...I don't like much to ruminate on the past. It's so dreary." Martel grins and aims. "In fact, I much prefer looking forward to an explosive future!"
PH-PH-PHWAAAMM!
Raine nimble dodges the rifle fire with a series of somersaults and leg splits. She runs up a wall, vaults off, flips, and whips out her pistol to fire a mad barrage of supercharged laser shots.
SPANG! SPANG! SP-SP-SPANG!
The metal floor beneath and around Martel hisses and burns as Raine's stray shots bury itself into the structure. Martel let loose a stronger wave of laser fire from her weapons, effectively demolishing all but the main computer. "If I can't have the Derris Files," she screams, "then no one will! HAHAHAHAHA!"
"Argh!" Raine wipes some sweat from her face as the room smokes around her. "I've got to stop her before she takes down this whole place!" She readies a pistol and fires off a shot.
SPANG!
It knocks one rifle out of Martel's hands.
Martel yelps in surprise. She takes her remaining rifle in both hands and raises it—
SPANG!
Another shot from Raine knocks the other rifle to the floor.
Martel gapes at her now empty palms. She looks up.
Raine has two pistols in one hand and is pointing another pistol right at Martel's heart.
A silence.
Martel laughs dryly. "Go on," she says, holding her arms out. "Do it. Finish me. What else is there to do now?"
Raine inhales, but doesn't lower her arm.
Martel exhales, a calm expression on her face.
Sapphire orbs meet with emerald ones.
Another pause.
Then...
Raine tosses all four of her laser pistols to the ground beside her.
Martel blinks.
Raine smirks. "Where's the fun in offing you now?" she asks, cracking her knuckles. "Besides, everyone prefers seeing hands-on catfights as opposed to dramaticallysimple deaths with a possiblesymbolic meaning."
Martel stares at her for a little while longer...then slithers into a fighting stance. "Ah, I see now." She smiles. "You want me, as your master, to recognize your abilities in battle!"
"Not quite, but whatever picks your wedgie, I suppose."
"Just remember this, Raine Sage: I was the one who taught you all your techniques!" And she charges at Raine, fists swinging.
"Nnngh!" Raine evades the punches and dodges the roundhouse kick headed for her tailbone. "You may have taught me all my techniques," she growls, blocking a reverse punch from Martel, "but I possess a special ability!"
"Oh really?" Martel sneers, swiping at Raine with long green fingernails. Again the secret agent escapes damage. "And what would that be?"
Raine smiles mysteriously.
Martel rushes in with a karate chop.
Raine deflects with a simple flick of the arm and slides in an arc behind Martel. "Special ability—Flip Fu!"
And she promptly flips up Martel's way-too-short leather mini, exposing an expensive pair of acid green panties.
"Eek!" Martel's hands fly protectively to her bottom. "You're not authorized to view that anymore, you freak fetishist!" she yells.
Raine waves her off. "Psh! Authority is overrated!"
Martel curls her fingers. "Authority this, you panty-lusting squirrel! RRRAAAAUGH!" Again she charges Raine.
Raine steps back.
She stumbles on a piece of smoking metal and loses her balance.
Martel pounces on her and pins her to the ground, uncomfortably close. She grins like a fox. "I got you now, kitty!"
Raine twists back and forth, trying to throw Martel off her. "Get off of me, you nympho—"
Martel suddenly leans in and presses her lips to Raine's.
Raine's eyes grow wide.
A silence falls as the two share a tender moment.
Raine starts to close her eyes.
Then...
Martel pulls back and headbutts her.
WHAM!
"Aaaaaugh!" Raine winces and clutches her forehead.
"Ahahahahahah!" Martel gleefully wraps her hands around Raine's pale neck. "Hope you enjoyed the parting gift, love," she hisses, "because your bullet train to hell is leaving right now!" She tightens her fingers' hold on Raine.
Raine gurgles and chokes for air. She grabs at Martel's arms, but the woman is too strong—most likely the result of self-engineered Mana chemicals in her system, Raine realizes. Not that that information will help her now. Slowly, spots dance in front of her eyes...and she begins to black out...
But as Martel's pretty face fades from her vision, Raine devises one last plan of escape.
She furrows her brow and—
WHAMF!
"Oof!" Martel tumbles off Raine with a blow to her back. She rolls to her feet and gasps. "What in the—?"
Raine snickers as she props herself up on her elbows. Her right leg—her metal leg—from her knee downward is bent at about a forty-five degree angle...in the wrong direction.
Martel turns as green as her hair. "That's absolutely disgusting!"
"It's technology." Raine pops up her knee back into place with a loud clicking noise and jumps to her feet. "What do you say we finish this?"
Martel cackles. "Finish this? It's just started!"
The small fires caused by Martel's rampant rifle shots, pale and quivering up to this point, suddenly flare up in a wall of flames around the entire room, lending a dramatic and urgent atmosphere to the fight. Ominous shadows flicker. Random bits of melting metal drip to the floor.
Raine and Martel begin to circle each other like wolves, the main computer their center. They glare at each other over the top of the technological wonder.
"You and your little black-clad cronies are doomed to failure," Martel says. "Even if you kill me, it won't be in time to stop the fire from ruining your chances to retrieve the Derris Files!"
Raine grits her teeth. "I've still got one chance to off you, Martel."
Martel arches a perfectly groomed brow. "Oh? And what would that be?"
Raine reaches inside her back pocket and brandishes a thin remote control.
Martel's eyes widen to saucers. "You wouldn't—!"
"Clicking the switch that'll leak out the mercury fuel that runs the cybernetic implant that runs your weak, pathetic heart and let it poison your overly-chemicaled blood system?" Raine spits. "Give me one reason why I shouldn't."
Martel trembles. "R-Raine..." she murmurs softly, falling to her knees. "Renny-Fanny...dear..."
"Don't callme that anymore, you lateral interior of an ostrich pancreas!" Raine shouts, actually causing Martel to flinch. "You lost your right to that name a long, long time ago!"
"So who calls you that now?" Martel asks, her voice turning briefly venomous. "Your little albino man-wench Genis?"
"I'm not you, Martel," Raine says, her finger moving ever closer to the deadly button, "no matter how much you think you've brainwashed me."
Martel looks pleadingly at Raine. "I never brainwashed you!" she insists. "I took you in when you were poor and starving! I gave you food, I gave you a home, I gave you my wisdom, I gave you my !"
"You gave me nothing but pain," Raine intones. "Ashes to ashes...dust to dust...you've brought only agony...so suffer you must."
"Raine—!"
Raine pushes the button.
A pause.
Martel stares dumbly.
Raine glares back at her.
Martel throws her head back and screams. "AAAAAAAUUGGHHHHH!" She jumps to her feet, her eyes are insanely wide, her nostrils flared, her teeth gritting. "YOU LITTLE—" She snatches her rifle off the ground and takes aim.
Raine steps back slightly.
Martel suddenly twitches. She drops her gun. CLANK! She starts shaking violently. FWUMP! She falls to her knees and hugs herself. "Nnngh...nghhhhhhhh..." she groans, slumping slowly to the ground.
Raine watches impassively.
The flames flicker around them.
The smell of burning industrial materials pervades the smoky air.
"YAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"
And with one last banshee shriek of despair...Martel lies still.
Raine closes her eyes.
She takes a breath.
Steps forward.
Kneels down next to Martel's form.
She reaches out.
Slender gloved hands curve around a pale ghostly cheek.
Raine sighs. "We all go to the same end someday..." she murmurs. Her head snaps up with a renewed sense of purpose. "But for now...I will do what I was meant to do in this world!"
She sprints to the central computer, miraculously untouched from her battle with Martel save for a few scratches. Her deft fingers dance swiftly over the seemingly blank holographic keypad, sparking flashes of colored lights from the keys. With a few more seconds of intense concentration, she manages to pull up a string of indecipherable text on the flat-screen monitor. "Bingo," she says, typing in a few more commands. "Copy and paste into body of the e-mail...sending to rainelovesgeniswtfhalf-elves. I've got mail!"
The computer beeps twice, indicating a transaction.
Raine smiles grimly, looking up at the ceiling. "I may have gotten the Derris Files...but this battle is far from over," she says reflectively. "And there is nothing we can do to bring back the lives lost, the innocents harmed at the hands of General Yggdrasill and this Mana Enterprises. We can only walk forward...to the light of justice..." Solemnly, she turns and heads for the door, a determined look on her face. The fire, though dying away, is still bright enough to lend an orange glow to her pallid features. Her boots click out a dirge on the metal floor.
Clik. Clik. Clik.
She reaches the metal pods Martel had brought down earlier to prevent her escape. With a grunt, she heaves them out of her path and continues on. The tap of boot heels slowly fades into the distance as Secret Agent Raine Sage treads ever onward with her mission.
Behind her, the fire dies away.
The air cools down.
The technological lair is as quiet as a tomb.
Until...
The figure of Martel stirs ever so slightly.
Slowly...slowly...she rises to her feet.
Her arms are outstretched.
Her fingers are curled like claws.
Her fantastically long green hair hangs down like a stage curtain in front of her face.
And she marches zombie-like towards the door.
"Raine..."
Step.
"Ginevra..."
Step.
"SAGE!"
Step.
PLONK!
A giant metal beam falls from above and lands on Martel.
(to be continued in the next exciting episode of PRESEA IS A ROBOT)
ToS-ToS-ToS
SKIT: Not the Brightest Crayon in the Box
A young Seles Wilder plays with her voodoo dolls in her room as a Godsmack CD blasts in the background. She meticulously arranges pins in an intricate pattern in the eye of one of her dolls.
All of a sudden...
BAM!
Her bedroom door flies open. The jeweled curtains clatter and part to reveal a young Zelos Wilder, waving another piece of paper. "Hey, Seles! Guess what?"
Seles twists her neck to look over her shoulder with a deadpan expression. "Sheena's butt?" she drones.
Zelos stares at her for a few seconds. "...say, I didn't even think of that! Good one!" He waltzes into the pink frilly room and plops himself onto Seles' pink frilly bed, knocking some spellbooks to the floor. "Anyway, I've got a few more for you, and you can't tell me that at least one of these won't win you over!"
Seles sighs and puts down her dolls. "Not until you pay up."
"Aw, come on! I have them here with me! I'll give them to you once you listen to me!"
"Give them to me now or I'll use Freeze Lancer on you!"
Zelos sticks his tongue out. "Nyah! Remember what Dad said about using magic in the house?"
Seles crosses her arms. "Then I'll just throw you off my balcony and freeze you. You know I can."
"Rrrrggh...fine." Zelos reaches into his shirt and pulls out twenty Yu-Gi-Oh cards, all rare editions. He flings them to the floor. "There, you little bloodsucker. Are you happy?"
Seles' eye twitches as she studies her prizes. "I have at least half of these already..." she growls. Nevertheless, she scoops up the cards and drops them in a drawer. "No matter. I'll be able to trade the extras for other rare card or sell them off on eBay to unsuspecting victims. Anyway..." She carefully puts aside her voodoo dolls. "What sort of pestilence do you wish to inflict upon me today, not-so-dearest brother of mine?"
Zelos straightens up. "All righty, here we go! If you were a wedgie, I'd pick you first!"
"Ugh...we're already off to a bad start..."
"You've got 'hottie' written on your forehead."
"Who'd be dumb enough to fall for that one? Never mind—rhetorical question."
"If you were my sister, incest would be cool."
"...Zelos, I am your sister."
"Your graphics make Tales of Symphonia's look like 8-bit!"
"Sorry, I can't picture you in glasses with Cheetos stains on your shirt. Ew, what an image..."
"Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them!"
"You're not that skinny."
Zelos blinks.
Seles rolls her eyes. "You got any other abominations to our language to offer up?"
"Hmph! You have no appreciation for the art of dating, Seles." Zelos squints at the paper. "Hmm...what else is there...oh! It's not my fault I fell in love—you're the one that tripped me!"
"Next."
"Is your name Pepsi? 'Cause I gotta have it!"
"I told you to lay off the edible references."
"Are you an adverb? 'Cause you sure modify me!"
"Like I said, the nerdy look doesn't work for you."
"My love for you is like diarrhea—I just can't hold it in!"
Seles goes pale. "That's so gross!" she wails. "I'm going to tell Dad that you're making potty jokes!"
"No, no, wait, Seles!" Zelos screams frantically. "Don't tell! I'm sorry, I won't bother you again!"
"Thanks, but I don't expect you to keep that promise."
"No, really! I'm sorry for bothering you all of this time!" Zelos suddenly gets down on his knees and takes Seles' hands in his. He looks her straight in the eyes as he continues talking. "You've been such a great little sister, and I haven't gotten a chance to really say thank you for all you've done. Not just for putting up with me, but for being who you are!"
Seles blinks. "Huh?"
"You've been so nice to let me talk to you about dating—I really do appreciate your opinions! You're also really smart and talented. I mean, who else can recite Edgar Allen Moe—"
"Poe."
"Yeah, him. Who else can recite his stuff while playing the piano and practicing your spellcasting—all at the same time? And no one can sing the Quadratic Formula like you can! You're just overall...well...great!" Zelos smirks. "Not to mention you have killer fashion sense. I really like your shirt."
Seles looks down at her shirt. It has a print of the Happy Bunny™ with the caption You suck and that's sad. "Um...thank you."
Zelos winks. "Of course, I like what's under them better..."
"DAAAAD!"
ToS-ToS-ToS
RAINE CHECK PLZ
