A/N: Thanks again for your reviews, you guys are absolutely awesome.
I do, however, apologize for my cliffhangers... but I do kinda like them xD Okay, here's chapter 7, I hope you like it :)
Chapter Seven: Tried. Can't.
But there he was standing, his cheeks flushed, his nostrils flaring dangerously – Gibbs.
Tony stared up at him, trying to figure out what to do next. Should he just get up and leave? Should he stay where he was and possibly get shouted at? Gibbs' eyes were slightly darker than usual, the little friendliness that could normally be found in them, momentarily vanished. Tony tried to get up but as soon as he had moved he felt the hand on his shoulder gripping him a little bit harder and he stayed down, angrily glaring up at his boss. Really, what was he thinking?
"What the hell do you think you're doing here?" Gibbs asked, his voice strangely strangled.
"Uhm," Tony started, once again wiping away the rain (or was it tears now?) from his face.
"Uhm?" Gibbs prompted, still staring at him before he averted his glance to look at his wife and daughter's graves.
Then, suddenly the grip on Tony's shoulders faded as Gibbs let his hand drop to his side. He had returned to staring at him but somehow something was different now.
"Those your roses?"
Tony only nodded and stood up, suddenly nervous now. He looked down at the graves and back into the general direction where Gibbs was standing, not daring to look him in the eyes.
The older man sighed now, running his hand over his face, shaking his head.
"They were always from you?" his voice even more strangled now and Tony gulped again, still not knowing what he was supposed to expect now.
"Yeah, ever since I found out," he started, noting his slightly shaking voice. "Sorry. I know I shouldn't have…"
"Why, Tony?"
Gibbs' voice was completely off now, it was actually matching Tony's own shaky one and Tony locked eyes with him, knowing that Gibbs wanted the truth. And even though, Tony was still angry at him about kissing and then leaving him, the weird begging expression on Gibbs' face made him clear his throat before he answered.
-x-
"Look Gibbs," Tony started and Gibbs felt the suddenly overwhelming urge to give him a hug, to wrap his arms around him, so lost he seemed to be.
"I don't know exactly why I'm here or why I kept on visiting. It's just, you know, first I wasn't sure whether you came here on a regular basis because well, I don't know. You never talked about them and maybe it was just your way to handle things… all of it. So I thought that they would maybe like to, you know, have a visitor once in a while. That's why I started coming here. Nothing more and nothing less. But, you know, after a little while, I just came here to find some peace of mind… and it always seemed to work somehow. I'm sorry, if that sounds stupid now but that's what it is."
Gibbs nodded and pinched the bridge of his nose, desperately trying to ignore the burning feeling just behind his eyes. How could he have mistaken Tony like that?
"I'm sorry," Tony continued, disrupting his train of thought. "I know this is totally inappropriate and…"
"No," Gibbs interrupted him, cursing his own voice for betraying him now. "You were right, I only started coming here after… after I retired to Mexico, I think. I… before that I just wasn't…"
He trailed off now, looking away from Tony and to the graves again, unable to continue.
"Hey," Tony said now, his voice soft all of a sudden and Gibbs felt guilt rising up inside of him because he really didn't deserve his sympathy.
"You don't have to explain anything. This is not my place to be from the start. And well, I thought you would never find out that I visit them regularly. And I'll just stop now, okay? I won't come here anymore."
"No."
Gibbs was surprised at his own vehemence and his realization that he actually wanted Tony there. He had often wondered who was bringing those white roses, of all flowers white roses, Kelly's favorite, to their graves and while he had had a few suspects, his thoughts had never reached Tony. He should have, though, Gibbs realized now as he had always been the one who had understood him best – even better than Ducky…
"No?"
"No, you can come here whenever you like, Tony," Gibbs sighed. "It's a free country, you can do whatever you want to."
"You want me to come here?" his Senior Field Agent asked incredulously now, causing Gibbs to shift his glance back to him.
"Yeah."
-x-
Tony looked up surprised. Wait, had he just actually said that? Did Gibbs really want him to visit his family? Maybe, Tony hadn't screwed up that bad as he had thought he had.
They remained silent for what seemed like forever. Tony just stood there, staring at his boss, not knowing what to say next, what to do next. He had thought that they would possibly never talk to each other again. Hell, half an hour ago, he hadn't even thought that he could as much as look at the guy and still, there they were standing now, having the most honest conversation ever. He looked at Gibbs who was slightly paler than usual, his eyes somehow a bit glazed and Tony felt the sudden splinter of hope spark inside of him that maybe he would forgive him after all. For everything.
"Tony," Gibbs finally broke the silence and eye contact between them. "We should get going. It's cold out here and you're soaking wet."
He simply nodded and looked up into the sky as if he had only realized now that rain was pouring down on them. As Tony looked down again, Gibbs had already turned around and he couldn't help but feel disappointed by the lack of closeness. But then, Gibbs turned around and looked him into the eyes again.
"Coming?"
-x-
Gibbs didn't know what exactly had driven him to invite Tony over to his house, what exactly had made him offer a shower and coffee. And he realized that he was surprised that the younger man had willingly come along, never once asking why he was invited over. Gibbs knew, he owed him an apology but he simply couldn't help but feel slightly helpless because how in the world was he supposed to explain the reason for his abrupt departure the day before?
"Sooo," Tony said now, sitting at the other end of Gibbs' kitchen table, looking sharply at him. "We're here."
"Yup."
Silence.
Gibbs watched Tony fidget on his chair, clearly uncomfortable. He knew it was his turn to speak but he still didn't know how to start the conversation. Damn, he didn't even know what exactly he wanted to tell him.
"Gibbs, I get it," Tony startled him. "I know this is weird now. And I get it, you're not interested in me and I overstepped the boundaries. I get it. I'll have Vance transfer me to another team. I mean, I don't want that but I know there's no other solution because clearly I have this… this thing for you and you… don't."
"The team's your family, Tony. You know you can't just leave."
"What other choice do I have, Gibbs?" Tony's voice was breaking now and Gibbs once again stifled the splinter of guilt, the urge to put his arms around him.
"Clearly, we can't keep going like this. I can't just pretend to be your Senior Field Agent as if nothing has ever happened. I wish I could but… damn it, it won't work and you know it, too, Gibbs. I can't even look at you without… whatever. Doesn't matter."
"Tony, stop," Gibbs interrupted him now, knowing that Tony was apologizing for things that he should apologize for.
Gibbs pinched the bridge of his nose again then ran his hand over his face, trying to figure out a way out of this freaking mess.
"I don't want you to leave. You're the best agent I've ever worked with and we were friends until I screwed it up."
"You screwed it up?"
"Yeah, me. Look, I could have just let you go home yesterday, I could have just not come over, I could have just not kissed you. But I did and I screwed up when I just walked out on you."
"So, then why did you?" Tony's voice sounded bitter now and Gibbs knew that he had all the right in the world to feel that way.
"Damn it, DiNozzo, because I thought I wanted it, too."
Tony looked up seemingly surprised before his expression changed as the words sunk in, replacing surprise with devastation.
"But you didn't… want it… me."
Gibbs sighed again, knowing that he owed him the truth, even it would break up their friendship once and for all.
"No, Tony. I wanted you. And you have done nothing wrong, you couldn't have known. I… I have tried to replace Shannon before and it has never worked out. It just never felt right, you know. But yesterday, as you… as we kissed, it just did feel right and I couldn't handle it. I still can't because I don't want to replace Shannon, Tony."
"I didn't try to," Tony started but Gibbs cut him off before he could lose his nerve.
"I know you don't. It doesn't change anything, though. I can't be with you, I'm sorry. I really am. But I also don't want you to leave the team because want you to have my back. I trust you, Tony. Maybe I just need more time to process things but I can't keep you hanging like that because you don't deserve that either. I just… "
Tony had suddenly stood up, interrupting Gibbs' ramblings as he approached him. He only stopped as he kneeled down in front of him, one hand on Gibbs' right knee, staring up into his eyes and the older man was able to see tears starting to form in his green eyes now.
"I get it," he whispered now. "I do and I'm staying. Or I'll try to stay, okay? I don't know if I'll be able to but I'm going to try and I'll try to get over you, too. But I cannot promise that everything will be back to normal anytime soon. I just can't, okay?"
Gibbs nodded and felt his own heart breaking at the mere sight of Tony's tears running down his cheeks now.
"I'm sorry," Gibbs said now, only above a whisper.
"Don't apologize," Tony replied, a small smile forming on his lips. "Sign of weakness, remember?"
Gibbs simply nodded, wearily running his fingers through his hair again.
"I'll get going, then," Tony said, getting up again. "I have to be back at work tomorrow or my boss will go ballistic."
Tony gave him a small smile again, furrowed a brow for a moment before he leaned down and brushed his lips against Gibbs' cheek for a second and then turned around and left the house, leaving him sitting there, his hand touching the spot where he had just kissed him.
A/N: Reviews would be great ;)
