Dear readers, I fell a little behind on replying to all of your reviews. I've had one of those weeks.
All the thank yous to my wonderful team: Nic, Sri, and Iris.
Chapter 6
"Come as you Are" ‒ Nirvana
Come as you are, as you were
As I want you to be
As a friend, as a friend
As an old enemy
… No I don't have a gun
January 19
I've just spent the first half of lunch in a student council meeting, and now Alice is waiting for me outside the cafeteria.
"Before you go in there, I need to tell you about what just happened." Alice stops me from walking in and keeps her hand on my arm. I know it's not going to be good news.
"So Lauren was sitting beside Edward and kept saying, 'Admit it, admit it, admit it. I know you do!'" Alice imitates Lauren's sing-song teasing eerily well. "Edward didn't even look at her. He just stared straight ahead. After a while, she gave up and left."
I don't like where this is going.
"He really looked upset, so I sat beside him and asked what that was all about." She squeezes my arm before letting go. "He said she wanted him to admit that he liked you."
Fuck. My stomach falls out, and my knees shake. How did this get so out there? No one even really knows about our late night phone calls.
Alice is looking at me with sad eyes. She takes a deep breath and continues. "So I asked him if he does ‒ pleasedon'tbemad – and then I realized what I'd said and told him he didn't need to answer. It's not my business."
Alice's eyes tell me there's more. I don't want to ask her if he answered. I know by the look on her face that if he did, it's not the answer I want to hear.
"He said, 'I'm not interested. For now.'"
And strangely enough, I'm not surprised. It's not what I want to hear, sure, but it's what I expect.
"I told him right away that wasn't fair. You can't just 'for now' that shit!"
Alice is getting herself all worked up in my defense, and I need to let her know it's okay.
"Alice, it's fine. I know he's not into me. It's okay. I'm okay with us just being friends." She doesn't say anything else and walks with me to the library. She doesn't even try to get me to go into the cafeteria.
By the time fifth period rolls around, I've thought about this way too much. I don't want to see him, because I really don't know how to react. I decide to head to class and act like I have no clue. After all, I wasn't even around when it happened. There's no way he'd know I know.
I'm okay with my plan until I see Lauren sitting with Jess on the floor near my locker.
And then I snap.
I stalk toward her, and the stupid fucking grin she's wearing starts to slip away. I think she may realize she's about to be dealt with. I want to smash her face into the sole of my Docs so hard that I don't even trust myself to take another step.
"What the fuck's wrong with you?" I'm close enough to her to speak in a reasonable volume, but I yell at her in the quiet hall instead.
"Oh, Bella." Her voice is too sweet. "I was only trying to help. Don't be mad."
"Just stay the fuck out of my business." I want to say more, but I realize she's already won. He doesn't like me, and she got that info. She's a fucking cunt.
Oh, my God. I can't believe I even thought that word!
I'm only a few minutes late for English, and I even manage to smile at Edward as I make my way to my desk. I throw myself into taking notes as our teacher drones on about The Great Gatsby. This guy can make anything suck.
Edward's at my desk again after class, and I'm relieved. We're friends. We're just friends.
"I don't suppose I can catch a ride home…"
There's a little voice in me that says I should say no, either politely or bitchy, but I should shut this down.
"Sure. I'll meet you at your locker."
He's not alone. Of course he's not. Neither am I. When I told Alice we were giving Edward a ride home, she gave me the eyebrow but didn't say anything.
The drive home's easier tonight than it was on Friday. The roads are clear, and Jake gets out at Edward's place. There are no comments about my driving being sexy or winking from the back seat. Alice doesn't kill either one of them.
But I know her well enough to know she isn't happy.
"Bella…" We're in her driveway, and it's the first thing she's said since I told her we were driving them home. "I think Edward's a good guy, but he's friends with Jake, who's a certified asshole. Be careful."
"Alice." I make sure I turn around, so I can make eye contact and convince her I'm telling the truth. "I have a small crush on Edward. He has a girlfriend. He's not dumping her for me. I'm fine."
I'm not fine. But no one, not even Alice, needs to know that.
My phone rings, and I almost don't even bother to check the call display. I know by the time who it is.
Or who it should be.
Because instead of Cullen, C appearing on my display I see Black, B.
It's a school night, and it's too late for them to be together.
"Hello?"
"Hey, Bells." What's with that name? Who does he think he is to just start calling me Bells like that? "It's not too late, is it?"
"No." I don't say anything else, because what's there to say?
"So you'll never guess who I just got off the phone with."
"Santa?"
He laughs that big fake laugh, like the one in the back of my car when he was teasing Edward about Tanya.
"Good one. Nope. Lauren."
Great.
"Santa would've been better."
"You're telling me. I just had to listen to an hour of her complaining about you."
Fuck.
"About me? That's weird."
"Well, not really since you yelled at her in the hall today."
"Oh, that wasn't yelling. You should call her back and tell her I can show her what yelling is tomorrow."
Jake's laugh is more genuine this time.
"I'm not saying she didn't deserve it. That girl's something else. But maybe you overreacted?"
I don't know what to say, but I can agree. I overreacted for someone who isn't interested in Edward. Instead, I shock myself.
"How is this so obvious to everyone?" I sigh, maybe even whine, as I flop back on my bed.
And then I smack my forehead. Why the fuck am I talking to Jake? Of all the people I could confess all this to, he's really the last person I should trust. He's Edward's best friend, and until last week, he wasn't even all that nice to me.
"Do you mean you liking Edward?" He doesn't even wait for me to confirm it. "It wasn't obvious to me at all. I had no clue until this weekend, when everyone started talking about it.
I want to ask him so much. Who's everyone? What were they saying? But I don't interrupt, and he keeps talking.
"Look, I thought Edward started liking you a while ago. I've known him all my life, and I know how he acts when he's into a girl. And he's been into you for a while now."
"A while?" What's a while? Why's Jake telling me this?
"Yeah. Since before Christmas."
Oh. My. God. He's into me! He's been into me for a while? I haven't been imagining this?
"Look." Jake's voice changes. He's serious now. "He's not in a position to do anything about that."
What's 'that'? Am I 'that'? Are his feelings towards me the 'that' he's in no position to do anything about? Why?
"Do you know what I mean, Bella?"
"Yeah." But I don't. I have no idea what that means.
I'm buoyed from the information Jake provided last night. It's enough to give me the confidence to show up in the cafeteria. Edward's already at the table, and Lauren's nowhere to be found.
Until I sit down.
I'm at the far end of the table beside Garrett, who's across from Edward. Lauren sweeps from seemingly nowhere into the seat Ben's just vacated and a few people down.
She wastes no time before she attacks. "So, Edward…" She whines his name, and most of the people at the table stop their smaller conversations to turn to her. "You'll never guess who was mad at me yesterday."
His eyes quickly dart in my direction before he shrugs his shoulders and looks down at his plate of fries.
Lauren doesn't take the hint.
"Bella." As she says my name, I feel all the eyes at the table land on me. They're waiting for me to react. I'm waiting, too. I feel like the in control person I've constructed for the world to see could crash around me at any moment. And Lauren doesn't want to be on the receiving end of all this quiet, hidden rage.
"She yelled at me in the hall! Swore at me even. Can you believe it?" She puts her hand on her chest and blinks innocently.
Edward's still eating fries, head down.
Garrett turns to me. "I can give you the name of a guy. He wants to get into the hitman business."
I smile like this is nothing. Like my hands aren't under my thighs so no one can see how much they're shaking. "Thanks. But I'd like the satisfaction of doing in myself." In turning to look at Garrett, I can see the rest of the table. I'm slightly satisfied most of them are shooting daggers at Lauren, but she's continuing on, oblivious that she doesn't hold any power in this group.
"I mean, can you believe that Edward?"
Edward stuffs the last of his fries into his face and lets his hand fall to the table. It's not quite a hit out of anger, but the resulting sound finally stops Lauren. For a second.
"I know, right? I was so shocked, too."
Edward swings his leg over the bench and grabs his tray. Garrett follows him.
"Lauren," Mike speaks up. "You should probably go sit over there." He points to an empty table near the garbage and recycling. The rest of the table laughs, but I notice Jess is glaring at me. I'm not sure when she and Lauren became so close, but it's obvious by her reaction she's the only one at this table who's taken her side.
I fiddle with the tab on my Diet Coke and make no move to slide closer to the rest of my friends. I'm still looking down when I feel the bench shift as two bodies slide in on either side of me. I know the two of them have returned, and instead of taking their previous seats, Edward and Garrett have now flanked me. Edward's straddling the bench, so I feel his legs brush against me… followed immediately by a poke in my rib cage. I'm sulking so I don't look right away, and then there's another poke.
Edward's looking at me expectantly, and I have no idea what to do. He pokes me again. "I'm just going to keep doing this until you smile." It looks like he's as good at pretending the hard stuff doesn't exist as I am. I'm relieved we're both going to act like the past five minutes didn't happen. He continues to poke me. I don't want to smile, because he's told me that's what would stop him. His finger moves toward me slowly, his expression daring.
I don't smile. I try to look like I'm the most bored girl in the world.
But instead of poking me, he tickles me just above my waist. And not only do I smile, but I laugh ‒ not because I'm particularly ticklish, but because I'm so happy.
"I knew I could break you." He goes to tickle me again, but I swat his hand away with my left hand while I move the fingers of my right over his knee like he always does to me. He exaggerates his response, pretending to shiver and letting out a quiet, "Woo."
We smile at each other. I'm aware this is the most 'us' we've been in front of people, but I'm too happy to care.
"Thanks for cheering me up."
"No problem." He leans a little closer to me. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"No!" I nearly shout it, because I'm so surprised he asked. I'm so not ready to talk about it. How does he not know what's upsetting me? It was, like, five minutes ago!
Edward looks a little taken back, and then I wonder if I missed my chance. But there's no way he wants to talk about that. He told Alice just yesterday he doesn't like me that way. I don't need to hear it straight from him today. I know he knows, and he knows I know he knows. That should be enough.
