She's starting to relax. Thank god for that. If nothing else I know that a stressed out Sara is not something you want to see often. I still can't believe how lucky I am. I still can't believe they're coming either. I just hope that they can see the happiness we share, the peacefulness she feels. I hope they are not angry or misunderstand what has been and what is now.
Maybe I should start at the beginning. This is a love story after all! We had always shared a special something. I had convinced myself for so many years that she was like a daughter – a replacement for Ellie. Someone I could actually help. I saw her through bad times; Hank; the drinking; the suspension; the Adam Trent saga. She saw me through bad times too; the saga with Ellie; when I shot that kid cop; when I was shot myself (I still see that as retribution whatever she says). I saw her through the good times; when she was happy with Gil; when she was at the top of her game. She saw me through my good luck. I still saw her as a daughter.
Then something changed. Or did it? Did it just become clearer? When she was taken from us I didn't feel as though I had simply lost a daughter. And I know what that feels like. It was different. It felt as though all the oxygen around me had vaporised. I was living in a vacuum. And there was nothing I could do. Gil was the grieving boyfriend not me. And he is one of my oldest friends so how could I do anything? I just did what she had done for me. Sat at her bedside in the hospital when Gill wasn't around. I know she did the same for me. When I woke I always smelled her perfume!
When she came out of hospital I of course took a back seat. But I think Gil knew. As much as everyone thinks he is unaware of what is going on around him I don't think that's true. When she started to pull away, when she finally left, it was me he went to first. Everyone was confused for a while but they all realised that she had to do what she had to do. No-one blamed her. He told me to follow her, that he couldn't, that he wasn't what she needed even though he was what she thought she wanted. He knew. So I followed, hoping that I wasn't too far behind her. Hoping I could find her, help her, save her. Then she could save me!
It took a while. I looked into her background and followed the path to Tamales Bay. Found the old guest house, her dad's grave, a cop that remembered the case. Found that her mum was still inside and camped out in front of the prison waiting for her. For a time I thought I was wrong, thought she wasn't coming but there she was a month later. I didn't know what had taken her so long, wasn't my place to ask. Yet. She walked up to the gate, saw me and stopped. I thought she would kill me, thought she would shout, but she walked up to me, put her slender arms around me and wouldn't let go. She kept whispering "thank you, thank you". There was nothing I could say. I just kept her close, so close I could feel her heart beat. So close I could feel her warm tears on my neck.
We went into the prison. Sara saw her mother, on her own. We left. She was drained so I drove us straight to the guesthouse that she had been staying at. When we got there she was asleep and as I didn't want to wake her I explained who I was to the owner, showing him my badge, and carried her carefully from the car to her room. I watched her sleep for I don't know how long and I hadn't been in love with her before, by the time she woke up there was no doubt. Angelic isn't the word for it. There isn't a word in the English language that describes how she looked, and if there is one in another language it must be twenty syllables long.
When she woke we talked. To begin with she told me what she thought I wanted to hear. How much she missed Gil, the boys, how much she had achieved since she left Vegas. But one look into her eyes
I knew she was lying. Her truths had always been in her eyes and I could always tell the difference. I knew that the only way to get her to tell me the truth was to get angry. That was she would get angry and all those walls so tried so hard to construct had no choice but to come down. Had no choice but to allow the truth to pour out.
And pour out it did. The pain I heard about I will not share with you but to say how she did not put a gun to her own head I don't know. Everything she has lived through, in her childhood and the profession she chose, I would have wanted that out. She is brave and fearless regardless of what I saw that night. The fact that she allowed me to see it was brave enough in my books. How could she even begin to trust another human being is beyond me! But it did explain a lot. The main thing being her safe relationship with Gil. She could have had anyone in the lab, in the precinct, in the whole of Las Vegas, but she chose the one man that would never do anything about it. The one man that would always say no. Because that is what she wanted. That is what she needed. That is how she kept herself safe. Untouchable.
And that is where, when and how we lost her. Not with Natalie, not with that maniac kid. The moment Gil decided to take a chance on the one thing she never wanted is the moment we lost her. If only he knew. But then he probably does, which is why he sent me after her rather than go himself. She doesn't need him, but she does need someone. At the time I hoped it was me. Now I know it is. And everyday I wake up next to her and thank whoever is listening that she let me in, that she lets me love her, that she loves me too.
I have to get back to the here and now or I could have a major problem. I know that the gang will arrive here at some point and I can't be daydreaming at that point. The rest of the story will come out, but it is only fair that they hear it at the same time.
