Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto
Lesson Seven
The Hands that Holds the Kunai
x
When Naruto reentered the sleeping village of Konoha he knew something had changed. The gates were still the same stoic protectors. The civilian population was still asleep in their beds without a trace of fear on their faces. The alcoholics still had their bottles of liquor clutched to their chest. When Naruto returned to the Village Hidden in the Leaves, the monument still hovered in the sky, except now, those stone hard eyes were looking at him.
The Hokages of the past and present knew.
Naruto's shoulder's dipped in shame. He froze, and took three steps backwards until he was standing just outside of the gate. He didn't deserve Konoha.
"Crow," Butterfly whispered insistently. "We have to report to the Hokage."
Naruto didn't move, never really heard her as the storm of voices fought in his head.
For Owl, it would have been troublesome if he didn't understand the amount of trouble the situation deserved. "It's alright Butterfly. I'll report to the Hokage. Go home."
The night swallowed Owl's form as he jumped towards a rooftop.
Both Squid and Butterfly hesitated.
"If you need someone to talk to I'm always here," Butterfly gave a rare offer she wouldn't give lightly. She more than anyone knew it was easier to destroy a mind than to heal one. After a moment Butterfly and Squid disappeared into the night.
Naruto Uzumaki still stood at the entrance of the gate.
Pathetic.
It would be easy to assume that the container for the most malevolent being in the universe had no qualms with killing - that it would be easy to kill. It was certainly the logical thought of the villagers that feared Naruto in his childhood.
They couldn't be more wrong.
For most of his life Naruto could easily divide the world into good and evil. Evil: What the Demon Fox wanted. Good: What the Demon Fox did not want.
A snort. The world's not that simple.
Naruto hated to admit that the Demon Fox was right. The careful wall he had built to divide his sense of right and wrong was beginning to crumble. The boundaries were becoming blurred and shades of grey were beginning to paint his world.
In one night, Naruto had become the very monster people knew he could become.
We were always a monster.
I'm not.
Did you not want to run the blood like silk through your hands? Did you not want to taste the flesh on your teeth? Did you not want to ravish the woman and claim her as yours?
"No," Naruto whispered weakly. "That was you."
I cannot control your body.
"I… no."
A normal person would have thought it strange to find an ANBU standing before the gate talking to himself in the middle of the night, but the night patrol simply shrugged and moved on. Everyone knew ANBU were insane, that's what made them so dangerous.
You cannot fool yourself any longer. I will forever be a part of you. I am your darkness. I am your anger. I am your lust. I am your despair. I am you.
Ino Yamanaka tried to be quiet as she closed the door to her apartment, only to realize the effort had been futile as she turned around and found her roommate sitting in the living room and examining medical reports at ungodly hours of the night. Ino was quite convinced Sakura Haruno was one of the most underappreciated people in Konoha. A girl had to get her beauty sleep.
Sakura looked up from her documents as Ino entered the kitchen and unstrapped the utility belt from her waist. "How did the mission go?" Sakura asked, if only out of habit.
Ino hesitated to answer, "Alright."
Sakura put down her report and raised an eyebrow. Past the petty rivalries, the two young women had always been best friends and knew exactly when the other was lying. "What happened?"
Ino sighed deeply as she walked into the bathroom and turned the light on. "Had a new recruit on the team," she said casually as she pulled the ponytail holder from her hair and gave her hair freedom. "It was basically his first kill."
Sakura nodded. A ninja who hasn't killed wasn't rare, especially for career genin and those more suited to spying, tracking, or administrative endeavors. But for a medic nin, death was a common day occurrence.
Ino came out of the bathroom brushing her hair and her eyes became distant. Sakura knew Ino was remembering the first time Ino had killed. The events of the last mission had Ino recalling the memory vividly. After being knocked out in battle and taken as hostage to prevent Shikamaru's and Chouji's pursuit, she had woken up bound, her body naked and sore. She had lost her virginity to an enemy ninja. She had been so angry, so absolutely furious that without a single hand signal or touch, her mind invaded her captor and demolished him, took away all his happy memories until all he had left were the traumatic ones to suffocate the sanity from his mind. He fell down dead on top of her. There was blood everywhere, leaking out of his ears and eyes, smeared along her thighs and the crest of her legs.
It had been her first kill and even to this day Ino did not regret it.
The rape took her much longer to get over.
Sakura had been one of Ino's pillars, emphasized by being one of the only female companions in Ino's life. It was another instance that made Sakura wonder why she wanted to be a ninja in the first place? Instead, she buried herself in medical reports and did for the village what no one else could.
Ino swept through the kitchen and began searching through the cabinets for a bottle of sake.
"Have you seen Naruto lately?"
To Sakura that seemed like a random question, but she knew Ino was in the habit for gossip whenever she got back from a mission. Sakura thought on Ino's question as a blush grazed her cheeks. Sakura has certainly looked at Naruto lately.
Ino snickered, "I don't mean that way, but I do have to add it's not a bad view."
"Ino!" Sakura screeched, and suddenly the two were little girls again. They were together at each other's houses, talking about boys they would marry, and far away from the burdens of adulthood.
Ino placed a cup of sake before Sakura and sat down on the couch with the rest of the bottle in her hands. "It's not until recently I've actually looked at him. The man has issues. I never would have imagined, he always seemed so…"
"Naruto." Sakura finished her sentence.
Even during the brief psych sessions, the topic of conversation were never about anything more than how his week went, how his training was going, or what craziness his overseers were putting him through. Naruto never talked. Ino never really knew Naruto at all.
It had taken Sakura years. "He blinds people with his smiles so much so that we can't see past that light. He never talks to me about anything, or at least what matters."
Ino huffed, "That's men for you. Don't know what to do with their own feelings." Then she rolled her eyes, "Don't even get me started on Shikamaru."
"Or Sasuke," Sakura whispered. There was a strain in her heart.
Ino gave a soft smile. "I know what it feels like."
"What does?"
"Heartbreak." Ino answered as she twirled her hair. She had always thought she'd grow up and get married to Shikamaru. After all, they had been arranged to marry. Even her crush on Sasuke was an unconscious rebellion of the fate she had been so sure was sealed. "I realize now what you felt for Sasuke was minuscule compared to how I felt about him. For me it was only a crush, but you truly loved him." Ino drank deeply from the bottle. "It hurts and may never heal."
The women sat together in silence, contemplating the complexities of that unfathomable thing called love.
"You have a thing for Naruto don't you?" Ino asked.
Sakura bit her bottom lip and hesitated having a drink. "It's not worth it," she finally said. "He's really busy with some important stuff right now and… I don't want to become another Hinata."
Ino raised a curious eyebrow, "What happened with Hinata?"
"Nothing," Sakura said with a sigh. "Naruto hasn't talked to Hinata since the Pein incident and that was almost a year ago. It's not that Naruto has become busy, when he wants to talk to someone he will talk to them. Naruto avoids her. I don't think he knows what to do with her. He even has problems when I do things for him, as if he can't fathom why."
Sakura looked up at Ino with a concerned expression, "He can dish out so much love to a point it can become completely overwhelming but when it comes to showing him just a bit of your attention, he unconsciously panics. After months of avoiding her, Hinata eventually got the message. I don't think they've seen each other since the war." Sakura combed fingers through her hair. "That's Naruto. He craves attention but doesn't know what to do once he gets it. He doesn't know how not to be alone."
"Poor Hinata," Ino shook her head and unofficially added Hinata to the Heartbreak Club.
"I don't think I can do it," Sakura strained to say and held herself with her arms. "I can't bear to be pushed away, again."
Ino understood. She had her own insecurities, her own obsessive need to be in control of every situation and relationship.
Ino sighed as she stared into her cup. There was a young man standing before the gates of Konoha wondering if he was worthy enough to re-enter the insanity of this life. The life of a ninja was filled with trauma and stress and heartbreak, and it was a cycle that continually affected those around you.
No, she didn't regret her first kill. Death was a mere moment.
But she would live with the rape for the rest of her life.
Shikaku trudged to the kitchen after a midnight trip to the bathroom. He was looking for a bottle of sake but when he found them all hidden he grumbled, he sat back against the kitchen counter and crossed his arms. Despite being the smartest ninja in the village, his wife continually outwitted him with the experience gained from studying him for years. Shikaku stared at the impressions that were beginning to become a decoration on the couch.
Troublesome.
Shikaku made himself a cup of water instead. Right when he was about to put the rim to his lips a soft click echoed throughout the house. Shikaku did nothing to find the source of the noise. He already knew the identity of the intruder. He finished the water and sat the empty cup back onto the counter. With a lazy gait, he walked to the back of the house and slid open the door as another click entered the night.
"Didn't you move out because we were too troublesome?" Shikaku asked as he stared down at his son, playing a game of shogi against himself.
"Chouji doesn't play," Shikamaru answered as he took a drag of a cigarette. The folded wrap of tobacco was the central reason for the constant one-sided arguments that had occurred between Shikamaru and his mother Yoshino. As far as Shikaku was concerned there were worst ways for a ninja to die but Yoshino's complaints had become so troublesome that Shikaku had "suggested" moving out.
In retrospect, that had probably been a bad idea.
Shikaku sat down before his son and easily continued his side of the game. "How is Chouji?"
"His clan has been developing a new food pill so he's been busy," Shikamaru answered as he made his move. The landscape of the game was largely uneven. Shikaku began at a huge disadvantage. "You were on the couch."
"A slight argument with your mother," Shikaku answered as he came full-round to the issue that was consuming his thoughts. It had all began when Shikamaru moved out and left a gaping hole that Yoshino felt keenly. "She wants another child."
"Troublesome," both men said at the same time.
"Aren't you too old for that?" Shikamaru actually made the effort to make a disgusted face.
Shikaku chuckled. It was almost a compliment for a ninja to be considered old, "Your mom doesn't think so."
Shikamaru shivered in the warm night and placed a tile on the board a little too hard. The last thing he wanted to do was think about his parents in that way. Their conversation devolved into silence and left the small clicks of the shogi tiles.
Shikaku knew Shikamaru returned home when he was unsettled, especially after a mission.
Shikaku remembered the first time.
It had been on a night like this: while they were sitting outside playing shogi contemplating life and the clear moonlit sky. Then the ANBU came for his son. The ANBU agent wore a Boar mask. A teammate of his back when he had been in ANBU wore a Boar mask. But the Boar Shikaku knew had died. This one was an entirely different person.
They took his son away and gave him back with fresh bruises and wounds, broken and haunted. It was a night Shikaku remembered vividly. He had held his nineteen year-old son. Shikaku comforted him, as if Shikamaru was that little boy again who had just realized the worst cruelty of the world was the death of a new-born foal. Or when Asuma died. Just like then, he couldn't protect his son from death. As a father, all he could do was prepare his child, set the foundation so that when the storm ended, the house was weathered and in need of repairs, but it was still standing.
Sometimes Shikaku was convinced being a father to a ninja is harder than actually being a ninja.
It was something that plagued Shikaku's mind often. A father shouldn't be thinking about the what-ifs his son died before him. But for a ninja, it was necessary. After all, Shikaku needed a plan with emergency exits, blueprints, and back-ups to help maintain his sanity that such a crisis could inflict.
A ninja could never be too careful.
It was no wonder why Yoshino wanted another child. She was afraid of losing the one she had. She was just a civilian and even they were accustomed to death. It infected everyone, from the rich to the poor, to those with power and those who held none, to civilians and ninjas.
There was a final click.
Shikaku looked at his defeat that began with a disadvantage. Death is like a shogi board. It's not that your opponent has been defeated, but how you have defeated him.
Shikaku slapped his hands on his knees and stood up, "Good night son."
Shikamaru nodded as he looked at the final end of the pieces situated on the board. Shikaku finally gave in, defeated, as he knew he would, and slipped into his bedroom.
Death could not exist without life.
His smile was a light brush stroke. Sai sat back as he finished his artwork. He held the image carefully and looked around his room with somewhat subdued alarm. His entire room, the walls, floors, and ceilings where all covered with black and white images. There was no longer any room to place his newest addition.
Sai's footsteps were soundless as he traversed a floor of papers. He finally decided to start covering the couch and placed it upon the back of the futon. Before he went to bed he paused to stare at the image he has just painted: His brother, Shin was playing in a field of flowers. His brother had been the first person he had loved and the first person who's death affected him so deeply.
Images of all those Sai held dear surrounded him as Sai laid down to sleep. Sakura held a soft smile on her face as she half-turned in a kimono, a bouquet of cherry blossoms decorating her hair. Shin had an arm wrapped around Sai's shoulders wearing civilian clothes, a katana just a memory. Naruto shone brightly with a smile, the robe of the Hokage wrapped around his shoulders as he sat atop the heads of his predecessors overlooking Konoha.
Sai knew he was never alone. As he slept, there was a genuine smile on his face.
"Sunshine sleepy head!"
Naruto jolted awake and fell off the couch at the sudden voice in his ear. The loud noise made his sensitive ears start to ring. He picked himself up and had to rub his eyes when he saw Anko cooking in the kitchen with an apron on… and nothing on underneath.
Naruto was extremely confused. He looked around and found he was on someone's carpeted floor. The house was spotless and seemed obsessively clean. There were stacks of porn books adjusted evenly.
His mask of blood and bone had fallen to the floor.
"I'm making breakfast," Anko chirped devilishly as her bare behind flashed him before Naruto covered his eyes with the blanket he found around him.
Right when he was about to ask how he had gotten to Anko's house…
"Stop torturing the kid," Kakashi said as he yawned, appearing from the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist and the usual mask on his face. Naruto's voice caught in his throat. Now he wasn't sure whose house he was in, even though the stacks of porn were obvious hints.
"Wha-, you and you and Anko?" Naruto stuttered at the absurdity of his morning which completely put his nightmares in the back of his thoughts.
"It's a mutual arrangement," Anko winked. "I like sex. He likes sex. It works."
Kakashi collapsed into one of the kitchen chairs and lounged backwards with his arms behind the back of his head. Anko placed three plates on the table. Smelling the food made Naruto's stomach grumble. His stomach had a mind of its own and Naruto was pulled to the table. He sat down and stared dumbly at a plate full of pancakes with eggs, bacon, and sausage on top in the shape of a happy face.
Anko threw the apron off and sat down to eat. Naruto blushed as he diverted his eyes back to his plate. As far as Anko was concerned, she was here first and wasn't about to let some bashful teenager keep her from walking around naked.
"How did I get here?" Naruto asked softly.
Anko pursed her lips, "Kakashi brought you here, crying like a little baby. He was in the area." Anko asked, "So, how was your first mission?"
Naruto frowned and with a hoarse whisper, "It… happened."
"I can see that," Anko rolled her eyes as her foot casually pressed inside of Kakashi's towel underneath the table.
"What do you-" he followed her line of sight and stared at his uniform, at not only his blood but that of the ninja he had killed soaked into the cloth. Naruto stopped breathing. The chair flipped over as Naruto stumbled over it and raced to the bathroom. The door slammed shut behind him.
Kakashi sighed as he pulled down his mask and began eating breakfast.
Naruto wrapped his arms around his legs as he sat down in the shower. The water beat over his head.
Aren't you glad you were right all along? Are chakra's are mixing. You're becoming more like me.
I'm not you.
Oh? What other pleasures do you know that is better than the blood lust? What could possibly be better than killing?
I refuse to become like you.
You already have. You're a killer.
Naruto didn't have a response to that. The Kyuubi was winning the argument when the door of the bathroom was forced opened. Naruto looked up solemnly as Kakashi reached into the shower and roughly pulled Naruto out.
"Get dressed," Kakashi demanded as he shoved Naruto's regular outfit into his hands. Kakashi crossed his arms and under Kakashi's demanding eyes Naruto feebly pulled on his clothes.
"Walk with me."
Naruto followed Kakashi out onto the streets of Konoha. The marketplace was booming and bustling as people sought to sell their wares. Children ran underfoot, oblivious and happy. The day was full of sunshine and warmth on all the citizens of Konoha.
Naruto followed Kakashi with his hands in his pockets until they entered a graveyard and stopped before two gravestones. One read 'Uchiha Obito' and the other 'Inuzuka Rin.' Kakashi stared at both graves and never gave a reason why they were there.
Naruto stared at the weathered monuments. Fresh flowers had recently been placed underneath them.
Rin and Obito weren't the only one Kakashi wished were still alive. Minato always knew the right things to say and even if Minato didn't, the words he said became right. Kakashi was well aware that the young man who stood beside him had no father, no mother, and had lost his only godparent. He was all Naruto had, a sensei who continually failed him, who failed to notice when the little boy beside him had become a man.
In an effort to do something, Kakashi began, "Do you know how your father gained his nickname, "The Yellow Flash?"
Nartuo blinked, "The Yondaime?"
Kakashi nodded and did not blame Naruto for having to be reminded who his father was. Naruto knew very little about the man and had only met him once in his life. Naruto was glad to finally know his father but had gone so long without him, Naruto hardly gave the man any thought.
Naruto tried to rack his brain to answer Kakashi's question, "It was because of that special jutsu he had."
"The Flying Thunder God Technique," Kakashi nodded, "He developed it to end the Third Shinobi War. He killed thousands with the signature jutsu most people remember him by. It worked so well that Rock ninja began fleeing on sight."
Kakashi looked at the stone that marked his comrades' graves.
"Naruto, a ninja's job is to kill."
Naruto's hands clenched into fists. Naruto knew that. He understood facing his enemy honorably on a battlefield and fighting to the death. But what had occurred a few nights ago was slaughter. Those in the meeting room never saw it coming. Death came for them as silent as shadows, without warning, without a challenge issued, without even a chance to fight back.
Their screams still filled his thoughts. The blood of the man he had killed was warm on his hands. He heard the man's heart stop beating. Naruto's stomach ached.
"It was sometime after Sensei became Hokage when he told me how he regretted the many he had killed in the war. It was necessary, he had to protect the village and those dear to him, but he still regretted it. But that regret, the responsibility of so many deaths, and the nightmares, he bore them all with pride – that's what makes us human."
The sun shone brightly on the two weary ninjas, casting a deep shadow that reflected off the graves.
x
The boundaries were becoming blurred and shades of grey were beginning to paint his world.
AN: Updated 06/21/14
