PLEASE someone review this…we're begging you…please…
Mack: Welcome back…again…*mutters* non-reviewers…
Jay: King Queen Jack SLAP! *lightly smacks May's cheek*
May: Aww…next game.
Jay: You're on!
*start playing tick tack toe*
May: I win! I win!
Jay: Fuzzbucket. *leans over*
May: *considering Jay's neck* Hmm…doink! *pokes her with her pointer finger*
Jay: *sitting back up and looking at May's hand* Uh…that one? *points to May's middle finger*
May: Nope! *folds it down*
Jay: That one? *pinky*
May: Nope.
Jay: Uh…that…one? *thumb*
May: Nope!
Jay: FUZZEN FUZZY FUZZBUCKET! *tick mark*
May: I win I win!
*Jay holds out her arm*
May: I win you lose; now you got a big bruise! *tap along and then slugs Jay's arm*
Walter: Is this what they do to entertain themselves?
Mack: You just wait until they get bored with that.
Walter: I prefer not to. *shudders*
May: TOO LATE! *evil giggle* Potato!
Jay: Ireland. Uh…sparklies!
May: AWESOME! Shark!
Jays: Jaws and run. Swimming?
May: Drowning… dust?
Jay: Zombie apocalypse. Teeth?
May: MONEY! Or quarters…violin!
Jay: Epic backstory. Bow and arrow?
Walter: What on earth are you two going on about now?
Jay: It's a game we play. You say something random and the other person has to say the first thing that comes to mind.
Walter: So the first thing that comes to your mind when someone says "dust" is zombie apocalypse?
Jay: *indignant* Dust and Decay man! Dust and Decay!
Mack: Just nod and smile and she'll shut up about it.
Walter: *nods and smiles slowly*
Jay: Whatever.
*suddenly several large crates drop down from the ceiling*
Jay: WHAT THE CRAP?!
May: My precious! *grabs comfy chair*
Mack: *hiding behind curtains* I think its aliens!
Walter: *sweatdrop* You can't be serious… *gets up to start poking at crates* They're completely harmless!
Jay: Then why are you using a stick?
Walter: *busted* Uh…
Mack: It seems harmless enough. *out from curtains and inspecting crate*
Jay: Look, there's a tag! *grabs slip of paper* It's for us!
May: Is it poisoned?
Jay: Dunno. Lets read it.
*all gather around paper*
Jay: "Dear May, Jay, and Mack. I love this show and sent these as a treat and a reward for you all. The box on the left is for Mack, and yes, it's Snickers. The other one is for you two to SHARE.
Sincerely jodycain74.
PS: Tell Mack he's doing a great job."
May: Wow! That's so sweet big sis! What do you think Mack?
Mack: *busily tearing crate apart with his bare hands* THEY'RE KING SIZED! ALL KING SIZED! HAHAHAHAHAHA! *giddy laugh*
Jay: I think he likes it. Let's bust this open and get our sugar!
ALL START EATING CANDY
Walter: Do I get some?
Mack: *mouth full* MINE! *pushes crate behind camera podium*
Jay: *ninja pose* I will fight you to the bloody death for every last little Nerd in this box.
May: Here ya go Mr. Walter. *hands him a Sourpatch Kids*
Audience: Daww…
Jay: I don't like those anyway. *shoveling Nerds into mouth*
Mack: *munching on Snickers voraciously (you learned a new word today children!)* Mm-hmm.
May: *face buried in kettle corn bucket* Mmp mm!
Walter: *nibbling on Sourpatch* Some people have no manners.
Jay: *pauses for air* Oh shut up Jeeves.
Mack: *inhales deeply* Yeah…
May: *indignant* I extend my pinky when I drink tea and everything!
All: *sweatdrop*
Jay: *finishing Nerds* Well, now that we're properly hopped up on sugar, lets get this party started! *cracks fingers*
Mack: Gotcha boss. *revving up camera*
May: *Spartan helmet and sword* LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
Mack: NOT AGAIN! BAD MAY! NO!
May: *sad puppy sound and drops war regalia*
Jay: HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY SISTER SAD! DIE! *tackles him off stage*
MULTIPLE FIGHTING NOISES ENSUE
Walter: *sweatdrop*
May: *fidgeting* So…Mr. Walter…why do you have the dental floss gloves?
Audience: Daw…SO CUTE!
Walter: *settles back in chair* Well, I needed something that was lightweight, durable, and very very sharp. After lengthy consideration, I choose dental floss.
*Jay yells excitedly from the background that she scored a point*
*Mack replies with an order to give back his headphones*
May: Really? That's it?
Walter: Well, I can go into flashback mode if you wish.
May: Ooh yay! Flashback mode!
Walter: Well, it all happened a few days before Operation Crout Control…
*wavy lines and flashback sound*
"ALUCARD!" Walter slammed open the door, fuming. The vampire was getting into the annoying habit of appearing in his room after lights-out, and it was pissing him off. He had just been getting ready for bed, and his toothbrush was clenched in his hand like a weapon. Alucard smirked at him from the ceiling, in that stupid girl-form. "Yes, Angel of Death?" He asked innocently, and Walter growled. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM AT THIS HOUR?! GET OUT!" He threw the toothbrush at the vampire, to no effect. "UGH!" He snarled, stomping back to the bathroom and beginning to irritably floss his teeth.
Alucard nonchalantly walked through the doorway -via the ceiling- pissing the already furious Angel of Death off even more. "Du yu eve ha a sense a privacy? (Do you even have a sense of privacy?)" He snarled around the dental floss, grappling with the long string as he worked it around his teeth, the vampire walking absently down the wall. "No. And that was a stupid question you already knew the answer to." The raven-haired "female" replied, staring dully at his face. "Wehl yu cerainly ha a sense a humor. (Well you certainly have a sense of humor.)" Walter grumbled, irritated beyond belief. He suddenly noticed Alucard was creeping towards the door, raising an eyebrow. "Wha's wron wi yu? (What's wrong with you?)" he asked in surprise, and the vampire twitched, caught mid-escape. "Uh…nothing." He said guiltily, and by now Walter was on full alert. "Wha's wron wi yu?!" He repeated angrily, and the vampire scowled. "NOTHING!"
"WHA'S WRON WI YU?!"
"I HATE DENTAL FLOSS OKAY?!"
Awkward silence. Walter still had the dental floss wound around one of his teeth, and he blinked stupidly at the vampire, whose face was red. "Wha?" He asked numbly, stunned. Alucard was now staring angrily at the floor. "I hate it. It's evil." He said archly, and Walter tugged aforementioned evil out of his mouth. "It's DENTAL FLOSS. It's STRING." He said in exasperation, showing the vampire as he hurriedly backed away. "It's EVIL string." He said defensively, and Walter raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?" Alucard folded his arms. "Vampires hate dental floss. Ask anyone." He said primly, and Walter looked at the string in his hands, then up and the vampire, then down at the strings. An evil grin cracked his face, and he started advancing on the slowly panicking vampire. "Revenge is sweet Alucard. NOW FLEE THE EVIL OF DENTAL FLOSS!"
*wavy lines and fades back to stage*
Walter: Any questions?
May: *furiously writing on notepad* Vampires…hate…dental floss…
Jay: *somehow having popped up, one black eye and a split lip* Including…Alucard… *clicks pen shut and looks up* Thanks Walt.
Mack: *shirt sleeve missing and long scratch down the side of his face* You have contributed greatly to the May and Jay cause. *bows*
Hellsing/Soul Eater cast: TRAITOR!
*Walter jumps*
Walter: What was that?!
Jay: Don't worry about it; we hear voices out of nowhere all the time.
Walter: And somehow that doesn't comfort me at all.
May: *scratches head* I don't see why it wouldn't.
Mack: Don't question the voices. And don't listen to those who don't hear them. Trust me. *nods sagely*
May: Right!
Jay: Speaking of that minor/major annoyance, why do you want to kill Alucard so freaking badly? It seems so idiotic.
Walter: Am I limited to just one flashback?
Jay: Nah, take it away Alfred!
Walter: Well it was a dark and stormy night, soon after our return from Germany…
*wavy lines and ominous flashback sound*
"ALUCAAARRDD!" That was it. The Line had been crossed. The temple had been desecrated. Alucard had broken the very foundation of the universe. All that was good and British in the world was falling down around his ears. "It's just a card game Walter." The Nosferatu said neutrally, giving him a raised eyebrow over his hand as Walter slammed his own cards down on the table. "B*#^$*! I'm British! You're a…a vampire!" Alucard was unperturbed. "I know that. What's your point?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, and Walter violently gestured to the cards the vampire had laid out on the cold wooden table. "This is unacceptable! I'm born and bred in a country that excels in cards! I live by this! And YOU, yeah, YOU-" Alucard had pointed to himself calmly with a raised eyebrow "-come barging in here and clean me out! You probably never held a pack of cards before now! You spent all your time as a human cutting people up and when you were a vampire you just ate them afterwards! HOW THE BLOODY BRITISH HELL DID YOU BEAT ME?!"
Alucard calmly picked up both hands and began shuffling them into the deck. "One, I did not cut people up, I impaled them. Two, I did hold a pack of cards before, and I played myself. Three, if I told you how I beat you then I wouldn't beat able to beat you again, would I?" he explained levelly to the fuming butler, and Walter snatched the pack of cards back from the bored vampire. "SHUT UP!" he screamed, going into a fit of childish petulance as Alucard watched in amusement, waiting for the screeching and stomping human to stop throwing a tantrum before taking the cards back and continuing to shuffle. "And why were you playing YOURSELF?" Walter asked after a moment, and Alucard frowned. "Well, it happened just after Van Hellsing…"
*wavy lines and flashback sound*
*flashback sound is cut off with a screech, and it goes back to the stage*
Walter: HE CAN'T HAVE A FLASHBACK IN MY FLASHBACK!
Jay: Can we make an exception?
May: *puppy eyes* Pretty please?
Alucard: *mimicking May* yeah? Pretty please?
All: O.O
Jay: You…really need to work on your begging face.
Alucard: *blows raspberry at her and phases away*
Mack: Right…back to the flashbacks.
*wavy lines and appropriate sound*
Alucard sighed, looking irritably at the roof of his coffin. "Well…this sucks." he growled, tapping a finger impatiently against his folded arm, the stake still embedded in his chest. Aside from making movement rather difficult, he was also unable to heave open his coffin lid. Not to mention Van Hellsing and the others had probably put chains and locks and suchlike on it in case of just such an attempt. He sighed, slamming his head back against the floor as he rummaged in his suit, making a sound of triumph and pulling out a pack of cards. Better than nothing. "Right…" he muttered into the darkness, shuffling it and then dealing it to himself and a shadow, which he summoned from his coffin. He sighed heavily, trying to ignore how stupid this was, laying out his matches beside his chest decoration as the shadow did the same. "Go Fish." he said with another sigh, and the shadow complied. This entertained him for most of his imprisonment in the coffin, including the long boat ride over the sea back to England.
*wavy lines and flashback sound*
"And that's why I played myself." Alucard said simply, looking up from his hand as Walter scowled and reshuffled his own. "You are really sad sometimes, ya know that?" he asked, touching a light to his cancer stick and watching as Alucard rolled his eyes, waving the nicotine fumes away from his sensitive nose. "You try being locked in a box for roughly a month and a half with nothing but your own mind for company. Card games begin to take on a certain attraction." Alucard growled, shuddering and focusing again on the game as Walter rolled his eyes, the vampire's past antics confusing him as much as his present ones.
*wavy lines and flashback sound*
Jay: …*silent*
May: *blink blink*
Mack: *jaw hanging*
Jay: You…wanted to kill him because he beat you in a card game? *eye twitching*
Walter: IT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT CARD GAME! I BET MY GREAT-GREAT GRAMFATHER'S SOLID GOLD CARD SET ON THAT GAME! *over-reacting*
Mack: *raised eyebrow* Your grandpa had a solid gold card set?
May: Ooh shiny!
Jay: *facepalm*
Walter: DO NOT DARE DISRESPECT THE GLORY OF MY GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER'S SOLID GOLD CARD SET! *rage*
Jay: And you don't dare use your outside voice in my face buddy, or I will use The Whistle.
*ominous aura*
May: *wails and hides under chair*The whistle! The whistle!
Mack: *gulp* The whistle… *whispers*
Walter: *confused* What is "The Whistle"?
*lights darken*
Jay: *waves fingers over crystal ball dramatically* The whistle is everything, all that once was and all that will be! The whistle controls time and space, love and death!
May: *in wizard's costume* The whistle can see into your mind!
Both: *looming over him* The whistle can see into your soooouuul!
Mack: *nods vehemently from behind camera*
Walter: *shaken* Really? The whistle…it can do all that?
Jay: *tosses crystal ball over her shoulder with a grin, breaking several stage lights* Heh, no. We were just messing with ya.
Mack: *sticking a Snickers in his mouth* But it CAN summon a host of rabid anime fangirls.
May: *nods sagely* Uh-huh.
Jay: And it even makes sure they're fangirls of the nearest anime character! Convenient right? *maniac grin*
Walter: *incredulous* That's it?
Jay: YOU DOUBT THE WHISTLE?! THAT'S IT! I'M BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS! *whips shiny silver dog whistle out from pocket* PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM WALTER C. DORNEZ!
May: No big sis no! *tackles her and tries to grab the whistle* Too much overkill! Too much overkill!
Jay: *struggling to hold onto whistle* He doubts the whistle! He doubts the whistle! He must die for his insolence!
Mack: *chewing on Snickers innocently* Don't worry. They'll stop before it comes to fatalities.
Walter: How are none of you put in mental institutions?
Mack: Well the mental institutions would have to want us in the first place…poor guys aren't prepared.
Walter: Such as… *trails off expectantly*
Mack: *puts hand on chin* Well if I remember correctly the one time we went to a mental ward to "check out the competition" as Jay put it, all the staff had to be evacuated because the inmates were throwing a party. My bosses were handing out autographs, videos, and contraband items which included but not limited to butter knives, Nerf guns, sporks, and gum, and all the security guards were roped into a game of freezetag with the schizophrenic wardmates by the time law enforcement arrived with a SWAT team.
*both watch May and Jay fight each other for the whistle*
Walter: *slowly* And where we YOU when all this was going down?
Mack: I was playing Simon Says with the dyslexic patients. *dramatic wince* DO NOT DO IT. They will wipe the floor with you.
Walter: I'll keep that in mind next time I go to a party in a mental institution and the patients get out of hand playing games.
Mack: Happens surprisingly often doesn't it?
Walter: Indeed.
May: *staggers out of dust cloud* I GOT THE WHISTLE! I GOT THE WHISTLE! *proudly holds said shiny in the air*
Jay: *tackles her across the floor* NO YA DON'T!
*whistle goes clattering off into shadows*
Jay/May: NOOOOOOO!
*both jump for it*
*Alucard wanders out of shadows behind Mack and Walter as they tussle*
Alucard: *casual* So…what 'cha doing?
Walter: Watching the two terrors pummel each other. *absent*
Mack: *eating Snickers* Waiting for them to regain sanity.
Alucard: Uh huh…gotcha. *twirling whistle around finger*
*suddenly fighting noises stop*
Walter: Did they find it?
Alucard: Find what?
*Mack turns to tell him and sees whistle*
Mack: *pales* Uh…you might want to get rid of that.
Alucard: *clueless* Why?
Mack: Would you believe me if I said my two bosses would tear you limb from limb for it?
Alucard: Normally, no. Here…
*May and Jay screech and drop down from ceiling*
Alucard: *speaking rapidly* Yes-I-do-and-have-a-nice-day! *shoves whistle into Mack's chest and hightails it*AND DON'T LET THEM SIC THE FANGIRLS ON ME! I BARELY GOT AWAY LAST TIME!
Mack: *After Alucard* Yeah sure, whatever…
*Mack holds whistle just above May and Jay's heads*
Jay: *trying to grab whistle* Gimme!
May: MINE! *climbing on her sister's shoulders to grab whistle*
Mack: I'll give you both a piece of candy if you forget about the whistle.
Jay: *in seat with blank expression* What whistle? I know no whistle. What is a whistle? Is it a fruit?
May: *hands folded in lap, also in her seat* Look! I'm sitting nicely!
Mack: *facing audience* Take note of this ladies and gents. May and Jay will do anything for candy.
Jay: Gimme the sugar already.
May: I'm a puppy! Arf arf! *begging expression*
*Mack tosses them some candy*
Jay: *sucking on sucker* So…Walter…what happened?
Walter: What happened when?
Jay: You know, then.
Walter: *clueless* Uh…when?
Jay: FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, THEN!
*screen drops down from the ceiling, showing Young Walter and Walter as he currently is*
Jay: *stabs finger at it* WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU MAN?!
Walter: *penny drops* Oh…it's called growing old.
May: You should try it some time big sis.
Jay: Never ever in an ever. *raspberry and folds arms*
Mack: Ahem. Candy.
Jay: Oh yeah! And it isn't the whole growing old thing, what happened to your personality?! Here, hang on! *grabs remote and clicks it a few times, then blinks and quickly covers May's ears*
Young Walter: "Bloody bunch of pansy Huns. You're the leader here fat ass?"
*Walter stiffens and flushes in embarrassment as Mack's jaw drops*
Major: "Correct. And I don't like to be interrupted during meal times."
Young Walter: "I dunno, you're a tub of lard as it is."
*sound cuts off as Jay clicks remote and all turn slowly to Walter*
Jay: And through all that, you were standing on his dining table after having broken through his window, lit cigarette in your mouth. Now listen to this.
*clicks different button on remote*
Walter (old): "My name is Walter Dornez, butler to the Hellsing family, and former master vampire hunter."
*Jay fast forwards slightly*
Jan: "Me? I'm just a tourist, I was passing by totally minding my own business and thought I'd have a look. So we cool? Dude?"
Walter(old): *stomps on his right hand* "Young man, the left one's next." *calm*
*Jay clicks remote again*
Jay: So someone, please explain to me how Walter-the-young-punk turned into Walter-the-English-butler.
Walter: That is a secret that shall forever remain buried in my ancient past.
May: *puppy eyes of doom* Pwease?
Walter: *instantly broken*Okay, fine!
*May and Jay high five as Mack rolls his eyes*
Walter: *folds arms* Alright, what happened was…was…*grits teeth* There was a jar.
Jay: *panics* THE JAR! ANYTHING BUT THE JAR! NOOOOOOO! *hides under curtains*
May: *freaks out* NO! NOT THE JAR! BAD JAR! IT'S EVIL I TELL YOU! EEEEVIIIILLL! *follows her sister*
Walter: *annoyed* If you already knew about the jar then why did you ask?!
Jay: *pokers her head out from under the curtain* I don't. It just seems like a very scary thing.
May: *trembling lump under curtains* EVIL!
Mack: *smacks forehead* Aw jeez…
Walter: The jar is a completely inanimate object and there's no way it can hurt you.
Jay: *snorts* That's what Mack said about the alarm clocks and we all know how that turned out.
Walter: Actually none of us know how that turned out.
Jay: *sarcastic* Daw, sucks for you. *blows raspberry and hides under curtains again*
*Walter turns to Mack*
Mack: *waves hands in front of him* Don't look at me, I was sworn to secrecy and the alarm clocks might get me too if I tell on their secret plot.
Walter: Does it involve waking everyone in the world up all at once?
DEAD SILENCE
Jay: HE'S ONE OF THEM! FLEE! *scampers up side of the wall and hides in ventilation shafts*
May: THE EVIL! THE EVIL! I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA! HIDE! *follows her sister*
Mack: CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! WE LET IT GET TO CLOSE! MUST FLEE! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! OR AWAKE! *opens a trapdoor in the floor and locks it behind him*
Walter: *dust settling* Uh…I was just kidding. Guessing actually. You can come back you know…guys…hello…guys? *pauses*
*two shoulder angels appear on his chair as he looks from side to side*
Devil Walter: Let them suffer their delusions! They can deal with it on their own! *pounds little trident on stuffing*
Angel Walter: Yeah, get them away from us! They've done enough damage! *stomps foot*
Walter: Hey wait a second…aren't you supposed to tell me to do the right thing?
Angel Walter: Nah, the Shoulder Angel department of Health and Regulations stated last week that when May and Jay are concerned we should go for as much damage as possible.
Walter: I'm almost afraid to ask, but why did they do that?
Angel Walter: Apparently they're both under the delusion that shoulder Angels and Devils are…well, May thinks we're pixies and Jay says we're visible head-voices. May's determined to catch us in jars and keep us against the "coming alarm clock apocalypse" and Jay wants us to go back to "the natural form" which basically means to reduce us to the voice-only stage. She caught the CEO of Shoulder Devils last Tuesday in a pickle jar and last we heard of him he was screaming that she had the Twilight movies and that there was no escape.
Walter: I'm both horrified and impressed at her ruthlessness.
Angel Walter: *rubs back of head* That was kinda our thinking too.
*two pairs of eyes peek out from under stage lights*
Jay: Look! More voice-people! *takes out jelly jar eagerly*
May: *eyes huge* Walter-pixies! I want the one in the dress!
Jay: *shrugs* Cool. I've cracked the code on how to break the red ones anyway. Give 'em about two hours of you-know-what with the vampires and they spontaneously combust.
*May and Jay both jump down from stage lights*
Devil Walter: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! RUN BOSS RUN! *shoves Walter's neck*
Walter: I don't think it would do much good. Where were you two when I betrayed Hellsing?! *grumpy*
Angel Walter: *sheepish* I was on coffee break.
Devil Walter: *unrepentant* I was watching Ghost Rider 2.
Walter: Unbelievable… *pinches nose*
Jay: *grabs Devil Walter and stuff him in the jar* WHOOHOO! I got another voice! *gleeful*
May: *snags Angel Walter by the robe/dress and hugs him* OMG! Another fairy in a dress!
Angel Walter: It is not a dress, it's a robe! It was the height of fashion 3,000 years ago I assure you.
Jay: Not cool dude. Not cool.
Mack: Hey boss, can I have a voice?
Jay: Yeah, sure. *hands him jar with grumpy Devil Walter imprisoned inside.*
Mack: *waits until she turns away and unscrews it rapidly* Be free little freak! *motions him urgently away*
Devil Walter: *ecstatic* HASTA LA VESTA SUCKER! *sticks tongue out at Angel Walter and zips off*
*Jay turns to look suspiciously at Mack*
Mack: *innocent expression* It's nice to share the voices with the world.
Jay: *nods* Excellent point.
*Jay spots Walter trying to sneak off*
Jay: Oy! Get back here! *grabs him by the collar and drags him back*
May: So where were you with the "jar"?
Walter: *sighs* Alright, Arthur finally got fed up with me swearing and smoking and all that every day and said for every time that I did those activities I'd have to go on a date with Alucard in girl form.
Jay: I see that it worked.
Walter: *shudders* Are you kidding? There wasn't a single incident after he told me that.
Jay: I'm amused that such an impotent threat is enough to keep you in line.
Walter: Ahem…Alarm clocks.
Jay: CRAP! WHERE!? FLEE! *streaks out the door with May close behind*
Mack: *sighs* I'll go find a GPS tracker…
Walter: Isn't that overkill?
Mack: I accidentally left my phone on alarm and they bolted all the way to Canada.
Walter: Wow.
Mack: Indeed. *looks down at GPS* Huh…they're slacking. So far only a hit in Siberia and Montenegro each.
Walter: O.O
Mack: *walking out the door with nose glued to the GPS* Lock up after will ya?
ALL LIGHTS GO OUT
Walter: Uh…is this a good time to mention that I'm an Achluophobic? Guys?
NO ANSWER…
PS: LIKE YA DANG REVEIWERS! SPEAK MORTALS!
