A/N: It was a tie between CharlotteLewis and GuitarHeroLost. So I let both win! Yay! Feel the love with this chapter.


- START THEME -


- Island Matchmaker -

- Camera does a close up shot on Ben. Nope too close. It backs off.

Richard: Whew, guys that was a close one. We almost captured the pure evil look of death on Ben's face. When are we getting Sayid back here to man the cameras?

Ben: Never. I need him to kill off the annoying characters, like Keamy.

Bachelor 1: Hey!

Ben: Well Charlotte, do you have a question for your men?

Charlotte: Oh, of course. What would your perfect idea of a second date be?

Bachelor 1: Shooting range. Actually, that's also the first date. And the third. Fourth. Maybe fifth.

Bachelor 2: We'd get some foreign food. Have a picnic on the beach. Unless I had to kill you. So I guess my question would be, would I have to kill you?

Everyone: ??

Bachelor 3: I-I don't really know.

Charlotte: What do you mean you don't really know?

Bachelor 3: I-I hav-haven't exactly had too many second dates.

- Bachelor 4 snickers.

Bachelor 4: Or any dates.

Bachelor 3: Look Charlotte, I-I know I'm not really yo-your first choice on this dating show thing... and you could do so much better but...

Charlotte: That's not true.

Bachelor 3: It's not?

Bachelor 4: What? It's not? Who are you kidding?

Charlotte: It's not. I want to stop the show. Ben, it's over. I choose Bachelor 4.

Bachelor 3: 3.

Charlotte: Oh, 3.

Ben: How touching. But no. Jacob will match you.

Charlotte: But I said I wanted off.

Ben: Yes and I want people to give me an award for being the most mysteriously creepy person on this island. We all want something Charlotte. Bachelor 4?

At Home Audience: Wait. Didn't you get that Emmy?

- Their protests are unheard as we continue.

Bachelor 4: Ladies choice. If she pays.

Charlotte: Oh, nice Bachelor 4. Now I see why only the dead can stand talking with you.

Bachelor 4: And I care what you think why?

Bachelor 5: We'd probably go for a fly.

Charlotte: And make me jump again? No thanks.

Bachelor 5: Hey, you were the one that couldn't wait to get out there and start badgering the islanders. I can land fine.

Ben: Yes. Except you let a cow ransack your helicopter. Bachelor 6?

Charlotte: Can everybody quit calling me a cow?!

Bachelor 6: We'd go and see Waaaaaaaaalt. He needs a new mother.

Charlotte: Right. I'll keep that in mind.

Ben: Let's bring out the bachelors. I'm sure they're just waiting to see you. Some of them to kill you. Most of them to kill you. But you just have the habit of being one of those annoying characters, don't you Charlotte Lewis?

- Behind the screen comes Keamy, Sayid, Daniel, Miles, Frank and Kevin "Michael" Johnson. Charlotte points at Kevin/Michael.

Charlotte: Oh, yeah. You were the deckhand. I heard you wrecked all the equipment. And tried some lame come on lines on Regina.

Michael: Creepy Ben forced me too just like he's forcing me to be on this show. And those were his lines too!

Keamy: Be a man.

Sayid: Yes for Waaaaaaalt.

Charlotte: So, I get Bachelor 4 now, right?

Daniel: 3. How is it you can't remember the number 3?

Charlotte: Oh, right.

Ben: I have Jacob's answer right here.

- Ben holds up a folded piece of paper.

Charlotte: But I saw you scribble that just now.

Ben: Did you? Or did you want to see me scribble it?

Charlotte: Argh!

Sayid: Don't mind him. He likes to get in people's heads.

- Ben opens the folded paper and reads it.

Ben: And the winner is... my lackey Sayid. Go ahead. Sleep with her. Murder her. Whatever it is you kids are doing these days.

Charlotte: What?

Miles: Tough break Charlotte.

Charlotte: But I pick Bachelor 4.

Daniel: 3! The number is 3! I mean - I know you're not a physicist but surely you know the numbers 1 to 4!

Ben: Jacob has spoken, "luv".

Charlotte: Well you know what I bloody think about your game show? You all can get stuffed.

-Charlotte grabs Dan, dips him and kisses him. He loosens his tie for the first time in twenty years. Fangirls drool.

Charlotte: There. I'm choosing bachelor 4... I mean 3. I mean... whatever, you know what I mean.

Ben: But... Jacob. Ohhh, you're making Jacob very angry.

Charlotte: Good. I want Jacob to get angry. I don't care. What's he going to do?

- the Black Smoke Monster comes and ravages Keamy.

Keamy: Yah! Why am I only a minor character? This isn't fair! This wouldn't happen to the fat guy, or Ben... or crazy knife guy.

Charlotte: Come on Dan. We're going.

Miles: Hey guys, need a third wheel because it's getting kinda scary around here?

Daniel: Ye-yeah sure Miles. We can always use an-

Charlotte: Dan. Kindly shut up.

Daniel: Oh. Ok.

Ben: Let us bring out our next on the matchmaking list. Please welcome... wait. I can't be reading this right. Juliet?

- Juliet comes out smiling and waving for the camera. Ben's glasses fall off his nose.

Ben: What's she doing here? Crew? Didn't we agree Juliet is to be matched with Vincent and Vincent only? Juliet. Go back to the Barracks.

Juliet: I live on the beach.

Ben: Juliet. Go. Back. To. The. Barracks.

Sayid: Juliet said she wanted a match, after Jack admitted his love for someone else. She says preferably anyone but Benjamin Linus. Should we open up the voting?

Ben: Oh, mark my words viewers. If you write any name down except Ben Linus times six... there will be killing. And it will not be Keamy this time.

Keamy: Yes! I live for another day.


You've been threatened. But don't listen to Ben. Who should Juliet's matches be?